[Author's Note; Woah, so now I have 61 follows? Awesome. Anyway, here's chapter 13! Four more until the end! Remember, if you do want to read my fanfic elsewhere, it is also here - ej - fanfiction . weebly . com. Happy reading~ Please leave your thoughts! (; I have so many silent readers.]
On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?
That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so.
Chapter Thirteen: Mavericks
(Warnings; Strong language, violence, manga spoilers, etc.)
My mouth agape, I watched the long-haired dwarf Titan Ymir had become wreaking havoc beneath us, leaving a path of destruction everywhere she went. She was much smaller in comparison to the rest of them, yet possessed the speed and intelligence that none of them could ever dream of rivaling. Unlike Eren, it seemed as if Ymir had knowledge of her special abilities and used it to her advantage. The four of us simply watched her from where we stood, dumbstruck and in disbelief. I had always doubted Ymir, but never would I have guessed she was a Titan-Shifter as well.
"No way, even Ymir can transform into a Titan..." Connie breathed in both awe and confusion.
Bertholdt and Reiner seemed have a reaction like none other, and that was of raw terror, something completely out of character for them. I understood their bewilderment, but the way they reacted upon seeing her Titan form was like nothing I had ever seen on their faces ever before.
"Sh-she's that Titan from back then," Reiner cried, his eyes wide. Bertholdt, feeling suddenly weak in his knees, placed a hand against the wall, steadying himself.
Krista, who in her shock hadn't realized she was leaning out too far, slipped when the tower shook, toppling over the edge. Reiner quickly seized her by the leg, saving her from her fall. However, his grip did not loosen, simply tightening as he watched Ymir dancing about down below.
"Reiner, my leg..." Krista winced at the sudden pain, Connie helping her back up.
"C'mon, Reiner, that's enough! Let go already!" he shouted to the dazed boy. "Are you even listening to me?"
Snapping out of his trance by Connie's strident tone, he released his tense grip on Krista'a leg, apologizing profusely. "Krista, did you know Ymir was a Titan?"
"No, I had no idea," she stammered. "We've known each other the whole three years, but yet I didn't know any of this. Is that really Ymir? I... I refuse to believe it."
"In other words, she knows the answers to some of the mysteries this world holds. Geez, I never would have imagined..." Reiner spoke, regaining his composure.
"She should have revealed her identity and contributed like Eren did," Bertholdt mused. "Does that mean that she couldn't do it for some reason?"
"Hold on a sec!" Connie exclaimed. "But didn't Eren not have any knowledge of his powers?"
"Looks to me like Ymir knew about hers," I piped up from the sidelines. "She was a Titan-shifter the whole time, but told us nothing about it. I never trusted her but I didn't think she'd be hiding her true identity like this."
"Then... on whose side is she?"
Silence took over, and we all stood by dumbly as Ymir was gradually overpowered. She began to scale the tower, her nimble, sharp hands digging into the stone, making the tower even weaker than it already had been. At this rate, it really would collapse and crush us in the process. Seeming to have come to the same realization, Ymir released her grip on the tower, sacrificing herself in order to protect us. The Titans waiting down below snatched her in their outstretched hands, sinking their teeth down into her flesh. She struggled, but to no avail. She was greatly outnumbered, and fighting all of them on her own would be close to impossible.
"Don't die, Ymir!" Krista shouted, overcome with a strange strength. "Don't die at a place like this! Don't you put on the good guy act, you hear? Don't tell me you hold us so dear that you're willing to die for us, idiot!"
Connie held onto Krista, who had ascended onto the ledge to yell towards Ymir, preventing her from toppling over the edge.
"You're a person who values herself more than anything, aren't you? You're Ymir, the person with the worst personality imaginable, don't forget that!" Krista continued, her voice resonating throughout our ears. "Live for yourself, then! If you're planning on dying protecting this tower, then to hell with it! Just knock it down already!"
After she had said it, we felt the tower crumble beneath us, threatening to topple over any instant. I crashed into Bertholdt beside me, nearly falling over Connie, too, in the process. Krista cheered loudly, the rest of us in a state of panic as the tower readied to give way beneath us. Ymir, in her Titan form, jumped onto the top of the tower at that moment, her full, beady-eyed face coming into view.
"Wanna live? Grab on," she growled. Everyone lunged at her, grabbing onto her long hair like they would reigns. I hesitated for a moment before being forcefully pulled on by Connie and Reiner, Ymir taking off as the tower crumbled under her feet. We soared through the air on her back, landing a good distance from the rubble and watching as the stone buried the Titans alive. I slid off of her back, gazing out into the distance. I could see the wall just over the horizon, reminding me that civilization was only a step away.
I suddenly remembered about the Ape Titan and felt a horrid sickness overcome me. Just where was that thing right now? Was it already within the walls, destroying everything? Or had it left already, never to return again?
I vowed to kill it after what it had done. It had led an army of Titans after us, causing Nanaba, Gelger, Rene, and Henning to lose their lives much too early. If that thing was still somewhere close, as soon as I got my hands on my gear, I would be off to confront it.
"No way, the Titans are getting up," Connie cried aloud, looking towards Ymir. "Hey, fugly, go finish them off, hurry up!"
Ymir immediately charged at them, but to our horror, she was seized by the hair by an emerging Titan and slammed head-first into a slab of stone. The Titans proceeded to surround her, tearing her apart and eating her alive. I unsheathed my dagger, brows knitted in anger as I headed to rescue her. Reiner stopped me before I could, grabbing my shoulder with his good arm and glaring at me seriously.
"What are you doing?! Are you crazy?" he hissed. "A dagger isn't going to do anything to a Titan!"
"Reiner's right," Bertholdt agreed. "You're going to get yourself killed."
"But we can't just let her die like this," I argued. "We're next after her, you know?"
"Even if we are, I'm not going to let you run in and kill yourself like that!" Reiner shot back.
"So you'll let them kill Ymir?" I demanded, overcome with fury. "I refuse to leave her to get killed by those pieces of shit. How could we just abandon her when we can save h-"
A dark shadow fell over me as a Titan emerged from the corner, reaching its hand out to grab me. Reiner bumped me out of the way, Bertholdt making haste to grab me and pull me from the Titan's reach. It missed, grabbing at nothing and becoming increasingly frustrated. Connie and Krista gawked at it, unable to budge as the Titan moved to try to snatch me once again.
"Leave her alone!" Bertholdt shouted, taking the dagger from my hands and pointing it out defensively at the Titan. Just when it looked like we would both end up as minced meat, I heard the familiar whizzing sound of maneuver gear and saw a form zip by, downing the Titan in a single blow. It pitched forward, its dead body landing with a thud on the ground before us. From the vapor emerged Mikasa, who had arrived with Hanji, Eren, Armin, and a squad of senior officers from the Survey Corps.
They handled the rest from there, killing all of the Titans and saving Ymir. I stood with Bertholdt and Reiner, who had teamed up and saved me from certain death. I felt ashamed for relying on others to save me, yet I couldn't deny that now I trusted them and was indebted to them both for what they had done. Pondering over how to approach them about it, Reiner did the honors and addressed me himself.
"Hey, how's your arm?" he inquired.
"My arm? It doesn't even hurt anymore," I admit. "Either that, or I've gotten used to the pain, so it doesn't feel like much. More importantly, what about yours? For a Titan that small, it really packed a punch, didn't it?"
The boy chuckled dryly. "Yeah. I'm fine, it's really nothing."
It was silent for a moment before I decided that now was the right time to show them my gratitude. "Hey, Bertholdt, Reiner, thanks for saving me back there. If it weren't for the two of you, I'd surely be dead right now," I thanked, bowing my head. My mother had taught me that lowering your head was a sign of respect, and in this case, I lowered it as much as I could to them both.
"Don't sweat it," Reiner spoke after a brief pause. "It's weird for you to do stuff like this, y'know? It's unlike you."
"Y-yeah, you don't need to thank us," Bertholdt assured.
"Well," I started, smiling brightly at them, "Thank you anyway."
Their faces reddened deeply as I smiled genuinely at them for the first time since I had known them, a new sense of understanding forming between me and them. Eren appeared at this time, taking notice of the strange, flustered expressions on their faces.
"Eren," I beamed excitedly. "You're okay!"
"Yeah and y-" I suddenly embraced him with all my might, feeling relieved that he was alive and well. Shocked by my sudden affection, Eren was frozen stiff, his eyes wide as I pulled away, placing my hands on either side of his face. "Lilianna?"
"Are you hurt anywhere?" I asked in concern.
"N-no, not really."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness..."
"Um, h-how about you? Are you hurt?" he stammered.
I shook my head. "No, I'm not. But Ymir..."
"Eren," Mikasa called, pulling him away from me. She glared at me, hostility in her dark eyes. "Don't wander off like that."
"I was just checking up on Lilianna and the others!" he protested. "You didn't have to do that, Mikasa!"
I watched as Eren was dragged away, leaving me alone with Reiner and Bertholdt, who had been watching me keenly. I stared blankly at the back of Mikasa's head, indecipherable emotions swelling up inside of me.
"You had a little brother, right?" Reiner inquired.
"Yeah. Aaron," I mumbled.
"Eren?" Bertholdt asked, having misheard what I said.
"No, not 'Eren'. Aaron," I distinguished.
"Is that why you're so protective over Eren?" Reiner questioned, hitting dead on. How did he figure me out so easily? Slightly reproachful, I narrowed my eyes at him. However, there was no trace of malice in his expression, so I reluctantly nodded my head, smiling mournfully as I glanced back at Eren's retreating form. Even the manner in which he comported himself as he walked was akin to that of my sibling. If Aaron were here, surely he and Eren would be close, perhaps even best friends.
"Sometimes, even I forget my little brother is gone," I confessed, feeling nostalgic as I pictured that silly grin of his that had long since been acquainted with him. "Eren looks and acts just like my brother. I guess that's why I feel so attached to him. I sometimes think I'm looking at my brother when I see Eren. They have the same smile, the same raw determination. If he were here, he would definitely be a much better soldier than I."
They were quiet, but I paid no heed. Ymir was lying on a stretcher near by, seriously injured but alive. Krista was at her side, along with Hanji, who was asking her questions. To my disappointment, there was no sign of Levi anywhere. He hadn't come along, neither had Jean. The Commander was nowhere to be found, most likely because he was still within the walls, dormant as he waited for updates to come in to him.
"Let's get back to the wall," Hanji announced. We rode to the wall and were given maneuver gear to scale it. I was one of the first to reach the top and was approached immediately by Hanji. "Lili! You alright?"
"Squad Leader," I greeted. "Yes, I'm fine. How is Ymir?"
"Pretty badly injured, but she's recovering," she answered worriedly. "Levi has been worried about you, you know?"
"What?"
"He hasn't said it, of course, but I can tell. He's more unfocused than he usually is," she answered. "You should go and see him. If you get on the other side of the wall, you'll get to the base in ten minutes. I'm sure he's just sitting around doing nothing. Go pay him a visit, it'll brighten up his morning!"
I chuckled. "I doubt the Lance Corporal is even awake yet."
"No, no, no, I know he is! He gets up as soon as the sun rises! Trust me!" she assured. "Oh, Moblit, there you are! Come here and escort Miss Lilianna down the wall, please."
Moblit, her tall, handsome assistant, rushed over at the sound of her voice. "Yes, ma'am! Please follow me."
I nodded my head, trailing after him as we advanced towards the other end of the wall. He stopped for a moment to speak to a group of officers, leaving me ample time to slip away. I tiptoed from the scene once his back was turned and found myself wandering off, trying to get myself out of sight from Hanji's diligent assistant. I spotted Eren speaking with Bertholdt and Reiner and contemplated about approaching them. They seemed to be conversing seriously, however, so I hesitated where I stood.
"Hey Lilianna, aren't you going down like the others are?" Armin called when he saw me loitering around.
"I am. It's just that I just wanted to speak to Eren and the other two, but I don't want to disrupt them," I reasoned. "After all, there's something I want to ask Reiner and Bertholdt."
"Really? What?"
"I just want to check up on them. They risked their lives to save me, I just want to show them I trust them," I openly admit, feeling compelled to profess my genuine feelings on the matter of my friendship with the pair.
A mist shrouded his bright blue eyes before completely vanishing, as if it had never been there in the first place. Had my eyes fooled me, or had I detected a hint of hostility in his expression? The blond boy, with such a brilliant mind, was completely unreadable, forbidding me from deciphering the fog that had just ghosted across his round irises. Just what was he hiding from me that he had put up such an indestructible blockade to shut me out from it? I longed to make an incision on his head and dissect his genius brain, uncovering the truth behind his unrivaled intelligence.
At that instant, I saw Mikasa withdraw the blades from her sides and start pacing towards Reiner and Bertholdt, her demeanor dark and merciless as she picked up her pace. Starting after her, I was held back by Armin, who stopped me in my tracks before I could rush to defend them.
"Look out!"
My warning cry came too late.
Reiner's arm was lopped off and his other arm severely cut, while Bertholdt was dealt a stunning blow to the neck. Eren was pulled out of the way hastily as Mikasa advanced onto Bertholdt, who clutched at his bleeding neck as he howled in overwhelming pain. Mortified, I wrenched myself free and dashed towards Mikasa, who was poised for the final hit. I tackled her from the back, sending her toppling over and disarming her.
However, being strong, she wrestled me, fighting back with full force as I struggled to keep her pinned down. She glowered dangerously at me, wriggling beneath me as she desperately attempted to throw me off. I refused to release my grip on her and shoved her down into the ground, engaged in mortal combat with the most powerful soldier from our class. She grasped onto my wrists with a shocking force, trying to wrench them off of her shoulders, her brute force debilitating my own. Jaded from a long, sleepless night, I was unable to keep her pinned down much longer and my body was sent flying, nearly rolling over the edge of the wall in the process.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" I demanded Mikasa, who picked up her blades. I picked myself back up from the ground, facing her off. "Why are you attacking them?!"
"You fool," she snapped angrily, pacing towards me with murderous intentions. "Are you on their side, too? I'll skin you alive, right here!"
"Mikasa, don't!" Eren shouted. "Get out of there right now, the both of you! It's dangerous!"
Bewildered, I met the apologetic eyes of Bertholdt and Reiner, my system completely overridden by my confusion. Mikasa suddenly ran at me, prepared for battle. I hardly had the time to react, frozen in place as she closed in on me. I waited and waited for the pain to come, but it never did. An unexpected, blinding explosion took place right before my eyes, forcing me off my feet and catapulting me off of the wall's edge. Without the ability to see, I groped around for my shooting mechanisms, fumbling with the handles and carelessly losing my grip on one of them in the process.
With one left, I aimed where I assumed the wall to be and shot it, the brute strength of the gun sending me further back in recoil. I prayed I had guessed correctly, awaiting the tug that would indicate that I had anchored onto something and wouldn't plummet downwards to my certain death. The deafening wind pressure roared by my ears, screeching as it pushed me further and faster down to my death. I had missed, and now, I was absolutely certain that this would be the end.
I had narrowly escaped death so many times already - That Day where I had been barely saved by Levi, the times during training where I was at my body's utmost limits, my first official mission as a soldier when I had been rescued by Lyle, permitting him to sacrifice himself just for me. On my way back to the wall, I had been cornered from both sides by a horde of Titans, Levi swooping in and forever encasing himself permanently in my heart. Another time, during the 57th expedition outside the walls, my first one as a Scout, Matthew Mackerie had made an attempt on my life, one of which I had barely made it out with my life still intact. Just earlier, Bertholdt and Reiner had willingly thrust themselves in front me, shielding me from the incoming danger of the Titan without even hesitating for a single instant - was my life really worth that much?
How could all of these people voluntarily give up their lives for me? I was a monster with a heart blacker and more wicked than hell itself, carrying within it a raw, unadulterated spite that would cause even the Devil himself to flee with his tail between his legs!
I couldn't understand it at all.
I experienced a tug that snapped me violently out of my thoughts, my body jerking to a halt mid-air as my line reached its end. I crashed against the wall knee-first, grimacing from the pain shooting up through my thighs and coursing throughout my body. The aching only lasted for several moments, my stark white vision slowly clearing itself up. I craned my neck up from where I was and to my horror, saw that where Bertholdt and Reiner had once been were the Colossal and Armored Titans. Only the top half of the Colossal had formed, its immense ribs digging into the wall and the lower portion of its body missing. It was formidable as ever, with a gigantic body and a form completely devoid of skin. From where I was perched, I could see the steam billowing from its body, just as I had remembered from That Day, when I had met its gaze long ago.
After what seemed like an eternity, I watched the Armored Titan grab onto Eren and jump off the wall on the opposing side, out of my sight. All I could see was the Colossal and how its massive arm swept across the sky, giving everyone no other choice but to get off of the wall and away from his arm range. Stupefied, I hurried to get to the top, though it was difficult with only one side of my shooting mechanism. I constantly had to disconnect and reconnect with the wall, bouncing back several times before finally reaching the the top. By then the Colossal had swallowed Ymir and another Scout, and I could do nothing but stand before him, horrified.
After five years, I was now face-to-face with the perpetrator behind the attack that destroyed everything I loved and held dear. Drawing my weapons, I advanced towards him at a brisk pace, ready to annihilate him for everything he had done. That was when I suddenly skidded to a halt, the giant bulges of the Titan's eyes locking itself dead upon me.
There was no killing intent, no hatred, nothing but despair and recognition as he fixed his gaze dead onto me. For a moment it was as if time had stopped and the Colossal and I were the only ones in the universe, frozen in time and space. The frantic, panicked shouts and screams became muffled murmur in the background as I came eye-to-eye with the mastermind behind it all.
Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.
My heart stopped beating.
Those round, anxious eyes I had known for a long time now - there was absolutely no mistaking it. My sudden revelation sucked my body dry of blood and I felt my knees go dead beneath me as I fell to my knees. The Titan stared at me, unmoving, almost as if he were remorseful. My lips parted to speak, but no sound came out, only incoherent bits and pieces of my strained, mortified voice. I knew the Colossal Titan. He was in my midst the whole entire time, his subterfuge clever enough to fool even I, who was trained to detect facades. How had I let this slip by? Was it because I had allowed myself to soften and let down my guard? I had been duped, duped by those who I had just began to trust with my life. My throat went dry, and I was overcome with the gut-searing urge to vomit.
"...Bertholdt?"
A cacophony of shouts erupted around me like a ring of detonating bombs and I broke the surface. I was grabbed from behind by Armin, who pulled me from the line of danger. My body shook with burning hatred, my blood boiling up higher and crazier than ever before, until the point that it was as if my whole body were engulfed in flames. The uncontrollable, rapidly spiraling fury burst out through my lungs as I broke free of Armin's grip, releasing all of my feelings of rage, despair, and betrayal all at once.
"You fucking traitors!" I bellowed, tears blurring my vision. "How could you betray all us like this, when we trusted you?! You're just worthless pieces of shit who kill innocent people as a hobby! Tell me, what was it all for, huh? Was it all worth it? Stop being a motherfuckin' pussy and answer me right now!"
"Lilianna, stop it!" Armin cried, trying to pull me back. I shook him off, facing Bertholdt with hot, angry tears running down my cheeks.
"I never should have trusted you! I never should have believed that you were my friends!" I continued relentlessly, walking towards him with my blades drawn. "I should've realized it long ago, that the two of you were just putting up an act just to get close to us. How does it feel, to know how badly you've hurt everyone? How badly you've hurt me? I'll kill you, if that's the last thing I do."
I smiled amidst all of the tears, advancing towards a shocked Bertholdt. "I'll chop you up, then I'll kill that bastard Reiner," I announced. "You were the one I saw that day. Do you remember me, Bertholdt? The girl with the straw hat, bright yellow dress, and hair pinned up? Remember me? You and I looked right at each other before you kicked the wall in."
I reached him, standing fearlessly in front of him, my wrath taking over once again. "That day, I had gone to the bakery, bought a basket of fresh bread to bring back to my family, to my little brother with a fragile heart! I was just an innocent little girl then, you know?" I wept pitifully, plagued with the agony of all of these years of madness. "He didn't deserve what happened to him. Nobody deserved the hell that you brought to us! Do you know how it feels to be helpless?! Do you?! To see your family in pain, to be unable you protect them or fulfill your promise to be with them forever?! Do you, Bertholdt?!"
I was gripping onto the handles of the swords so hard that my hands began to bleed. "Do you know how many fucking times I had nightmares, remembering how I couldn't do a single thing to save them? How I promised my brother I wouldn't leave him, no matter what happened? How do you think he felt, trapped under that slab of stone while I managed to get away with my life?" I wailed. "Why didn't I die along with them? That way, I wouldn't have become the monster I am now! It's all your fault. It's because of you and Reiner and the motherfucking Titans that I'm this way."
"I'll destroy you all, until it's raining your blood," I whispered, so that only he could hear. I could see the raw terror clouding his eyes as I raised my swords, preparing for the attack. "I'm gonna fucking kill you..."
Before I could do a thing, he suddenly rose, scorching heat and boiling hot steam shooting out from him - his eyes, his back, everywhere. I leapt back, narrowly escaping with my hands burning from the ridiculously hot temperatures. I landed beside Armin, skidding to a stop with my arms stinging from being pelted by that heat.
"Lilianna, stay back!" Armin suggested. "It's too dangerous now, as long as he's giving off all of that heat, our maneuver gear is useless against him!"
Panicking, I shook my head. "N-no... no, I won't let him get away! I'll kill him!"
"I forbid you to," Hanji ordered. "Stay back and assist Connie and Krista with the wounded. We'll handle the rest from here."
"But I'm armed now! I can help out," I protested. I saw Eren in his Titan form locked in combat with Reiner down below, Mikasa making futile attempts to cut out the nape of Reiner's neck. If I were to help out, the three of us could team up and bring the traitor down.
"No. We need someone up here to assist," she shook her head. Gritting my teeth in anger, I had no choice but to abide by her commands. I plugged my swords back in and stormed off to assist Connie and Krista, who were tending to the injured. I dropped off my gear at their sides, angry tears still dripping down my face as I helped them out.
"Lilianna!" Connie exclaimed. "What's going on?"
"Bertholdt and Reiner - they're the Colossal and Armored Titans," I informed. "We've had there Titans in our midst the whole time, yet we never even knew about it."
"Huh?!" Krista cried. "They're the Colossal and Armored Titans?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "I was ordered to stay put, but there's nothing I want better to do than to kill those fuckin' traitors."
"H-hold on!" Connie protested. "You're not sure of this, are you?"
"I'm sure of it," I retorted. "And to think I stopped Mikasa earlier, when she could've killed those damn bastards earlier. It's my fault that they're in their Titan forms right now. I should've let her kill them."
"N-no, this can't be true..." he croaked, mortified. "Reiner and Bertholdt? No way..."
"I don't want it to be true either." My voice was shaky, riddled with anguish. "I… Just when I started to trust them, this shit had to happen. The world really is a cruel place, isn't it? Who can we trust but ourselves? Everything is falling apart here and now. That bastard of a Colossal Titan is Bertholdt, and the Armored is Reiner – to think the two who tore apart my life saved mine just earlier. What the fuck is going on?"
There was a booming sound far below as Eren grabbed Reiner into a tight headlock, temporarily disabling him. Things looked like they would end well, that is, until Reiner lifted his head and unleashed a deafening bellow. Was he calling for help? The next sequence of events happened so fast that I could hardly even comprehend it. The Colossal, Bertholdt, began to move from his position on the wall, hoisting himself off and propelling himself downwards straight ahead for Eren and Reiner. The bright explosion forced me backwards, Connie and Krista watching the tall bursts of heat and energy in astonishment. I scrambled to the edge with my swords at my disposal, seeing a gaping crater in the ground where the sparring Titans had just been. The three Titans had seemed to vanish, until I saw Reiner running off in the distance.
"Bastard, I won't let you get away," I growled, preparing to go after them.
"Are you crazy? You won't make it," Connie protested. "We can't go after them without horses!"
"But they're getting away with Ymir and Eren!" I argued. "We can't let them escape!"
In spite of my protests, I could do nothing but sit back and watch as Reiner's form vanished from sight.
Five hours later, I sat along the edge of the wall with Connie, Krista, Armin, and Mikasa. Reiner and Bertholdt's true identities had been exposed to us all; Reiner was the Armored Titan and Bertholdt was the Colossal, the pair who had attempted a coup on humanity years ago when I was only a child. I couldn't describe the feelings that were spreading inside of me. I was a discombobulation of anger, hurt, sadness, disbelief - but most of all, I felt betrayed. I hadn't spoken since that moment I watched helplessly as the two traitors escaped, Ymir and Eren in their possession. All I did do was sit down and think, something that would eventually rot me away from the inside out.
Nobody blamed me for my silence. There was nothing much to really talk about anyway. Even Connie, who usually had lots to say, hardly said a thing and sat quietly beside me, gazing out blankly into the distance.
Several officers, including Squad Leader Hanji, had been injured from that explosion that had left behind a giant crater in the ground below. Bertholdt had hoisted his massive body off of the top of the wall upon hearing Reiner's call for help, causing that sudden eruption of light and heat. Following that, they had made a run for it, seizing that opportunity to withdraw. I was unable to stop the perpetrators on the attack on man and thus, had failed not only my family, but humankind as well. Just what kind of soldier was I?
"I just can't believe that bullshit about Bertholdt and Reiner," Connie broke the tense, shared silence. "I refuse to believe that they're our enemies until I hear that from them myself!"
I glanced at him, unable to return his sentiment. I couldn't forgive them for what they'd done, no matter how I looked at it. They had torn my life and the lives of thousands of others into shreds. I just couldn't find the heart to be able to allow what evil deeds they'd done to slip past me.
The click-clack of horse hooves averted my attention. Reinforcements had arrived, Commander Erwin Smith at the head of the pack. The sight of him, riding so valiantly at the front, made my blood boil in a habitually unrestrained vehemence. Seeing him again, in this time of emotional distress, just fueled my desire to stain my hands with his blood. I hated him, hated him with all of my being. He had committed the worst sin possible, the murder of fellow man.
But then again, Bertholdt and Reiner were also to blame for this unforgivable act.
Just who was my enemy? Who should I truly be after - Bertholdt and Reiner, the traitors, or the Commander, who I had sought out for since that day? At this rate, the whole world would become my enemy and I would have no hope to cling onto any longer.
"Lilianna, Connie!" Jean cried, getting off of his horse and rushing over to us.
"Jean!" Connie exclaimed. The brown-haired boy sensed my unwillingness to converse and consulted Connie for all of the updates. It was then that he left Connie to approach me, kneeling at my side and placing a gentle, uncertain hand lightly upon my backside. I turned my agonizing face away from him, not wanting him to see the despair and unrest wrought upon my features.
"Hey," he gently spoke. "You okay?"
I shook my head.
He shifted his position, taking a seat next to me. "If you want to, you can talk to me. Don't you dare take back what you told me," he said firmly yet softly. "Remember? I'm your friend, you said so yourself. Trust me."
"I do trust you," I responded quietly.
"Share some of your suffering with me," he urged. "Even if only a little bit, I want to help."
I looked at him tearfully. "Why are you like this, Jean? Why do you treat me so kindly when I don't deserve it?" I asked. "You're such a fool."
He merely smiled. "You finally looked at me."
"Idiot," I muttered. "You're so stupid and ugly."
"Thank you," he chuckled. "Now are you going to stop responding to my questions with questions, or are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"
"It's just..." I began, not knowing where to begin. "I don't know how to feel right now. I'm angry, so angry that I'm numb from being so fucking mad because they were fooling us the whole time. How the fuck did they feel knowing how many deaths and how much suffering that they caused? How can they live with what they've done? How could they pretend to be soldiers, to pretend to be our friends when they were our worst enemies the whole time? I just don't understand it at all."
I swallowed the lump in my throat, my hands balling into tight fists as I met his steady gaze. "But at the same time, I'm mad because they betrayed my trust and stabbed me in the back. They knew what happened to me, what happened to my family. So how could they act like they were my friends?" I demanded. "Just earlier, when a Titan was going for me, they teamed up and pushed me out of harm's way, putting their own lives in danger. I was saved by them, the two who were behind it all. It makes me sick."
Jean was silent for a moment before taking my hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. "You have every right to be angry, whether it be because they were fakes or because they betrayed your friendship or whatever," he said. "Don't feel like you need to force yourself to do anything. Those bastards, they killed so many people, and yet they still had the nerve to pretend to be our friends. It's just wrong."
"Yeah," I mumbled. "What's going to happen now?"
"I don't know, but I have a feeling we'll be going after them. They're going to have to give us some answers then," he assumed.
I nodded my head. "Yeah. I'll make sure they do."
A shadow fell over me and I found myself gazing up into the stark blue eyes of the Commander.
"Lilianna, I have something I need to discuss with you."