Session 13
Gideon sat nervously on his front porch, he'd been checking his phone every minute since since his session time began. Dr. Hamm was nowhere to be seen and when he tried to call her the phone just went to voice message. They were thirty minutes into the session and she still wasn't there.
Gideon startled and dropped his phone as a black car stopped in front of his house. The polished exterior glistened in the midday sun, catching his eye just right so he had to look away. A large bear climbed out of the drivers seat and started towards the house. Gideon felt his heart climb into his throat. Maybe in the midst what happened at last week's session, Dr. Hamm complained about Gideon's behavior. A guilt lodged itself in his heart and resided their since last week. The overall ordeal had scared him, but still he believed he could have handled it better. If he'd given in to her, then she wouldn't have closed herself off from. Or at least showed up to finish his mandatory sessions.
The bear walking down the path wasn't wearing a uniform and didn't look like officer, Gideon had a new concern that he was from the court system coming to tell him that he had no choice, but to start over in his therapy sessions because Dr. Hamm resigned. The hulking beast stopped a few feet away and reached up, pulling his sunglasses. Gideon got up from the steps and tried to keep himself calm. Whatever happened now, it was on him and he was going to respond calmly.
"Mr. Grey, Gideon?"
"Yes, sir."
"I'm from the courts, Judge Almayz sent me to check up on you."
"Oh?" Gideon knew he should say something substantial, but couldn't think of anything to say.
The bear reached into his finally tailored suit jacket. Gideon flinched having seen so many movies about a large mammal in a suit pulling a gun. Instead the bear pulled out a letter and unfolding it. For a moment he glanced at the paper, before reaching into his breast pocket to receive a pair of black rimmed glasses.
"Sorry, my eyes aren't what they use to be." A friendly chuckle slipped from the bears deep voice.
Gideon smiled at this, just hearing the bear make a joke eased the tension slightly. Finally the bear cleared his throat and started to read the paper.
"Yaddy yadda, Grey, Gideon. Arrested on...beating up another minor child. Appointed to Dr. Janice Hamm." The bear poked at the paper with one claw." "Here we are, it says here that you completed your court appointed sessions with Dr. Hamm in just five weeks, that's impressive. Her words were, Gideon is an exceptional mammal who is put into a great deal of stress from sexual abuse by Edward Grey, Step dad. In my opinion Gideon would make a full recovery if removed from hostile environments and place in the car of his Grandmother Ursula McLuphane. And the rest of it goes on to state some more legal stuff. So the big question is, are you doing better? Normally we'd ask Dr. Hamm, but she resigned a few days after filling out this deposition."
"Wait, that..." Gideon's math skills were a little below par, but he still was smart enough to know that he'd been seeing Dr. Hamm for longer than five weeks.
"I can assume you're doing better, the only other altercation on file was when you were attacked by your step dad, so would it be fair to say you're fine." The bear seemed a bit impatient, which worried Gideon.
"Oh, yeah. Doing great, my grades are up and I don't get that mad anymore."
"Splendid, Dr. Hamm is a miracle worker. Too bad she's not around. Sign here so I can be on my way."
Gideon took the bear's pen and scrawled his sloppy signature on the paper. The bear cleared his throat and pointed at the date line. Reminding him that it was twenty-sixth. Gideon filled it out, printing his name under his horrible looking signature. The bear peeled a pink copy from the back of the document and handed it to Gideon.
"That's your copy, keep it in a safe place. You have a good day, Mr. Grey."
Even hearing the name caused him to shutter. "Just Gideon, sir."
"Have a good day, Just Gideon."
Gideon snorted and waved at the bear as he turned and walked back to his car. Once he drove out of sight. He looked down at the paper, giving it another read. Five weeks, he'd been seeing Mr. Hamm for over two months, why would she lie about it. Gideon folded the paper and poked his head in the front door.
"Grandma, I'm going for a walk."
"Okay dear, stay out of the road and tell your friend Michael I said hello."
Gideon smirked and started down the path. It was fair to assume he was going to visit Michael. They'd seen each other almost every day since his last session. Gideon made jogging to his father's store part of his daily workout routine. Michael always bribed him with a soda, which his dad didn't mind giving away. Michael's dad was a quiet mammal, who looked as though he was carrying the world on his shoulders, but never stopped smiling when Michael was around and always encouraged him.
Thoughts of Michael eased Gideon's mind, the thought that the cougar would be close to where Dr. Hamm's room was, made him feel more comfortable. If things went badly after he confronted Dr. Hamm, he could always go to his dad's shop and hang out, they never minded.
Gideon paced himself on the walk over, his mind working on what to say to her when they met. He could almost imaging her inviting him in. Would he go in? Would it be rude not to? Gideon shook the thought out of his head. He had to focus on the just the important questions. If Dr. Hamm trusted him, then she would be honest, if not it didn't matter Gideon was done with his session. Which in a way made him sad, Dr. Hamm was a friend and for things to end the way they did-
"Yoohoo!"
Gideon was pulled out of his thoughts by a familiar and playful tone. The cougar boy was on the opposite side of the road waving at him. He darted between the parked cars only to be started by the squealing of car brakes. His tail puffed out from fear.
"Hey, are you crazy? I'm fucking walking here."
"Get out of road, kid."
"I think the law says pedestrians have the right of way."
The guy behind the wheel honked his horn, before speeding away once the cougar was safely at the other side of the road. Michael mumbled under his breath something about crazy drivers as he tried to smooth the fur on his tail.
"That was dangerous, you need to be more careful."
"Aw, so gay. Sounds like you'd miss me if something happened."
"Are you kiddin'? I'd die. It would be a game over for me if something happened to you."
"Oh man, your noxious gay fumes are choking me out. I'm fading."
Michael's sarcastic wit always brought a laugh out of Gideon. "Oh Gideon, my giddy giggler."
Michael embraced the slightly larger fox in his arms and gave him a soft peck on the lips. Gideon wrapped his arms around him luring the kiss into something deeper. Michael was only too happy to oblige. Gideon felt something press tighter against his stomach, when he pulled away he looked down. A rather large square bowl the size of a paperback novel stuck out from the cougar's hoody pocket.
"Oh shit, I almost forgot. This crazy pig lady, the one who was responsible for us meeting, came into the store wanted me to give this to you."
"Dr. Hamm?"
"Janice Hamm, that was her name. Dude, she paid me five hundred bucks just to meet you. Jokes on her though, I got something better out of the deal."
Gideon was hurt by this realization, but when he looked into Michael's deep blue eyes. He could see that the cougar was oblivious to why he'd be upset.
"I guess she figured we wouldn't end up being friends."
"Yeah, listen, I have to tell you something."
Gideon didn't like the tone his voice took. The cougar's smile slipped away and his face became serious. His small hand moved up to rest on Gideon's chest.
"Listen to the whole thing before you flip out, because you just might flip out."
"Alright."
"This pig lady, Dr. Hamm. Well, there was some stipulations to our get together that I didn't like, but moneys money. When I met you, I really liked you. I liked the way you made me feel when we danced together. So giving you head in the bathroom felt more intimate then even I thought possible. That's why I kissed you afterwards, there was something special about you."
"Wait, she paid you too...?"
"Yeah and it gets worse and I fully understand if you don't want to talk to me again after I tell you this. But know that I haven't stopped thinking about you since that night. I-"
"What is it?"
The cougar grimaced and fiddled with the folds in Gideon's shirt across his chest. "She had me record it on my phone and give it to her. She said something about it being part of the healing process. That's how I found out she was your shrink."
"I don't believe this!"
"It's true, I'm not proud of it. I needed the money so my dad could pay the food delivery guy."
"You gave the money to your dad?"
"Yeah, what would I do with five hundred bucks. He buys me whatever I want. Beside, I got the better end of the deal. I got you and you know that's no fucking lie, if one thing you know about me. I'm not a liar."
Gideon thought on this for a second, looking down at the box in his hand and then back up to the cougar who waited in baited breath for him to say something. Gideon was hurt, but knew that Michael was telling the truth. He'd have no reason to lie about any of it. They'd seen each other everyday for a week and spent so much time talking. Michael told Gideon things that were personal. Michael even cried in his arms when he talked about his parents being separated. Gideon just kissed his eyes and held him.
"I love you, Gideon Gay." A smile crept across the cougar's dark lips.
Gideon blinked a few times, unable to keep from smirking at the boys smile. "I love you too."
The cougar sighed heavily, tears welling up in his eyes as he gripped Gideon's collar clinging to him. Gideon wrapped his arms around the newly fail cougar.
"Aw, you're such a fag." Gideon giggled in his ear.
"Oh shut up, stop talking to me. You're the fag." The cougar acting all indignant slapping at Gideon's hands.
"Thank you for being honest, Michael."
"Dude, you're totally worth it."
They hugged each other for a long time, before Gideon walked Michael back to his father's store. They'd talked for a short while about what was in the box, but Gideon insisted that it's something he had to investigate alone. Michael wasn't happy about the fox's response, but Gideon assured him, it would be the last thing he'd have to face alone. That was a good enough response for Michael. When they kissed goodbye and parted ways, Gideon held the cougar's hand as long as he could before back away. Michael left his hand extended, reaching for Gideon the entire time he walked away. Gideon had his first taste of what it was to be in love.
Gideon got home, storing the box in in his top dresser drawer until he could look at it after his grandma went to bed for the night. It's contents lingering on his mind. Both a mixture of excitement to find out what was inside and a feeling of never wanting to know. It cause a nausea inside of him, but his mind reasoned that whatever was inside the box. It would be better to wait until tonight to open it.
Gideon kissed his grandma on the cheek, whispering goodnight to her. She'd already fallen asleep reading her book. Gently Gideon slipped her glasses from her muzzle and folded, setting them on the nightstand. Picking her book up setting it aside. After another long look at his grandma he smiled, turned off her light, and went into the hallway. The moment he closed his grandmother's door, his heart started pounding in his chest. The moment had finally arrived.
When he pulled the box from his dresser drawer he stared at it for a long time. There was nothing in it that could really hurt him, at least not physically, but... Gideon sat down at his desk and opened the box. Inside he found the pair of underwear he wore to the club, not a new pair, but the pair. He could tell by the dried white stains in the black fabric. There was churn in his stomach that caused it to growl. It smelled heavily of him with a hint of her hand lotion. Gideon shivered and dropped them into the trash can. He didn't know what purpose they were used for, but he knew that dwelling on it would paint an ugly picture.
In the bottom of the box was a notebook, not just any notebook, but The notebook. Gideon flipped through the pages slowly. At first it looked nothing more like a journal kept by someone. Except the content was his facts spatter on the page in a beautiful calligraphy. Dr. Hamm always had beautiful handwriting. The further he traveled though the book the more sparse the notes because. Instead there were beautiful pen sketches, whole pages of them. One of Gideon wearing a flower crown where the vine spelled the word 'love'. At one point she'd drawn two shadowy figures cuddling. The one of him in the water was so detailed that he flipped past it as quickly as he could. There was poetry that resulted in running ink along the page. Tears, he assumed. His name appear more and more, in conjunction with words like 'love' and 'lover'. Dr. Janice Grey appeared a few times. A symbol of a tormented childlike mind.
When Gideon reached the end of the book, there was a small memory cards tape to the back flap. Slowly he tore the card away, opening his laptop, before it inserted it into the a SD card slot. A small loading screen appeared, there was a long list of videos that loaded. Each one of them labeled by a date. All within the past month or so. When he clicked on one, it was a shakily taken camera of him doing chores. Some of him working out. On in particular was him at the grocery store with his grandma. Nothing happened in any of them, it was just him doing things. It filled his body with a creeping feeling, made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Dr. Hamm was kind enough to include the video she'd taken at his step dad's farm. There was along the one that Michael took in the bathroom. As he reached the bottom of the list, more and more involved him and Michael. Some of them just hanging out in front of the store, other were of them hugging and kissing.
Gideon stopped at the bottom of the list, the final video in the list read 'video_session_13' and the date was the day before. Gideon clicked on it and it opened. Dr. Hamm sat at the edge of the bed in her room. She was dressed in a beautiful maroon suit. Her face was painted with beautiful, rich make up, and her hair was done up right. When Gideon saw her he couldn't help but feel like he was back in her house, sitting on her couch ready to start the session.
"Hello, Gideon."
"This is your final session."
"I can't apologize enough for what I've put you through. Nor can I explain away what is contained in this box. What I can say is, I'm an abuser."
"Instead of facing what happened to me, I tried to project it into my determination of fixing others, who were hurt by the ones they loved. I should have focus on helping me to feel better. I should have encouraged myself to reach out and get the help that I needed."
"Graduated at the top of my class in both high school and college. It made me cocky, made me feel invincible. I was going to go out and heal the world."
"My first client, my first mission was to help you. Except when I looked into your soul, I saw me. After that all logic flew away."
"I'd been offered so many clients since I opted to help you, but I turned them all down. My mind told me that you needed me most of all. I pushed myself to invade deeper into you. You occupied my every moment, every thought."
Tears welled in the pigs eyes, but she sat stone faces looking deep into the camera as if she were looking at him. "I pulled you from the nightmare of your family, not because I wanted to help you, but because I wanted a chance to be with you. If there were ever a male that could love me, it would be you."
"But I couldn't remain your doctor, so I resigned and I used my power to clear you of your charges. You were cleared after only five weeks, but I lied so I could be close to you. I promised thirteen session, I figured by then you'd be mine."
"Even though your gay, we could found a way to make it work. That's why I sought out that 'boy' that you met at the club. She...he was exactly what I needed, he didn't disappoint and neither did you. It was my chance."
Dr. Hamm gritted her teeth, scratching at her bottom lip with her thumb, as if she were trying to compose herself. "I never expected you two to ever find each other. I never expected him to open up the way he did. I guess that was my failing for finding someone so close to where you live."
"I like to think that if he'd not entered the picture, that things last week would have went better. But I know that's not true, I know what I did was wrong. I tried to use your trust and my position to take what I wanted."
"I had so many dreams, so many fantasies of our life together. You understood me for all the good and the bad that happened, you'd forgive me for what I've done. You would hold me and kiss away the pain. I loved you, I still love you. But I'm a horrible wretch, that doesn't deserve to know you."
"You are an exceptional male, whose been dealt a terrible hand, and you didn't deserve what I did. I could have helped, but I was too interested in helping myself. I love you Gideon Grey. I wish only the best for you. Goodbye, love."
The video ended with her reaching towards the screen and turning it off. Gideon's hands were sweaty, his stomach churning like a cement mixer. He closed out of the window and flopped back into his chair. His heart pounding in his chest, there was a fear surging through him, or maybe it was guilt. His head was spinning too hard to decipher. He got up from his desk his knees trembled and he slipped down to rest on his bed.
The phone on the desk started vibrating, a call, but it was late. Later then anyone usually called him. He he picked it up, he was relieved to see that it was Michael. Quickly he flipped it open and put it to his ear.
"Hey, Gid."
Hearing his voice brought a lump to Gideon's throat, tears were not far behind. When he sobbed the cougar's name, there was a change in Michael's demeanor.
"What's wrong?"
"I...just don't want to be alone." Gideon forced out through his tears.
"Alright, not to sound creepy, but I'm right outside your window."
Gideon climbed to his feet, fighting to open the latch. Once he got it, he hugged the cougar through the window, pulling him into his room. They lay on the floor holding each other. Gideon sobbing softly into the beautiful purple and blue stripped hoody he'd come to love. Michael ran his fingers between the pudgy foxes ears and down his neck, the petting motion mixed with the young cougar's humming, calmed him.
When the first emotional wave had passed, Michael helped Gideon up onto the bed and then called his dad, just to tell him that he wasn't going to be home. It was a surprisingly short call that ended with Michael getting his way. Michael took off his hoody and climbed into bed next to Gideon. Gideon remained quiet, much to tired to process anything anymore. The only thing he wanted to do was rest his head against the courgar's chest and listen to the soft thumping of his heart. Michael turned some music on his phone and continued to play with Gideon's hair.
"I'm not going to ask you what happened, but you tell me if you want to."
"I just...need you to be here right now."
"Gotcha covered." Michael smiled, leaning to kiss Gideon's forehead.
"I love you, Michael."
"Love you too, babe. Get some sleep, nothings going to happen to you while I'm on watch."
It didn't take Gideon long to fall asleep in Michael's lap. There was something safe about the boy, something that managed to keep the nightmares away. It wasn't a permanent solution, but at least for one night he could get some sleep and someone could protect him from the monsters that haunted him.