Chapter 13

December 2014

"I can't do this."

"No, you can! You did it last year and it was fantastic. Don't worry, you'll be great," Kurt assured Rachel, who was glancing around the backstage area nervously.

"But what if I mess it up?" Rachel still didn't seem convinced.

"Why would you mess it up?" Kurt asked. "You always do great."

Rachel looked at her best friend, a skeptical look on her face. She wanted to retort, but suddenly her name was called and she had no choice but to step through the curtain and face the examination committee.

Kurt's eyes followed the brunette and a worried expression took over his features. Everyone had been nervous about the final examination, but Rachel's nervousness seemed quite extreme to him and she didn't act like herself nowadays. Her continuous anxiety and restlessness had even him worry about her performance, even though he had always believed in Rachel's talent.

The committee, three women and two men, who were all instructors at their department, looked at the diva in expectation. Kurt could only see Rachel's profile as he was observing the scene from the side of the stage, but it was enough to recognize that her nervousness had even gotten worse.

"Hi. I'm Rachel B-berry and today I will be singing Don't Cry For Me Argentina from the musical Evita." She shot some nervous glances at the committee members. Some of them were nodding, others were scribbling something on their notepads.

Kurt held his breath when the music started playing from the speakers. He watched Rachel close her eyes and take a deep breath. She hit the first note perfectly.

Kurt exhaled in relief and placed his hand over his heart, listening intently.

Yet, what he was hearing wasn't Rachel Berry. Well, it was Rachel Berry's voice, but - while technically almost flawless - her performance sounded void of emotion, almost robot-like.

Kurt frowned and turned his head towards the instructors. 'Oh-oh, this is no good,' he thought as he studied their faces. They didn't look too pleased. Some of them were even slightly shaking their head as if they had never witnessed a performance worse than this.

When the song ended, Rachel lowered her head as she waited for comments on her performance.

Some students from their semester had gathered behind Kurt and Kurt could hear them whisper about Rachel's performance.

"Quiet!" he snapped as he was afraid he'd miss the committee's remarks.

Rachel's main vocal performance instructor was the first to address her. She put down the notepad and cleared her throat.

"Well Rachel. As for technique, your performance was among the best we heard today. But I am sorry to tell you that I didn't like it all."

Kurt saw Rachel clench her fists, which he knew she did when she was either angry or just about to cry. He hoped she wouldn't burst into tears in front of everybody. Nobody here except him would show any sympathy for her. The musical world was a tough business.

"Where was your emotional expression?" the instructor asked. "I felt like I listened to a robot to be honest."

The other committee members agreed, each of them voicing similar evaluations.

The last person to speak was the Dean, a retired Broadway actor in his late sixties. He could be quite scary sometimes and Kurt hoped he wouldn't go too harsh on Rachel.

"You're lucky I'll let you pass today," was all he said without even a trace of a smile in his features.

"T-thank you," Rachel replied quietly. "I am very sorry I haven't been able to show you a better performance."

"You can leave now," the voice instructor said and made a waving gesture towards the stage exit, which Kurt found to be very disrespectful.

Rachel turned around. Her shoulders were down and so was her head while she walked towards Kurt. Their classmates had started whispering again, but this time Kurt didn't shut them up.

"She didn't deserve to pass," someone said when Rachel had reached them.

"I know right? She was just lucky the Dean was in a good mood today," someone agreed.

Rachel didn't even look at Kurt. Her eyes were on the floor and she didn't stop but passed by the group of students as if they weren't there.

Kurt shot the whispering students an angry glare before he went after Rachel, but he had no idea what he could possibly say to make her feel better.

XVXVX

July 2019

"Rachel?"

Rachel bit down on her lower lip to stop the tears rising in her eyes when she heard Kurt say her name at the other end.

"Hello?"

Rachel gulped. She had to hold her phone with two hands to get a steady grip on it.

"Kurt?" she croaked.

Kurt didn't reply but she could hear him breathing on the other end.

"I'm calling to ask you for forgiveness," Rachel said quietly. Tears were now running over her cheeks, but she felt too nervous to even register it. "I know I behaved horrible. I'm so sorry."

"Why are you calling me suddenly? I waited for your apology for more than four months," Kurt said, his voice full of accusation.

Rachel's heart sunk. Of course he wouldn't forgive her easily. Her eyes wandered to the framed picture of her and Kurt that she had placed on the nightstand when she had come to live here two years ago. Their smiling faces were like daggers into her heart. She really had to try to make things right again.

"I was scared," she admitted ruefully.

"Of what?"

"That you'd never forgive me. That I'd lost the only true friend I ever had."

Kurt didn't say anything and the line was silent for some time while Rachel's heart pounded rapidly in her chest.

"Kurt, I am very sorry for what I said. I know you are very talented and that this talent brought you to where you are right now. That's why I was jealous of you and frustrated with myself. I shouldn't have made you the target of my own frustrations."

"So why did you do it then?" Kurt asked dryly.

"Because I wasn't ready to face my fears. And I'm still not ready. So I chose the easy way out. To distract me from myself by attacking you." Rachel sniffed trying not to burst into sobs. "I'm so, so sorry Kurt. I truly am. Please, couldn't you at least consider to forgive me?"

She heard Kurt sigh on the other end. She didn't hear any background noise, so he must be at home. Rachel imagined him sitting on his couch, a pizza on the table and his iPad nearby. That's how he liked to spend his Saturday nights when he didn't go out on dates.

"Listen Rachel. While I appreciate your apology, don't you think it's kind of too late?"

Rachel didn't answer as she didn't know what she could hold against that.

Kurt waited a while before he continued. "If I were to forgive you, it would be your last shot. And this time I mean it. I really wanted to support you, but you trampled all over me. I have feelings too, you know?"

"I know. I am so sorry," Rachel whispered as more tears left the corner of her eye. "Will you forgive me one last time?"

Kurt sighed once more and Rachel was sure he was ruffling through his hair only to regret it a second later.

"I'm not sure what to do to be honest," he eventually said.

Rachel knew there was only one way to get him to be her friend again. She had to make use of his weakness. She knew he would kill her if he found out she sometimes used it against him, but what else should she do?

"I have something I need to tell you," she said. "Something private, which I haven't told anyone yet."

"What is it?" Kurt asked and Rachel smiled when she detected the curiosity in his tone. A good piece of gossip would always work wonders on him.

"I'm in a relationship." Her tears stopped as an involuntary grin spread on her face when she heard Kurt gasp at the other end.

"Wait? When did this happen? With whom? Do I know this person?" he asked excitedly.

"I'd prefer to tell you in person. And yes, you know them."

"Oh. My. Gosh!" Kurt exclaimed. "Tell me everything! Are you busy now?"

"No," Rachel replied.

"Then get your ass over here Berry." With that he hung up and left Rachel staring at her phone with a smile and dried tears on her face.

XVXVX

It was already past ten p.m. when Rachel arrived at Kurt's apartment. Darkness had fallen over the street where he lived, but he had moved to a safer neighborhood, so Rachel wasn't scared. At least not of thieves and murderers.

She hesitated for a moment, then she pressed the bell which was located next to a small sticker saying 'K. Hummel' and waited for the door to open.

It took only a couple of seconds until the door buzzed and she could ascend the stairs to get to Kurt's apartment, which was located on the second floor. Since he had landed a few well-paid roles already, he had been able to move into an apartment, which was way more well-maintained than his last one.

When Rachel arrived at the top of the stairs, Kurt was already lurking through the half-opened door. Rachel smiled awkwardly, not sure how she should act towards him.

"Hey," she said as she came to a halt in the hallway.

"Hi," Kurt replied, appearing as insecure about this encounter as herself.

Rachel cleared her throat before she looked up to him. "Would it be alright if I hugged you?"

Kurt smiled and nodded, but he didn't make any attempt to bridge the distance between them.

"Well, I'm going to hug you now," Rachel announced.

"And there is Rachel Berry," Kurt winked before he pulled her into his arms. Rachel slung her arms around his back and held on to him tightly, finally fully realizing how unfairly she had treated him. Her sight started to get blurry and it cost her a lot to fight back the tears.

"I'm so sorry," she said quietly, still not letting go of him.

Kurt exhaled and tightened the embrace. "I know."

"I missed you so much," Rachel whispered as she felt his heartbeat against her chest.

"I wish you would've realized that a little earlier," Kurt said before he pulled back and looked at her.

Rachel wiped a tear from her eye. "I know. I'm so sorry Kurt. I'm a horrible friend. I don't know how I can make it up to you. But if there is anything I can do for you to forgive me, I'll do it." She sniffed and took a deep breath to fight back the sob that was rising in her throat. "I just want us to be friends again."

Kurt looked at her for a few long moments, but then he started grinning. "Actually, there is something you could do for me." He raised his eyebrows as she gave Rachel an expectant look.

"What is it?" Rachel asked.

"Get on with the gossip already!" Kurt replied while he rubbed his hands together as if he was about to open a pile of Christmas presents.

Rachel stared at him blankly for a moment until she started to smile, which turned into a relieved laugh. She slapped Kurt's arm in a playful way and he started laughing as well.

Five minutes later, she found herself on Kurt's cream-colored leather couch, a glass of diet coke and a bag of chips on the table next to her. "Don't spill on the couch, I just got it cleaned," Kurt said as he walked in, placing a candle on the table. "For the atmosphere," he said while he lit it.

"What happened to your interior design?" Rachel asked. She was sure that last time she had been to his apartment, everything had looked different.

"You mean the antique Chinese palace inspired interior?" Kurt asked while he settled himself in the armchair of the same color as the couch.

"You had Chinese inspired interior?" Rachel asked in confusion.

"Oh, you never got to see that one. Then you must mean the French baroque inspired one!" He made waving gesture and wrinkled his nose as if he was disgusted by the thought of it. "That was so last season. Nowadays I'm into minimalism, so no decorations and especially no fake classical paintings."

"I see," Rachel said and let her eyes wander around the room, which due to the reduction in decorations and furniture appeared much wider than last time. She remembered when she had sat down with Kurt at this exact spot about half a year ago, gossiping about celebrities and drinking cheap prosecco. She wondered whether she could ever fully restore her friendship with him and how long it might take.

"So?" Kurt disrupted her thoughts as he leaned forward and poured some coke into his glass. "Time to spill the tea, Rachel. Who is the lucky one?"

"Uhm…" Rachel said digging her hands into the rim of her navy mini dress. She suddenly felt very nervous telling Kurt about her relationship, because she couldn't even imagine how he might react to the news that she was with Quinn because of a promise they had made seven years ago.

"You said I know them," Kurt said, tapping his fingers on the armrest. "Is it someone from NYADA? Or-" his eyes began to shine "is it someone famous?"

Rachel shook her head. Despite her nervousness she couldn't suppress a grin caused by Kurt's enthusiasm.

"Actually," she began and took a quick sip from her coke, "it's someone from Glee club."

"What? From Glee club?!" Kurt exclaimed and held his hand over his mouth, clearly intrigued by the revelation. "Who is it?"

"It's…it's Quinn," Rachel finally said.

There was silence for a moment as Kurt seemed to process the news. Rachel shot him a nervous glance before she took another sip from her glass.

"Quinn?! Quinn Fabray?! THE Quinn Fabray?!" Kurt suddenly blurted out, causing Rachel to almost spit the liquid back into the glass.

"Yeah," Rachel coughed because some of the coke had found its way into her windpipe.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Kurt went on. Rachel looked at him again, but instead of disapproval, his face was full of excitement as if he had just been told he was the winner of the next Tony Award.

"Tell. Me. More," he added and clapped his hands, before he leaned forward, ready to absorb every piece of information Rachel was about to reveal.

It felt good to finally have somebody who would listen to the whole story. She started at graduation day, talked about her encounters with Quinn and didn't spare out a single detail from the wedding. She told him everything that had happened since they were back in New York and even described how Quinn's lips felt on her own. Kurt asked many questions, as usual wanting to know all the details of the story, but the most important thing to Rachel was that he didn't judge her. Of course he had been surprised to hear about the promise and the fact that they were actually keeping it, but instead of calling it crazy or making fun of her, he found it adorable and romantic.

"I can't believe you two haven't done it yet, tough," Kurt said after Rachel had ended her story.

The brunette felt heat creeping into her cheeks as images of a very clothe less Quinn started to fill her mind.

"You're totally thinking about it now," Kurt teased her while he munched on a handful of chips. He must've forgotten about the no-spilling-on-the-couch policy, since crumbs scattered all over his lap and the leather around him.

"Don't you want to sleep with her?" he asked.

Rachel kneaded the coffee-brown pillow she had grabbed earlier in her lab. "I think I want to," she admitted.

"So why don't you just do it then?"

"I'm not sure if she wants to," Rachel replied and tugged on the pillow's edges.

"Why wouldn't she?" Kurt asked. "Rachel, that girl waited seven years for you! I can only imagine how desperate she must be." He giggled, but was soon stopped by pillow crashing into his head.

"Hey! That's a designer piece!" he complained.

Rachel sighed, ignoring his indignation. She thought about herself and Quinn and even though the thought filled her heart with warmth and affection, at the same time, she could no longer ignore the traces of doubt that had rooted somewhere deep inside her.

"She waited for me all those years, but that doesn't mean she still feels the same," Rachel said. She looked at Kurt, who was now holding the pillow, and met his eyes. His features softened and he waited for Rachel to continue.

"It was me who asked her to keep the promise. Maybe she had no intention of ever bringing it up again."

"But it was her who kissed you first after all," Kurt reasoned and gave her a sympathetic look.

"Yeah, she kissed me first, but I don't know what it meant to her. I- I just don't know-"

"Whether she's still in love with you?" Kurt raised his eyebrows.

Rachel nodded.

"Are you in love with her?" Kurt asked and handed Rachel the almost empty bag of chips. Rachel took it, but didn't made any move to eat.

"I think I am."

"Did you tell her that?"

Rachel shook her head. "No."

"You women sure are complicated," Kurt sighed. "Maybe she feels the same. Maybe she doesn't know whether you love her, so she doesn't dare to make a move." He reached out and took Rachel's hand in his. "Tell her how you feel. It's the best way to find out about her side of the story." He gave her hand a squeeze before a grin spread on his face. "And then have hot sex for the rest of the day."

"You pervert!" Rachel slapped his arm, but she couldn't help but grin.

The two looked at each other and smiled. "Thank you for everything," Rachel said.

"Where would I be without my daily dose of Rachel Berry?" Kurt jokes. "I missed your craziness."

"Hey, I'm not crazy!" Rachel protested.

"Yes you are!"

"Maybe sometimes."

While finishing the bag of chips, the two talked about Kurt's play that was about to premiere and some upcoming auditions. Kurt encouraged Rachel to try out for at least one of them and this time she didn't get angry at him. All she felt was gratitude for having him and Quinn back in her life. Maybe things would finally start to get better.