SCENE TWELVE: Those Are Anteaters, Cedric
(Harry is walking down the hall. At the sight of him, students laugh, scream, projectile-vomit, throw knives, go into fits of convulsion, and/or hurl themselves out of seventh-story windows.)
Harry: Hi, lovely day isn't it?
Random kid: (Bob) EW, YOU STINK, POTTER!
Random kid 2: (Steve) POTTER, YOU STINK!
Random kid 3: (Joe) POTTER STINKS, HAHA!
Harry: Oh, dear, I knew I should have taken a shower last month…
Draco: Oy, *P*o*TT*er! Li*K*e the ba*DG*es? Le*TS* *S*ee how many *T*ime*S* I can *SP*i*T* in a *S*en*T*en*C*e!!!
English translation: Oy, Potter! Like the badges? Let's see how many times I can spit in a sentence!
(The badges say "POTTER STINKS!")
Harry: 'Potter Stinks,' eh? Well, I'm devastated now. Where did you get that insult, Dora the Explorer? Ha ha!
Draco: (Stiffly) I'll have you know that I got that insult from Blues Clues, thankyouverymuch!
Harry: (Continuing to laugh) Well, that is the lamest insult ever! I suppose you expect me to burst out crying?
Random Kid 4: (Clyde) POTTER, YOUR MUM STINKS!
Harry: (Bursts out crying) WAAAAAAAH!
(He goes outside. Cedric is lying in a bench. His posse of adoring fans is feeding him grapes, batting their eyelashes, and drooling. And these are the GUYS we're talking about!)
Bob: (The same one who said 'POTTER, YOU STINK!') Oh, Cedric, our great leader, say something profound and meaningful!
Cedric: I like grapes… (His fan posse 'ooohs' and 'aaahs.')
Steve: I wish I could say profound and meaningful things like that!
Harry: Hi, Cedric!
Fan Posse: POTTER STINKS, HA HA HA! AREN'T WE CLEVER?
Cedric: Hello, there Harry.
Fan Posse: POTTER STINKS, HA HA!
Cedric: Hey, fan possum?
Joe: (Whispering) It's 'posse,' oh strapping one!
Cedric: I knew that. Well, anyway, fan posse, could you kindly shut up?
Fan Posse: POTTER ST—(They stop abruptly and salute) YES, EXALTED MASTER!
(Cedric and Harry go behind a tree.)
Harry: CEDRIC, THE FIRST TASK IS DRAGONS?
Cedric: (Studying his nails and humming 'I Got Spurs') Mmmm…
Harry: Cedric, WE HAVE TO FIGHT DRAGONS! DRAGONS!!! DO YOU READ ME?!?!
Cedric: Dude, no, I can't read the Harry Potter books! Too many big words. I'm still working on Spot Goes to the Circus!
Harry: That's not the point! The point is, we have to fight dragons! You do know what a dragon is, don't you?
Cedric: 'Course I do. I've seen 'em at the zoo!
Harry: The zoo?!
Cedric: Of course! Brown, fuzzy things about so high (holds his hand at knee level), they eat ants, they have long noses, and they smell kind of funny?
Harry: Those are anteaters, Cedric. Dragons are green, scaly things about fifty foot high, they eat people, the shoot fire out of their noses, and they have teeth about two foot long? (He holds up a picture. Cedric looks at it, screams, and faints.)
(Harry walks past and just so happens across Ron, who is talking to Seamus)
Seamus:… and so the bartender says, "Why don't you just take your pot of gold and…"
Harry: You know what, Ron? You annoy me. And you like Hermione.
Ron: No I don't.
Harry: Yes you do.
Ron: No I don't.
Harry: Yes you do.
Ron: No-I-don't!
Harry: Yes-you-do!
Ron: No-I-don't!
Harry: Yes-you-do!
Ron: SO DO YOU!!!
Harry: Oh, all right, but it'll just be our little secret.
Ron: Don't worry, Harry. I won't tell a soul. (The camera zooms in on his face.) Hey, Hermione! HARRY LIKES YOU! (The camera pulls back to reveal Harry, two feet away from Ron and looking annoyed.) Oh. This… is… awkward.
Harry: Yeah. Well. You're a git. Stay away from me.
Seamus: SHOT DOWN!!! (Goes rigid) Ahhh…. begorrah!