Chapter Thirteen: Falling into Imperfect Pieces
"She fell.
She thought, Hello, gravity, and tried to spread her arms so that it would catch her.
Hello, good-bye.
But the world did not fade completely."
"But she knew that life was fragile, and if her week failed, she knew how to shatter."
My pajamas were so comfortable that I considered not getting up early and not making breakfast. But the truth was that I was hungry and had to pee, so it wasn't really my choice at all. So practically falling out of bed, I groaned, my red shorts and socks hiding any scarring I might have, while my black with white stars long sleeve shirt hid my arms. The floor was soon greeted by my face and the blankets fell on top of me. I closed my eyes and then woke up moments later-at least I thought it was moments. Scared that I overslept I leapt off the floor and looked at my phone. It was only seven o'clock. I sigh as I untangle myself from my cocoon and throw the blankets on the bed.
I go out my door and can hear soft snores coming from the boy's room. I'll have to wake them up around eight so they can shower. But for now, I pass through the apartment, stopping quickly to go to the bathroom. I move like a ghost, checking Suoh who is asleep on the couch in his blue boxers. It's a good thing I'm not scandalized by his bare body. He strips after he falls asleep—another weird thing that accompanies the man's personality. I get the blanket he threw off, probably having gotten hot, and place it back on him. Going into the kitchen, I make a pot of coffee with some grounds Suoh left for himself when he comes.
I yawn once again. What time did we go to bed? I think it was two when I finally convinced Hinata and Kageyama to let their draw go. They kept trying to beat one another and we all knew that they both died from the computer generated players. But they had to keep trying. I rub my eyes as I get a glass of water and take out my pills. As I swallow them down, I hear movement. It's probably one of the boys; Suoh always has to be woken up.
I go about my business of taking out pancake batter and an electric Belgian waffle maker when I realize the boy might be wondering if they could shower. Oh well, they can just check in with me. I start to take out other breakfast items—sausage and eggs and milk—when I hear a person breathing behind me. I turn around quietly as I crack and egg into the bowl and find a sleepy beanstalk. His hair is a mess unlike my only slightly messy bun and his eyes squint with the sunlight from the kitchen window.
"You want waffles or pancakes?" I whisper, the morning still too new for heavy words. The apartment has an orange glow to it and Tsukki merely looks at me sleepily. "You want coffee? I'm making a pot."
"Why are you so perky?" the boy asks bluntly as he goes and sits at the dining room table a few feet away. He looks at the couch's resident and cringes. Suoh must have kicked the blanket off again.
"What's the use in being a grouch?" I ask quietly and he gives me a glare.
"But you're grumpy when you don't get enough sleep," he argues childishly and I nod. Going to heat random pans on the electric stove, I can see how he's right. I am grumpy when I'm sleep deprived.
"I like mornings," I tell him happily and he gives a weird giggle. Mornings mean I lived another day. I watch the boy as he stretches out on the chair, uncharacteristically animated with me. His long fingers rub his eyes under his glasses and I finally notice his pajama bottoms. The shirt was merely a white long sleeved top but his pants were blue with bright green comets. "What's with your pants?"
"I like them," he mutters and then laughs quietly. But the laugh was strange—like a delusional kind of laugh. "How do you think the dinosaurs died?"
"Is this rhetorical?" I ask as I realize the boy isn't technically awake yet. He's just dream talking. When I add mix and milk to the bowl of batter, I can see him shake his head. I sigh and decide he's kinda funny half asleep. "I guess they got hit by a comet?"
"Yes and do you know the best dinosaur?" he asks, an impish undertone in his sleepy voice.
"The raptors?" I ask, throwing out the only dinosaur I can say in Japanese. The boy shakes his head.
"The brachiosaurus is the coolest one," he says and I don't even know if I understood which dinosaur it really was.
He puts his hands in the air as sunlight showed dust floating. He's really half asleep. The house is so quiet as I go about the kitchen. Even though I know I'm not alone and there's a body right in front of me, it's still silent. I like this kind of silence. It's comforting to know there is someone with me but at the same time, I don't have to necessarily speak. The voices are rising up though, and the coded messages try to be transmitted. I listen to silence, pushing them down to the darkness, and look to my sleepy companion.
"Tsukki do you want coffee?" I ask a second time. The boy merely tries to catch a particular speck and ignores me. "Kei, do you want coffee?"
The boy startles at his first name, looking at me with wide amber eyes. I hold a spatula and wait for him to decide. When I finally think he's going to speak up, he yawns largely. I sigh and decide to not waste coffee and will make him a cup of tea instead. But for that, I start the kettle and turn back to find him watching something intently. Turning to what it is, I find him staring at my cellphone I dropped on the table.
"Did that boy text you yet?" he asks dreamily and I sigh again. I shake my head as I start to beat eggs in another bowl. Tsukki merely continues with the conversation. "You like him don't you."
"Tsukki we've gone over this," I tell him. Bacon goes in a warm pan and starts to sizzle. "Besides, he goes to Date Tech and they're in our prefecture for volleyball."
"But that doesn't mean he doesn't like you or you don't like him," he childishly squabbles and I gather silverware from the dishwasher to put on the table.
"I can't like him," I say quickly. Going to the boy at the table he has a shit-eating grin. "I don't like him."
"You're in denial," he chimes and I smack the side of his head.
"Go wash your face and wake up the other boys. I'll get Suoh," I chide and he groans as he gets up.
"You're mean," he whines as I shake my head at him.
I slap his arm as he moves like a snail to his room. He glares again-it not really that intimidating with his dopey expression-and I move to wake up my doctor. The man is sprawled out and you can see his body clearly in the morning light. His skin is ivory without a blemish in sight while he has a small amount of muscle. One time he freaked out when I told him he had a mole on his back. He takes very good care of his skin to look as pretty as he does.
"Suoh," I call and the man doesn't move. I sigh and then grab his shoulder. Shaking it gently, he starts to groan. "Suoh come on. I have coffee going and breakfast will be ready soon."
"Nuhhhghh," he lets out and I shake harder. The man then sets his long limbs onto me and they slap my arms. I grab them and pull him off the couch. He hits the floor with a loud thump but doesn't move.
"Suoh I'm going to go back to the kitchen. You wake up," I hiss, knowing he's only playing now. I go to walk away but he grabs my ankle, seemingly alive. His eyes open up and I watch as he moves my sock down to see my scars. He looks at them and I have half the mind to kick him in the face.
"Have you—"
"No," I interrupt with a tired voice. I'm tired of always being the girl who once hurt herself. Why can't I just be Katrina?
"Can I have coffee now?" he asks as a childish smile comes to his face.
I sigh and hear the other residents of the house bang out of their room. It appears to be Yamaguchi chasing Hinata and Kageyama. Yamaguchi has a deadly intent washing off him and his face screams murder. They chase each other around the couch twice until the freak duo hides behind me. Suoh meanwhile puts my sock back up and sits on his couch.
"What happened?" I ask as Yamaguchi looks at me with hooded eyes.
"They tried to cut my hair," he yells as he points to the cowlick that always stands up on his head. I look at the boys behind me and they give me guilty smiles.
"Well," I start and can see that Yamaguchi isn't going to let this go. "Don't break anything."
I step out of the brown haired boy's way and he charges. The other two scream and run. Shaking my head, I go to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of tea. Suoh comes and sits on the counter as he pours himself some coffee adding a lot of sugar. Tsukki emerges during the riot and I hand him a cup of tea. So the three of us merely observe the chase until it turns into a couch battle with small weak punches. For once in my life, I drank my morning tea with a smile on my face and other people. I have never had anyone awake when I first get up. I've always been alone in the morning, even when I was a child. Everything is falling into place.
"You guys have a practice match and you think I'm just going to let you guys get away without warming up?" I scream at the top of my lungs.
The boys are pissing me off. First they come in late on a Saturday practice and then the three second years—Ennoshita, Narita and Kinnoshita—get some weird Saturday detention. So I only have my starters and an extra setter, wing spiker and no ace. The large ace is super late and I don't know where that blondie market man is. I have already put on all my gear and am standing next to Kiyoko. My feet roll in my court shoes as I anticipate having to fill in some spot.
"Hitz-chan," Takeda calls from the door, followed by our new second coach. The man smells of cigarettes and gives a slight nod of acknowledgement to the boys; then he looks at me but when he sees me in kneepads and ankle braces, his eyes widen. I just glare lightly and raise one finger. Looking at my team, I blow a gasket.
"Tsukki I'm going to break your goddamn knees along with Yamaguchi's hands because you guys have yet to fix the corrections I give you every practice," I scream as I see them miss balls for the third time in a row. I march over to them and grab Tsukki's long arm. Pulling him down I get him into position but push him further to the floor. "I don't give a flying fuck if you're tall, you need to bend your knees!"
"Hitz-chan!" my teacher exclaims with my language. I give him a dirty look and he shudders. I go to Yamaguchi and put my arm out for his hands. He gives them to me with a scared smile.
"You're going to break your thumbs before I even get to them," I hiss as I fix the form slightly. Turning to Hinata, he flinches and gets into perfect position. "You're all too far in to be making rookie mistakes."
The boys all look down for a moment. Then I clap and walk over to our new coach. He watches me carefully and gives me a slight glare. Takeda-sensei and he are dressed in track suits, my teacher in his normal green—that I have yet to make a judgment on if I like the color—and the newcomer with one a dark red. I hear a tsk and know that Tsukki has had it. When I yell at him he always rebels. That always comes in a form of a 'wayward' spike. I turn quickly, watching as he jumps into the air on the other side of the court.
We make eye contact and he clenches his jaw as he swings his arm towards me. I hear the boys all breathe in as I take two steps forward and watch the boy spike. His hand makes a hard hit and I have to admit his spikes are best when he puts effort into them. Nishinoya watches as my hand brushes the floor, knowing a smile is on his face. The ball sails towards me and it's coming right for my face. Smirking darkly, I step back quickly and get under it in a flash. The ball is up and Tsukki cringes as I take two steps.
"What?" a voice breathes as I jump into the air.
It's not a very high jump but I have pinpoint accuracy as Tsukki gets down. He is all the way down but as my hand hits the ball and the slap echoes, we both know he's going to lose. The ball floats to him and hits him in the chest, deceiving him that it wasn't farther away. The boy grunts and I put my hands on my hips as I stand tall on the gym floor. I won.
"23 to 0. When will you learn Tsukki?" I chide and smile largely.
The gym is silent until I walk away from the boy who gives me a death glare. When I find myself in front of the two adults, both sides are astonished. I wait for the blonde to close his mouth and when he does it only opens to ask the forbidden question.
"Where did you learn to do that?" he gasps as he looks at the boys. I roll my eyes and turn to the boys.
"Huddle up!"
"Yes!" they chant and run to me. I get next to the new coach and Kiyoko is on my other side. She seems curious. The boys make a semicircle and I'm made aware I'm really short. When I'm sure I have their full attention, I slap the blonde's arm.
"This is our new coach," I start out and immediately get questions.
"Are you leaving?" Tanaka screams at me.
"You can't just leave us with some stupid guy," Nishinoya adds with ferocity.
"What are you doing?" Kageyama hisses at me and I can see his eyes scream betrayal.
I merely smile at them and wait for them to deflate. They are pissed at me. They really think that I'm going to leave them in the middle of the season. The idea is so funny, my voice chuckles. I start to feel the humor too and end up giggling alone in the circle. The boys stiffen with my large smile but stay quiet. I can hear the door of the gym creak and know that it's Asahi. He's trying to work up the nerve to come in. He can listen from out there.
"What I'm doing is filling the gap. You guys have only trained with defense, serves and game strategy. I needed someone who could teach you guys blocking and spiking," I speak calmly. They look at me with owlish eyes, surprised that I admit I need help.
"So you got the convenience store guy?" Hinata asks skeptically and I nod.
"This is actually Ukai's grandson. He was on the team when he was in high school. He knows some things that I wasn't trained on and he still plays, so he has experience," I tell them and they look at the man doubtfully.
"But that doesn't mean he's good," Tsukki scoffs and I glare.
"Don't be rude," I scold and the boy smirks. I roll my eyes and then huff. "You guys are going to have to get used to him. He's not going anywhere."
"I'm only here until we play Nekoma," the man interrupts and I pinch him lightly. He jumps and bats at my hand.
"He's not going anywhere for another month. So play nice," I tilt my head at the man and he looks down at me with a angry frown. "We are very easygoing with our practices but there are some things that we don't do. What are the three rules we have here?"
"Don't ask why Katrina doesn't play," Daichi says, arms across his chest. He doesn't like how I never told him I was getting another coach.
"If Katrina doesn't want to talk about it, we don't talk about it," Yamaguchi says with a reassuring smile. I nod and then wait for the third.
"Don't go asking or digging into Katrina's past," Sugawara adds with a happy tone. He smiles at me, the only one who actually understands me.
"But," the new coach starts and all the boys shake their heads.
"No buts. These are the three rules and if you can't listen to them, then we don't need you," Daichi says strongly, scaring the man with how protective they are of me. There is a silence where all the boys stare the new coach down while he just looks at them and then me quietly. I give a sheepish smile and nod to the boys.
"So," I chime in after the boys threaten the new coach. The man looks at me carefully. "Where is your team?"
"I only have a couple of guys coming. It was short notice," he tells me and I nod. I step back to look at the gym door.
"Asahi are you ever going to come in?" I yell, scaring everyone in the gym. They look at me like I'm crazy but when the large ace enters the gym, they flock to him. I stand watching him and Nishinoya exchange embarrassed and awkward conversation—well only Asahi is embarrassed and awkward.
"Is there anything else I have to know?" Ukai asks in a blunt tone and I shrug.
"You'll learn as we go on. When your guys get here, I'll be on their team with one of our setters. You can watch," I instruct and he frowns.
"I thought you said you don't play because you got hurt."
"No," I murmur softly. "I said I got sick. I can play but I can't compete. This is as much as I can do and even at that, it makes me too tired."
The man looks away, confused and sad. He pities me and I don't like it. Kiyoko who hasn't left my side, lays a hand on my shoulder. She knows things that the boys don't but she doesn't push me to tell her how or why I say the things I do. She just stays with me and waits for me to be ready. She is a good friend. I place my hand on top of hers and give her a bright smile. She blushes and we look back to the boys as four men walk in the door.
Looking at my options, I can have Yamaguchi do the front row for the neighborhood association and I can manage the back as libero. Nishinoya can stay as libero for the starters and switch out for Tsukki and Hinata. It'll be good because I doubt my stamina is up all the way to play an entire match and I can see how I can set them up when we get into a tournament. The men come to their friend, Ukai stiffening next to me slightly. I step in front of him and bow lowly to the four newcomers.
"I really appreciate you coming out to play in the match. If there is anything you ever need help with, count on my team's support," I say as my ponytail comes forward. The four men put their hands up to deflect my low bow. Even Ukai is spazzing out. They didn't expect me to be polite.
"It's not a big deal. We like playing," the glasses wearing man says in haste. I rise and give a bright smile.
"It is a big deal and my thanks does not go out lightly," I reply while I feel the captain come to my back. He stands behind me and places a hand on my shoulder.
"We really do appreciate it. I am Daichi Sawamura, the captain and this is Katrina Hitz, our coach," he introduces for me. Takeda stands a small distance away and smiles at us proudly. I smile until the new blonde man in front of us gives me wondrous eyes.
"Germany's Katrina Hitz?" he asks excitedly and I stiffen. My heart goes into my throat and I shake my head lightly. The man doesn't notice my fear and goes on. "You were the best—"
"That is irrelevant," Takeda-sensei interrupts and I feel faint.
I don't want to hear about who I was. Daichi rubs my arm and shakes his head. But the voices start up. You were good before and now you are nothing. You are ugly you whore. There is no way that these boys trust you. They only use you. But they are watching. We need to leave. The danger is real. Go home and let the poison out of our veins. They are killing us with pills. We must flush them from our blood.
"We don't talk about that here. Please stretch so we can start. Thank you again for coming," our captain says through clenched teeth. I glance back at him and he gives them a scary look. Our guests look at me strangely, but I pat Daichi to let him know he can go. Kiyoko goes to get the scoreboard and I stand in front of the men in silence. The blonde gives me a curious look and I sigh as I scratch my arm through my compression sleeve. The scars itch.
"I'm not that Katrina anymore. Please don't talk about what I was," I whisper.
The men must hear how scared I sound because they stiffen. I just want them to not ask about it. The voices rage on but don't silence. Their eyes nearly have tears. Frowning, the mumbles invade my brain and nearly deafen me. I have another hour until I can take my pills though. Maybe I shouldn't play. I need to play though. But then again, the voices may not allow me to play. I have to push them down; they can't be here today.
"Hitz-chan?" a soft voice asks and I know I'm scaring them. I sniff and feel the tears on my cheeks. I started crying when I tried to push the voices down. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I feel the warm water continue to run from my eyes. Ukai is scared. His face looks at me and all the men don't seem to know what to do.
"I'm sorry. I'll stop," I murmur and try to walk away.
My body trembles and I force my legs to move. The boys haven't noticed my meltdown and the voices keep screaming at me; their voices now swallowing my entire existence. My head feels too full. Why are they so bad? Was it because I didn't get enough sleep? That's probably it—I'm too tired to put up my mental barriers. Soon enough I find myself in the storage room. Biting my lip, I kneel into a ball at the dusty corner of the room and hide in the darkness.
We are being watched. No we aren't. They will find us and we will be seen for what we are. We are nothing. No one could ever want us. You can't be happy. If we are happy then they will get us. There is no one; no one is watching. Yes they are! Go home and open the skin to release the poison. We need to see blood!
"Hitz-chan? I'm sorry that Takinoue asked you about your past," comes a gruff voice. I rock back and forth trying my hardest to make them go down. Why do all these people know who I am? "Hitz-chan?"
A person is behind me and I tremble. My breath catches and I bite my lip even harder, the metallic taste of blood invading my mouth. They aren't going down. Why aren't they going down? The trial has gone too long. The medicine isn't working. That's why Suoh needs me to switch. They need to mix the dose before I get too immune. I hadn't noticed it but they've been getting louder and louder this week. Even with Aone and talking to Ukai the first time, they were loud.
Suddenly a person is in front of me and hands go to my face. I shake my head and try to calm down. It's not working though. I'm getting hysterical and can no longer breathe; if I give in, this wouldn't hurt as much, but since I'm fighting, it's hell on earth. The hands pick up my head and force me to look at brown eyes. Ukai is concerned and he observes my wet eyes to my bloody lip to my running nose. He opens his mouth and I know what he's going to ask.
"They're not going away," I gasp when more blood is tasted. "I'm too hysterical to get them to go away."
"Get what to go away?" he whispers and I shake my head. "What do you need me to do?"
"I don't know. I'm always alone when this happens. I'm always alone and they just go away after a while," I confess and raise my arms to wipe my face again. The man bites his lip with hesitance but the voices don't hesitate. I choke out reassurance to the scared man in front of me. "I'm sorry. They'll stop eventually."
"What are they?" he asks and I keep myself from going into full blown out hysteria. The man lifts his hands and looks like he's going to put them around me but hesitates again. "I'll get someone."
"No," I scream softly, my voice cracking. The voices scream at me more and more. The man in front of me stops and then looks at me in confusion. "Just leave me here. They'll stop. I promise."
"I have to get someone," he argues with a firm tone and I shake my head. But the argument ceases with Sugawara coming in the door. Ukai goes to the boy quickly.
"Katrina! Daichi is worried you're having a secret meeting," the boy laughs out.
His smile falls when he sees my body crouched in the corner. He hurries to me and the silver haired boy lowers himself to the floor. His fingers quickly wipe tears from my cheeks and I resume biting my lip, feeling the blood run down my chin. He looks to the side and grabs a clean towel that I put on the shelf for emergencies and wipes the red liquid from my skin. The voices go down two levels with the calm touches of the third year.
But they remain screaming at me. They start on with my volleyball skills next. You aren't good anymore. The scars show that you can never play. You should have never come back to this gym. It's too dangerous and they are watching. You shouldn't have tried to be what you were. You can never be that Katrina ever again. Just stop!
"She was talking about something not stopping," Ukai says in haste, not wanting to be seen as a guilty man. Sugawara gathers me in his arms and I wrap mine around him. He rocks me back and forth and the voices sink further down.
"It's okay. You're fine. I'm here," Sugawara whispers in my ear, acting like a parent consoling a child. I grip his sweater and rub my wet face on his shoulder. "We'll make them go away. You're safe. I'm here."
"I'll leave you guys," Ukai announces trying to make an exit but Sugawara shakes his head. He holds me tighter and rubs my back.
"You can't go back out. The others don't know about her panic attacks. She doesn't want to worry them," Sugawara articulates. The boy thinks I have panic attacks and that's what you could call them. They're extreme moments of terror and panic because of my mental battle with the voices. "They're normally triggered by her past. That's why we have the rules. She hasn't had one caused by us for almost three weeks."
"Oh," is the only response and my face feels dry.
My hands and body no longer tremble. I feel better with the motherly third year. The other person in the room shifts his body weight and waits. The voices lower and become a dull ache in the back of my brain. I inhale deeply, taking in the scent of detergent and softener in Sugawara's sweater. I think this is how it feels to cry in your mother's arms. I haven't felt this since I was a toddler. I can't remember the feeling.
"Thank you," I sniff.
I release the boy in front of me and he holds me away from my body. He takes the towel and wipes the hidden tears and blood. Then he takes a first aid kit and shakes an ice pack, activating it. He places the cold bag on my eyes and then my lip. The cold infiltrates my bones and I feel the puffiness of my skin go away. Sugawara thinks of everything.
"There you go. What triggered it this time?" the boy asks, eyes filled with concern.
"Takinoue didn't know the rules," Ukai interrupts as both of us stand. I don't make eye contact with the new coach, ashamed by my actions. I've been getting worse and worse this week. I should start the new medication tomorrow.
"Well, let them know the rules. If they can't follow them, they can leave," Sugawara says darkly and I twiddle my thumbs. I'm a terrible person.
"I'm sorry," I apologize but the third year comes in front of me. He holds my chin up and forces me to look at him. Gently blotting my skin with the ice pack, he smiles at me. God, I'm such a pain. They shouldn't have a wreck for a coach; I should give the torch to Ukai and let them get rid of this burden.
"You are not a nuisance if that's what you're thinking. Everyone on the team would never want another coach. You're perfect the way you are," he assures and I nod slowly. For once, I believe his words. But I know the voices will tell me otherwise when they get the chance. I hate myself so much.
"You deserve better," I say softly. The boy shakes his head but I put my hand on his while the ice pack is pushed against my cheek. "You guys really do. But I'm happy that I have you guys, even if it's selfish of me."
"Come on," Sugawara breathes out, tears gathering in his eyes. He hugs me one last time, pulling me close. "We would never have anyone else but you because you're the best coach ever."
The voices always cause me to break so easily. I hate them so much. I'm selfish for relying on the boys to help me. I hate always having to be saved. They deserve so much better and I should let them go but I'm scared of being alone. But Suga says that they want me. I smile a small smile, realizing that's all I ever wanted: someone to want me for me. And in the back of my mind I know there is someone else who might be willing to want me for me. Things are falling into place even if the progression is like watching paint dry: dull and irritatingly slow.
"Great," Ukai mutters as I regain myself. I can hear him groan and I let go of the third year. "You're going to be the favorite coach and I'm nothing but chopped liver."
"Don't think like that," I tell Ukai, walking out towards the exit. My voice goes into a teasing tone and Suga laughs at my next joke. "Not everyone can be awesome."
"Okay that was…"
Ukai has just witnessed my freak duo's murder spike and he is stunned. Takeda is gloating behind him and I fold my hands as Yamaguchi looks at me with a guilty look. He tried to block but he was too late; not his fault considering how I haven't trained him. I wave him off and he nods in understanding. But my other two first years are shining at me and I give them a blinding smile.
"Good job boys, let's keep it up," I yell to them. The boys have a three point lead but it's only 6-3. Looking at Ukai, his mouth is still open and I gently push it shut. "I think the word you're looking for is awesome."
"How did they…"
The man then looks at me closely. I merely exchange a cocky smile and shrug. Serves him right for not believing me. He looks back to my boys as Hinata goes to serve. I'm going to go in after Yamaguchi serves. I set up the team as I would put them in a real game. When my godly duo is at the front, giving Kageyama the option to dump if he chooses, my ace is in the back. Our ace sets off my lazy beanstalk. Daichi works with his ace and Tanaka adds a punch with the ultimate decoy.
"You see how their blocking is always late. I can never articulate when they should jump to get their efficiency up. I've read about block reading and then ball reading but I don't have enough time to get myself acclimated to the jumps myself let alone instruct," I mutter to the other coach, watching Hinata barely get a ball over the net.
The blonde nods his head and I watch the neighborhood association receive. Suga looks at his options as he sets and he tosses to the blonde who knew me—Takinoue if I remember correctly. The blonde pummels it into Hinata, who is back row since he served. The ginger doesn't get it up and we get the point. Yamaguchi is given the ball but walks to me.
"You can serve Katrina," he smiles and I shake my head. He merely pushes the ball into my hands and stands next to the new coach. "I still have to practice. Besides I think everyone would want to see your serve."
"Uggghh," I sigh and squeeze the ball hard. "Alright but next serve is yours. You have to practice the float. It's subpar right now."
"Gosh Katrina," Yamaguchi laughs as I walk away. I turn back and find him giving me a silly smile. "You really are truthful."
I roll my eyes and give him an embarrassed smile. I bounce the ball a couple of times as I make my way to the court. My team goes extremely silent as Nishinoya takes the back row. He smiles at me and brushes his hands on the ground. Tanaka looks at me from his place next to the libero and I know the two second years are going to start their contest.
"Noya, you better be ready," Tanaka announces and the guests turn and give me curious eyes.
"Oh he has to be more than just ready!" I yell in a joking tone as I position myself. My feet feel light as Nishinoya laughs.
"Bring it Katrina, this will be the tie breaker," he announces.
"You know I'm leading, you little liar!" I laugh and Kiyoko blows the whistle, startling us.
I nod and pound on the ball. The gym goes dead silent as I throw the ball into the air. It floats and I take two steps. The ball descends and I pick the spot where it will hit. That spot will make it spin and fall straight down instead of a float. Nishinoya is expecting a float to start it off. My feet spring my body off the ground and I swing my arm.
The slap could be heard around the world and my hand stings. Following through with the swing, the ball floats slightly but starts the rotation a moment later. I hear an intake of air as the ball is over the net. Nishinoya dives but with the rotation, it hits his arms wrong. It's dead quiet until a large groan is let out.
"Fuck, I was so close!" Nishinoya swears, causing Takeda to give him a harsh look.
"That was amazing," the glasses guest says as he turns to me. "It wasn't a float but it still was powerful without being easily anticipated."
"You like it?" I ask, grabbing my ponytail. The man looks at me like I'm a trophy and nods over and over. "I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your name."
"Oh, sorry," he blushes and comes to me. Extending his hand, he gives me a shy smile. "I'm Makoto Shimada."
"Well nice to meet you and thank you."
The man squeezes my hand one last time and this is my turn to blush. He's very nice. I take my hand back quickly and catch the ball thrown to me by Yamaguchi. The boy gives me a look that is teasing and I know it's because someone else besides the team complimented my skills. I go back to the line and serve two more times, both service aces. The next one Nishinoya gets up and Tsukki spikes it to anyone but me. The score is now tied. Kageyama is the one to serve and he looks at me with a devilish smile and I ready myself with an equal grin. Everything is falling into place.
"You don't lie do you?" Ukai asks me quietly and I nod as the moon shines upon us.
The day is over and my boys lost to the Neighborhood association. It wasn't really a fair fight because they had me but we won by the skin of our teeth. I made sure that the boys realize that Ukai isn't going anywhere. I can also see the veteran's restlessness of Suga giving the torch to Kageyama. The first years don't see anything different but the others can see the pain in the third year's eyes. It's his last year and he isn't on the court with the team.
Then I have to deal with Tsukki still not having motivation. Yamaguchi doubts himself and I made him serve after that first time. That Shimada had a serve like how I thought I could get Yama to do, but Yamaguchi doesn't have it yet. I have half the mind to hand the kid over to Shimada and keep up the back row attacks for myself. Yamaguchi right now is a middle blocker but I'm gonna switch him to wing spiker. Down the road, he's going to be the pillar of the team.
Talking about pillar of the team, our ace need so much reassurance that I have hardly any more enthusiasm for anyone else. It doesn't help that he's so out of shape. Then he and Kageyama have to get really in tune with one another. I mean my small genius can do anything easily but Asahi is used to Sugawara. I have to find a way to make a second string with the other second years and have Suga at the core. Maybe I can have Ennoshita specialize in something but I want our setters to be adaptable.
"Do you think I can have a double setter setup?" I muse.
The tea in my hands is hot through the paper cup. We're sitting outside the convenience store, the stars twinkling. I snuck out of my house after the boys walked me home. My mind was too restless to be by myself and I need to talk to this new coworker of mine. Lord only knows what he thought about the boys since he ran off to make his shift here. But for once I'm glad that the small market was only five minutes away from my apartment.
"You could, but why would you when you have a genius setter?" he replies as he takes a sip of his coffee.
"Because I can't stand seeing Sugawara's eyes so defeated," I sigh. My hand rubs my eyes and I stare at the moon.
"You care about those boys a lot—more than any coach I've ever seen," he says. I glance to my side and know that he's wondering just why I care.
"I need them more than they need me," I let out.
The voices are coming out more and more because I've been on the trial for too long with the same dose amount. The medication can't be my godsend forever and I'm going to have a tough two weeks. The medication that Suoh left me are antipsychotics and they just cover up my whole mind. I'm scared of feeling that blanket of grogginess.
They're harsher than just antidepressants but I doubt that those will have any affect on me when the stress of life and my mind is too active. So they're going to have to put me on the meds that will not allow myself to tear me apart. But this is all at a price. Last time I got put on them, I stopped the medication and got put in a ward. What if this time, I do something even worse?
"How did you get sick?"
I sigh and take a sip of my leaf juice. Playing with the sleeve of my cardigan, I realize that I have to have someone on my side. I need someone to know about me so if I disappear, they can reassure the boys I didn't abandon them. But the blonde man next to me doesn't seem like the one I want to tell. He's pushing me too soon and as much as I need to breathe out my secrets, he scares me too much. The man isn't right. No one really is, but that's because I am scared of even myself.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say, invoking my second rule.
The man says nothing and the night is quiet. There's so much that could go wrong. There's so much that is destroying me: my mind, my medication, my psycho past. My psycho past and my psycho coach are two really big problems. Gilbert could be out there, waiting, just watching us. But somehow, I don't care about him. He doesn't scare me when my mind is already going to wreck my life.
"I don't know why I agreed to coach with you. I can't lead the team," the man confesses. It seems like the night is making us listen to our own hearts and realize our fears.
"I suppose deep down you feel a moral obligation to help them. That and maybe you miss being on a team," I say and the man huffs. "What?"
"How did you know I didn't play in high school?"
I turn to him and he gives me a sour look. He smells of tobacco and his sour face screams he doesn't like me. He feels pity about my sickness. He feels angry that I know so much about him and remind him of his incompetence. He feels scared because he can't deal with my attacks. But most of all I think he feels confused about everything. And all of this makes him dislike me.
"I have watched too many videos to not know everything. The only ones I haven't gotten to are Nekoma, because those haven't come in, and Date Tech," I reassure and the man nods once. He takes a sip of his coffee and then reaches into his pocket. He takes out a cigarette and then a lighter. I quickly rip the stick from his hand and toss it a couple of feet away. He hisses at me and I steal the lighter from his grip. The man tries to take the lighter back but I hit his arm.
"Give it," he whines and I shake my head.
"No smoking when I'm here. You should really quit," I chide and the man moans. He sits back and crosses his arms. There is silence for a bit while I play with the shiny lighter in my hand. I open it and start the flame. It's mesmerizing. I remember watching the flame for hours on end in Switzerland. That and my arms would sting with open wounds. The feeling is nostalgic.
"So you've got stats on every team in our prefecture," he half says and asks, breaking the memories. I tilt my head back and forth, bringing my hand over the flame.
"Yah, everyone but Date Tech," I reply.
My heart sinks with my own words. I'm going to have to watch them eventually. And that means that I will have the knowledge of how to beat Aone. Aone will hate me after that. No matter if he says that he will be here when I'm ready, he won't be there after we beat him. My hand is too hot and I take it from the flame.
"What's with Date Tech?"
"Eh?"
"You keep saying Date Tech with some sad voice," he says strongly. "So what is it with Date Tech?"
"I—"
"Don't you dare! You can't keep me in the dark with everything. You have to tell people things even if you don't want to," he yells into the darkness.
I bite my lip and put my finger over the flame. My skin burns hot with the fire. This man is going to make me tell him everything and it's just tiring. But it's true that I can't keep him in the dark about this. This does affect him and he has to be able to lead the boys if I can't do it. If I can't beat Aone myself, he has to beat him for me.
"There's this boy," I whisper and the man stiffens. Then he does something that surprises me. He starts laughing. I turn red and slam the lighter shut.
"You have a boyfriend from another team!" He roars and I glare at the man.
"He's not my boyfriend," I argue and he somehow manages to laugh harder. His hand pounds on his knee and I pout.
"You like him though. You're sleeping with the enemy!"
"I am not sleeping with anyone," I gasp and hit the man in the arm. He doesn't stop his laughter and I stand up. As he pounds his leg, I throw the lighter into his chest. He's pissing me off. I raise my foot to kick the shit out of him but he puts his hands up in haste.
"I'm sorry! Katrina, I was kidding about the sleeping part. It's just a saying," he screams. I frown at him and lower my foot.
"He's just a friend," I assure as I start to pace. But we want him to be more than that don't we, my voice laughs haughtily. I try to stop the laughter but it just keeps ringing in my brain. "Aone sees me only as a friend."
"Wow, no honorifics," Ukai chuckles. "Seems pretty serious."
"We aren't serious," I hiss but then the word brings the image of the boy in my mind. Chocolate brown eyes stare back at me in my imagination and I feel my face burn in the cool air. "I mean, he's a serious person but we're not like that. He's serious and I'm not, not relationship serious, like smile and personality serious. Not that he isn't kind or is a stick in my mud. He's just, yah, serious."
"Wow," the blonde teases and I just lower myself to the ground.
"I know," I breathe out. "I'm in a bit of a pickle."
"That idiom doesn't translate over very well but yah, you are," he replies and has somehow lighted a cigarette. He lets the cancerous smoke into the air and smirks at me. "Now I know why you need me. You can't bring yourself to spoil your chances with him. You would let your team fail if you didn't have me."
"Don't you dare say that!" I yell quickly. The man flinches and frowns. "I will walk in hell before I let my boys be led by me if I wasn't willing to beat everyone."
There is a tense silence that falls over us. I pull my legs into my chest and wonder how it got to be nine o'clock at night and I'm sitting on the side of the street with a dude much older than me as he decides to kill himself with smoke. What's even scarier is that we are talking about a boy that I shouldn't even know outside of stats in my notebook. But somehow even if this is the strangest thing that has happened in a long time, it doesn't feel exactly wrong.
"Well, from what I've seen of your 'boys' is that you can take them to the top. But you do need me," he murmurs as more smoke fills the air.
"I need them to win, even if it's for my sanity," I whisper to the stars, making wishes from my confused heart.
Because I know it's true. These boys are the only things that are holding me together. I wouldn't be happy or have friends or feel safe if I didn't have them. And they need me to give them the chance. That's all Daichi asked for when he asked me to coach them: just give them a chance. Well, I'm giving them a chance and everything is falling apart and together. My life is a mess. I'm literally falling into imperfect pieces.
I thank everyone who reviews! And thank you to the last reviewer who left me such a great paragraph! You would never believe how helpful and reassuring it is to hear that I'm not butchering creative writing. Thank god for you guys! Please keep up the reviews if you have a chance, really appreciate it. I'm hoping that the next chapters will go on and that Katrina won't fall to pieces. Thank you so much again!
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