September 2014
There's no manual or instruction book when you realise you're actually very, very, much in love with your freak of a best friend and that overwhelming feeling of helplessness doesn't help when you realise you can't really fuck this up. It was warm mouths pressed against other and the slow movement of their bodies as they rocked against each other touching in places that were intimate and theirs now. The bedroom was lightly dimmed as the day drew to an end but Dean could still look into Castiel's eyes as they exchanged breathe, the smell of pure sex, come, sweat, and a hint of cologne from Dean sticking to both of them. It smelled right and Dean couldn't stop his spine arching in pleasure when Castiel gave a thrust deep inside of him pressing against the prostate. It sent shivers and pulses of pleasure tingling all over as his hands reached clinging to his back and he moaned when Castiel brought them to a sitting position. It was both desperate, frantic but most of all loving. His mouth twitched into a smile as they exchanged slow but long kisses. Dean loved he could get this reaction out of him and pressed eagerly against his chest sucking the salted skin as Castiel stroked him to a second release.
His head flopped backwards as he climaxed, his body freezing and locking as he spurted come over his hand across his stomach. Dean blinked feeling exhausted and groaned when Castiel followed soon after. The warmth inside of him spread and he clung to Castiel who stuttered and halted tucking his face into the crook of Dean's neck. Their chests heaved together and the feeling of satisfaction and want rolled off them in waves.
"I love you"
Dean looked up staring into his eyes and felt his lips part as he wavered and nodded speechless. Why was it such a shock? He trailed a hand down his chest before leaning in and pressing his ear over his heart listening to the thump of it. Castiel peered down at him before nuzzling into his hair.
"Why do you do that?" Castiel whispered softly.
Dean remained quiet for a long time simply pressed against the skin over his heart with his eyes closed.
"Why do you think?" Dean murmured against his skin. "Because it reminds me that you're alive"
Castiel swallowed hard above him stroking his hands down his back feeling that cold wave of guilt niggling in his stomach at what he did all those years ago. He nearly ruined everything between them, he remembered the anger, the betrayal and the sharp sting from the punch Dean had thrown at him. It was anger, disgust, and the fragments of their friendship had hung from a friend.
Dean snuffled when Castiel tipped his chin up pressing a kiss to his lips and looking into his eyes for a long minute.
"I'm sorry"
"Shut up and kiss me"
September 2007
The bedroom was completely quiet apart from the occasional heavy breathe from Castiel as he stared out of the window to the dark world below. The pills he had taken earlier were slowly taking effect as his vision blurred and he felt lightheaded. Since June and he started the process of taking the pills controlling his sleep, his nerves, and his nightmares he hadn't been able to stop and even took them in the day. Dean didn't know that, Dean would never know that and he would make sure of that. He couldn't disappointment him. Castiel swallowed looking down at his phone to see one new message from Dean who was currently out with date 10,067 in Castiel's mind.
U okay? D.
Castiel frowned at the lack of punctuation before thumping back a reply.
Yes. Stop texting me, Dean. C.
He tossed the phone aside and resumed staring out of the window with a small frown etched into his features. The last few months had been both hard and easier as he came to grips with what had happened but it wouldn't fade away, not completely. The pills made him forget, made him lighter than air, made him want to sleep, sing, and forget that a man named Marcus was currently dwelling in prison for abuse and attempted rape. It was all fun and games till the reaction wore off and he woke up screaming and sweating in the middle of night and clinging to Dean who always came running in to comfort him. Castiel was grateful him, he would always be grateful for him but sometimes he felt confined and smothered. He was no damsel in distress and he believed Dean when he told him it would get easier and the nightmares would stop but he wanted it sooner rather than later.
He was so lost in his thoughts that the door opening startled him to jump up standing in the middle of his bedroom breathing hard and quick. His ears strained to hear and he breathed out hearing Dean whispering loudly and a woman giggling. Castiel fought the urge to crawl up in a little ball because of course he would bring her home for sex. Dean was in no mood for commitment but sex? Well that was certainly on the cards. He didn't linger as he collected his jacket and shoes shoving them on and creeping out as the moans and giggles from Dean's room increased. He slammed the door hard on his way out walking down the stairs and out of the apartment not knowing where to go as he kept his head down. Summer was slowly leaving again and autumn starting to slow creep in so the chill was there as he stopped breathless staring up at the bar.
Music blared out mixed with the smell of alcohol and smoke inviting him as he brought out his credit card contemplating the strange place. He hadn't been in this part of town but it had alcohol and that was good enough for him. Castiel stepped in keeping his head low as he pressed against the bar nodding at the bartender who stood in front of him.
"What can I get you?"
"One beer please" he said sitting down on the empty seat glancing around the masses of people. "It's busy"
The bartender hummed in agreement sliding it over and holding his hand out for the money. Castiel sighed softly passing it over and pocketing his change as he slipped his beer feeling sad and pathetic. His eyes roamed around and paused at the guy staring over at him with a keen interest in his eyes. He was an attractive man with wavy light brown hair and grey eyes showing nothing but interest but the interest was not wanted as he looked away with a scowl. He drank back his drink drinking more and more of it till it was gone and he slammed the glass down signalling for another.
"Let me guess…troubles?" a smooth voice said.
Castiel couldn't stop the flinch as he glanced at the attractive stranger and inched away. "Leave me alone"
"I'm Jackson by the way" he said drumming his fingers on the bar.
"I think I told you to leave me alone"
"I know you did but you're looking upset and troubled and well…I'm a fucking good listener" he said with a grin. "Come on, what's your name?"
"Castiel" he said in a soft voice reaching into his pocket and bringing out two pills as he popped them into his mouth. "Not drugs before you ask"
"Medication"
"Yes" he said with a shrug. "It makes me forget"
Jackson eyed him curiously as he sipped from the green bottle in his hand. "Forget what?"
"I do not know you, I am not about to tell my life story to someone I don't know"
"Wow…you have issues don't you?"
"Leave me alone…now" he said turning his head away.
"Do they work?" Jackson said with a tilt of his head ignoring Castiel's request.
"Do what work?"
Jackson smirked pointing at his mouth. "Those pills…do they really make you forget?"
"Some of the time" he murmured shying away from him again. The close contact with him was making him uneasy. "Why are you still here?"
"I like to listen and comfort"
"Why don't I believe you?" Castiel said slowly looking up at him. "I want you to leave me alone"
"So you can drink alone…knocking back your pills…it's a little sad" he muttered softly with a small smile. "I'll sit here in silence then"
"Sit in silence over there" Castiel said pointing at his previous seat.
"No" he murmured.
Castiel huffed irritated by him and turned away ignoring him completely as more drinks were drank between them.
"So…" Jackson said feeling a little livelier now. "How old are you?"
"What?" Castiel muttered glancing over to him with narrowed eyes.
"When did your mother shoot you out of her vagina my good friend" he said with a cackle of laughter. Castiel frowned looking away.
"You have a rather vulgar way of putting things and if you really need to know then I am twenty two" he said with a sigh. "Why do you want to know?"
"Curiosity" he murmured with a snort. "So, why are you here all alone?"
"Because I want to be and my best friend is fucking a waitress"
"Oh really" Jackson murmured softly glancing over to him. "Does that bother you?"
"No"
"I sense a bit of bullshit, no, a lot of bullshit"
"I don't really care what you think" Castiel murmured knocking back his drink and wincing at the burn in the back of his throat. "I care about getting very drunk"
"I thought you wanted to forget?"
"By any means necessary" he muttered pushing up and walking towards the toilets. Jackson hummed watching after him and followed him in. Castiel whirled eyeing the small space and backed up shaking his head.
"Get out!"
"Oh relax, I'm not that sleazy sweetheart…I have something though that you might like" he said stepping towards him. "Open your mouth"
"Get out!" Castiel shouted pushing him back and pausing when he brought out a bag full of pills. "What are…what are those?"
"Happy pills to make you forget"
"Drugs" Castiel said with a sneer.
"If that's what you fancy calling them"
"Are you insane?"
"Possibly" Jackson said with a smile. "You don't have to, it's just a suggestion but I know what you mean, okay, I know what it means to forget, push those bad memories away in a little box and just…forget"
Castiel swallowed hard eyeing the bag and Jackson as he stepped closer to him again. "You have a time you want to forget?"
"Two years is no justice…you never forget, Castiel, but you can lock it away with a little help" he said opening the little bag and holding one out on his finger. "Well…"
"It won't kill me will it?"
"No, you'll get a buzz"
Castiel hesitated for a long moment before nodding opening his mouth and swallowing down the pill Jackson placed on his tongue. Jackson grinned stroking a hand down the side of his face not caring when Castiel flinched back.
"Are you ready to fly?"
~0~0~0~0~
Dean stared down at his hands waiting patiently for Castiel to return and ignoring the fact it was nearly 2am, he was ignoring his calls and messages and he was tetchy wanting to run out there and find him. He was about to collect his stuff when the door opened and a crashed startled him as he looked at Castiel on the floor.
"Cas?" he said in concern hauling him up and smacking his cheek gently. "Come on, wake up"
"Dean" he slurred opening one eye and grinning. "D-Dean, I can't see"
"What?" Dean said in concern staring at him. "How much have you had?"
"I drank it out, it's all gone" he said dramatically stumbling into the living room and swaying as he looked around. "The colours…Dean, the colours"
"Yeah…okay, time for bed" Dean insisted tugging him to his bedroom so Castiel trailed behind with a snort.
"Where…where's the girl?" Castiel murmured closing his eyes and feeling the lasting effects from the drug wearing off. It had been a successful effect and Castiel enjoyed the effect a lot more than he thought he would. The world became a lot more manageable.
"She went home hours ago" Dean murmured helping him out of his clothes. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Drinking a lot" he murmured with a chuckle clinging to Dean.
"Dude, you reek…come on, shower instead" he said holding his hand as he led him to the bathroom stumbling and protesting.
"D-Don't need shower, Dean" he whined when he turned it on testing the water before shoving Castiel in. Castiel gasped as the lukewarm water hit him gradually warming up slowly.
"Well you need one and for once I'm the sober one buddy" he said grabbing the soap and stilling Castiel who chuckled when he washed him down.
"Tickles, Dean"
Dean rolled his eyes averting his eyes away from Castiel's now soaked boxer shorts. He was only thankful he left them on or this could have been a lot more awkward. Castiel hummed sleepily when Dean turned the shower off dragging him out and patting him down with a towel.
"Can I ban you from drinking as well?"
"Nope" he said popping the "p" and leaning heavily against Dean who sighed gripping the back of his neck to steady him.
"I heard you run out before…it wasn't because of me and…um" Dean said trailing off as he desperately tried to name the woman.
"You forgot" Castiel mumbled into his shoulder.
"Kinda, she was hot though"
"They always are"
Dean huffed hauling him back towards the bedroom. "Bed time"
Castiel hummed leaning against him before falling back onto his bed and pouting at Dean who draped the duvet over him.
"Stay with me?"
"Are you sure?"
Castiel nodded eyes slipping close as he listened to Dean sigh softly stripping out of pants till he was in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers.
"Move up"
Castiel moaned shifting up and opening his eyes when the bedroom was plunged into darkness. He turned on his side looking at Dean who frowned bemused at him.
"What?"
"My head feels weird…" he murmured reaching out of the covers to trace the air with his hands. "Everything feels…weird"
"You're weird not shut up and go to sleep" he muttered dragging his hands down and shutting his eyes for a well needed rest.
"Dean…"
"What?"
"I'll never forget will I?" he slurred pressing closer to him till he opened his eyes. Dean's eyes flashed in concern as he shook his head.
"No but you will move on"
"I forgot tonight, Dean, he doesn't exist" he whispered with a hard swallow.
"Good but I don't think drinking is going to help, Cas, you made me promise"
"You kept it" he murmured opening his eyes to look into his.
Dean nodded feeling sleepy and a little ill from the smell of soap and alcohol still radiating from Castiel who pressed his forehead against Dean's.
"Would you do anything for me?"
"Yeah, Cas, but it's the same for you…and I want you to go to sleep"
"Will you always protect me?"
"Yes, Cas" Dean said with a sigh tugging his head away burying it into the pillow. "Now shut up because it's 2.30am right now and as much as I like you…I will kill you"
"Will you kill me?"
"No but I will if you don't shut up!"
"I don't want to die" he protested softly and huffing when Dean reached out covering his mouth with a firm hand.
"Cas, go to sleep" he murmured with a groan.
Castiel huffed annoyed removing his hand and seeking comfort as he shuffled close to his warmth drifting off into an alcohol/drug induced sleep.
Castiel knew he was dreaming because it couldn't be real, they never were but why did it feel so real this time?
"You're pathetic, a waste of time, no one will ever love you" Marcus hissed into his ear as he pinned him onto the bed. "Dean, Dean is never going to want you…is he? Say it"
"This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real" he repeated shutting his eyes and moaning in pain when he felt a jab to his stomach.
"Oh this is real, Castiel, this is very, very real" he hissed gripping his jaw and clenching hard. The pain felt more than real as he screamed fighting under his grip.
"No, no, no, no" he whispered with a sob needing to get out but his body wasn't responding as he struggled in vain.
"Say it!"
"No, no…"
"Say it!" he shouted down at him.
"He'll…he'll never want me" he said with a small sob squeezing his eyes closed.
The dream Marcus above him hummed in approval before doing what he always did and slashing his throat. The pain felt very real as his hands reached up clutching his throat feeling the wet slide of hot blood pulsing around his hands. Castiel struggled for breath above him but he wouldn't die as he watched Marcus above him smiling viciously. It was brutal, cold, and more than terrifying as he felt hands on his belt and he couldn't even cry out. It was the shock that brought him out as he felt hands on his shoulders and a familiar voice shouting his name as he opened his eyes feeling cold streaks down his cheeks.
"Cas, it's okay, it's okay, it's just a dream!" Dean shouted bringing him close and soothing him as he stroked his back and swallowed hard when he clung to him. It was the rocking motion that calmed him down as he breathed in Dean's smell looking at the bottle on the nightstand.
"It's just a dream" Dean soothed to him softly.
"I need the toilet" Castiel murmured avoiding his eyes as he climbed off him grabbing the bottle discreetly before hurrying inside. He slammed the door shaking three out as he took them and slumped to the ground with a sob. It wasn't getting any better no matter how many times he told himself. His mind flew to Jackson who hours before handed him his phone number and told him to call if he needed anymore which he did. It was one step forward and three steps back.
A/N: Sorry for late update. I've been very sick and lost my job so times are hard so thank you for your feedback.