That's Why I'm Here
By LizD
Written July 2011
Chapter Thirteen
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K : L-A-T-E-M-A-R-C-H-2-0-1-1
Booth stepped out of the airport and into a waiting taxi cab. He gave the address of the hotel and leaned back heaving a heavy sigh. His heart was racing and his mind was spinning. What the hell was he doing?
The last fifteen hours of travel through planes, trains and taxi cabs he had been trying to figure out what he was going to say, what he needed to hear, what he was hoping to gain or lose. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was doing the right thing - going, seeing her, talking to her face to face - whatever happened. Sweets would call it closure – Booth never understood what that meant. What he knew was that it had to be done so he could move on and he really wanted to move on. He had set a date to move on but he wanted to be ready.
He looked out the window and his mind wandered back to the night of the blizzard a week ago.
I'm just ... angry ... really angry. Not at you.
Ok.
I just need time, that's all ... I just need time to kind of hang back and find that inner peace before I get back out there. You know what we are talking about here, right?
Yes.
You and me ... and ... you know, love ... happiness in life ... and fate.
I don't believe in fate, but I know what we're talking about. ... I am improving.
Improving?
Yes, I'm quite strong.
Well, you've always been strong.
You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right?
Well not if you're going to get all scientific on me.
Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. When we met, I was an impervious substance, now I am a strong substance.
I think I know what you mean.
A time could come when you aren't angry anymore and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviousness ... maybe then we could try to be together.
"A time could come," he said softly too himself. "A time will come … but I can't hang back and wait."
The cab pulled up in front of the hotel. Booth paid the driver and stepped out. He had no luggage he wasn't planning on staying. He had his passport and a return ticket in his pocket. He needed to be back at the airport in less than two hours. He hadn't called first. It was very likely that he could have come all that way for nothing. On the other hand tickets were meant to be changed. He stood in line to speak with the desk clerk.
"Seeley?"
He turned and saw her coming toward him. She was just as he remembered - fresh, beautiful, smiling.
"Seeley, I can't believe you're here."
She was with someone. A man. Tall. Tan with sun bleached hair. Muscular. He was young, good looking if you go for that sort of rugged, untamed, rakishness – kind of a cross between a surfer and Indiana Jones. She walked faster toward Booth leaving the man to stay back. She stepped into Booth expecting an embrace instead she got an awkward hug that couldn't end fast enough. He could barely look in her eyes.
"It's good to see you," she said a little tentatively.
"It's good to see you too, Hannah." Booth said looking over her shoulder at the man she had been with.
Hannah looked back and waved him off. "He's a reporter from London," she explained.
Booth nodded but made no comment. The man was a lot more than just a reporter from London. He saw the way the guy was looking at him. The guy before Booth probably looked at Booth the same way.
"So ... you were just in the neighborhood and thought you would drop by?" she said mischievously.
Booth looked at her. She was who she always was - playful, jovial, with a ready smile. "I didn't like how we left things," he said. "There are some things I want to say and I thought we should talk face to face."
"You don't need to say anything, Seeley." She assumed he was there to apologize but his demeanor told her not to expect reconciliation.
"I don't have a lot of time, is there some where we could talk?"
"Sure ... sure." She nodded toward that door that lead out to the garden. He followed her. They found a bench that seemed out of the way enough for a private conversation.
They sat quietly for a moment as Booth was forced to find the words he wanted to say. "I want to apologize to you. I behaved badly the last time we saw each other."
"I understand."
"Do you?" he asked.
"I hurt you," she stated. "I didn't mean to. I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you understood." She flashed him a familiar smile. There was nothing different about her. She was still happy and joyful. He had been angry and soul searching and struggling to find meaning - any shred of meaning he could hang on to - and she was just blithely going on with her life; their break up had had no impact on her.
Her attitude shocked him. As much as he wanted to apologize, as much as he felt that he had behaved badly; she clearly was completely unaffected. What did he need to apologize for? She was the one that needed to be forgiven. "Did you ever love me?" he blurted out.
"Of course I did ... I still do. You're an amazing man. I went to Washington to because I loved you. I'll never know anyone like you." Her words sounded sincere but there was something missing. Something he had never noticed before. She said them too easily as if there were no weight to the words, no gravity, no impact. "I love you, Seeley."
He studied her for a moment. "I don't think you and I have the same definition of that word."
"Probably not," she admitted easily as if it were no big deal. "I wasn't ready for us to end."
"But you knew we would have ... ended at some point. You were never considering staying?"
She shrugged a nod and a no. "I know the kind of man you are Seeley. I knew you would want to do the marriage thing and when you did it would end. I just assumed that you knew that it was not going to be me ... not that I'm not flattered ... but -."
"You're not the marrying kind," he said flatly. FLATTERED ... she was flattered? What in the hell was he thinking asking this ball of fluff, this immature, selfish, child to spend her life with him?
"No ... but you don't want to marry someone like me."
"Someone like you?" At the moment he agreed with her but he morbidly needed to hear her take on it.
"I'd never make you happy, Seeley. You're all about stability and making a home and putting down roots. I'm a nomad. If I can't fit it in my duffel, I don't want it."
"And you will live like that forever?"
"My parents did ... I see no reason to change. There is too much world to experience."
"And marriage is not something you want to experience."
She didn't want to answer; she didn't need to answer. "I thought we were having fun."
"Fun?"
"Fun, yes."
"You quit your job, moved to Washington DC and in with me ... for fun?"
"There is always another job, Seeley," she stated. "Moving in with you was expedient … why would I rent an apartment when we would be spending all our time together. It was really that big a deal."
He shook his head. "It was to me."
"I see that now." She slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry?" she offered but she really wasn't. "We were having fun, Seeley."
"It was a lot more than that to me."
"Maybe you wanted it to be," she said quickly feeling like she was being scolded. "But if you really think about it you liked the idea of being in love with me ... or maybe it was just the idea of love itself and it had nothing to do with me."
"That's not true."
"Seeley ... come on ... we met in a war zone and your head was back home. All you could think about was your son, your work and your partner. Do you know how many times you brought Temperance into a conversation even when we were in bed? You were just biding your time until you went back home to your life."
He hated that she knew Brennan and didn't want her to speak about his relationship with Brennan. "You're not going to convince me that I didn't love you."
"But you don't anymore," she said as if she were winning a point.
"No ... No I can see that things were not as I thought they were."
"Can't you just let it be what it was ... really intense with a lot of laughing and great sex."
"That's all it was to you?"
"You wouldn't let it be any more," she pleaded. "And I was fine with that. I didn't want any more."
"I asked you to marry me," he protested.
"Yeah, why did you do that?"
"Because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you?" The words sound hollow in his ears.
"Did you? Or was that just the fastest way you could think of to break up with me and get me out of your life?"
"I can't believe you are saying this."
"Seeley, you knew how I felt about marriage and kids. We talked about it a lot before you went home. It was the reason you never seriously asked me to move back with you."
"We agreed to a long distance relationship."
"Yes, we did ... but it wasn't going to be anything more than what it was."
"I don't understand why you came to Washington."
"I wasn't ready for us to end."
"And Washington and the press corps were just experiences you wanted to try?"
"I love you Seeley. I didn't expect you to move me into your house and ask me make friends with your son."
"I thought you liked Parker."
"I do like Parker ... I love Parker ... as your son, not my step-son. If you remember correctly I really didn't want to meet him."
"I thought you were worried about him not liking you."
"There was a little of that, but mostly I didn't want to get too close."
"Cause you had one foot out the door."
"You make it sound like a bad thing. At least I know what I want and don't want - and I am willing to go after it."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You and Temperance."
"What?"
"All that talk about it being in the past ... If you need to say that to convince yourself, fine, but you are only fooling yourself."
"I would never have cheated on you," he pressed.
"No, no you wouldn't have ... and look what you would have missed because your ego got a little bruised."
"You don't know anything about me and Bones?"
"I know what I got from her and from you. You weren't the same man in DC as you were in Afghanistan. Temperance distracted you. I thought it was your job, but it was her. I know you tried to on me, but she was always right there, right behind you, beside you. If I were a jealous woman do you think I would have tolerated your partnership with her? I honestly thought you were trying to make her jealous."
Booth dismissed that last part. "She was nothing but kind to you and accepting of us."
"Yes, yes … she is a good and loyal friend." She shook her head. "Why do you think she did that? Because she liked me? No. Not at all. She did it to stay close to you because you were shoving her out of your life with a crowbar all the while keeping her close as your partner. I'm amazed she stayed as loyal to you. You wouldn't believe the email I got from her after I left. She ripped me up one side and down the other."
"What?"
"Don't worry. She didn't say anything about you. As I said she is loyal to you. She'd suffer anything for you."
"I didn't come here to talk about, Bones," he said adamantly.
"Seeley, we had a really great thing that was never meant to last ... it couldn't last - for a number of reasons and not all on my side. Ask yourself why you and I never really talked about anything. Anytime something serious came up, we had sex - great sex, but essentially just sex. I learned more about you from Temperance and Parker than I did from you. I'm a reporter Seeley, I know things. I learn things. I seek out truths. None of the truths I have about your, came from you. Why?"
"Why?" He was confused. What was she asking?
"I have an answer if you really want to know?"
"Fine, would love to hear your take on it." He really wouldn't love it, but he was intrigued. It was as if the past year he was living a lie.
"Don't be angry ... don't be sad. We had a good time, Seeley. We had a great time. I hope you will remember that in time. I have no regrets and I don't want you to have any either."
"Why do you think I didn't share my deepest darkest secrets with you?" he asked bringing her back to the subject.
"Two reasons ... one you didn't need to. You had Temperance as a confidant. She knows everything about you; she is the one you turn to. I understood it. I accepted it. It wasn't a problem. You two knew each other for years and were partners. She killed to protect you - that is huge for someone like her. I understood the loyalty and bond that created between you two. I envied it, but I wasn't jealous and I knew it was the kind of bond you and I would never have."
"Why?"
"Because I was a good time, Seeley. That's why you were with me. I was a good time. You needed that. You were in a very dark place when I met you and there are times when you still go back to that dark place, but you didn't want to bring me there. You wanted a distraction. I distracted you. I was your consolation prize."
He started at the use of that expression. "I'm not really enjoying this picture you are painting of me. I thought I loved you."
"I believe you did, but given your reaction to my refusal to get married, I have to believe that it wasn't the forever kind of love that you are seeking. There was no compromise, Seeley. There was no discussion. It was just over."
"That's why I'm here."
"To apologize not reconcile, right?"
"I needed to see you," he explained.
"To see if you were still in love with me ... and you aren't, are you?"
He thought for a moment. "No. But I still care about you."
"I want you to be happy, Seeley. I really hope you find everything you are looking for in life. No one deserves it more than you do."
"And what do you want?"
"I have it," she said proudly with no explanation.
Booth felt as if he was really seeing her for the first time. Really seeing himself in her eyes. Really seeing the relationship for what it was and his role in all the fall out. He had no thoughts of falling in love when he went to Afghanistan. He was reeling from his parting with Brennan. As each day passed and he realized that Brennan had essentially cut him out of her life, his mood got darker and darker and then Hannah appeared. She brought light and joy to an otherwise very dark place. He didn't have to do a thing. He didn't have to think, or explain or justify. Hannah didn't ask for anything - she gave. She gave her time, her attention, her body. It was easy to be with her. When he left to go home he was sorry to leave her, he imagined himself in love but knew that it wasn't enough to keep him with her or her with him. He remembered telling Brennan that it was 'as serious as a heart attack' but he knew it wasn't. He was saying that to hurt Brennan, but again she proved impervious to pain.
When Hannah showed up in Washington his mind started believing that what they had was more than he imagined, but she was right. He didn't disclose to her all the dark sides of his life or his thoughts. She was his bright spot. She was his joy. She was his happiness. He wanted to protect that. Keep it safe. Keep it clean. Keep it pure. But that is not love at least not the kind of love that makes a marriage and a lifetime. Why did he ask her to marry him? Was she right that he was trying to get out of the relationship and that was the fastest way and to make it not his fault? He replayed that scene with Sweets a thousand times and just couldn't accept that Sweets had yet again goaded him into making a choice that he knew in his heart was wrong.
In the end it really didn't matter anymore. There was no reason to be angry. There were misunderstandings but really no fault to be placed - at least nowhere but on himself. He moved too quickly with Hannah and if he stopped to think about what he was doing he would change his mind - so he charged straight ahead into the wall. Maybe that was what he needed to get him to snap out of it. She wasn't to blame. She was exactly what he needed when he needed it and he did love her but the not the way he wanted to love someone. Not the way he wanted to be loved. They parted as friends and Booth went home with a lighter heart and no anger.
The closer he got to Washington, the more he thought about Brennan. Now all he had to do was wait for her to risk losing the last of her imperviousness and they could try to be together. All he wanted was a chance. He learned his lesson. He knew the playing field. Brennan didn't want the same thing from a relationship as he did; it would come down to if what she gave was enough for him. He wasn't going to get his ideal, but then again, Brennan was so much more than his ideal. She just had to give them a chance and maybe Booth would change his dream or maybe he wouldn't have to.
E-N-D-F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K : L-A-T-E-M-A-R-C-H-2-0-1-1
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Booth was been cleaning all morning. He was almost done with the apartment but then there was shopping and cooking, showering. He had wanted to get a haircut, but that might not happen. He had woken up in a good mood and it was staying with him. Booth liked to be productive and he was really enjoying the idea of cooking for Brennan in a romantic setting. He was thinking of the playlist which would include some very 'set the mood' tunes that he had in his mix though she would probably never hear the words. Brennan wasn't like that. She liked the music of music not the lyrics. He smiled to think of all the things he was going to get to introduce her to: baseball, football, hockey, music, pop culture, food. He was going to open a world to her and if he were a betting man, he would have bet that she would open up a world to him as well. He had thought about what they would be like as a couple for many years. He had convinced himself that it would never work; that they were just too different. There was still some fear of that, but not much. It had only been a week. They hadn't been off work yet and the sting of Vincent's loss was still clouding everything, but he could already tell that whatever he had been thinking about them as a couple was too shortsighted. He wasn't sure what the future would bring, but he knew in his gut that a future was there. She would be in his life for the next thirty, or forty, or fifty years; maybe not as his wife, or even lover, but she would be there for him as he would be there for her. One day at a time, they would get there. No more running away. No more obfuscating. Open, honest, real. That was the only way to move forward. It felt good. It felt right. Brennan was not easy, she was not cheap and she was not ever going to change that – but she was worth it.
As he was thinking about what to make for dinner with his head in the oven he realized he hadn't had breakfast or lunch and there was nothing left in the fridge. He decided to call for deli so he could finish cleaning. He stepped into the living room and turned off the music. He looked up to grab the phone, Brennan was standing there.
"Hey Bones," he said joyfully.
She looked stunned.
"Bones!" Booth called to her. She saw him but didn't respond. "Bones, I didn't know you were coming by." He saw the bag in her hand. "Is that for me?" He nodded to it because it didn't seem that she understood what he was talking about.
She looked down and was almost surprised to see that she was holding something. She handed it to him.
"What's that they say about great minds thinking a like? I was just about to call for some lunch." He pulled out the sandwich and the chips and took a bite hungrily. "Thanks, Bones. I'd kiss you but I'm filthy." He pushed the box that held Hannah's items on to the floor to make a place for her to sit. "Have a seat." He leaned on the arm of the couch. "Did you bring yourself anything or are we sharing this?" He took another big bite.
"Do you believe that?" she asked.
"What?" he said with a mouth full.
"That you should love the one you're with."
"What?" He was at a total loss. "What are you talking about?"
"The song ... the one that was just playing ... the one you were singing along to quite boisterously."
"I don't understand." She nodded for him to turn on the music again. He did and Stephen Stills came blaring out of the speakers again. He turned it off. "It's just a song, Bones. It's not my mantra." He took another bite.
"It seems like a philosophy that you live by."
He nearly choked on the sandwich. "What?" he said with more annoyance. "What are you talking about? It was a song. I was singing along with it. I Drink Alone by George Thoroughgood was on just before that is that my philosophy too?"
Brennan's eyes darted to the half empty beer bottle on the coffee table. Booth had opened it about an hour ago when he was cleaning out the fridge - he didn't want it to go to waste.
"OK. Bad example," he admitted. "It's a song, Bones. What are you getting at?"
She nodded to the box on the floor that had Hannah's belongings in it. Booth hadn't realized they were Hannah's clothes. He didn't recognize them and to be honest he didn't clean his closets out much in the past ten years, they could have been anyone's.
"I don't understand."
"Am I the consolation prize?" she asked.
"What?" He stood up and dropped the sandwich on the table. "How can you say that? How can you even think that? Bones, what the hell, huh? Where is this coming from?"
"You're angry," she pronounced.
"I'm not angry," he shouted. He took the tone out of his voice. "I'm not angry. I'm not. I'm happy," he said through gritted teeth.
"You don't appear to be happy." She started to launch into all the physical markers of anger but Booth cut her off.
"OK … stop. Just stop." He leaned down onto the arm of the couch. "Let's rewind back to the beginning, OK?" She stood motionless and silent. "I'm here, cleaning my ass off and listening to some rock and roll. I'm getting ready for tonight … and oh what a night it's going to be … and you come by to bring me some lunch. Thank you, by the way. And you hear something that … bothers you. What is spinning around in that genius brain of yours, huh?"
"I should go. Let you get back to what you were doing."
She turned toward the door.
He didn't move. "Bones," he called to her gently. "Don't go."
She stopped and turned back toward him. Her eyes were searching his.
"Talk to me, Bones … open … honest … talk to me … what's going on?"
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
A/N: Sorry, really wanted to get the discussion out in this next chapter, but I think it was more important to give you all some perspective on Booth's state of mind re: the blonde one (aka She Who Shall Not Be Named). I'm sure I haven't said it this time around, but your comments, alerts and favorites really brighten my day. Promise, the discussion between Booth and Brennan about Booth/Hannah, Hannah vs. Brennan will be up next and posted no later than Friday AM. I asked this of a friend, so I will ask you: Do you need a knock down drag out fight to have great make-up sex? Do you need to shower first?