It Never Seems

So... 2015 was an insane year. I don't like giving excuses, but this delay has a reason. This chapter was supposed to be done around the end of September. I was going to write the last section when my hard drive goes out and $130 couldn't save my stories. So, with a new hard drive and a sour mood I have to start all over, I was going to write this again when I get into a really bad car accident. Long story short, I broke my left arm and still have whiplash. I was out of work combined with two jobs for six weeks. Coped with a loss of income because I couldn't work, I was in a bout of depression. Depression equals no motivation to write. But everything happens for a reason and I came back stronger.

This chapter is finally done. I apologize for the delay and hope you guys are still reading. Enjoy.

CAli

Ch. 12 - The Meet

July 2nd, 2009 - The West Coast

As much as Nathan wanted this the time to be cold and distant, he couldn't. The one time to be a coward and he couldn't. Instead, he said one simple word and time stood still. He watched as his brother processed that one simple word. Who knew "yes" would warrant such a powerful punch. He hoped for it, but he wasn't prepared for such force. He went down after one and felt his shirt being gripped. He looked up just in time for another punch to crack his cheekbone. He muffled his groan and looked up again expecting a beating.

After all, he was used to it.

Instead, all he heard was Lucas' anguished yell. "Goddamn it, Nathan!" His brother yelled.

In a flurry, Lucas wasn't towering over him but now at the sinks. Nathan turned his head and silently watched his brother trying to contain his anger. Lucas's hands gripped the marble edge of the counter as he hung his head down and raggedly breathed through his nose. Nathan knew his brother wanted to beat the shit out of him. Hell, he wanted his brother to do it. But he must've saw the tortured look on his face and thought there was no point in beating a wounded man. Nathan hated himself more because he didn't deserve "the right thing."

Nathan coughed then forced himself to get up. He stood up, broken, and stared until Lucas lifted his head and kept eye contact through the mirror. Nathan wanted to move, stand next to him, comfort his brother in some way but he was coward. He just stared at Lucas, watch the rage in his blue eyes build as he tried to contain it. He wished Lucas would attack again, but he knew his brother was a good man, and he wouldn't. It just wasn't right to beat an already beaten man. They both knew he didn't deserve this mercy. He hated he put his brother through this dilemma, hated that he was selfish. Lucas already took care of his wife and raised his boy. How could he ask one more thing of him? How could he be such a goddamn bastard? But Lucas knowing who he was was the catalyst of a big clusterfuck. He had to make him understand their lives were now in danger.

All because he was a fucking shell of a man.

Nathan cleared his throat and the sound caught midway through and he wounded up coughing. Lucas's angry stare hadn't morphed and Nathan ignored his heart breaking. He deserved all the anger but it still hurt to know his absence left a gaping linger. He could tell by his brother's stare how much damage he caused. It wasn't just the anger in his brother's stare but the hurt mixed in that stung. A fleeting thought entered his mind about Haley. If his brother was in this much anguish, his wife must be in pieces, barely glued together and frail. A stabbing pain targeted the left side of his chest.

God, he wished Lucas would beat him to death.

An awkward pause then Nathan gulped. God, this was so bad. The words lodged but another big gulp and he forced the words out.

"Lucas, I know you're angry," he started.

A sarcastic scoff cut him off. Nathan closed his eyes at his stupidity. He bit his lip and tried again.

"Please," he begged. "I don't deserve an ounce of mercy. But you have to do this for Haley and Jamie. You never saw me here. Nathan Scott doesn't exist anymore."

"You're damn right he doesn't exist." Lucas retorted, harsh and angry.

"I mean it. I'm not him. Please. I will explain everything. I will find a way to get you to meet me somewhere else. But please, you never saw me. People are out there and they're watching. You never saw me."

"What the fuck, Nathan?"

"I'm not him!" Nathan emphasized and trembled.

Lucas frowned at his terrified look. His head tilted as he studied him. Nathan allowed him and hoped how scared he felt reflected in his eyes. Lucas had to know how serious this was. He had to, or else they were all going to die. Finally, something changed in Lucas's posture. He stood up straighter, the anger in his eyes melting to concern. His brother turned around and took a step toward him.

"Nathan-"

Nathan stepped back reflexively. "Lucas, stop saying that name. This bathroom is too dangerous." He rapidly shook his head and looked around.

He knew they were the only two in there but his paranoia was kicking in. Any minute those goons could walk in and everything would be over. He couldn't risk his brother being killed when he was the only one taking care of his family. He had to get out of there to save his brother.

"I will get in touch with you, I promise," he said, as he backed away toward the door. "There's this guy, Tony Battle. He'll get you a message to meet me. I promise, Lucas, I will explain everything."

Lucas stared at him, confused. "What is going on?"

Nathan stared, hesitated. He had to leave. He had to protect his family.

"I'm sorry," he said, and ran out the door.

July 3rd, 2009 - The West Coast

Nathan tightly wrung his hands together as he paced. Sitting still just brought more nervous energy, but so did pacing. But at least when he paced, he was active. At least his nervous energy was moving. At least his energy was focused on some other task so his mind wouldn't run wild with tortured reenactments. The images of Haley and Jamie murdered still had him shuddering in random moments.

God, what was he doing? Everything inside him screamed that this was a huge mistake. Getting Lucas involved was dangerous. Getting Tony as the middle man was just plain stupid. Why couldn't he just run? Why was he setting up a sit-down with his brother, just to convince him he was still a coward? How fucking idiotic was he?

Everything about this was a bad idea, but he couldn't resist. Part of him wanted the weight lifted and explain everything that has happened thus far. After all, Lucas was the smarter one out of the two of them. He would know how to keep his family safe. He would know to shut up. He would know how much shit he was into and the seriousness of it all. His brother would know how to help.

He was banking on that. Despite the anger Nathan deserved, he hoped once Lucas learned the real reason he left, understanding would come through. Lucas would know how scared he was and how much he needed his brother. He had to see the seriousness of all this. He had to know what to do in this situation. He was banking on his brother's compassion and sensitivity that he would help him protect his family.

Nathan closed his eyes. God, he hoped, practically prayed this would work. It just had to. His breathing started to pick up but then suddenly hitched. A door opened down the hall. The first thing he saw was a dark figure. Out of instinct, he held his breath. The figure was tall, just as tall as him. He had a flashback that it was one of the goons. But he realized the mannerisms were different. This man was tall, but calm and collected. He had a relax stance to him. And just slightly, Nathan relaxed. Then he gulped when he saw Lucas's angry stare when Tony moved.

Lucas, with his jaw locked, narrowed his cold, dead stare. He had his hands shoved in his jacket pockets and he looked like a cross between murdering him and cautious sadness. Nathan didn't know which one broke his heart more. He watched his brother take a breath then sigh.

"Let's talk," he said.

Tony had enough sense to excuse himself. Nathan was forever grateful. After a tense stare down, Nathan cleared his throat and gestured to the side door. Lucas silently followed him then immediately sat down at the table in the other room. An awkward silence followed as Nathan took in Lucas's angry stares. He was ashamed but he took the suffering in silence. The least he could do was show he could take it.

"Why are you here?" Lucas asked.

"We're playing the Lakers," Nathan responded, quietly.

"So, you're living your dream. I hope it was worth it."

"It's more than that, Lucas. I'm living my nightmare."

"Then explain it to me. What exactly is your fucking nightmare?"

Nathan opened his mouth, ready to explode in his own anger. Lucas obviously had his own opinions about why he left and for a quick second, he wanted to be heard. For once, he wanted his voice heard on his side of the story. For once, he wanted to defend himself. But like any other time, he cowered. The words died before they could form and he lowered his head in shame. Instead he sighed, long and sad.

He heard a pop and his eyes zeroed in on Lucas's fist resting on the table. The loud pop was Lucas's thumb succumbing to the pressure of his fingers. His brother was seething but trying to hold it all in. Nathan took comfort that his brother was at least trying to hear him out. Underneath all the anger, Lucas was still reasonable. He felt guilty for taking advantage of that, but what else could he do? Lucas was his only hope in protecting his family.

"What I'm about to tell you is extremely dangerous," Nathan started, just above a whisper.

"What is this, a spy movie?" Lucas interrupted. "I'm getting real sick and tired of the ominous warnings. Fucking spell it out."

"Do you remember Dante?" Nathan said, immediately. He was finally able to stare down his brother.

Lucas frowned. When it clicked, he didn't show it. His face only hardened.

"Are you serious?"

"He survived the car wreck. Kept sending threatening letters. Days before I disappeared he sent pictures of Haley in crosshairs. I had to leave. I've been his lackey ever since. You weren't supposed to be in that bathroom yesterday. I don't exist. Please, Lucas, you have to understand that. If Dante knows you know, if you tell anyone, my family dies. Please. You have to protect them."

"Protect them?" Lucas had a crazed look in his eyes. "What the fuck do you think I've been doing since you've left? I've been there, being the husband and father you couldn't be. You're playing professional basketball, being someone's lackey while I've been here, picking up the pieces you destroyed. Here you are, standing there like a coward, telling me I have to do something I've been doing. I truly mean this, Nathan. Fuck you."

Nathan swallowed. "I deserve every bit of anger you and Haley have. I hate myself every day for doing what I did. I don't deserve your loyalty or the right to ask you this, but please, I need you to say it. I need you to say you will protect them. I need you to say you never saw me. Please. A broken man is begging you. Nathan Scott doesn't exist."

Lucas's fists started to shake then one pounded down. Nathan knew it was coming but he still flinched. He stayed still but his head pulled back in the slightest way. He took the anger silently just like the beatings. This time, he deserved the beating, although it was verbal.

"Goddamn it, Nathan!" Lucas yelled. "Did you know Haley blames herself? She thinks because she left first, you never fully found forgiveness and the pressures of life got to you and you decided a family isn't what you wanted. For four years, she's carried that in her heart. She cries every day because of you. Because you're a coward, she cries every day, blames herself every day. And you deserve my loyalty?"

Silence. A disgusting scoff cleared his brother's throat. Nathan looked up at his brother's intense glare. Lucas would kill if he had it in him.

"Do you understand my anger?" Lucas asked, calmly.

Nathan couldn't' answer with words so he nodded. The disappointed look on his brother's face made the suicidal thoughts come back. He was such a shell of a man. He watched Lucas get up, muttering under his breath the entire distance he walked away.

July 6th, 2009 - The West Coast

The 4th of July weekend was supposed to be something about barbecues and family. The joys of celebrating independence. The joys of freedom. The joys of love for your country and people around you. Nathan thought it was a bunch of bullshit.

They lost, per Dante's demand, and he felt like shit. He did sub-par like he was supposed to. He almost fouled out like he was supposed to. His points and rebounds were below his average like he was supposed to. And the entire time he played, Lucas's words echoed throughout his brain and bounced around. Even now, three days later, he couldn't get his brother's truthful words off repeat.

He guessed he was gluten to punishment.

He sighed as he shouldered his travel bag, bit his lip, and his eyes darted left to right. Subconsciously he was looking and he knew he shouldn't. Just once, maybe, just maybe, he would get a sign. A part of him wanted one last glimpse, but a huge part knew it wouldn't be any good. What good would it be to see them again? His brother was right and after everything he'd done, would he even deserve trust and love from his beautiful wife? Would Jamie even accept him as a father?

All the doubts led to one thing. He needed out of this fucking lobby. Checkout was being delayed for some reason and Nathan found himself shifting foot from foot. He tried not draw attention to himself and he was happy he had his hoodie on. Otherwise, he would've looked like a freaked addict. One of his assistant coaches was arguing with the manager.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered as he licked his lips.

And just like that, on a chance, Nathan had his last wish. A wish that almost made him thought there was a god in this hell. He shifted to his right, and just in his peripheral, a little boy entered his eyesight. Before then, he heard a little boy's giggle. He sucked in his breath when he heard his son. He stopped breathing when he saw Jamie.

And just like that, he thought his heart stopped beating. His heart shattered when Haley shortly entered his sights. There she was, allowing Jamie to drag her across the lobby straight to the elevators. As cliche as it sounded, she was breathtaking. Her beauty radiated even in such a rushed gesture. Her soft smile framed her glowing face. Even though he was at least fifteen feet away, he saw how her eyes sparkled when she focused on an excited Jamie who called her mama the entire time he dragged her.

He did noticed one thing about his wife, though. He saw the dullness in her smile. It wasn't full of love or adoration like how she used to look at him before he left. The twinge of sadness was fully in her smile and he felt like he should die. Lucas was right. She blamed herself for him leaving and everything inside him crumbled.

The tears flowed down and he just stood there, absolutely frozen. He stood there, just like Lucas accused. His brother was alway right.

July 6th, 2009 - The West Coast

Lucas sat on the edge of the bed, his face in his hands. Deep breaths kept his hands warm. Conflicting thoughts had been jumbled since first saw Nathan four days ago. The anger he felt was beyond raging, but all of that slipped away once he really looked at his brother's face. He looked so broken. And when he explained what was going on...

Lucas scoffed and shook his head. He leaned back and clasped his hands together. He looked up and tried once again to clear his dilemma. Should he tell Haley? But exactly what should he tell her? That in some fucked up way, Nathan was the martyr in all this? That he left because he feared for his family's safety? That Nathan wasn't really the bad guy in all this? That she should stop crying because it wasn't her fault?

All of it was too much, and he let out a frustrated growl as if to prove the overwhelming factors that had him struggling to tell or not. He knew he should tell Haley; he didn't owe his brother shit. But the paralyzing fear in Nathan's look stayed with him when he stormed out. The look even haunted him when he tried to sleep. It pissed Lucas off.

It was that look that stopped him from blurting anything out that day. He came back to the room fuming, his face literally red. He had half a mind to storm back and beat Nathan again but that broken look was in the forefront of his mind. He tried to block it out and had every intention of finding Haley and yelling out everything he just found out, but when he entered the room he found his best friend and his nephew curled up in their bed, dozing off in an afternoon nap. As cliche as it sounded, the sun silhouetted them and made them look like these perfect creatures that God intended to put on this Earth. And just like that, his hastily decision evaporated.

In that moment, he saw why Nathan protected them. It was a misguided, fucked up way, but Lucas understood his motives. If it was reversed, he probably would've done what was given to him to protect them. And if Nathan said it was Dante who was doing all this, then the reality of the situation sunk in. If Dante was dangerous before, threatening to break his brother's kneecaps and even accosting him, then there was no telling what exactly he was capable of now, especially if he survived that car accident and was really sending threatening letters about killing Haley. As the realization hit, Lucas had sympathy for his brother. He understood what his brother did.

But he still hated him.

And for that, he decided to sleep on his decision for a couple days.

"Uh-oh, Uncle Lucas is in his brooding mood again."

Lucas turned his head and found Haley smirking while holding Jamie's hand. Jamie tugged his hand away and immediately sat down on the floor to take off his shoes. The boy was hyped up on sugar and wanted to play with him. Lucas could tell by his bouncing demeanor and he couldn't help but smile. Jamie was such a great kid. He shook his head as he absently thought that Nathan was missing out. His nephew was such an amazing person already at four years old.

"Uncle Lucas, you can't be sad," Jamie chimed in as he concentrated on pulling the velcro off on his shoes. "I'm here now."

Lucas and Haley laughed at his confidence.

"I'm not sad, buddy." Lucas said with a soft smile. "Now that you're here, I'm not sad anymore."

"Yay!" Jamie yelled.

He finally got his shoes off and Lucas prepared himself as he watched Jamie run at him and took a running leap into his lap. He spent a few minutes giggling with him and play wrestling and was aware of Haley quietly watching on her edge of the bed. As he rocked forward into a sitting position and cradled Jamie (who was happy to be treated like a baby at the moment), he got a good look at his best friend. She had a peaceful smile but her eyes were still sad. He stopped his movements when he really focused on her.

"You okay, Luke?" She asked.

Lucas took a deep breath. He made his decision. After all, his loyalty was never to his brother.

"Haley, I have to tell you something." He sighed. "I..."

Her concern was showing as she creased her forehead and squinted her eyes. "What?"

He hesitated, and when Haley made a move to be closer, he snapped out of it and motioned for her to stay. He had to tell her but Nathan's broken look kept shimmering in his mind. After a few moments, he opened his mouth and the words spilled out.

End of Chapter 12.

Again, I'm sorry for the insane delay. Thank you to those who are still reading.

CAli.