Disclaimer: It's not mine, it's all J. K. Rowling's.

A/N: Annie Talbot and Machshefa are the lovely ladies who beta-read this fic! : :hugs: :

Chapter 13: Helplessness

Dear Professor Snape,

The ring is yours, isn't it? You let it slip away somehow when you were attacked in the Shrieking Shack.

Don't bother with an answer. I'll be in London for Christmas and we can meet. I'll let you know the place and time when I know them myself.

Hermione Granger

Severus cursed aloud, not worried that Minerva was just beside him and could hear every ugly profanity. That didn't mean she wasn't worried, though.

"Severus, watch your language!" came the stern reprimand.

He simply crushed the letter in one hand, turning it into a small ball of parchment.

"Who's sending all these letters to you? Are you being harassed in any way?" Minerva added at that. "I'm quite worried you're under threats again, that someone might make an attempt against your life. Severus, if you're in danger, I need to know. Now."

He held the ball of parchment with the tips of his long fingers and it burst into flames. Minerva squeaked.

"Severus!" she admonished again.

"Your students are not in danger, Minerva, but you will be if you ask one more question." He said that and went back to his breakfast as if nothing was amiss.

Students sitting closer to the High Table stared at them, some in fear, others in admiration. Minerva didn't seem very comfortable with it.

"Anything you wanted to say, Mr. Heaton?" she asked.

Severus remained in silence for the rest of the meal, and he was glad Minerva did too. He couldn't trust himself to keep Granger's name out of any spiteful comment he might make, and that couldn't happen. His privacy had been too exposed already; he didn't need Minerva aware of anything.

At least it was Saturday and he didn't have any classes to teach, although having an excuse for cursing and hexing students was tempting at the moment. He retreated to his quarters, and after hexing some of his belongings, pacing in front of the burning hearth and dinking two doses of Firewhisky, he felt a tiny little bit better.

What would he do? Avoid any further contact, miss the meeting she would schedule, forget about his precious ring?

He poured another dose of Firewhisky and waited for the answer to come while he drained his glass.

o0oOo0o

Severus woke up with his head pounding, and then he realized the pounding wasn't only in his head but also coming from the door. He stood and became aware of the fact that he'd been sleeping in an armchair. The sound from the door sent a piercing pain through his head again and he cursed. He would hex whoever was knocking.

Severus opened the door and banged it shut immediately after, then cursed for creating such sharp pain with the action. He rested his head on the door when it trembled with insistent knocking. The pain was excruciating. In a fluid movement, he turned and opened the door again.

"Knock again and I'll hex your bones from your hand, Potter!" he hissed.

"Can I come in, then?"

"No," he answered.

"I need to talk to you, and I don't think you'll want to have a conversation in the halls, right?"

"Lily sucked in History of Magic and I had to help her with her essays. Now that I saved you and me from the idle talk, leave me alone."

He was ready to close the door on Potter's nose for the second time when he felt more resistance; Potter's hand. Severus glared at the illuminated face of the Prat-Who-Lived.

"Really? I didn't know that!" Potter's smile faltered some when he continued, "We'll have to talk more about it later, though, because now I'm on duty. Headmistress McGonagall reported that you're getting letters that she suspects are threats. Can I have a look at them?"

"You certainly cannot!" Severus roared.

"I'm sorry, sir, but until I'm sure you're not under a death threat I'll have to insist."

"I'm not under any life threat!" Severus roared again, then took two fingers to massage his aching head. "Potter," he started, "the only lives at any risk right now are yours, for existing, and Minerva's, for sending you here. Arrest me now, or get the hell out of my sight before a murder is actually committed!" he hissed.

"Professor, things would be easier for us all if you let me see the letters–"

"Absolutely not!"

"Do you officially attest that your life isn't in any danger, then, that no one is sending you letters with threats?"

"If that's what it takes to get you out of here, I do."

"I need some information to support your statement, sir. What are the contents of the letters in question?"

Severus growled before spilling all his sarcasm. "They're love letters from a secret admirer, what else?"

Potter smirked, taking notes of his answers in a notepad.

Severus rolled his eyes; he'd had enough and his head was killing him. When Potter was about to ask something else, he interrupted, "Have a nice life, Potter." He closed the door and charmed it so he wouldn't hear any knocks for the time being. His stomach was burning so he took a potion for it, but he would skip dinner, anyway. He didn't do anything about his pounding head, though. The pain would help him not to think about Miss Granger.

He donned his nightshirt and went to bed. It was early, but he could always read until sleep took him. If he got lucky, the alcohol still in his system would make him fall asleep like it had earlier and this damned day would be over.

Severus had to appeal to a catalogue of potions ingredients before sleep took him from conscious thought.

o0oOo0o

It was Sunday, the students had boarded the Hogwarts Express to return home for the holidays the day before, but Severus didn't leave his quarters for the meals or for anything else, either.

On Monday, knowing that the Headmistress was away for the holidays, Severus ventured out of his quarters; staying locked in there had become claustrophobic. He didn't go to the Great Hall for meals, but he went for a mind-numbing walk in the icy weather to watch the frozen lake.

It worked for a while, but when there was nothing to grade, no new articles to examine, and no books that would claim his attention, Severus was at the mercy of his pessimism, fed by fear and pure helplessness. And to think that he could have been blissfully dead if things had progressed as they should have done in the Shrieking Shack, five years ago. To cure this helplessness, this emptiness – that was why he needed his ring.

Or so he hoped.

Somehow he was starting to think that it wouldn't happen this time around. Lily was gone, actually gone. Back then, he used to bathe because of her, to eat because of her, to breathe because of her. Now he'd go days without remembering her favorite flower, her favorite book, how she would smile in a snowy day, anything. He'd blamed it on the missing ring, but the truth was that he had no need to be with her all the time anymore and there was nothing where she'd been.

He was empty.

To avoid thinking, he resorted to Dreamless Sleep that night.

Of course, it only solved his sleeping problem. On the following morning he still felt miserable and helpless. It was getting on his nerves. Granger had been back in Britain for at least two days and he'd not heard from her.

He shouldn't be waiting her to contact him. Severus should go to London and get this over with.

Only, he couldn't.

It was driving him mad!

If he didn't hear from her until Christmas, which meant in two days, he would end this waiting once and for all. If finding her and recovering his ring didn't undo the wrongness of his existence, he would….

Severus didn't know what would become of him then.

He went to the Great Hall for lunch that day, so he was there to welcome the most anticipated owl. He didn't have the presence of mind to gloat over Minerva's absence before opening the letter. It was short.

Professor Snape,

I can meet you in the Leaky Cauldron at 2 p.m. tomorrow. I hope you didn't have any prior engagements.

Hermione

Tomorrow….

Tomorrow, on Christmas Eve, Miss Granger would be at the Leaky Cauldron to hand his ring back to him. His stomach went cold; a fear he hadn't felt in quite a while.

She would be waiting, but the question remained, should he go there?

Coming next… Hermione waits for Snape and that definitive talk.