Bunokura Town, September 2016
Evening
„So, it that thing permanent?" Shizuo hummed, pointing his chopsticks at Izaya's legs and receiving a deeply offended look in return.
They were both seated in Izaya's dim bedroom, now turned light by Shizuo forcing the blinds open. He got inside here after coming back with the kids good few hours after taking them for dinner and using a mixture of bribery and threats to get Izaya to open the door. Or, well…
"Izaya, I have ootoro and I'm gonna get in there, so either open the door or I'm breaking them down."
They had an awkward meal together now – Shizuo happily devouring his salmon rolls, while Izaya elegantly savoured his fatty tuna. It almost felt domestic, really.
"...well first of all, haven't your parents taught you you shouldn't go around pointing with your chopsticks, you brute? And second of all, is that the kind of question you ask all disabled people, or just me?" Izaya huffed, pursing his lips and setting his chopsticks down onto the tray on his lap.
"No, I only ask that to annoying fleas who won't talk if I ask them indirectly. C'mon. It's not some morbid curiosity, okay? I wanna know how much I hurt you."
"…that definitely sounds like morbid curiosity."
"How about it sounds like something a guy has been tormenting himself forever for, and wants to know the real extent of damage? I didn't even know if I didn't kill you in the end, dammit."
Well, that made Izaya halt and look at Shizuo with a frown for a few long moments. Well… of course. He should have guessed. Having now confirmed the blond knew he was Psyche, it was only natural that after finding out his friend was the same person he very nearly killed the other day, Shizuo might feel bad. And as much as Izaya couldn't deny there was some kind of dark satisfaction in having the blond torment himself over hurting him, after a moment he sighed, and shook his head.
"…not according to the doctors, no. My legs are functional, at any rate. It's just that walking on them causes me a… fair deal of pain. Apparently, it might go away with rehabilitation… well, I don't really have time for that, so on this chair I stay."
Izaya kept his eyes on his food throughout his speech. He didn't want to look up and see Shizuo's pity. He could take many things, but not that.
"…I'm sorry."
Well, that made the raven laugh. Bitterly, but still.
"I suppose it could've been worse. You could've dumped that vending machine on me after all." he murmured, flashing his eyes up; and hating himself for the flash of hurt that caused to scrunch Shizuo's features. It was always like this, wasn't it? Izaya would reflectively try for his words to bite, to hurt, and then regret it in the end, whenever the recipient was the blond before him. Gods, what was wrong with him…
"I… like to think I wouldn't have killed you, in the end, but that's a lie." Shizuo mumbled, his fists clenching. "I hate that. I hate myself for being like this."
"Hate me for creating that situation in the first place, if you need to hate someone."
Hazel eyes flashing up to meet his, and again, that look. That confused, lost look that made Izaya think wearily whether he was truly such an enigma to the blond in front of him. There was something endearing, in a way, with how Shizuo would not understand, and yet stubbornly force his way through, step after step, never giving up. Dumb protozoan.
"Is that why you're not doing rehabilitation, then? Some kind of fucking punishment?"
…oh. Or he wasn't so dumb and simple after all. Really, this was why Izaya found himself so frustrated with Shizuo at times. He never said or did anything he thought he would.
"Don't flatter yourself. I…" Izaya started, only to yelp and raise the tray with the few last pieces of his ootoro defensively when Shizuo set his own down and knelt in front of him, resting his hands on his ankle and knee. What was happening? Izaya stared down, only to meet these infuriatingly stubborn hazel eyes looking back at him.
"You're doing rehabilitation." the protozoan spoke. Izaya didn't dignify that with an answer. "Lucky for you, I spent like… half of my life at a hospital doing exactly it, so I'm gonna help. And you're gonna walk again."
"…you have got to be kidding me."
Bunokura Town, September 2016
Evening
Shizuo ended up not kidding him, in the end.
The blond didn't know whether it was frustration at the slow pace their communication was happening at, or simply him being tired of overthinking this. He knew how to act; his whole life, relying on his instincts was what he did, and thinking for too long about whether he should or should not do something only caused him to waver. Shizuo knew he was simple, but there was a method in that simplicity that would argue otherwise. He knew what he wanted, what was right and wrong. And as long as he controlled himself, he always saw a straight path of action.
Izaya was different, of course. As the blond made him sit back and set down his food, and then picked him up and laid him on the bed, to the raven's annoyance, it was obvious Izaya didn't know what to do. He was thinking; Shizuo could almost see gears turning in his head, trying to navigate the situation they were in. He, himself shrugged it of as a situation, and got to work.
Admittedly, helping someone with moving after a trauma was different from having someone do that for him, but Shizuo was careful and surprisingly gentle. He felt when it hurt or was too much; not like he could depend on Izaya telling him, the other was way too proud to show any sign of pain; and after a while, they developed some sort of a rhythm. Izaya's leg rising; stretching; holding; resting. And again, with the other one. And again.
Shizuo wasn't expecting fireworks. He knew rehabilitation was a lengthy process. Still, he was going to help, and was happy with every little bit of movement Izaya did on his own. Finally, after some time had passed, the raven pushed his hands away, looking to the side.
"…that's enough for today, don't you think? If you've had enough of tormenting me…"
"…helping you, you mean."
"Making me feel weak and at your mercy is helping now? I need to update my dictionary. Same kind of help like when you tried to murder me?"
Ah, that stung again; it really did. Shizuo pursed his lips, but took it. He deserved it, he supposed. After all, what Izaya said was the truth. He took a few breaths before calming down and talking again, sitting back on the chair he did at the start.
"…I can't change the past, Izaya. And neither can you. Whether I hate myself for what I did and try to help to repent, won't change it. And whether you try to repent by living in pain won't change it, either. But don't you think working on leaving the pain and self-hatred in the past where it belongs works better for both of us than this… this stupid fucking back-and-forth does?"
Shizuo shook his head, ignoring Izaya's expression. He couldn't even begin to think of what it meant, anyway.
"I wanna help. I want to get you walking again. And I want to find out why is it that you were ready to give your life for me being accepted. And you can tell me it's not my business or that you won't tell me, or that it'll never work… I don't care. I'm going to come back and bang my head on that freakin wall you created between us until it gives way, anyway. So what do you want?"
It went to show just how annoying to Izaya Shizuo truly was, for him to make the raven shut up for this long. He opened his mouth after a while, hesitated, and was about to close them again, when Shizuo spoke again.
"Say it. I just sat with you on your bed and waved your fucking legs for you, I think whatever you have to say isn't embarrassing enough to make a difference now."
Izaya laughed at that, covering his eyes with his arms.
"…were you always this well-spoken?"
"You doubt Tsugaru-san being well-spoke?"
"I doubt Tsugaru-san's ability to use Japanese language correctly." Izaya hummed, smile still lingering on his lips, his eyes still hidden. They were silent for a while more, still, tension raising between them. The words stumbled from Izaya's lips, as if they spilt before he could catch them.
"…stay."
"…what?"
"You asked me what I want. I want you to stay. Here, or… no, just with me. Help me, like you said you want to. Make that stupid back-and-forth go away. I…" Izaya bit his lip, tensing up. It was quite amazing to see, really – Izaya Orihara being honest.
"…if it just keeps on, it just makes it all hurt more. I hate being in an impasse."
"Okay." Shizuo nodded quietly, before biting his lip as he frowned. Everything – the request, the rare moment of being able to grasp a sight of genuine Izaya, it felt strange; but also strangely made sense. Hesitating only for a moment longer, Shizuo reached out his hand and took Izaya's, pulling his arm from over his eyes by it.
"…it's a deal, then. But you're gonna be a bit more straightforward with me."
Well, that seemed to make Izaya smile again.
"One big step at a time, Shizu-chan. One step at a time."