So that last chapter really divided you all! Half you were, like, "Alex needs to back off!" and the other half were saying that Olivia needs to grow up. Well, I hope this chapter makes you happy whether you support Team Benson or Team Cabot.
"Are you sure they're gonna go for this? If what you told me's true then they're probably makin' sweet love to each other on that bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire," Cam said to Josie, who was driving her Chevy Blazer with the enormous mud and snow tires carefully up the unplowed driveway.
"They've been cooped up in that tiny cabin for three straight days. We'll just have to pry them apart, make 'em put on some clothes, and drag them out to experience some humanity. Alex talks non-stop about her when we talk on the phone and you should've seen 'em when they came in for breakfast. Flirting like that only leads to one thing: sex. Red hot sex. They're good for each other. And Alex must think Olivia's something special because she's never, ever, brought someone on her little winter retreat. She's got it bad, Cam."
Cam shrugged and patted Josie's thigh. "I guess I'll see for myself soon enough, won't I?"
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Alex sat motionless on the sofa with the deafening silence surrounding her. She felt as if she'd been punched in the stomach and her head was spinning. The worst possible thing to say had been said and instantly shattered all the promises she had made to Olivia. She was no different than the others who had hurt Olivia, reminded her how screwed up she was, and tried to 'fix' her. Alex wasn't sure what to do to make Olivia forgive her, or even if Olivia would forgive her. But she knew that she felt like she had to do something, say something, anything, to set things right, and let Olivia decide where to take it from there.
Olivia stood in front of the mirror staring at her reflection. She needed some time apart from Alex so she could sort out her own feelings without being influenced by the other woman's reactions. Her mind had cleared and her thoughts kept repeating one word: why?
Gathering all the strength she had left, Alex stood up to say her piece to Olivia. Each step she took toward the closed door that separated them made the invisible fist around her heart squeeze a little tighter. She leaned heavily against the door frame, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. "Olivia...I know that what I said was unforgivable. I kept telling you I'm different, that I care enough to wait for you and that I wouldn't pressure you, but I'm just like them. I know that saying I'm sorry isn't enough, nor should it be. I have no idea what I can do to make this up to you. Just know that I would do anything for you. If you want me to take you home, I will. If you don't want me to drive you, I'll make other arrangements." Alex paused, listening intently, but couldn't hear any sounds coming from inside the bathroom. She ran her hand through her hair, then touched the door in a desperate attempt to get even slightly closer to the woman behind it. She splayed her fingers and pressed her palm harder against the wood, and continued. "I don't know what else to say, Liv. I completely understand if you never want to speak to me again. I'm leaving it up to you." Alex turned and walked to the kitchen to stir Olivia's chili. I've already burned a bridge today, why burn dinner too? she thought sadly. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but couldn't. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but she didn't cry out loud. As she replaced the lid on the pot, she was lost in thought and failed to hear the sound of a truck making its way up the driveway.
The knock on the front door a moment later startled Alex. She hadn't been expecting anyone, and she was pretty sure that the snow would keep most people off the road. Walking slowly over to the door, she heard Josie's voice from the porch.
"Alex! I know you're in there! Your car's buried out here and I don't see any footprints!"
Breathing a sigh of relief that it was just Josie and wiping the traces of tears from her face, Alex opened the door. "Hey, Josie. I didn't know you were coming by." Behind her, Olivia opened the bathroom door to see what was going on.
"Well, I tried to call, but your phone went straight to voicemail," Josie pointed out as she stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
"The power went out and I forgot to charge it when it came back on. We've had...um, a...long...day today," Alex said, looking down at the floor.
Josie stood in the middle of the room and looked from Alex to Olivia. "Well, they finally got around to plowing most of the main roads. So we're here to take you to the local dive bar for beer and nachos. Cam's out in the truck keeping it warm so change outta your pyjamas and let's go!" As she opened the door to leave, she turned and added, "And hurry up or we'll miss happy hour!" and closed the door behind her.
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When Josie climbed back in the driver's seat, Cam flashed a devilish grin and asked, "So were they doing it? And if they were, was it slow and sensual or rough and sweaty?"
Josie shook her head. "Olivia was locked in the bathroom and Alex looked like someone kicked her puppy and cancelled Christmas. I think they had an argument. A big one, too, from the looks of it."
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Olivia walked to the bunk beds, grabbed some clothes and went right back in the bathroom, closing the door softly this time. Alex sighed and quickly changed into jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. She pulled her boots on and as she reached for her coat, the bathroom door opened. Olivia went to the bed and laced up her boots, never making a sound and never looking anywhere even close to Alex's direction. As Alex put her coat on and zipped it up, she looked at Olivia out of the corner of her eye. Her heart sank as she saw the unreadable expression on the detective's face. She had been hoping for any kind of sign of how Olivia felt one way or the other, but there wasn't one. She lifted her head, opened the door, and went out on the porch to wait for Olivia.
When the detective closed the door behind her, Alex locked it and followed Olivia to the Blazer, which was now turned around and ready to head into town. The huge tires on it would be overkill on just about any other occasion, but they took on the remainder of the four feet of snowfall like it was nothing.
Cam jumped out of the passenger door and pushed the seat forward so Alex and Olivia could get in the backseat. After Alex had gotten in, Cam held her hand out for Olivia to shake. "Cam Gavin. You must be the famous Detective Olivia Benson I've heard so much about. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."
Olivia shook the offered hand and smiled. Cam had thick copper coloured hair that fell just below her shoulders. Her handshake was firm and her eyes were kind. Olivia liked her instantly. "The pleasure's all mine." She climbed in the backseat, buckled her seatbelt, and scooted as far away as Alex as she could.
The ride to the bar was silent. Josie and Cam held hands in the front seat, while Olivia sat stiffly on her side of the back seat and stared out the window. Alex looked sadly down at her hands in her lap and wished things weren't so quiet.
Josie parked the truck and they all walked together into the bar. Josie and Cam were still holding hands as they led the group, Alex was in the middle, and Olivia brought up the rear. Josie went straight to the bar to order, while Cam walked to a round booth in the corner and slid in, indicating that Alex and Olivia do the same. She frowned when Alex seated herself on the right, while Olivia seated herself to the left. When Josie returned to the table with a pitcher of beer and four glasses, Cam gave a slight shrug of her shoulders as her fiancee just stood there looking at the arrangement.
"I'm gonna run to the restroom. I'll be right back," Olivia said quickly as she left the booth and headed down the hallway toward the bathroom.
"She spent all afternoon locked in the bathroom. You'd think she'd have just gone while she was in there," Alex muttered dejectedly.
Cam poured Alex a beer and slid it in front of her. "What happened between you two? Josie made it sound like you were just waiting to be alone to jump each other and then she comes out and tells me it looked like you had a fight."
Alex crossed her arms on the table and dropped her head to rest on them, took a deep breath and raised her head again. "I said something REALLY horrible to her after spending the last two days trying to convince her I'd never hurt her. She's had some really difficult stuff to deal with in her life and she's scared of letting people in for fear they'll get to know who she really is behind her tough cop persona and think she's weak. She confided in me and I threw it all back in her face because I was angry." She paused to try to swallow the lump in her throat, but it didn't work. She took a shaky breath. "We kissed...finally, really kissed, and it was the greatest feeling I've ever felt, to find out she felt the same way and..." She stopped again to find the right words. "We connected like I've never connected with anyone else before. I know it sounds corny, but it's true."
"It doesn't sound corny at all," Josie assured Alex. "It sounds like a fairy tale."
"Well, I made it into a nightmare. She hasn't said a word to me since she locked herself in the bathroom. We were making progress. Last night we slept wrapped around each other and it felt so good to fall asleep in her arms, listening to her heartbeat, and wake up pressed against her back," she finished and shook her head sadly.
As Josie and Alex talked Cam had watched Olivia come down the hallway from the bathroom and stand in front of the jukebox in the corner of the room. She opened her mouth to weigh in on the conversation, but didn't speak immediately as she heard something that changed what she was going to say entirely. "Alex, I'm pretty sure she forgives you."
Alex looked confused. "Cam, how can you possibly know that? She hasn't even looked at me, let alone said anything to me."
A slow grin spread across Cam's freckled face. She turned to her fiancee. "Do you hear the sounds of forgiveness, Josie?"
Josie listened for a few seconds and nodded. "I do, Cam. I definitely do."
Still confused and growing irritated with Cam and Josie's cryptic comments, Alex listened. I Believe by Stevie Wonder was coming from the jukebox. It was a song about two people overcoming despair and forgiving the hurt from the past and believing the love between them would last forever. As Alex's expression changed from confusion to understanding, she stood up and slowly made her way across the dancefloor.
Olivia stood with her back to the seating area, her left thumb hooked in her pocket while her right hand pressed the numbers for her last selection. She hoped the songs she picked out would say the things she couldn't put into words.
As Alex reached the jukebox, she was shaking as she reached out and took Olivia's hand from her pocket and entwined their fingers. A couple of seconds passed before Olivia squeezed Alex's fingers, giving the blonde woman a tangible sign that she wasn't going to run away from her. A few more moments passed before Alex turned to Olivia. "Come on," she whispered as she led Olivia out to the middle of the empty dancefloor. Olivia stood with her gaze transfixed on Alex. Her expression had softened and there was even the barest hint of a smile on her face. Alex released Olivia's hand and wrapped one arm around her waist and reached up with the other to cup the detective's cheek. Olivia put her arms around Alex's waist and held her tightly as they gently swayed to the music.
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"Looking at them is gonna put me in a diabetic coma," Josie declared taking a sip of her beer.
Cam playfully swatted Josie's arm. "Hey! Go easy on 'em. New love's so exciting and I remember we were pretty nauseating to watch when we first got together," she pointed out.
"You're right, my love," Josie said as she rested her head on Cam's shoulder.
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Alex leaned forward and kissed Olivia. When their lips parted, they looked at each other for a time, both knowing they needed to say something, but not wanting to ruin the moment.
Olivia broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Alex. You were right."
"What? No, Olivia, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should apologise. And I'm not right. I'll never forgive myself for what I said." Alex looked down at the floor.
"Please forgive yourself, Alex. You called me out on something that I need to get over if I'm ever gonna let someone in and have a chance at happiness. I pick fights when I feel like people are getting too close and I couldn't stop myself from acting out. It's childish, I know, but I've been alone for so long that I don't know what it's like to have someone who wants to be with me no matter what." Olivia reached up and turned Alex's head so she could look her in the eye. "I know you're sorry, Alex. And you were right. It is tragic that I keep everyone at a distance because I've been hurt in the past. You shouldn't have to keep proving yourself to me. You've been so patient and accepting of everything I've thrown at you and I really want to be with you, just please don't give up on me." Tears pricked the back of her eyes. "If I run, just give me a little time, but please come find me." Olivia blinked and the unshed tears made their way down her cheeks. "Don't let me go."
Alex began to cry. "Oh, Liv. I will never let you go." She crushed her lips to Olivia's and kissed her until they were both breathless.
"I'm scared that I've built this up so much in my mind that it can't possibly live up to what I've imagined," Olivia said quietly.
"Olivia, just tell me what you need and I'll do my best to make it happen. I want to give you everything you desire. You deserve to be adored." Alex watched as the detective blushed. "If you ever want to talk about something, I'm always here for you. If you don't want to talk about something, I won't push you. I wanna hold you when you cry and watch your eyes light up when you laugh. I wanna make you blush when I tell you how hot you are, and how soft your lips are, and how much I like just being near you." Olivia blushed again. "Just like that," Alex pointed out as she winked at Olivia.
"When I stormed off into the bathroom I just kept asking myself why. Why did I fall so hard for you? Why did you fall for me? Why did I accept your invitation? Why did I open up to you? Why didn't you recoil in horror when I told you my life story? Why did I keep trying to push you away? Why did I-"
Alex kissed Olivia to get her to stop talking. "Shhhhh. Don't analyse the past. We're only going to move forward. A fresh start beginning right now." Olivia nodded. "Now that we're clear on some things, we should probably join Josie and Cam before they drink all the beer and we can finish this back at the cabin."
Olivia took Alex's hand and they walked together back to the booth. Josie and Cam were both grinning from ear to ear.
"So, everything OK?" Josie asked as Alex and Olivia sat down side by side in the booth.
"Better than OK," Olivia said as she looked at Alex, who smiled even wider than she already was.
Cam clapped Alex on the back. "Glad to hear it. The nachos are on their way as well as another pitcher because your cousin drank your pint and hers," she said, looking at Josie with mock-indignation.
"It was getting warm!" Josie explained.
Putting her hand on Josie's arm, Cam rolled her eyes. "I'm driving home, love, so you can drink my share of the next pitcher."
"Deal!"
The nachos arrived and the conversation at the table turned to lighter subjects like Josie and Cam's upcoming wedding, crazy stories from Olivia's job, ridiculous things Alex had heard at work, and everyone was laughing and having a good time. Josie told a few embarrassing stories about Alex, which Olivia thoroughly enjoyed while Alex shot death glares at her cousin. When the beer and nachos had both been finished, Alex paid the bill (Olivia didn't even try to offer to pay because she remembered all too well what happened when she paid for the groceries), and they filed out to the Blazer. On the ride back to the cabin, Josie and Cam once again held hands, but this time so were Alex and Olivia.