Chapter 12: Heartache Tonight
For the rest of October I lived in a bubble of denial. Every morning, I woke up, threw up under the silencio charm so as not to wake the girls, deflated the bags under my eyes and carried on as usual. I went to my lessons, did my homework on the night it was set, went shifting with the others and cried myself to sleep. And then the whole rotten routine started all over again.
"Are you all right Rosie?" Becky asked in her quiet voice in Charms on the second Friday of November.
I almost jumped out of my seat; I had been thinking how obvious it would be in the coming months that I was pregnant.
"I'm fine thanks, Becks." I lied dully.
Her forehead creased reproachfully at me but she continued writing again, this time angling her paper subtly so I could see her notes over her shoulder. I forced a smile at her when she looked pointedly at me and then back down at her notes and I began copying the notes that I had been too distracted to write down.
That day passed as painfully slowly as all the others had and I drifted numbly from classroom to classroom until I found myself in the common room that night at 1 o clock in the morning with James, Albus, Scorpius, Sarah, Becky and Dom. Danny had been here but him and his best mate Steve had gone to sneak into the Three Broomsticks to get some Butterbeers.
"You wouldn't believe the amount of Arithmancy homework I've got." James said to start the conversation going. We had been sat in sleepy silence for the last five minutes.
Sarah shifted in her seat between James and Albus to wake herself up but instead rested her head on Albus' shoulder, eyes fixed on the fire. Becky tried to stifle a yawn from on the floor in front of the fire.
"I hear you, mate. You should see my Transfiguration notes." Scorpius said from on one of the squishy armchairs.
"Oh it's mental isn't it... for us mere mortals. Rose has been doing all her homework the night it's set." Dom teased from another armchair. I looked up in shock from my position on the floor with my back resting against Scorpius' chair.
"I've had nothing else to do." I said, hearing how dull I sounded in my own voice.
"We should get out more. The shifting really should be a weekly thing; it'd help with my aggression." Dom replied, baring her teeth in a psychotic smile to show she was joking. James smiled sleepily with his eyes closed and leaned into Sarah, who automatically put her arm around him so he could lie with his head on her shoulder more comfortably.
"Hear, hear." Albus said drowsily and the room that contained only us seven lapsed into more comfortable silence.
After a minute I felt Scorpius' gentle fingers running through my hair, teasing it into a loose plait. I relaxed and closed my eyes and must have drifted off for a while because when I awoke again the guys were talking. I kept my eyes shut tight and listened carefully.
"Is Ro asleep?" I heard Scorpius deep voice sound from just behind me, continuing to soothe my stressed head with his cool fingertips.
"Think so." Replied a dozy-sounding Albus.
"What's been up with her recently?" Scorpius continued in a quieter voice, still stroking my hair lightly.
"What do you mean?" Sarah asked quickly, sounding slightly more alert than before.
"Well lately she's been a bit..." He trailed off.
"She's not herself." Dom finished for him.
"I've been thinking that too." Becky said thoughtfully from somewhere to my right.
"She's probably just worn out from all the work she's been doing." James said, sounding slightly uncomfortable.
"That's probably it, you know." Sarah added, teaming up with James.
"Well I don't buy it. She's always been tired from all the work she does and she's never been so...passive. For instance, the other day Amy was obviously referring to Hugo when she was talking about 'some redheaded boy who had about as much quidditch talent as a flobberworm' and Rose didn't say anything. I did obviously, but that's not the point. If she'd said that any other time Rose would have eaten her for breakfast!" Dom argued her case quietly, so as not to 'wake' me.
"I agree, that is weird." Albus said sagely.
"I think I might know what's wrong with her." Becky said softly. I stiffened internally and waited.
"Go on..." Sarah and James said together, sounding equally panicked.
"Well think about it... a few weeks ago Rose said about her boobs getting bigger all of a sudden didn't she girls?"
"Yes..." Dom said slowly.
"And then she became ill and started throwing up in the mornings... and on Monday morning I was awake and I saw her being sick again." Becky said, obviously biting her lip.
My heart almost stopped beating and Scorpius' fingers stopped massaging my scalp suddenly.
"You think she's pregnant?!" He asked, trying to sound casual but failing miserably.
"Shh! Don't wake her..." Becky said anxiously.
"That's ridiculous. Who's slept with Rosie recently for a start?" Albus asked as if that proved his point.
Becky and Dom went silent very abruptly; suddenly both realising that I was indeed pregnant, and in unison twigging that the boy with his hands tangled in my hair was the father. I remembered that I'd told Dom the morning after I'd slept with Scorpius and that Becky and Sarah had found out later. Sarah and James on the other hand had lapsed into panicked stillness, silently deliberating what to say next.
I waited for Scorpius to wonder aloud whether he was the father, but he was far too smart for that, not knowing that all but Albus of the people in the room knew that he had slept with me and now knew that he was indeed the father.
"Has Freddie had sex with her recently?" Scorpius asked suddenly, sounding as if he had tried to stifle the question but failed.
"I don't know." Dom replied, sounding quizzical herself.
"So we actually think she's pregnant?!" Albus asked in utter disbelief.
"Yes." Becky replied almost soundlessly after a full minute's silence.
"Dom?" Albus asked in complete incredulity at her answer.
"Sounds like it." Dom said, sounding surprised at her own answer.
"What about you, Sare?" Albus asked next, in horror.
"I don't know." She replied simply. I blessed her from the bottom of my heart at that moment.
"James?" Albus asked.
"I wouldn't like to say." James said loyally. A rush of love for my cousin came forth then and I felt almost tearful.
"What do you think, Scorpius?" Dom asked suddenly while Albus sat in shocked silence.
"I don't know what to think anymore." Scorpius sighed after a few minutes, sounding utterly depressed.
That's when I really felt tearful.
"What are we going to do about it?" Becky asked anxiously a few minutes later. I breathed deeply to feign sleep and it must have worked because everyone had raised their voices slightly from the hushed whispers of before.
"Here, fetch us the Hoover, I'll sort it." James said cheerfully, trying to inject some humour into the situation.
"What can we do about it?" Dom sighed, ignoring our cousin.
"We don't even know for sure yet guys; don't get ahead of yourselves." Albus said quickly.
"Oh come on Albus, even I'm pretty sure she is now. Think about how bouncy and bubbly she is usually, and for the last two months she's been depressed as hell, with bags the size of Hogwarts under her eyes!" Scorpius said, sounding irrationally annoyed. "It's only Sarah and James now that refuse to give their opinions on it!" He added accusingly.
"Just because we don't have opinions on it!" Sarah replied.
"Please don't try that, Sare. You know Rose best and you've been pretty damn tight lipped about what's really wrong with her! So either you're just stupid or you think we're stupid!" Scorpius said to her, sounding uncharacteristically angry. I was shocked – Scorpius and Sarah always got on really well.
"Oi! Don't you fucking dare talk to her like that!" James barked fiercely, forgetting to keep his voice down and from the sound of it, attempting to get to his feet.
"No, Scorpius is right!" Sarah protested in a loud voice, over Scorpius and James.
"So you do know something?!" Dom spat heatedly, also growing louder.
Suddenly I couldn't listen to it anymore. I jumped to my feet.
"Shut up all of you!" I yelled, not troubling to keep my voice down. There was immediate shocked silence –even James and Sarah hadn't known I was awake. Everyone looked up at me.
"Well...is it true?" Albus asked as calmly as possible after a second of me glaring and them all looking up at me with wide eyes.
"Yes, unfortunately it bloody is!" I replied.
"What the fuck, Rose? You shouldn't be keeping stuff like this quiet!" Dom hissed, trying to keep her voice low, although I'd already cast Muffliato around the room when we started talking.
Scorpius stared at me with shock in his baby blues, and another emotion I didn't try to decode at that point.
"How could you let this happen?" Scorpius asked sounding disappointed.
Suddenly I felt the tears welling up again...how would I ever be able to tell him if he was disappointed in me like this? Oh no...Don't cry, Rose, for gods sake don't cry...
"It takes two to tango." James parroted my words at Scorpius from all those weeks ago, still looking somewhat fierce on Sarah's behalf. James's words were full of meaning as he glared at the father of my unborn child – maybe my baby-daddy didn't know it yet, but James wasn't going to forget or forgive him anytime soon.
"You sound awfully bloody calm about this James; you would have hit the roof any other time! You knew didn't you?!" Dom snapped at James. Sarah opened her mouth to defend him but Dom rounded on her instead.
"Don't try and defend him. You're no better! You helped Rose lie to us!" She said aggressively.
"I was obviously going to tell you!" I protested in their defence.
"What, when you got so big you couldn't hide it?" Scorpius snapped. He was definitely sore about something other than the fact that I hadn't told him but I couldn't put my finger on what.
"Guys..." Becky said weakly, looking from my tear-filled eyes to the angry face of Dom, the frown on James' face and Scorpius' moody glares. She was our friendly neighbourhood diplomat, other than Albus, and was trying hard by the look on her face to diffuse the tension in the room.
"Did you know about this too?" Dom asked, apparently on a rampage as she looked down at her best friend.
"No of course I didn't!" Becky snapped, for once sounding angry. Dom looked surprised and tried to retrace her steps.
"No...Of course you didn't. Err...sorry." She said sheepishly. "But I expected better of you two!" She added to James and Sarah.
"And you!" She added to me.
And to my horror, she shot me a reproachful, angry look and with that, stormed up to the Girls dormitory.
We watched Dom leave in a slow-motion kind of horrified silence – she'd never lashed out at us like that before. Her feisty temper usually exploded outwards. James stood up and pulled me into a hug and I began sobbing. The worst part is that I could hear the heartbreak in my own crying... and so could everyone else.
I'd always thought heartbreak was when a thirteen year old girl got in over her head and got hurt by a boy, but I never thought I could feel so bad just because one of the most important people in my life wasn't there to support me. James quickly wrapped me in his embrace and Becky scrambled to her feet and patted my shoulder awkwardly until James released me and I flung myself into her arms. James went back to sit by Sarah, who was looking up at me sadly, as if guilty she had done something wrong by me. James sat beside her and pulled her towards him and they sat together, her encircled in his arms as he patted her arm comfortingly. For once his comforting hug was reciprocated by her and she threw her arms around his chest and leant on his shoulder. She closed her eyes as if exhausted and just rested there.
I'd been stupid to think I was the only one being affected by keeping this secret.
Over Becky's shoulder I saw Albus get up and when Becky went over to see Scorpius, Albus came to stand in front of me and looked down at me sadly.
"I'm so sorry, Ro." And then I was off blubbing again and I was in his arms crying like the baby I would have.
He held me at arms length suddenly and I hiccoughed and wiped my eyes.
"Rose, who is the father?" Albus asked very seriously.
Oh Christ…
"Is it Freddie?" Scorpius suddenly asked.
"Maybe" I lied tearful, trying to sound thoughtful rather than coy. I would rather he think I were a slag than have to tell him that he was going to be a father. He was far too angry to accept any news lightly.
And with that, Scorpius stormed out of the common room and I was again left feeling lonely.
James
Albus, Sarah and I slept down in the common room that night. As soon as Rose had watched Scorpius go, she drifted up to bed accompanied by Becky, mumbling some excuses. Sarah would have gone with them, and I would have certainly gone to bed if Sarah hadn't fallen asleep in my arms.
Any other night I would have kicked Albus out of the room and enjoyed the heat of her body on mine in solitude, allowing myself to think testosterone-fuelled thoughts that I probably shouldn't be thinking, but tonight there were more pressing matters than my desperate, unrequited love. Once I'd made sure she was asleep, I turned to Albus, who was sprawled out over one of the armchairs, hair tousled and long legs hanging over the side of the chair.
"Why d'you think Scorpius was so pissed off?" I asked.
"Because he thinks Rose's been sleeping with Freddie already." Albus replied sounding old before his years.
"Oh. Why would that piss him off?" I asked.
"Because he's almost as obsessed over Rose as you are over Sarah." Albus replied with a sigh.
"Oh shut it." I advised, irritated that everyone could see it but her.
"Well it's true, Jay. Look at you; you're practically drooling over her right now." Albus said quietly.
"Well...whatever." I replied lamely. "Back to the matter at hand. I didn't know Scorpius liked Rose?" I asked to get off the subject of my painfully obvious obsession.
"Oh yeah, he's liked her since First year. He'd just about worked up the balls to say it to her when Freddie asked her out in Fifth year." Albus said matter-of-factly. "He was gutted." He added.
"Jesus. I didn't know that. Surely he can't think the baby is Freddie's?" I asked before realising my mistake and screaming internally.
"Not that it isn't." I added quickly, trying to eat my words.
"It isn't though, is it?" Albus asked, looking me straight in the eyes.
"I have no idea." I lied as convincingly as possible.
"Bollocks. You knew before we did and I can't see you or Sarah dropping the subject until Rose had told you who the daddy is. Because it is Scorpius isn't it?" My brother replied, never ceasing to amaze me with his intelligence.
"Where did you get an idea like that?" I asked, shocked.
"It doesn't take a genius. Look at her reaction when he asked her who the father was; like a deer in headlights. Plus I saw them the night of your party getting off on the sofa... Rose was off her face." Albus explained sensibly.
"She was off her face?" I asked, wondering why he hadn't said Scorpius was too.
"Yeah, he was a bit tipsy but she was already leading him to bed and he's completely besotted with her. I don't think he took much persuading, though I'd like to think he at least pretended to put up a fight." He pulled a face to show he was concerned with our cousin's honour. "He doesn't know I know by the way, and it's only a theory. Am I right?" He replied.
I was gobsmacked; I must have got the looks because he obviously got the brains. Although unfortunately he got the looks too, with Dad's emerald eyes and slight frame.
Sometimes god gives with both hands apparently, worst luck.
"Yes. You're right. It's Scorpius." I said, not seeing a point to lying –he'd find out anyway.
"Hmm. What's she going to do?"
"I think she's got to keep it...the walls have ears as we well know." I said.
"How does she feel about that?"
"Well I think she'd rather she never put herself in this position, with Scorpius' help obviously, but I don't think she could have a...y'know." I said uncomfortably.
"Yes, I see. I doubt she could have it put up for adoption either."
"It would be so hard in so many ways." I said, realising me and Albus had never had this deep a conversation.
"Well, she's got us whatever she decides hasn't she." He stated. I nodded and stroked Sarah's back as she pressed her chest against mine in her sleep, sending pleasurable shivers down my spine. This action didn't go unnoticed by Albus.
"What are you going to do about your little situation then?" He asked, nodding his head towards her.
"Only the gods know. I wish I could stop feeling this way about her... it'd be so simple if I really loved Amy, if I could stand her company it would be a start. But I love being in love with Sarah. She makes me happy. She makes all of me happy." I said, thinking of her heart beating in time with mine.
"You've never been so soppy, James." Albus said, apparently surprised that I had deep feelings for anyone.
Why was everyone so bleedin' surprised that I was still absolutely smitten? It's not only girls that suffer the agony of unrequited love!
God, I sound like a 12 year old girl, even in my head.
"Yeah, well..." I said, ignoring my soppy thoughts as Sarah moved her hand from on my shoulder to fling it around my waist, holding me tighter against her.
Jeeeeeesus, this really isn't fair...
Albus didn't know how much of a wreck I was when Sarah broke my heart (God I sound pathetic) and I don't intend for him to ever find out. I only hope that he never feels the pain of it himself.
At least I know Scorpius and I have something else in common, although it's no consolation to me.
"Can I have your bed Jay? My back's killing me." Albus said after some sleepy moments. I nodded and Albus left me alone, holding the girl I would always want and need as my own.
A/N: ENORMOUS thanks to everyone who reviewed! MEANS SO MUCH.
To Katy-kat15 –Thank you so much… yeah I totally agree about James! Your comments made me hug myself in happiness…I'm sad like that.
HalfBloodBanana – I cackled in ecstasy like an old crone when I read your comments. Loving the name as well!
FishCustard with Gingers – I was so distracted by your hilarious and very weird name that I had to read your review three or four times to take it in. Obviously doesn't take much to distract me! :D
I read EVERY SINGLE REVIEW to the point of obsession. I'm cool like that. I also check out everybody's profile who reviews, because some people's wit makes me laugh. I love it.
Please do your bit and review, and I will continue to do my bit by putting on Fleetwood Mac and entering Rose's world :)
-Sarita x