Plot Bunny: Without hope, one is only half alive.

Hope

Without hope, one is only half alive. What did that make him then. He sure as hell didn't have any hope but he didn't have anything else either. With out Optimus there was no living. Not that the Autobot leader was dead or anything like that. So far as Sam knew he was alive it was just him that was missing. The people who worked in the government hadn't liked how close he'd been to the Autobots. How loyal he'd been. So they had taken him and now he didn't know where he was. He didn't even know if Optimus and the others were looking for him. He liked to think that they were. That they still hoped even though he didn't anymore.

He'd been hopeful at first but now all he wanted was for everything to end and it was going too. Sam blinked bleary eyed as he watched the ribbon of red run down his wrists. It was stupid he supposed. To be doing this when he knew that there were easier ways. Pills for instance. He had a lot of pills half of them with names he couldn't pronounce. Some were for pain and others were for some mental illness that people in white lab coats thought he had. Maybe they were right. But this in a way was their fault. They had taken him away from Optimus.

From a love so deep and pure that those who didn't know of it seemed damned. He hadn't lived until he'd loved Optimus. Nothing had truly mattered before that even though it had seemed too. But now there was nothing. Just a life not worth living anymore and a way or two to get rid of it. He'd left no note stating his reason for doing this. If they didn't know why already then they didn't disserve to know. But still he had hoped at first and for the past month or maybe it had been a year, he couldn't tell anymore, he had lived a half life.

Now that half life was running red onto the bathroom floor. It was actually very pretty now that he thought about it. How the red stained the white floor with a slowly growing ribbon of color. He missed color or well certain colors. The men that had taken him had stripped his world of any color that could remind him of the Autobots. So needless to say his world had become very dull. No color, no computer, no cell phone, and most defiantly nothing electronic that had even the remote possibility of being used to make contact.

They wanted him as separated as separated could be. Hell he didn't even have a TV. but he did have a razor. That single razor was all he had needed to make things in his less than life, life all better. Now all he had to do was wait for that slow decent into the sweet arms of death and then the pain he'd suffered since they'd been separated would be gone. Oh, he had suffered. There was a reason why newly bonded were never far apart for very long.

The people who had taken him did know that though. They didn't know that prolonged separation between bonded caused both to suffer a great deal of pain. It was so much worse when the bond was new and weak. Theirs had barley been a week old and every day the pain had increased. Not even the highest caliber pain pills had been able to take the hurt away. Nothing had not even in sleep had he been able to escape though his dreams bought on a different type of suffering. Death and failure. He dreamed of his bonded falling in battle any and every battle those of past truths and possible futures or random imaginings.

Every dream Optimus would fight and fall. Optics fading to black and just after that he'd be taken never to see the light of day again. The only time he'd see any others in his dreams was when they too were killed by the devils hand or by the hand of his demons. Sam blinked as a warm feeling entered his mind. There was something familiar about it but the memory had been cut from his mind by time, pain, and medication. It felt almost like something was reaching for him. Whatever it was wanted him to hold on to wait a little longer before he let death take him. He made no promises. Besides why fight what was already happening.

A strange type of satisfaction filled him when he realized he couldn't pick up his head anymore. His mind began to wonder as his breathing slowed. How come none of the white coats knew that he was dyeing. Then the answer came to him. He'd known it all along. They didn't give a rats ass about him. They only cared about the big fat checks they were getting for doing as they were told. They'd probably use his suicide against the Autobots and for a second he felt bad for doing that to them but that thought to was swept away.

Sam blinked and his eyes wandered around the bathroom. He couldn't tell if things had gotten blurry or not. How could he when everything in the room was white. Well almost everything. His blood was still red or at least he hoped it was because he didn't have the strength to look down and see. Sam blinked again one last time before he let his eyes drift shut. He was ready for everything to end. But there was still that feeling in the back of his mind that had been getting stronger even though the rest of him was getting weaker. He still couldn't remember what it was.

Sam wondered what would happen if he attempted to touch that feeling. Would it go away or would it get stronger? Was it even there at all? Dredging up what little energy he had left Sam reached for the feeling in the back of his mind. Had he been able to he would have gasped but the only sound he was able to hear was a eerily quiet breath of air. He did know this feeling and it had a name and a face. More than one face depending on the situation.

He'd known this being before he'd been taken. It was a being that he loved more than anything else in the world. The being who's absence had pushed him to taking a blade to his wrists. The name that made it's way past his lips in a barley there whisper was one he'd spoken a million times before.

"Optimus." For the briefest of second the tiniest spark of hope was ignited and this time it stayed.

oOo

He was running out of time. Out of hope for finding Sam alive or finding Sam at all. He knew better than to doubt the feeling in his spark that screamed his spark mate was near but he still had his doubts. Sam had been taken from him and had been hidden far too well for far too long. He'd been a fool to assume that Sam would be okay with him gone. It was only for a day or two, three at the most. Sam would be fine until then.

The week old bond had been strong enough and the presence of other Transformers would help lesson the slight pain that Sam would feel from his absence. He'd gotten back and Sam had been gone. At first he had thought Decepticon but it wasn't long before it became apparent that Sam's kidnapping had happened by human hands. The search that had followed had been frantic. His kind knew well what tended to happen when a new bond was stressed too much too soon. He knew the separation would be harder on Sam then it would be on him.

Not that he hadn't suffered. He'd spent many a lonely night with his spark calling out to its other only to have no reply come. He worked himself far to hard and more often than not Ratchet had been forced to put him into a much needed recharge. But now he dared to hope as that feeling grew stronger with every passing moment. As he got closer to his other.

He knew that Sam wouldn't be in good shape but the gentle tide of wavering emotions that he was getting through the bond worried him. That was far to little even if Sam was sleeping. He highly doubted that the boy was because the emotions were getting weaker by the second. He didn't even look at the building he was in front of as he stopped and his holoform avatar activated. He was at the door in seconds running at top speed and then forcing himself to go faster. If he was too late he'd never forgive himself. Optimus ignored the elevator completely preferring to take the stairs.

He didn't have time to wait every second that tide seemed to be a little further away. He vaguely wondered why he hadn't ran into any people yet but he really couldn't bring himself to care. Reaching the desired floor Optimus ran through the door knocking down a woman as she passed. He apologized without even stopping and the woman as if sensing his urgency didn't say a thing. Blue eyes flicked from door to door in a frantic search. He could practically see through them thanks to the bond. Anything Sam had touched often would give off a type of energy and that energy could be picked up by his avatars eyes. There. He'd found the room.

The handle twisted when he tried to open the door but that was all. The door was locked. Optimus had forced it open within seconds. The smell that assaulted his nose as soon as he stepped in would have made him gag had he been human and the sight that greeted his eyes when he finally found Sam would have bought tears to his eyes. Blood. So much blood that it couldn't be healthy.

"Sam!" Optimus called the boys name as he hit the floor next to Sam's still form. Hands already moving to the closest piece of fabric he could find.

Optimus was careful as he wrapped one of the white hand towels around the first slit wrist. He needed to find something to hold it closed so he could take care of the other wrist. Eyes darted around the room only to land on the belt to Sam's pants moments later. That would work. Optimus swallowed hard as he worked on securing the belt around the cloth before he moved to Sam's other wrist. Sam had been desperate enough to try and kill himself. Even thinking about Sam like that while the boy lay bleeding next to him felt wrong.

This bleeding child wasn't the Sam he knew. The Sam he knew would never fall to this level. But the Sam he knew would have never given up hope either.

"Open your eyes Sam. Please Sam." Optimus' voice was pleading as he pulled off his own belt to help secure the second cloth. Much to his surprise Sam's eyes opened for the briefest of seconds before closing again. Something that sounded like a last breath whispered past his lips and following that a single name.

"Optimus." Looking at the boy he now held in his arms Optimus dared to hope.

Authors Note's for 13

Weee. Suicide or at least attempted. Is it a bad thing that this chapter actually kinda made me happy. I like torturing my favorite characters. Ya I'm mean that way. Just look at all the weird crap that I think of with these plot bunnies. I could probably turn a totally non violent bunny into something like this. But this bunny just seemed to scream at me. Kill him or at least attempt to and I did and so far as you guys know he did live. Now back to my random idea's. Oh the separation idea was not given birth to by me. I just adopted it. The idea's from this really good fanfic that I can't remember the name of where Sam and Bee are together and the government separates them and Sam slits his wrists or maybe he overdoses and kills himself and Bee and them arrive to late to save him. Only in mine he might just live. The key word is might.