N/A: Sorry for taking this long to post! Things have been crazy over here. I sometimes wonder if my boss really loves me or just hates me. It's hard to guess with him... hahahaha

This chapter is FULL of emotions, so prepare your hearts. Also, there are mentions of torture in this chapter, nothing described or even graphic, but it will be mentioned so I'm leaving the warning.

It's not beta read, so sorry... Hope you can enjoy it anyway.

Thank you for the comments!

Chapter 12

The game started with Gareth being the dealer, not for cheating purposes, more because they needed extra eyes around the room.

Susan had kissed Urien soundly before leaving the table where the game would be played –not before tagging the last member of the table, Pablo Ruas.

They were ready to start. The team from Macau was in position to apprehend the players as they left the room, they all were tagged by the device and Arthur had just let them know that they also had the money.

Things should be a walk in the park from now on.

XxX

Of course it was not. Things that look too easy tend to be the exact opposite.

They played for four hours before their first one-hour break. By then Georgina had blew through her money and Ruas had left because he got too drunk. The team outside had confirmed that both of them had been captured without alarm.

Things got rough when they came back for the second round. Hunter got drunk and started protesting his losses, so he was guided out of the room. Then Ellefesen lost and he was good humored despite that, laughing like losing 5 million dollars was no big deal. He gave Susan his number before leaving the room.

Immediately after that Krykova folded her cards and declared she was giving up. Just like that. She didn't even wait for the dealer to say anything before grabbing her jacket and leaving.

"Fuck, she's after Ellefesen." Harry said, a bit too late. "He killed her brother. She's going to kill him."

Normally they would let this go whatever way it was supposed to, but they needed information out of Ellefesen, so they couldn't let her kill him yet.

"Lancelot, you go." Harry ordered and Roxy dropped her tray and got out there, after them.

They were all tense, waiting for something to happen, anything, but Roxy had gone radio silent. Then, to make things worse, Gors declared he needed to take a piss.

As soon as he stood they all heard the sound of a shot being fired. "Ellefesen is bleeding out. I'm engaging Krykova." Roxy all but yelled in her comm.

The sound of gunshot had made everybody stand up. "Arthur, zap Krykova." Merlin said in his comm.

That was what the device they had was for. It was a tracker, but it also could discharge an electric shock, enough to stun an adult male. The closer to the skin the better and they had managed to put it on Krykova collar, so she was out.

Gors had already left the room in a hurry –they were all criminals and gunshots were never good for any of them. Rossini took off too, and Parker got up to follow him and Sylver got up after him. That was why they let the agent come in the middle of this: Sylver was going to take him out.

"I'm on it." Susan declared kicking her shoes off.

"I'll go after Gors." Eggsy said, jumping from behind the counter.

"Guinevere, Sylver found the device, she took it off!" Harry all but yelled in the comm.

Gareth was getting ready to follow her, but Kapoor, the only one still there, had brought his men with him. Harry had used the device against the arms dealer –that was drooling on the floor –but the men were defending him.

"Send a team for Guinevere." Urien ordered dodging a shot aimed at him.

They could do that, but she went after three people and a possible clusterfuck. Merlin would not be satisfied with another team he did not know nor trust to aid her. "Lancelot…"

"I've been shot." Roxy said in her comm, the pain in her voice obvious.

"Shit!" Gareth cursed, punching a man. "Galahad!"

"I just got Gors. I'll give him to the other team and go to Lancelot." He answered immediately.

"Guinevere!" Urien called -after head butting another man -and there was no answer.

"Arthur, what's the status on Guinevere?" Merlin lost his patience and shot the man he was engaging.

"I managed to shock Rossini and Parker, but Guinevere had to engage Sylver and her comm is not working." Came the frantic reply.

Merlin had it with the situation. He all but tore through the men still on his way to leave the room. Gareth and Urien could deal with them and if they couldn't… No, they could do this and Arthur was sending help their way.

"The first floor, Merlin." Harry urged him.

He took the emergency stairs, taking three steps at time. There were people running scared, so he followed the direction where they were coming from, until he heard the sounds of fighting.

Susan was really engaging Sylver, in the physical sense. They were beating the shit out of each other. Susan's hair was a mess and her dress was falling of her shoulders and Sylver's shirt was thorn, both women bleeding. Merlin watched from afar, because she was handling it and if he jumped him he could distract her.

That was until Sylver dove behind a table and came up with a gun. It must have flown during the beginning of their fight and the woman now had it back.

Susan ducked behind another table, but she had no real protection, especially because her dress was not bulletproof. Merlin pulled his gun and shot against Sylver to call her attention. She turned to him and he had no place to hide, so he was shot right in the chest, falling with the force of the impact, but he managed to shoot her back, hitting her on the shoulder.

"Merlin!" Susan ran to him and Sylver took the chance to leave the scene.

"I'm okay." He said a bit breathless. "You should…"

"You were shot!" She yelled at him, kneeling by his side.

"I am wearing a Kevlar vest under this." He told her. He really was, he was just winded because of the impact, the same reason he fell.

"It doesn't matter!" She grabbed him by the shoulders. "You don't jump in front of a bullet because of me, even if you have a vest!"

Her eyes were shining and her face was red because of the action, her hair was a disgrace, her lips were bleeding, one more minute and her dress would fall apart. She was pissed at him for saving her and Merlin had never seen her more beautiful.

"Better me than you." He said honestly.

"You are insufferable!" She declared. "You idiot! How can you…"

He guessed she could have gone the rest of the night telling him his many sins and scolding him for them, but she gave up on the middle of the next sentence in favor of kissing him.

Just like that. After all this time and the awkward moments and lost opportunities, after all the fights, laughter and teasing, after he said the most stupid thing to her, she just went for it, like he was actually dying from a gunshot.

She pulled him by his shoulders and put her lips on his –he had lost his fake beard somewhere –and kissed him like she was never going to see him again.

He felt frozen at first, because even in his wildest dreams he never expected to really have a chance to do this; to feel the softness of her lips and the taste of her mouth.

And Susan didn't care he was motionless, she poured her heart on the kiss, pressing her lips harder against his, cradling his face between her hands, because she was tired of feeling the Kevlar, not him under her palms.

Suddenly his hands were on her, one in her hair, the other on her waist, his fingertips finding the soft skin of her back, his lips opening against hers. Susan exhaled upon the first touch of his tongue against hers and Merlin just knew he never tasted something sweeter on his life. Nothing would ever compare to her, even with the faint taste of the blood on her lips.

Those were blissful moments and, exactly because of that, they came to an abrupt end.

"Merlin? Guinevere? Are you okay?" Harry's voice intruded in the moment and they broke apart, both breathless.

"Yes." Merlin said at last. "But Sylver got away."

"Gareth is on his way to you." Harry let them know.

Susan got up quickly and started fixing her hair, her back turned to Merlin.

"Su…"

"Merlin!" She turned to him, shock on her face.

They were still on mission! He was not supposed to call her by her real name. He had all but forgotten that.

Susan saw some of the men from the Macau team coming their way and went to talk to them. Gareth came right after.

"How are you…" He stopped mid-sentence and arched a brow. "You know, Merlin, it is a bold choice, but I don't really think that red lipstick is for you." He said with a smirk.

There was absolute silence from Merlin and everybody else, because let's be honest, they all listened to their comms like it was a freaking soap opera.

Merlin took his thumb to his lip and came away with red lipstick on it. Gareth smile had become positively devilish.

Shit.

XxX

They all looked like a bunch of misbehaving teens sitting in front of Harry's table back in the UK HQ; each carrying their own brand of attitude: Eggsy was pouting, Urien seemed indifferent, Gareth was the unrepentant troublemaker, Susan was showing no emotion whatsoever and Merlin was like the responsible student that was afraid of getting in trouble. Roxy was the lucky one, because she was in the hospital wing. If she was not, Merlin liked to think she would be in the same boat as him.

"So…" Harry said slowly "What happened?" Gareth opened his mouth. "Mission related." Harry said icily.

The agent closed his mouth and Eggsy cracked a smirk.

"Krykova, who was the wild card, was there to kill Ellefesen." Urien explained. "Lancelot went after her, but she had already engaged and stabbed Ellefesen. Lancelot tried to stop her and she had been hiding one of those guns that don't get caught in metal detectors. Krykova shot Lancelot on her leg and the noise alerted everybody."

"We still managed to get everybody, but Sylver got away." Gareth said, serious now. "She was shot in the shoulder after engaging Merlin and Guinevere, but still managed to flee."

"Any losses on our side?" Harry wanted to know.

"No one on the Macau team and Lancelot was shot, but will make a full recover." This time it was Susan who answered. "Ellefesen will survive and all the others were apprehended."

Harry sighed. "Well, I guess that this was a success then. Seriously." He said when Urien and Merlin opened their mouths. "We had little time to prepare and to execute this. Ask for more than this would have been too much. Nobody died and I'm happy enough."

"Some of us are more than a bit happy." Gareth stage whispered.

Merlin and Susan refused to look at each other.

"How was the test?" Susan asked instead.

"Very well." Harry answered promptly. "Philip is out. Sorry, Urien." Urien cursed under his breath. "Everybody else passed with varying degrees of success, Michael and Alicia being the most prominent ones."

"Your girl is rocking, Sue." Eggsy commented.

"Yes, she is." Susan was thoughtful. "Can I talk to her today?"

"Yes, you can. I was actually going to suggest that all of you took a minute to talk to your candidates."

They talked about the mission for another fifteen minutes, before Harry dismissed them all and asked Merlin to stay.

"Philip left his dog behind." He told Merlin. "He said he wanted nothing to do with it."

Merlin felt his jaw ticking. Some people deserved to be shot. Philip had picked a Labrador that he named Athena and the poor dog adored the ground he walked on.

"I'll take care of this." Merlin promised.

"Have you been keeping an eye on the candidates?" Harry asked.

Merlin just arched a brow, because this did not deserve an answer.

Harry chuckled. "Sorry that I asked. What do you think of Michael?"

"He is good. Too good." Merlin said honestly. "He's also trouble. He is a bully."

"We can't kick him out for it." Harry indicated.

"The same way we couldn't kick Charlie out the last time." Merlin agreed. "He's done nothing too terrible, according to the rules, but he is not a fit, Harry. He passes his tests he will be trouble for everybody here."

"So? What do you suggest?"

"We can just hope that Alicia or Harrison will be good enough to take him out." Merlin said honestly. "We can only kick him out if he does something bad and I truly hope it won't get to this point."

"But you believe it will." It was not a question.

"Yes, I believe it will." Merlin answered anyway.

XxX

Merlin had finally made an appearance, only to order everybody to go to separate rooms, all over again. Alicia dearly hoped that this was not more of the same as yesterday, because if she had to take another beating or be waterboarded again she would not be happy.

She opened the door of the room just to find Susan sitting elegantly in an armchair drinking tea.

"Hello, Alicia." The woman said pleasantly.

Alicia analyzed Susan for a bit. She knew she was not looking all that hot in the moment, but Susan also looked like she got into a fight and took some pretty good punches. How she still managed to look like a socialite with a purple eye and a split lip as beyond Alicia.

But that was something else. Yes, Susan looked like a beauty queen that got punched during a sale, however there was this tiny satisfied smile on her lips. "You sure look like you're in a good mood today." Alicia told her.

"I know you think I'm incapable of emotions." Susan shrugged. "Most days I wish you were right."

Oh… This was how she wanted to play it now? "So what happened?" Alicia insisted.

"Nothing, to be honest." Susan shook her head. "I'm just being silly, as per usual." She made a dismissive gesture with her hand.

"Something to do with Merlin?" Alicia pressed.

"Why do you say that?" Susan seemed legitimately curious now.

"There's something between you two." Alicia said certain. It was so freaking obvious since the first time she saw both of them in the same place. "I just don't know what. You're in a good mood and he disappeared last night. Seems like an obvious guess." It was her turn to shrug.

Susan was watching her with a lot of interest now. Alicia kind of expected her to argue or deny. She did neither. "You're way more observant than I thought."

It was praise, but it was also obviously the end of the Merlin conversation. Curiously, Susan had not denied it.

"Thank you." Alicia said. "I guess."

"Take a seat." Susan indicated the chair in front of her. "Would you like tea?"

"Yes, please." Alicia took the seat and watched Susan poor the tea for her and prepare it the way she liked. "It's a bit scary the fact that you know the way I like my tea."

"This place is full of security cameras, Alicia. I know even how you sleep."

"Do I snore?" Alicia said with more than a bit snarky.

"Only when you are too tired." Susan replied unfazed.

"Is there anything you don't know?" Alicia sighed.

"About life in general or you in particular?" Susan inquired.

"Forget it, I don't want to know the answer." Alicia looked at Susan carefully. "So, what is this exactly? Are you here to see if I'm still alive?" She asked suspiciously.

"Yes." Susan said simply. "And check how you're faring in your classes. Merlin gives me the reports, of course, but I want to hear it from you."

"I guess that means you know I'm not that good in hand to hand combat." Alicia mumbled.

"Yes, but it also means that I know you are doing very well in the target practices and Psychology classes."

"Caradoc is a very good teacher and I enjoy his classes." Alicia said sincerely.

"I'm glad to hear it." Susan took a dainty sip from her cup before turning to give her attention fully to Alicia. "I am proud of you, but the most important question here is: are you proud of yourself?"

Alicia had not expected any kind of praise from Susan, least of all something so direct. She did take a minute to consider her answer. "I'm not proud of me yet." She admitted at last. "But I'm getting there."

"Good. There is no space for doubts in this job." Susan warned seriously. "Doubts get you punched, if you are lucky. If you're not… Well, than it gets us a process like this one."

And she was back to bitchy. Alicia was missing the act. Or what she was starting to think as an act. Sometimes the things about Susan did not add up.

"Oh and Alicia?" Susan called. "Don't go easy on any of them. You're not here to make friends."

Clearly.

XxX

Merlin went to his office to make sure things were the way he liked –Harry had a tendency to leave stuff around, mostly mugs. Athena, Philip's yellow lab, was following him quietly. The poor puppy was missing her owner. Merlin had a mind to look for the kid just to punch him.

He had told Harry he would fix the situation. He would, keeping the dog. He was a bit softhearted when it came to dogs. One of the reasons he took care of Reep so often.

And thinking of the Setter, made him think of his owner. Well, he had not exactly stopped thinking about her, if he was being quite honest.

Merlin still could not believe that she had kissed him like that, no hesitation, no barrels held. His mind would not stop replaying the moment again and again.

It was intoxicating and exasperating at the same time, mostly because he had no idea of what he should do right now.

Susan was acting very cool, not indifferent, but a bit distant. He felt that she had closed up a bit, maybe because she was expecting him to take the next step. They should talk. They really should talk.

"Just so you know…" Caradoc's voice startled Merlin, that turned to see the agent standing in the door of his office, "Gareth told everybody –twice –that you and Susan were kissing in the mission."

Merlin rolled his eyes. Seriously, these idiots were all teenagers deep inside. "We were not kissing." He said firmly.

Caradoc just arched a brow. Merlin cleared his throat. "It was one accidental kiss."

Caradoc's brow was still very arched. "Accidental?" He repeated dryly.

"Maybe not accidental." Merlin conceded. "But it wasn't planned and it's not like we were kissing all the time or… It was one kiss." He finished lamely.

Caradoc was analyzing him very carefully. Lucky for him, Merlin had years in training on how to hide his emotions.

"You two…" Caradoc started saying slowly. "Are the slowest, stupidest, most stubborn people I have ever met." He declared. "And you are worse than her, because you're not a little boy!"

Now Merlin was surprised. He never expected Caradoc to be the one that was going to call him out on anything. The man was the epitome of discretion and very much in favor of everyone minding their own business.

"You and Susan have to fix this. If you two don't want to be together, that's a right you have. But this roller-coaster of emotions isn't good for you or for the team." He kept on, very serious. "You both deserve to be happy and we all deserve a break from your hot-and-cold routine."

"I know." Merlin said at last, not even sure with what part he was agreeing. All of it, more likely.

"Talk to her, Merlin." Caradoc said kindly, but firmly. "Make things right. We all miss the days you were friends."

Merlin watched quietly as Caradoc left the room. He was right, of course. Merlin himself missed the days he could just sit and talk to her. He missed Susan.

He was going to talk to her.

XxX

Susan sat in her bed, hours after leaving the HQ. Reep was taking more than half of the bed and the kittens were all curled against him, with the exception of Porthos, that was belly up and completely stretched over his brothers.

It wasn't really late. Actually it wasn't even ten o'clock, but Susan had nothing to do. She went to check on Roxy in the hospital wing and the girl was fine. Well, she was complaining a lot and feeling embarrassed –even though nobody blamed her for getting shot –but she was alive and would not even have a cool scar to show off.

Mostly she had run from Eggsy and Gareth, because she knew what they would say and she was not willing to hear it.

OK, maybe she did not know exactly what they would say, but she had a feeling.

Bors was the one that helped her leave the HQ undetected, for what she had thanked the silent giant. She could not see anyone right now, most of all she did not want to answer any questions.

She wanted to keep that moment –that beautiful, precious moment – to herself for just a bit more. She wanted to think about Merlin's lips, Merlin's eyes and Merlin's hands, alone and without disturbance.

She wanted to do it now, because she knew it would not last. Eventually the outside world would interfere in this bubble she had created, Merlin would want to talk… And the thing she feared the most was what Merlin would say.

She felt, deep down, that he would make things bad.

So, for now, she wanted to stay there in silence, re-thinking all the seconds and things of that kiss. She wanted to have that moment to be hers forever.

Then the doorbell rang.

Apparently she would have to let go sooner than she thought.

She sighed and put on a robe over her pajamas. Reep and the kittens didn't even move when she got out of the bed and out of the room. She went down the stairs and took a deep breath before opening the door.

Merlin was there.

God, if he said something stupid she would shoot him.

"Good night, Susan. Can we talk?" He said carefully.

"Yes, of course." She gave him space to come in. It was not like she could scape this.

She just wished he had waited until tomorrow.

"Take a seat. Do you want tea?" She offered calmly.

"No, thank you." He took a seat on the couch and looked at her expectantly.

Susan took a deep breath and sat in the armchair, directly in front of him. They looked at each other in silence for one long minute, then Merlin cleared his throat.

Susan's smile at that was instinctive. She knew that Merlin did that when he was nervous or getting ready for a lecture. She wondered what was the case.

"Susan…" He took a deep breath "Before anything else, I want to say I'm so sorry for almost calling you by your name. It was completely unprofessional."

"It's okay." She said honestly. "I guess I caught you too much by surprise."

"Isn't that the truth?" Merlin murmured, more to himself.

"Should I apologize, Merlin?" She asked directly, because she needed to know.

"No." was his instant answer. "You should never have to apologize for things you do and are honest."

"But…" Susan prompted, because she knew it was coming.

"It was the wrong moment to do it. Wait, let me finish." He raised a hand when she opened her mouth. Susan closed it obediently. "It was the wrong moment, independently of how we might feel about each other. We were in a mission, Sylver got away… I'm not saying it was my fault or your fault. It was just the wrong moment. And yes, we have been building up to that for a long time, but…" He took a deep breath.

"You are right." Susan conceded.

"The thing is we had many ups and downs since we met." Merlin continued, looking at her very seriously. "You're one of the most amazing people I know, Susan. You have no idea of how much I admire you."

"Merlin…" She sighed. "It sounds like you're breaking up with me, which is ridiculous, since we're not even together."

"No, we aren't." He said not unkindly. It was the truth after all, right?

"What do you want me to say?" She asked at last, because this was more than she could take. She felt stupid right now, for all the feelings she kept without encouragement from him, for all the hopes she had for no apparent reason.

"Tell me you aren't hurt for what I said after Creagan's mission." He told her. "Can you honestly tell me you aren't upset by it?"

"Of course I am, Merlin!" She snapped. "Yes, we have ups and downs and you know why? Because of you! I have no idea of what you feel, you never tell me. Yes, I'm hurt, because I feel like I've been wearing my heart on my sleeve and you've purposely ignoring the fact instead of telling me to jump in or get lost."

Merlin scratched his nape with a little of frustration. "Do you know how old I am?"

"Seriously?" She said deadpan. "That's your problem?"

"My problem is that I'm over 50 and I have been acting like a teenager around you, Susan, and that frustrates the fuck out of me." He all but snapped at her. "I act unprofessional where you are concerned, because the last thing I feel when I'm close to you is professional."

"So?" She prompted a bit rudely.

"So this is the worst possible moment for us to contemplate anything." He said with finality. "I miss the days we could talk and laugh. I miss being the person you trusted and sought. I want those days back."

That took all the wind from Susan's sails. "I miss that too."

"That's why I'm saying that we need to take a step back." His voice went back to more calm. "You are still upset with me and I don't feel I can be very rational right now. I want us to be okay before deciding on anything that will certainly affect us a lot."

"So this is your very complicated way of saying you want us to be friends again." It was not a question.

"I want us to be friends before we are anything else." Was his reply. "We need time to get over the things we said, to forgive. Otherwise we'll never be able to move forward."

Susan ran her fingers through her hair. "You're right." She admitted. "I want to have that time back, I want things to be like before. But now I'm even more upset with you. For God's sake, Merlin." She got up and took a deep breath. "Okay, let's take some time to forgive each other or whatever. You're right, it was the wrong moment."

"Susan…" He got up too.

"Please, go." She told him firmly. "I need to think about this. And I know that in the morning I'll understand you and agree with you, but right now I want to be alone."

Merlin took two long steps until he was right in front of her and captured her face between his hands. "You say you're the only one that has been wearing her heart on her sleeve." He told her, his forehead against hers. "But that isn't the truth. I don't say you're the most amazing woman I know because I trying to let you down gently, Susan. I say it because you have captivated me in a way I never thought possible. I don't want you to apologize for kissing me because I won't apologize for kissing you back. It was the most perfect feeling in the world. And I want you in a way that I've never wanted someone else before. This is why I want to do things right, I want things to be better between us. So don't think that you're alone in this. The fact that you do makes me feel like the worst person on the face of Earth."

Susan closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'll see you tomorrow, Merlin." She told him softly.

"I'll see you then." He replied gently, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

She heard the door open and close, then took another shaky breath. She was sure she had a bottle of wine here somewhere. She just had to find it quickly.

XxX

The next morning found Merlin watching the recruits being kicked into shape by a ruthless Eggsy. He was in his office sipping coffee and wondering, not for the first time, if he had made a mistake the night before.

He felt –at the time –it was the right thing to do. Independent of what they might feel for each other they had been butting heads for a long time, even more than they enjoyed moments of peace.

He wanted Susan to take the time to warm up to him again and to prepare himself to say to her he was sorry for what he said about Creagan. It was stupid, but he still couldn't do it. Yes, he had been jealous and –for now- he could not let it go. But he could not dream of anything else with her until he apologized appropriately.

He would. She deserved nothing less, even if she –eventually –decided she could aspire to way more than an old grumpy man like him.

Someone knocked on his door and he turned in time to see Susan standing there, hair braided and lipstick on. "Good morning, Merlin." She smiled at him a bit hesitantly.

"Good morning, Susan." He smiled back and saw her face glow. They could do this.

N/A: So... DON'T KILL ME!

Yes, first kiss. Yes, Merlin you fucking idiot. Yes, he was cute anyway. So many conflicting emotions...

I thought it was way pass the time they finally kissed, because nobody could stand the tension anymore, especially myself. However, as a woman, I couldn't forgive Merlin for how much of a prick he was about the whole thing Cillian thing. Susan didn't deserve that kind of attitude from him, so...

He needs to redeem himself, they need a bit of time.

BTW I used Mark Strong's real age, and that's why Merlin is over 50.

Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know your feelings and I'll see you all soon.

xoxo