Part 10 - Scooby Snacks:
-Sunnydale Cemeteries-
"You know, when I agreed with you that it was weird that all the crypts kinda looked the same yesterday I didn't expect the universe would comes up with… this." I mean, I figured it was just potential evidence that this is all some TV Show world with a low set design budget. I look the rather bizarre crypt over briefly before concluding that unlike the previous nine this one really doesn't even begin to match what I saw on the show. "Amy, this isn't it, it looks completely wrong." But, at least we're starting our night on a new note.
"Wrong?" Amy is still doing the trying to stare in every direction thing she started doing when that Polgara Demon got so close to her yesterday. Poor showing on my part really, I didn't realize the smell was anything so dangerous. The show somehow managed to fail in its conveyance of scent, which is really rather sad as there is so much information available that way. Ah well, now it'll be another few days before Amy stops twitching at random noises. On the plus side she doesn't seem to be putting any energy into her glares when she hears me call her 'my' witch. "Hello?" I apparently forgot to answer her in the midst of thinking about her.
"Oh... Yeah, it looks nothing like the description of the crypt we're looking for." Amy has been getting better about not asking awkward questions like, 'Who told you? How do you know this? Did you really need to actually beat that man to death with his own arms?' which I'm choosing to take as proof that those basic psychology courses father took back in the day still apply even after his inter-dimensional kidnapping.
"So we skip it?"
"uh… well… maybe not. I mean, we did find that kick ass door knocker in number 4. So just because the treasure we're looking for isn't here doesn't mean there isn't something to be found." One day I shall have that door knocker enchanted to bite anyone that tries to use it, it'll be hilarious, and a awesome way to preemptively maim any overly polite enemies that come a knocking on my door. Hmmm... then again, if he ever actually held an election, I'd vote for him. Assuming I can vote. Mother probably didn't file for a death certificate before burying me in the back yard right? Oh who the fuck knows, Mother could have filled out the form in Old English or ancient Sumerian just because it amused her briefly.
... I should learn how write in ancient Sumerian. I add it to the list.
"…Okay…" Amy sighs, and starts setting out her candles. Dear Sweet Christ on a Cracker woman! Could you possibly be any less enthusiastic about casting magic? It's magic! You are about to chant nonsense at the ground and then demand that it tell you what the fuck is down there. AND THEN IT FUCKING ANSWERS YOU! How is that not absolutely fucking amazing!? I can't even levitate a fucking pencil yet and I'm still excited every time it twitches. Granted, after an hour of watching a twitching pencil I wind up needing to down another cup of lemonade, but the microwave helps make it slightly less atrocious tasting. I think I'm making progress.
I find a convenient, and much closer than usual, headstone to keep watch from. I have no more interest in a repeat of yesterday than Amy does after all. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. The fight with the Polgara demon was fucking amazing. I got to hit a demon in the head with a twenty pound sledge hammer. Repeatedly. But still, I'd rather not have to deal with Willow's… moral compass... so losing Amy isn't really something I can afford.
Despite her grumbling, Amy does her thing. As usual, my butt only fails to fall asleep because blood flow isn't a thing that I do anymore. Which is odd now that I think about it. I'm a blood demon. You'd think I'd be all about the normal blood type things. I wonder if an overcharged pacemaker could make my heart beat? Then again, extremely low blood pressure is my friend when being skewered repeatedly. Although the looks on the Scoobies face when they realize I have a pulse might be worth it. Ah fuck it, you know I'm bored when I start to consider their reactions to things.
I'm in the middle of my third re-count of the headstones when Amy leaps up, "I found something!" she points into the crypt.
Finally! Some enthusiasm. I follow her in, finding her staring at a fancy looking sarcophagus.
"It's, uh… maybe three feet below the stone… coffin thing." Seriously? You get a location? It's not just a simple yes or no response? And you were bored!?
"Sarcophagus."
"Gesundheit?"
"Stone coffin thing. It's called a sarcophagus."
"… Do vampires all gain some sort of weird coffin lore skill?"
"No, I just really liked that game Diablo."
"You ward off Mrs Bellevu's computer with a cross," Amy hesitates, clearly debating asking how I can do that again, before continuing, "But you loved a video game named after the devil. Why am I not surprised?"
"Hey! If man were meant to use Internet Explorer, he'd have been born without a brain." I feel like Archimedes would approve of my paraphrasing of his wise words on flying. Amy just doesn't understand the how much Evil is represented by that little blue e. "But, we're off topic, you said three feet down?"
Amy nods, then hides behind me as stone chips begin to flee before the might of my sledge hammer. Three feet down, it turns out, is actually two feet below the floor. Somebody built this crypt on top of a treasure? Weirdo. Now I have to use a shovel… I really need to find some generic minions for this kind of make-work. Pulverizing a sarcophagus is fun, digging just lacks that same... panache. ... I probably could have just lifted it out of the way. Ah well. Time to play 'dig dug: /r/outside edition.'
Lifting the shovel up, a bit of gold glinting in the light has my groan of annoyance drowned out by Amy's happy squeal. Amy snatches up the amulet and shines her flashlight on it. Her grin falters as my shouted, "Gods Damn It," reaches her brain, she drops the amulet like it burned her and stares at it suspiciously.
"What's wrong? Is the amulet dangerous?" Well no, if we ignore the obvious issue of curses and contagion I'm sure it's fine. But that's not the problem.
"Not directly… but it's owner is just... kind of like Jabba the Hutt." Discovering Amy liked the movies was an amazing accident. Almost as amazing as realizing that Jar-Jar doesn't exist yet. Even weirder, so did Mrs. Bellevu… well, as much as she's capable of liking or disliking anything at the moment. Just because my currently lower powered Thrall forced me to be more subtle, doesn't mean I fully understand what's going on in that woman's mind. I think she believes Amy and I are like a step beyond her favorite grandkids? it would explain the cookies, and her new found tendency to pinch our cheeks and smile at us. But she can't explain herself because she still hasn't given any indication that she possesses the ability to speak. Which is strange, I think, as Amy doesn't remember her being a mute.
"… so like a Mafia Boss? or just really fat?" I'm not sure Amy puffing out her cheeks is necessary, but it is amusing for reasons she probably won't appreciate. Not that she'd understand who Sasha Grey is... Will be? Fucking time travel.
"Both actually, and worse, Balthazar is a cult leader. As in vampire cultists with sword fetishes. This must be the Gleaves family tomb."
"So we put it back?" I give Amy points for declining to mention that I sleep with a sword strapped to my arm, and not asking how I know that name.
"No… we just can't sell it for the quick cash we were hoping to. I'll have to figure out a way to contact Balthazar and arrange a trade. Dude's fucking ancient so I imagine he must have something of value to us that we can get him to exchange for it." Or if I ever need to distract The Mayor in a hurry I could hand it over and watch the fireworks.
"Okay… and the rest?"
"What do you mean the rest?"
Amy shines her flashlight down into the hole I dug out, "Well, there was more gold down there than that amulet alone" Wait. You also get quantity? I love magic sometimes.
I dig up a gold bracelet, and a... well... I don't know what it was, but slamming the shovel into it turned it into a lump. Oops.
Amy immediately picks up the bracelet and starts to put on. I smack it out of her hands, relieved when my tattoos don't sizzle, "Fucks sakes Amy. Curses, Poisons, if the Gleaves family was crazy enough to pick a fight with Balthazar and steal his amulet, I wouldn't be shocked if they had other weird trinkets. Dangerous trinkets."
"Oh I didn't think about that. I'll have to look up a detection spell for that."
"Meh. Honestly, I don't think I'd have thought about it either if I wasn't rereading those Harry Potter books." I snap my jaw shut before I can mention the fucking Gaunt Ring. Gods Damn It.
"Oh. Yeah. The diary? ... yeah, let's not touch the treasure until we test it." Oh good, Chamber of Secrets is already out. That could have been awkward.
We start shifting the rubble back into the hole once Amy confirms that all of the gold ought to be accounted for.
-Later-
Apparently Saint Murphy was watching when Amy and I were joking around about our good fortune at having found our first proper treasure, and he felt the need to remind us of his existence.
Amy, it seems, wanted to enchant the bracelet as a good luck charm. I admit this is a slightly better reason for wanting it than the "it's shiny" I was expecting. Sadly, I may never know why gold is better than silver for good luck charms because, with our gear all packed up into a large duffle bag and slung over my shoulder, I wasn't quite able to stop Amy in time when I heard a voice I recognized coming from around the corner of the graveyard entrance.
This left me staring, horrified, at Amy having an impromptu, 'who can look more surprised' contest with Willow as they collided with each other under the entrance archway. Okay Jack, think fast, why are you and Amy in a graveyard after dark in Sunnydale? Willow knows Amy knows about the… dangers that entails. Xander rounding the corner a half second later provides an easy answer.
I turn to Amy, "You see? We're not the only one's out having fun. I don't see why you got so nervous when it got dark," I indicate Willow and Xander with a nod of my head, "they're out here too, so clearly it can't be that dangerous around here. You don't have to try and scare the new guy in town." I roll my eyes exaggeratedly and, facing them directly, I smile at the two Scoobs, "Hey guys, if you're looking for a good spot there's a clump of trees over thatawayish." I wave my hand in no particular direction. "They should keep you hidden from any cops looking to enforce those pesky public indecency laws." It takes everyone a moment to catch on to what I'm implying, but then Amy and Willow both turn bright red and start spluttering. I think Willow might have a slight genetic advantage in the 'who can turn reddest' contest. Xander looks torn between amused and upset on Willow's behalf. Hmmm, he also looks mildly distressed. Either he still thinks of Willow as his sister and is grossed out, or he's already begun to notice she's a girl and is uncomfortable about my implications striking close to home.
Oz, hitherto absent for reasons unknown, finally arrives and I go for broke, "Oh. Wow…" I try to look slightly uncomfortable, but its hard while fighting back laughter, "…uh… kinky. I knew you Californians were laid-back but… uh yeah… have fun you guys. We'll leave you to it." I grab Amy and tug her around them, "Amy, we should probably be getting home, I did promise your dad I'd have you home like 15 minutes ago." Willow is impersonating a bright red fish. Oz looks confused, and Xander finally cracks and gives in to a snort of derision. I think Xander deserves a Scooby Snack for holding out as long as he did in the face of the absurdity that is me on a roll. I make a mental note to buy the man some Twinkies. Do they sell them by the case?
I'm half dragging Amy along while she glares at me with indignation. I'm about to continue teasing her when my good mood flees as I hear Oz interrupt Willow whining at Xander for laughing, "Guys? Who was that? He didn't smell human." Fuck. I guess the nose game cuts both ways. Time to be... not here.
Amy is now doing an admirable job of proving that she can glare at me indignantly even while being carried at full vampire sprint. That's pretty damn impressive actually.
-Sunnydale Memorial Hospital-
"Why are we here again?" Aha! I make note that Amy will abandon her attempts at giving me the silent treatment if she wants answers.
"Because, bumping into the local demon hunters in a graveyard at night once is funny," Amy's face says she strongly disagrees with my assessment of the encounter, but she doesn't interrupt, "twice would probably have them scrambling to investigate me. I'd rather they didn't poke their noses in our business. So, we're going to skip the other sites in the main graveyards for now and hit up the ones out on the outskirts of town. We can start with the ones up by those caves. Hopefully, even with Oz's moon cursed nose telling them I'm not fully human they'll eventually bugger off." Unlikely, but a man can dream. Hmmm... maybe Amy should tell her parent that she's staying with a friend and sack out at Mrs. Bellevu's?
"No, I mean, here, at the hospital." oh. That.
"Thinking about Scooby Snacks gave me the munchies. I figured I'd swing through the local market on our way out to the caves." Amy still looks puzzled, so I lean in an explain in a whisper, "…I'm going to raid the blood bank. Wait here in the lobby with the bags okay?"
"Oh... Okay." Casual acceptance of lawlessness? Good Minion. You can have some of the Twinkies when I buy the case.
Having Amy along for this is quite helpful in a rather embarrassing way. The hardest part of the whole job is getting in the fucking building. It turns out that the automatic door sensors count as surveillance according to my tattoos which prickled right before I walked straight into the door the first time I did this. I had to wait for someone else to visit the hospital and trigger the doors. In Sunnydale. At night. It took a while for anyone to show up. After that, stealing some scrubs and following one of the surgical types into the elevator was relatively easy. Color coded scrubs for employees was a fantastic idea, it makes it so much easier for me to blend in appropriately.
I throw what little psychic power I can still manage into my requested, "Basement please," as I board the elevator behind a fellow green scrubs dude. I've found that I can manage to get people to go along with reasonable sounding requests fairly easily and, best of all, quickly, by nudging them with Thrall. Coworkers asking you to push the button seems to count as reasonable. For some reason, they still get… cranky… if I ask them to do while wearing civvies.
Gods I miss being able to just overpower people's minds with brute force. Not enough to regret the tattoos, especially since they've fended off three of those inexplicable magical pulses already, but still. Sandblasting soup crackers was nice while it lasted.
Once Mr. Green has swiped his badge and pressed the button, I repeat the trick on the guy working for the blood bank, "I need 10 packets of… B+ STAT," and add a new cooler full of blood to my growing collection of hospital coolers. So far as I can tell, the blood type doesn't seem to make any difference whatsoever, but then again father was never very good at tasting subtle differences in food flavors, so that may just be me. In any case, I haven't tried B+ yet.
I have to wonder how much longer this will work. Eventually someone will notice that the blood bank employees are all describing the same guy when explaining the missing packets right? Then again I won't show up on the security footage so who knows if they'll be believed. I change back into my black tee shirt and jeans and make my way out to the lobby. Speaking of clothing; I should get a leather trench coat, and then have it enchanted like Dresden's. I imagine bullets still hurt even if they can't kill me. Then again, I'm sure Grandfather and William would both accuse me of copying their style, and I'd never be able to explain that I'm actually stealing the style of a character from a book that hasn't been written yet. Ah well. Maybe a steel breastplate? It wouldn't actually be that heavy. Kind of conspicuous though.
"Hey Amy, time to go."
Amy looks at me funny, "Jack, why are you wearing a scrub cap?" oh. oops. I remove the offending article of headgear. This is what happens when I try to dress myself while daydreaming about enchanted trench coats.
"Not. A. Word." I decide Amy's laughter is a marked improvement over either the twitchy paranoia the night started with or the indignant silence our close call with Team Scooby produced.