Chapter 13: Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth
"Tell me your convoluted stories through half-rotten mouth,I will decipher them, to tell the world of your heart,how beautiful things can come from the dark"
She had always been afraid of the dark.
Bonnie Bennett was five years old when she realized that bad things happened in the dark, bad, horrible and ugly things. She was five years old when she realized that all the light in the world would not be able to drown out the darkness of her bedroom at night, would not be able to drown out the darkness of her nightmares.
Bad things happened in the dark, bad things happened to her in the dark.
She saw things. Every night since she could remember Bonnie Bennett would go to bed with a weight on her chest, every night she would go to bed knowing that it would happen again.
Every night since she could remember she would see them burning.
Alone and submerged in the dark, the only light provided was the blinding light of a fire so strong, she felt the heat burn her insides. She smelt the charring scent of burning flesh that consumed her senses. But it was the screams that kept her awake at night, the screams of women, begging for relief, begging for death, begging to end it all.
She heard the screams of her ancestors, her lineage, her blood. The curse of the Bennett witches.
They never told you something's. There was no guide on how to be a witch, no one to tell you what to do, and no one to tell you what not to do. What they did tell you is that you have been blessed with wonderful power, the power to protect all the people you care about, the power of nature at your finger tips. You were told that you were a servant of nature.
What they did tell you was every single stumble, every challenge, every experience in your life was only intended for one purpose: to bring you back to your origin, nature. Every loss, every win, every beauty, every fall, and every cruelty was only intended to unveil another barrier between you and the earth, between you and where you once began, and where you are desperately seeking to return.
Then there were the things they didn't tell you, that the wonderful power, the power of nature comes with a price. The wonderful power taught you many secrets.
But no one ever tells you that there are some secrets that you don't ever want to learn
But in time Bonnie had learned to deal with the nightmares, accepting it as part of her. She had learned that all she could do was learn good to balance the bad in life. Learn and do all the good within your reach, then when she awoke in a sweat, she had something to set against the nightmare.
She always had a reason to be afraid of the dark.
Her night couldn't get any worse.
She had succumbed to the whimpering pleas of Caroline who had insisted that she attend the Mystic Falls dance that she had spent days organizing and fretting over. Bonnie had argued that they didn't exactly have a great track record of high school dances and opted to stay home instead. However, Caroline was not deterred and had unleashed the full power of the 'Caroline guilt trip'. So despite her reservations Bonnie had surrendered to the power of Caroline's pout and dusted off her heels and shown up with a smile to boot. She was determined to shake off the ill feeling she had awakened with, the cold sweat that gathered at the back of her neck, the raw electricity dancing beneath her palms.
Her smile had barely made it through the front door before it encountered Jeremy Gilbert.
Bonnie was running.
Blinded by tears, she hurriedly made her way through the crowd, pushing pass couples on the dance floor. She had to get out.
He had punched a hole through her heart leaving her bleeding on the floor.
She could feel him pursuing her through the sea of people, bellowing her name over the sound of music. She had to get out.
She crashed into a young couple who had stopped at the refreshment table for a glass of punch; she felt the cool sensation of tropical punch make contact with her chiffon dress. Stopping momentarily she looked down as the red liquid seeped into her dress leaving a crimson red stain on her stomach. She could vaguely hear the young couple begin to apologies profusely, but she could not respond. Could not apologize for running into them, could not hear them, could not do anything except stare down at her dress.
Blood.
It looked like blood. Her blood.
She ran.
She didn't look back, didn't stop running until she was swallowed up by the darkness of the night.
Her night couldn't get any worse.
She walked across the grass headed towards the parking lot; rubbing a paper towel against her abdomen she tried to remove the red stain with frenzy whilst cursing herself for wearing a white dress. Stumbling across the grass in her heels, she rushed to get to her car. She was right. They had a bad track record when it came to dances however this time there was no supernatural emergency that had ruined the night, no spell that needed doing, no damsel in distress that needed saving.
Just ghosts from the past.
She fumbled around in her purse looking for her keys, yelping in success she pulled out her car keys she crossed across the lot making a beeline for her silver prius until she spotted him. He lay on the hood of his blue camero , lounging over the windshield with his hands behind his head staring up at the sky
Damon.
She was conflicted.
She knew approaching Damon Salvatore on any day was not a good idea, she knew approaching Damon Salvatore when he was in a good mood was never a good idea, and she knew approaching Damon Salvatore when he was obviously in a bad mood was downright suicidal.
When she was young her Grams had warned her never to touch hot wax from a burning candle in fear of being burnt. Bonnie being the curious young girl she was had not heeded her grandmothers warning and had burned herself many times because of it.
Her Grams had always warned her, don't touch things that burned.
Something told her Damon burned hotter than any candle.
"Don't you know how hard this is for me? He's my brother Elena"
She was conflicted. Something had shifted inside of her that night and she knew she would never be what she once was.
Swallowing her discomfort she dropped the paper towel to the ground, she walked over to the blue camero hesitantly, her palms slick with sweat, breathing slowly she fought her hammering heart, begging her body to not betray her.
She reached the edge of his car, she waited awkwardly for a moment before folding her arms and leaning cautiously against his front door, she looked up at him only to find him staring back at her.
Bonnie shifted beneath the intensity of his gaze.
"I guess I'm not the only one that's not in the mood to party tonight" she said lightly in an attempt to break the silence.
Damon stared at her before rolling his eyes slowly, turning back to stare at the night sky.
"I'm not in the mood for company either, present company included" he replied dryly.
Bonnie felt the sting of his reply hit her in the face.
She had made a mistake.
Shaking her head in disappointment she pushed herself off the side of his car and turned to walk away.
"What's got you stumbling around in the dark anyway, Baby Gilbert playing footsie with Casper again?"
For a brief second she had forgotten.
She had forgotten how talented Damon Salvatore was when he was at hitting you where it hurt most.
She turned to look at him.
"Probably the same reason that's got you wallowing in self pity like a poor imitation of Edward Cullen"
She watched the corners of his lips lift slightly in amusement.
She had almost made him smile.
"What do you say about starting a support group, one Gilbert punching bag to another?"
Bonnie forgot how to breathe.
There were some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there were others who will understand without you speaking a word.
But Bonnie understood, she understood that the heart wasn't strong. The heart was a vulnerable tool that was fragile to the touch. Bonnie understood that Elena Gilbert had taken ownership of Damon Salvatore's heart. Bonnie understood that even if he was to ask for all the pieces back, he would never truly belong to himself.
Bonnie understood that in the darkness, there were monsters, monsters you couldn't see because it wore the face of someone you loved. She understood. She understood that you couldn't use logic and reason to defeat these monsters in the dark because these monsters, they were real and the only way to defeat them was to be the bigger monster.
Bonnie stared at Damon.
Damon had been forced to be the bigger monster.
"Gilbert fans should stick together huh?" she joked softly.
He lifted his head slightly, regarding her thoughtfully before dropping his head back
"Yeah they should, maybe share a few tips"
She didn't like to see him like this.
Damon Salvatore, strong, argumentative, callous, arrogant, cruel, he had been a constant in her life, something she could rely on to stay the same.
She didn't like to see him like this. Subdued and torn apart like a broken toy.
Retracing her steps she walked over to him.
"I'm afraid you're asking the wrong person for Gilbert advice, I can't even face him without walking away like a coward" she replied sadly.
Damon sat up slightly, leaning on his elbows.
"You're the bravest person I know" he said hesitantly
Bonnie felt her chest tighten in response, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She was sure he could hear it, she was sure he could feel the blood rushing to her head making her feel faint and dizzy, she clutched the side of the car tightly.
She had expected him to laugh, had expected him to call her pathetic.
She hadn't been expecting him to say that.
Squinting up at him she found herself cursing the dark for masking his face from her sight making it impossible to read his expression.
"I'm not brave Damon, I'm afraid just like everyone else" she replied, her voice shaking unsteadily.
The darkness filled with the sound of his laughter.
"You're afraid? Good to know. I was beginning to wonder if you felt anything at all"
Ouch.
Bonnie felt the familiar churning of annoyance within her veins.
"I'm human, of course I'm afraid. I'm not brave for walking away from Jeremy; it just means I'm a coward"
"No it just means you're not stupid. You walked away because there was nothing left"
He turned his head to look at her; she felt the heat of his gaze looking through her.
Bonnie felt her throat constrict uncomfortably, it hurt to breathe.
"I know a dead end when I see one" she whispered
The double meaning was not lost on either of them, and she knew it.
"You make it look so easy judgy, to cut your losses and walk away"
She could hear the disdain in his tone; she knew he didn't appreciate her implication. The broken toy was still tinkering away, still standing on one leg.
"If I can do it why can't you?" she asked quietly
He was wrong. It hadn't been easy.
Walking away from Jeremy meant she had to sabotage her own happiness. She was a victim of her own choice. She was forced to become an assassin when it came to her own happiness.
It hadn't been easy. It had changed her and she no longer recognized herself.
"Because I don't want to"
His admission hung in the air.
She had walked away from Jeremy because it didn't matter how much she loved him, didn't matter what kind of future she envisioned. Sometimes life had a way of showing you exactly what you need, reminding you that every now and then people did things they couldn't take back.
But Damon couldn't walk away, not without realizing that the world could not break him, unless he gave it permission to and not without realizing that Elena could not own him, unless he handed her the keys.
Damon couldn't walk away, not without realizing that the very thing he loved had become the cause of his greatest pain.
She didn't know what to say.
She watched as Damon slid off the hood of his car, landing gracefully to his feet he stood in front of her, the darkness of the night hiding his face.
"I asked you once if you were willing to put it all on the line to save Elena's life, whether you were willing to do whatever it takes"
Bonnie frowned in confusion at the sudden change in conversation
"And I told you I would; I told you I will always do whatever it takes to make sure Elena comes out of this in one piece"
Damon stood silently, mulling over her response.
"I never asked you why" he replied quietly
Bonnie bit her lip; she didn't understand what had possessed him to ask her that.
She didn't understand why he would care.
"She's my friend Damon"
She the outline of his body stiffen, she knew her answer hadn't satisfied him.
"She's everyone's friend, but why is it that you're the only one willing to put their head on a platter?"
Bonnie didn't understand. Didn't understand what he wanted to hear.
"Because I have the power to save her Damon, because she's the glue that keeps us all together, the glue that keeps us moving, breathing, that keeps us alive. I'm saving her so Matt doesn't have to lose the girl he once fell in love with, I'm saving her so Caroline doesn't have to lose her best friend, I'm saving her so Jeremy doesn't have to lose the only family he's got, so Stefan doesn't lose the love of his life, so I don't have to lose someone else I care about"
Breathing deeply she took a step closer to him, watching as he looked down at her in suspicion. She knew he could see her clearly, knew that he could see every blemish of her skin, every crease, every frown. She knew the darkness did not offer her the power of concealment that it offered him.
"I'm also saving her for you, saving her so you don't lose the girl you're in love with. So you don't lose the girl that makes you wake up every morning and try to be a better person. I'm saving her for us all so we don't have to live in a world where she doesn't exist"
Bonnie yearned for sunrise, for some light, something that would allow her to see his face. She knew she had left him speechless, she could feel it. She felt it in the way his body stood still without drawing in breath; she felt it in the way his shoulders had stiffened at her response and had yet to ease up.
Bonnie wished for light, wished to know what he was thinking. Wished he would move or say something.
Instead he reached over, holding out his palm face up.
"Dance with me" he stated simply
For the second time that night Bonnie forgot how to breathe.
Looking around slightly she had forgotten that they stood in a parking lot that was loaded with the cars of people she knew and cared about, the cars of her friends, friends she had ignored all night.
Caroline was going to kill her.
She looked over at his out-stretched hand watching it guardedly
"What are you doing?" she asked, unable to mask the suspicion in her tone.
"I'm asking you to dance" he answered simply
The broken toy was powering on through, surviving on near dead batteries.
Hell had frozen over; somewhere pigs were flying and her Grams was turning in her grave.
She reached over slowly, marveling at how small her hand was in comparison to his. She felt the coolness of his touch as her palm rested in his hand. Staring down at their hands she waited for the feeling of death to overcome her, waited for her senses to be overwhelmed by pain and darkness that often came with touching a vampire.
She felt nothing except for the tingling sensation that had erupted in her palms and was slowly making its way through out the rest of her body.
Grasping her hand firmly in his own he pulled to the middle of the parking lot where they stood still for a second, listening to the faint hum of music coming from inside the gym.
Bonnie couldn't move, couldn't force her body to cooperate.
She watched silently as Damon raised her hands to his shoulders letting them rest there before placing his own hands on her hips drawing her in close.
Bonnie didn't know where to look, she reminded herself to breathe. She looked up at him slightly only to find him staring ahead, lost in his thoughts.
She felt his hands tighten on her hips as they swayed from side to side to the echoes of music.
"She doesn't deserve you" he murmured softly
Bonnie was sure he hadn't intended on her to hear that.
Bonnie was sure he hadn't expected her to respond either.
"Ditto"
She had always been afraid of the dark.
She had always believed that bad things happened in the dark.
But what Bonnie hadn't realized that while too much darkness could kill, too much light could blind. She hadn't realized that it was only when she was lost in the darkness that she was able to seek out the stars and it was those stars that would lead her back home.
She had always been afraid of the dark.
Until she remembered.
Remembered that the darkness of night precedes the dawn. And as long as your heart still beats, it is not the death of it. You don't have to die in the dark. Sometimes, the darkness of the ocean floor is only a stop on the journey. And it is when you are at this lowest point, only when you are surrounded by a darkness so deafening that it leaves you breathless that you are faced with a choice. You can stay there at the bottom, until you drown. Or you can gather pearls and rise back up stronger from the swim and richer from the jewels.
She had always been afraid until she remembered that beautiful things can come from the dark.