A/N: So I thought I'd post one more chapter before I got really busy with school. (First day of college tomorrow!) so, here you go. I'll try to get another one up during my break tomorrow, but if not, you'll get it sometime later this week. Thank you a ton for reviewing. They totally make me day and a special thinks to TCatCouture, they wrote me like a paragraph and that's so so so nice, and totally appreciated so thanks. Anywhooo here's the chapter. Oh and Review!
After I got home, I spent some time with Renee, but she was much less obvious than Charlie and it wasn't horrible to have someone to talk to. So I wasn't irritated or angry. I was just spending time with my mother. She asked me about the scars and I told her, I told her absolutely everything right down to choosing between Jacob and Edward. She said she'd liked to meet them both. I said, I could hardly get them to stay in the same room together. Renee told me that she was glad that I'd followed my heart and that she knew I was going to get better because I'd made a definite decision. She suspected that the reason, I'd be so incredibly messed up was because my heart hadn't decided what it wanted so it was torn in two places. It made sense. But that didn't stop her from finding me a therapist. But that was okay. I could live with that. I could make up something to tell a therapist if that's what it took to let everyone know that I was okay again. If that's what it took for Edward to be in a relationship with me again, I'd do it.
I made dinner for everyone, chicken alfredo pasta because it was one of my mom's favorites. After dinner, I approached Charlie who was intently watching the game, as my mother lay, half-asleep on the couch with a book open on her stomach. I smiled to myself, so this is what it would've been like if Charlie and Renee had stuck it out. I had to admit, we made quite the cute family…or at least they did, maybe it would've been better, minus the crazy daughter.
"Dad?" I asked lightly, my gaze following his own to the television. I couldn't even tell you what game they were playing let alone, the teams. They were men in uniforms chasing a ball. Did it matter?
"Yeah, Bells?" Charlie asked, looking up at me. I bit down on my lip and then let it all out in one breath. "I was just wondering if maybe I could have Jacob over. I promise he'll be gone by 10, it's just, I have a lot I should tell him. I don't want to leave him hanging."
"Sure." Charlie said, his eyes returning back to the television, I thought he was just glad that I hadn't asked if Edward could come over. I made a pit stop to the phone on the way to my room, calling Jacob and asking for him to come over. He said he didn't have too long. Sam was sending him out on patrol. I told him that that was alright. That it wouldn't take long. I was already feeling guilty.
I trudged up to my room, planting myself on my bed. When did this getting better thing actually get better? I pulled up my sleeves, staring at my scars, satisfied that I felt no urge to make more. I was half-disgusted by them now. I'd ruined almost everything in my life because of them. I pulled down my sleeve, leaning back on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I was about to become the world's worst person. I was about to break Jacob Black's heart. I heard him come through my window and I couldn't help but laugh. I sat up on my bed, smiling at him.
"Why is it that no one who comes to see me, uses the front door?" I raised a brow at him, as he shrugged, standing about a foot from where I was sitting on my bed. He looked anxious, anxious and tired. Hello, guilt, thank you for returning. I let out a sigh and turned away from him, I was losing my courage. I wasn't sure I could do this anymore.
"What did you need to talk about, Bella?" His voice was trembling with excitement, and my stomach plummeted. He thought I was ready to be in a relationship with him. I bit down on my lip, closing my eyes, shaking my head slightly.
"Jacob, I'm so sorry." I whispered, opening my eyes, to look at him.
He was shaking his head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. "No. Bella, No, don't' say that. Don't."
"I bit down hard on my lip, shaking my own head along with his. "I wish I didn't have to Jacob, You know I hate hurting you."
"Then stop doing it." He said through his teeth. I sighed, running a hand through my hair. This was the worst. I had no idea how I was going to do this.
"Jake, let me explain." I said softly, standing and taking a few steps closer. "It's...really complicated…and I didn't even figure it out until today but..," I sighed, biting my lip, "You are the natural path my life would've taken, if Edward hadn't existed. That's true. I believe that but…Jacob he DOES exist, and I have to believe that he exists for a reason. He's meant to be with me and I him. I love you Jacob, I really really do and if things were different, we'd have such a chance…and sometimes I wish they were different, because sometimes, I can picture us. I can see it. Us growing old together, watching our children run and play in our front yard, with the white picket fence." I shook my head, sighing again. "But Jake…he's my soul mate." I finished in a whisper.
He stared at me, tears running down his cheeks, I'd never seen him this hurt before. I didn't think he'd ever cried in front of me before.
"How do you know that?' He said through his teeth. "How do you know that he's your soul mate? Why can't I be your soul mate?" He was so hurt and it was written all over his face, but I had to do this. I had to end this. I had to get my life back on track.
I watched him for a long moment and then the words spilled from my mouth like acid. "I can't live without him, Jacob."
His eyes snapped up to look at me. "But you can live without me?" He asked his voice breaking at the end.
I closed my eyes, the waves of pain he was shooting at me were making me feel sick. "I don't want to. I don't want to have to live without you, but if that's what it comes to…I can. But I don't want to. I want you to be my best friend."
Jacob let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "You are ridiculous, Bella, you know that? You can't tell me you love me and take my virginity and then tell me you choose him. How can you even say that? After everything we've been through together?" His voice sounded so sad. I wanted to hold him, but I didn't think he'd let me at this point.
"Jake, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have….that should've never happened. I was confused and that's no excuse but…I am so sorry. I do love you. I really do, it's just..."
"Not enough?" He finished for me. I let out an annoyed sound, I was so frustrated, I wish he could just feel what I was feeling. I wish he could just understand.
"I'm sorry. I can't tell you anything else but I'm sorry. I'd love it if you would still be my friend. You're the greatest friend I've ever had and I would prefer if I didn't have to live without you. You're important." I finished, staring up at him.
He stared back at me, I could practically see the thoughts forming in his head, but I had no idea what his decision would be, part of me, really hoped and thought that he would be alright. That he would want to be friends. That most of this wouldn't matter.
"No. I won't watch you be with him. I won't watch you be happy with him. I won't do it. This, you and me, it's over. I am not your best friend, and since you haven't acted like one for months, you're off the hook there. Have a nice life, Bella." He said, making his way quickly to my window, once he was half way out of it, he turned back to look at me. "I hope he makes you miserable." He whispered, before disappearing into the blackness that was night. I wasn't sure how long I stayed in that spot staring at my window, but I knew that Edward came through it eventually, and forced me to lay down. I cried for hours, or at least that's what it felt like. It could've been seconds, or minutes, or days, I really couldn't calculate time at the moment. After I'd finished crying, I snuggled against Edward's chest sniffing.
He sighed looking at me, "Bella, are you alright? Did you make the wrong choice?' He asked, sounding completely non chalant. He was trying to make it okay, if I wanted Jacob.
I shook my head, "No…that was…that was it. I…I just had to let go of him." Edward leaned down and kissed my forehead. "It's alright, Bella. It's all going to be…alright." He was quiet for a long moment and I had started to drift off to sleep but his voice so loud and clear, and speaking insanity stopped me.
"Will you marry me?"