Surprise, Surprise
"Bella, allow me to apologize again for allowing Edward into the facility. We hadn't done enough sessions together for me to pin him as a major problem for you. In fact, you didn't mention him at all. Why is that?" Carlisle's eyes were worn, fatigued. He slouched against the back of his chair with his notebook hanging loosely from his hand. He'd been the first one to find Bella in her hysterical mess after she'd shouted at Alice. And since Bella hadn't made a sound, she knew that Alice must have gone and told him or someone. That made her even angrier. What right did she have running off to Carlisle? None. But, like always, she just disregarded anything other than herself. Bella looked down, glowering at the lone, beastly bruise on her shin that resulted in the collision with the chair. Rage welled up inside of her. How could these people just have let him in? Why didn't Carlisle make it a requirement for appointments? Maybe if he'd done that then Bella would have told him about Edward…
…And maybe Rush Limbaugh would have banged a Mexican trannie.
"Edward's just…something I don't like to talk about it," she answered finally, playing with the stubble on her legs that came from a couple of days of not shaving. Carlisle's eyebrows rose and fell quickly as a knowing smile graced his thin lips.
"So I noticed. When you saw Edward in the visiting room yesterday, how did you feel? What was your first thought, first emotion?"
"I was scared, anxious. And I was curious why he was here. I thought that if he didn't come the first visitor's day he wasn't coming at all."
"Why were you anxious?"
Bella sighed, looking down at her shin again. Her ugly shin. Edward had made her perfectly fine shin ugly. Bastard. Carlisle flipped a page in his notebook and Bella noted that he was writing something down again. She didn't like that. It was too cliché psychologist and Bella felt that when he did that he wasn't really listening or caring about her.
"I don't like that," she said finally, addressing the hated notebook. Carlisle stopped writing and clicked the pen.
"Don't like what?"
"That," Bella answered, nodding her head towards the notebook. "The scribbling in the notebook while you're talking to me. I don't like that." Much to Bella's surprise, Carlisle gave a wide smile and literally threw the notebook over his shoulder. Bella's eyes widened as it landed roughly and with the sound of paper crushing. The pages were splayed out along the floor. Looking back up at Carlisle, she watched him pocket the pen then give her his full attention. Bella shrugged. Couldn't help but like what he'd just done. It made her feel important, as lame as that was.
"I'm sorry, Bella. Thank you for telling me."
"No problem."
"So, where were we?"
"Um…why I was anxious."
"Oh, yes. Please continue,"
Bella shrugged, looking past Carlisle and out the window. She didn't want to discuss Edward. Why did he keep bringing him up? Why did she keep bringing him up? Edward was her problem. She'd deal with it. No matter how much she didn't want to, she would deal with it. "I don't want to talk about him," she said finally, crossing her arms.
"Yes, you do. Otherwise you wouldn't have reminded me of the topic we were on," Carlisle answered simply. Bella scoffed, internally cursing the doctor. Maybe she wanted to talk about Edward. But she shouldn't. Carlisle didn't want to hear her problems. He just wanted his paycheck. She looked up at him to find that he was staring at her. Feeling defiant, she chose to stare back. They locked eyes for a few minutes before Carlisle finally looked down at his palms.
"You know, Bella, a lot of patients here have come from abusive pasts. Be it physical or emotional they have all been hurt. You're no different. I know you're hurting. And no matter how much you think it's your problem, you can't do it alone. The very fact that you're here proves that. But I can help you. And we can get through this together. Why were you anxious?"
Bella licked her lips, choosing to look away from the doctor and stare at the floor. For some reason she had tears in her eyes and she didn't like it. She didn't like that Carlisle had brought them on after some simple sentences. She didn't like that just by speaking about Edward she got hurt. Bella thought back to Edward's visit and what she felt when she first walked in and saw his face, expectantly waiting for her.
"It…it just felt like something was going to happen. Like, when you're walking down a dark hallway and either your friend or your enemy is going to jump out and scare you at the end. And I didn't know who it was going to be. It was that kind of feeling. Then it sort of got better because he was happy to see me. And I was happy that he was happy. But, he started doing…things, just little things that made me anxious again. It was like he was building up the suspense before he either hugged me or hit me. He ended up throwing me. And I just…I just felt like I was going to explode. Then even when he threw me I felt some release, because at least then I knew what he was doing and what he was going to do."
"Did you know deep down that he was going to be angry or hurt you, rather than be happy?"
"Probably…I mean that's the way it usually happens. I just keep hoping that one day he'll surprise me."
"And is it worth it? Is the abuse and torment and nerves worth it for the hope that one day he'll surprise you?"
"Well," Bella looked around nervously. She didn't like where this was going. There was a realization happening and she was scared of what it would bring. But for some reason she couldn't bring herself to stop. A new kind of anxious was filling her mind. The kind that was sure to bring a positive outcome, rather than an unknown one. "I guess I thought it was…"
"You thought? And now?"
"Now…it seems kind of stupid."
Carlisle smiled and Bella returned it, still unnerved by her admissions. She wasn't so sure about this. It was too new, out of her comfort zone. In fact, she was starting to feel very uncomfortable. The strange, new sensation was gone a sort of fear had taken over. She felt as if Edward had heard her admissions and was suddenly certain she'd get punished for it as soon as she left the office. Carlisle's head tilted slightly to the side and he rose from his chair and walked over to Bella, placing his palm on her forehead. "You're looking ill, Bella. Are you feeling okay?"
"Mm-mm," Bella answered through pursed lips. Her eyes then went wide and Carlisle reacted promptly by grabbing the trashcan and placing it under her chin just as she vomited. Bella placed her arms around the can and Carlisle let go to push her hair back. When she finished Carlisle took the can kneeled by her side, offering her a tissue box.
"That's enough for today, Bella. You've made a lot of progress. This feeling will go away. Just allow it to run its course."
Bella, having not heard a word, merely nodded as Carlisle helped her out of the chair. Her stomach was wrenching itself in knots and she couldn't feel her feet moving along the floor. But she could see the door. She could see it and focus on it. And she didn't want to go near it. However she couldn't seem to find the will to fight Carlisle. The door opened as they neared it and Esme stepped through. Carlisle must have called her without Bella noticing. Not that that would be that difficult to do given her current state. In spite of herself, Bella smiled as she saw her. Esme's warm face and manner always calmed her, no matter what kind of mood she was in. Of course, right now Bella would have taken anyone so long as it wasn't Edward. Esme smiled as she took Bella from Carlisle's grasp and held her tightly around the waist. They walked slowly down the hall, Bella feeling more and more uncoordinated as she went. She was dizzy but alert at the same time and every time they passed a room she was certain that she would see him glowering at her.
"Here you go, honey. Just lie in bed and relax. This will pass and you'll feel so much better," Esme soothed as she helped ease Bella onto her bed. Bella only nodded and welcomed the pillow that hugged her skull. Before Esme could say or do anything more, Bella was asleep, nightmares of Edward and dreams of another life running through her head.
The brunette awoke about an hour later and while she was certain she was awake, she decided to keep her eyes closed. She liked them closed and for some reason felt that she'd been awake for ages. It felt good to rest her eyes. Rest her eyes and not see the hospital or the patients or anything that would remind her of something she'd long since tried to forget. However, even with her closed lids she still couldn't cease the one adamant thought that plagued her mind. Edward. Edward was here. She was certain of it. He was here and he'd heard her and the next time she was alone, he would be here to finish what he'd started. In her heart of hearts Bella knew that there was no way it could possibly be true. But she couldn't stop the fear that welled within her. Edward was capable of so much. Much more than anyone in this godforsaken place could ever hope to know about. Bella clenched her eyelids, forcing herself to move onto another thought. Edward couldn't and shouldn't dominate her thoughts. Searching, she willed her mind to think of something, anything other than him.
Alice was the next thought. Of course it was. Why wouldn't it be? Bella huffed lightly, feeling guilty about going so crazy on the poor girl. It was established and had been for some time that Alice was not in the right state of mind and often had no idea what she was doing. But what she'd said was out of line. Bella knew that. And the pixie wasn't a puppy. So Bella needed to stop acting like it was so damn adorable and do something about it. Alice just couldn't sit there and toy with people like she did. She could be trained. That sounded horrible but it was the truth. She could be trained. Bella opened her eyes and realized she was facing the wall. That was it. It had to be done. She could no longer stand idly by and watch as this adorable young woman commanded her emotions. She'd taken that from Edward and she wouldn't take it from Alice. Feeling more than refreshed, Bella rolled over rather quickly. As she did, she felt her body bump something but had too much momentum going to stop herself. Whatever was in her bed toppled to the floor, smacking the hard tile.
"Ah-ha-how…" emphatically came the voice from the floor. Bella leaned over her bed and noticed the devil herself, Alice, lying on the floor. She sat up slowly, hissing as she did, and grabbed her head. "My poor head as been through more shit lately," she said with a quivering voice. Bella reached her hand out and placed a hand on the pixie's knee.
"I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't know you were there. Are you okay?"
"Uh-huh," she answered, lowering her head into her lap. Even though the reply was simple, Bella noticed that the poor girl was crying. It must have really hurt. Instantly, Bella was wracked with guilt. That whole 'standing up to the pixie' thing was suddenly ripped from her mind as she looked her over.
"Oh, Alice, come up here," Bella urged, reaching out to the girl, who took her head but kept her face lowered. With some maneuvering they were both back on the bed and facing each other. Alice had her face covering her hands and Bella could tell by her shoulder that she was still shaking with sobs but trying to overcome it. "Where does it hurt?" she whispered, placing her hand on the side of Alice's face.
The answer was muffled by Alice's hands but audible. "I hit the back of my head." Bella nodded even though the girl couldn't see her and sat up a bit to examine her head. Even with the short hair, Bella still couldn't see much so as lightly as she could, she ran her palm down the back of Alice's head. As soon as she felt her hand slide over a small knot, she heard Alice whimper and smiled as she bent over and kissed the top of her head. Her hair smelled like generic shampoo and whatever the detergent for the pillow cases was. It smelled nice.
"It's just a little knot, Alice. You're okay."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, ma'am, I am,"
Alice giggled, lowering her hands. "That rhymed." Bella returned the laugh and lowered herself back down to where she was facing the other girl. Her cheeks were vibrantly red and tearstained. Her eyes were also red and irritated and it made her already beautiful eyes stand out even more. Bella couldn't seem to focus on anything else.
"Only you could look so good after a sob-fest," Bella mentioned as she reached the sheet of her bed up to wipe Alice's eyes. Alice smiled and scoffed, pushing the sheet away to use her own hand.
"You lie,"
"Do not,"
"Do so,"
Bella sighed, knowing she was fighting a losing battle, and rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Alice." Alice nodded and it was quiet for a bit. Alice had taken the sheet in her hands and was toying with it, lacing it in and out of her fingers. Bella enjoyed watching her, mostly because she loved watching Alice's hands. They were petit but long and graceful. Together with the sheet they looked like they'd been sculpted by Rodin himself. She was enraptured by them. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and reached out, placing her hands on top of Alice's. Alice made no attempt to pull away and instead watched just as intently as Bella played with her hands. She ran her fingers up and down Alice's, laced and re-laced their hands, caressed the tops and bottoms. They were as soft as smoothed marble. Bella couldn't help but feel a bit jealous and blushed at the clamminess of her own hand and the repulsion of the cast that covered the other.
"So, how are you feeling after the visitor?" Alice whispered as she continued watching. Bella shrugged, exhaled slowly as she did.
"I talked to Carlisle. We discussed Edward and I feel better, but still a bit weirded out."
"Are you still in love with him?"
"It's…complicated."
"I see,"
"Alice…why did you say what you did?"
"What?" Alice looked up now, meeting Bella's eyes. Bella's hands stopped moving with Alice's and they were left sitting in her palms. Bella sighed again, her cheeks reddening.
"Why did you say I was weak? Do you really think that about me?"
"No, Bella, I don't think you're weak. I just…say things. You know me," she answered with a laugh.
"Sometimes I think I do. And other times, it's like we've just met all over again," Bella replied softly, her thumb stroking the top of the pixie's hand. Alice took her hand away and placed it over Bella's, so that she was holding one of Bella's in both of her own.
"I'm sorry for that. Believe me I am. If I could change in a second I would. I'm trying." She lowered her head, taking deep even breaths.
"I know you are," Bella answered. "And I have patience."
"Patience for what?"
"For whatever comes,"
Alice stopped and looked up at her. They stared at each other for a minute before Alice finally lifted Bella's hand to her face. Holding onto it by the fingers, she lifted her hand to her lips and kissed it softly. As she lifted up, she allowed her bottom lip to drag along the skin lightly. Bella exhaled, her breathing heavier than usual. Alice smiled just a bit and leaned forward. Bella closed her eyes, waiting expectantly. But instead of kissing her lips like Bella thought, Alice kissed her forehead, dragging her lips downward. She then kissed both of Bella's closed lids, her nose and the very corner of her lips. Bella gave another impatient exhale and listened as Alice giggled before peppering kisses on her jawbone, travelling lower to her neck. Bella lifted her good hand and ran it through the girl's shorter hair while minding the knot. It was so soft. Alice had begun to suck on her neck just above her collarbone and she could feel her heartbeat racing. Her lips had started aching in anticipation. She couldn't wait anymore.
"Alice," she called hoarsely. She didn't even have to finish her plea as the pixie lifted her head and quickly attacked Bella's lips. Her mouth instantly thanked her as she smiled and pushed harder against the other girl, rolling from her side to her back. As she did, Alice climbed on top of her, lying along Bella's much longer body, her smooth legs sliding up and down Bella's own. Bella moaned softly into Alice's mouth and slid her hand down Alice's back, feeling the soft curves. Alice broke the kiss and moved to Bella's neck again, her left hand running up and down the girl's side.
She tortured Bella there for a few moments before returning to her mouth. This time Bella was so excited that as soon as their lips met, she bit down softly on Alice's lower one. Alice stopped then, pulling away, her lip sliding back from between Bella's teeth. Bella watched as she sat up, lips swollen and hair a mess and turned to face away from her. "What's the matter, Alice?" Bella asked, sitting up also.
"I'm done," Alice answered plainly, hopping off of the bed.
"You're done?" Bella repeated skeptically.
"Yeah, I'm done." Alice then gave her a sweet smile and bounded over to her bed where she pulled out her sketchbook and proceeded to ignore the rest of the world. Bella bit down on her bottom lip and sat at the edge of the bed looking at the floor. She was done. Simple as that. Goddammit. Bella shook her head violently. How many times was she going to do this? Seriously? She looked over at the pixie again and groaned, feeling like she had in Carlisle's office. She was disgusted with Alice, disgusted with herself. She had to get out of here. Her casted hand started to ache and she relished in the feeling. More. She had to have more. Before Alice could turn the page of her sketchbook, she was out the door.
The halls were empty save for an orderly or two standing at either end of it. It was too quiet. So quiet that it stung her ears. She began humming to herself and headed to the room where group was usually held. She remembered there being a desk in there. Surely there was something she could find in there. As Bella walked through the door, she saw it just to her left and ran over to it. She grabbed for the first drawer she could find and attempted to wrench it open, only to find that it was stuck. Locked. She tried the other three to no avail. The pressure inside of her was welling up painfully and she began to cry. She looked around the room frantically for anything else. There were chairs but she didn't know what she could do with them. Giving up, she sat in one and began to sob as feelings of Edward, Alice, home and life coursed through her mind, reminding herself of what a failure she was. And here she thought she was getting better. So she was pathetic and stupid.
As she held her face in her hands, she felt a warm light coming into her eyes. Looking up, she squinted out the windows and noticed that the sun had decided to make an appearance today. The windows. Bella rose from her chair quickly and practically leapt toward them, attempting to unlatch them. She was unsuccessful but remained firm. Slowly, she placed a hand on the glass. It was normal sized glass… easy enough. Bella lowered her hand and eyed the both of them. The casted hand would hurt worse but she didn't want to injure it further and deem it entirely unusable. So, the right hand would have to do. Bella lifted it and watched as she slowly balled it into a fist. Then she took a step back from the window and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath before sent her fist flying toward the window, waiting for the sound of broken glass. But it did not come.
Nor did the pain come. Rather, her fist was stopped short by someone. Knowing that she was about to get into some serious trouble, Bella hesitantly opened her eyes. Her wrist was being held by a strong, dark tan hand. Jacob. Slowly, she looked up at him, and winced at the glare he was giving her. "The fuck do you think you're doing, emo? Huh? I should kick your ass now and show you some real fucking pain!" Clearly, he was livid and Bella shied away from him as best as he could with his grip on her hand. He held it tighter and she let out a soft groan. Then she felt herself falling backwards. She caught herself but quickly noticed that Jacob had let her go. He stood staring at her now, his growing bright with a couple of tears. "I'm…sorry," he murmured, looking at his own hand before driving it through the window himself. He grunted in pain and fell to a squatting position in the floor, holding it. Bella stood watching him, unsure of what to do. And suddenly, the pressure was gone. And her comfort zone was back. She recognized this, remembered this. And she knew what she usually did. She squatted down next to Jacob and grabbed his bleeding hand. It didn't look as if it was cut all that badly but it was swelling.
"Jacob," she murmured. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. You were just trying to help me. I'm the stupid one. And I'm sorry." Jacob looked up and smiled at her before he turned his head towards the doorway. The shattering glass had sounded the orderlies and their quick footsteps were fast approaching. Jacob chuckled and nudged Bella away from him. "Get outta here, emo. You don't need to be in anymore trouble. Take the doorway over there." He nudged his head toward the left and Bella followed his eyes.
"I kind of like getting in trouble," she teased, winking at him. Jacob smiled again but also nudged her again
"Do as I say and get out of here," he commanded. Bella stood obediently and jogged towards the door. Before she left, she stole one more glance back and noticed for the first time that, when the light was shining through the windows like that, Jacob Black was a very attractive man.