Disclaimer: I do not own CSI.
AN: After stumbling across some spoilers, I'm not sure if I'm going to have the miniature killer in this. It could potentially make things difficult.
"Why?"
"Amy-"
"No, Sara. Tell me why you did this to yourself. Tell me what the hell you were thinking when you did this! Actually, no- you obviously weren't thinking, so I guess you can't answer that. What the hell was running through your head?"
"I just wanted it all to go away! I was sick of everything, and I just couldn't take it anymore!"
"Well great. That explains why you tried to kill yourself, but it doesn't explain why you were cutting your arms and legs to pieces!"
"I'm used to pain! It's the only constant I have!"
"No, it isn't! You have me, you idiot! You have me, and that's never going to change! I'm always going to be there for you no matter what! Nothing's going to change that, Sara! I care about you too damn much to ever abandon you!"
"Sara? Sara, are you okay?"
Catherine? What's Catherine doing in my hospital roo- damn it. I fell asleep in the break room. Again. Wonderful. I guess my falling asleep at inopportune times hasn't gone away. Just great. If someone besides Catherine kept on finding me, I'd probably feel slightly less disgusted with myself. As it is… I hate feeling vulnerable around her.
I open my eyes and look up at Catherine. I blink a few times to get a clearer picture of her. She's standing above me looking concerned. She almost looks like an angel with the light above her head.
"Uh, hey Catherine." I almost say 'what's up' in my effort to act nonchalant, but I bite my tongue in time to cut off the statement. That's something Greg would say. Not me. If I say something like that, Catherine will definitely know something's up. I don't think I can handle her interrogating me. She can be scary when her maternal instincts kick in.
"That was some nightmare."
Fuck. I better not have been talking in my sleep. She's still here… I guess not. I can't imagine anyone sticking around if they heard… She must not have heard anything. It was probably just incoherent mumbling and sweating. Not that that's great, either. But it's better than her hearing… all of that. She's still here.
"I stayed, didn't I?"
It's a miracle that Amy stuck around after that conversation. The thought of someone besides her caring enough to stay is ridiculous. Riley didn't really have a choice in staying. We share our demons too closely to be put off by each other. I don't count him. Maybe I should, but I don't.
"Yeah… uh, you didn't happen to hear anything, did you?" I don't want to ask. I really don't. But I can't help myself. I need to know if she heard anything. She clearly didn't hear it all, but she's a CSI. She could put the pieces together if she wanted to, depending on what she heard. And then I'd lose a friend. I don't want that to happen.
"I didn't hear anything, I promise. You were just looking extremely distressed. Sara… do you want to tell me what's going on with you?"
The question- as well as the concerned look in her eyes- catches me off guard. She's giving me a choice about talking to her. I'm not used to being given a choice. Even with Grissom, it was always, 'I want to know'. He never demanded me to tell him anything, but he didn't give me a choice, either. Catherine giving me the option of staying quiet… it's refreshing.
"No." Catherine tries to hide her flinch, but I still see it. I didn't mean to hurt her. I was just trying to answer her question. "Sorry. It's just- I really don't want to talk about it. I didn't mean to sound like such a jerk about it, that's just how it came out. Sorry." I look down at my hands and wait for her to say something.
"Don't worry about it." She shifts her stance so that her right leg is supporting most of her weight. "Look, I know you don't want to talk about it right now, but if you change your mind, feel free to call me or drive by my house." I look up to meet her eyes only to find her avoiding my gaze. A light blush is decorating her cheeks.
I appreciate the offer, but I don't think I'll be taking her up on it any time soon. I can't even talk to Riley about what's running through my head. I probably should- he'll want to get back to Jacob as quickly as possible- but I can't. Maybe in a few more months… not now. Of course not. Not when he's less than a hundred yards away from me. What sense does that make?
"Thanks for the offer, Cath, but I don't think I can really talk about this. Not any time soon, at least. It's… it's a bit complicated."
"Things always are with you."
"Okay." She sits down next to me on the couch and picks up a magazine. I guess we're done talking. Weird. Usually people want to get far away from me after they're done talking to me. It's actually a bit uncomfortable. My nervousness is making my entire body heat up, and I'm conscious of every millimeter separating us; grateful for each one.
I look over at the doorway and smile sadly when I see Riley blocking the entryway. He's lost his neglected puppy look; now he just looks exhausted. He smiles when he notices me staring, though, and takes a few more steps into the room.
"I think I'm about ready to go, Sar." I nod and try not to jump up from the couch. I don't want Catherine to see how on edge I am around her. I don't want to her to think that I can't stand being so close to her. That's sort of the truth, I suppose, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
After standing up slower than really makes sense, I meet Catherine's eyes to say my goodbye. But she's staring at Riley. She doesn't look too happy that he's in the room for some reason. There's a small frown on her face. She doesn't know who he is, so I don't know what the problem is.
"Aren't CSIs supposed to be observant?"
"Catherine, this is Riley Mitchell- Ruth's younger brother." I can't help the shudder that runs through me as I say that. Calling him Ruth's brother sounds wrong. I have never introduced him like that. I've never wanted to. There's a bitter taste in my mouth now. "Riley, this is CSI Catherine Willows- a friend." That also sounds awkward, but not in the same way. It feels like I should say more than that she's my friend. But I don't know what else there is to add, so I shut up.
Catherine nods her greeting and smiles awkwardly. Riley just mumbles an unenthusiastic 'hey'. I don't think either of them is in the mood for talking. I should probably take Riley back to my apartment and make sure he isn't going to have a panic attack on me.
"See ya', Catherine." I take Riley's forearm in my hand and practically drag him out of the break room. I really don't feel comfortable with the two of them near each other for some reason. Maybe I'm just cracking.
"You're driving," Riley whispers. I start, but still manage to catch the keys he tosses at my head.
Wonderful. He must be really out of it if he's letting me drive. I sigh and pocket the keys, moving my other arm to its normal spot around his shoulders. It's going to be a quiet trip.