Chapter 13

Matthew

Matthew was hurrying up the drive towards Downton, the big house rearing up in front of him out of the morning mist which had now, mostly, been burnt off by the sun. He hadn't slept since dawn and was both exhausted and wide awake at the same time.

He'd woken at first light thinking of Mary. He'd spent the hours before sunrise replaying their conversation and imagining ever more tortured scenarios in which Mary would feel she had to marry Carlisle against her will. It had driven him crazy with frustration and fear and he had resolved that he would go up to the big house as soon as the hour permitted him to decently.

He'd passed the early morning pacing Crawley House and driving his mother to distraction until he deemed it late enough to make an appearance at Downton and called Moseley for his coat. It was at this point that he realised Cora's letter and package were still in his pocket unopened and completely forgotten about and he decided to pause in his plans to read them.

Sitting in the morning sunlight at Crawley House he had opened the letter addressed to him and read:

My dear Matthew,

If you're reading this then I have not managed to beat this awful sickness. If that's the case then I feel it is my duty to make some things clear to you. Things which I, in my folly, had sought to keep hidden.

Firstly, I want you to know how grateful I am that you have become part of our family here at Downton. Robert and I love you dearly, as if you were our own son, and we know that the estate is safe in your hands.

More importantly, though, you need to know that Mary still loves you, that she's always loved you. I know she can be hard and cold when she wants to be but I also think that you have also seen behind that facade, to the real Mary. When you proposed to her all those years ago now, she came to me for my advice and I asked her whether she loved you, and she said that she did and that she had loved you for longer than she knew. You may wonder, then, why she did not accept you immediately and there is a reason, a reason which had nothing to do with the question over your inheritance (that was just unfortunate timing) and was to do with something that had happened a year or so previously. It is not my secret to tell and I will not break Mary's confidence, but you need to know, you must know, that her love for you was never in doubt. Her only desire was to be honest with you and, to my shame, I sought to dissuade her of that idea and so she dithered long enough to make you doubt her love for you.

Please, whatever happens, try and help her to be honest with you and with Robert. Help her to do what she wanted to all those years ago and which I, foolishly, prevented. And I hope that you will be able to love her again, as I know she loves you.

Your affectionate cousin,

Cora

PS: the gift is my engagement ring which I hope you may have cause to need.

The letter had made his head spin and his insides squirm. Mary loved him. Mary had always loved him. Could this possibly be true? What had Mary done that had meant she'd not been able to accept his proposal? Or what had been done to her? His fists clenched in anger as he began to cycle through in his mind all the terrible things that it could be.

Just as he had worked himself up into a frenzy of anger, one of the servant boys from Downton had burst into the room.

"Beg your pardon, Sir" he said slightly out of breath. "Lord Grantham wants to see you urgently!"

And so he found himself heading up the drive towards the big house that would one day be his. His head and heart aching, and his nerves on edge.

Upon arrival Carson took his coat and hat, asked him to wait in the hall and told him that Robert would be with him presently. As he waited he tried to calm himself down; tried to tell himself he was overreacting. It couldn't possibly be as bad as he had been imagining. Or could it?

The library door opened and Matthew took a step back in surprise as Mary came through the door, her face pale and tear stained but a smile, a real smile, on her face. Mary seemed equally surprised to see him and, uncharacteristically, unsure what to do with herself. She stopped, did a sort of bob at him and scampered away upstairs.

Feeling even more confused, Matthew ventured into the doorway and knocked. Robert looked up from the desk he was sitting at and smiled at him to come in. He looked tired and unwell again, but his smile seemed genuine and so Matthew went in and sat down.

"My dear boy" he said smiling at him again.

"Robert, are you well? I'm sure we can do this some other time if you're not."

"I'm tired Matthew, and I do need to rest, but not yet. There are some things that I need to do before I can rest. Thank you for coming up at such short notice."

"I, er, well I'm happy to."

Words failed Matthew as he continued to try and process all the information he'd received in the last twenty four hours. There was an awkward silence as both men contemplated the other, both waiting for the other to say something. It was Robert who broke the silence.

"A while ago you came to me to seek my advice. You told me that you'd been unfaithful to Lavinia and that's why she'd ended your engagement."

Matthew nodded, painfully aware that Robert was omitting Mary's name in his summary.

"I am sure that you were perplexed by my response to your revelation that day, and I certainly wasn't able to give you any advice."

How could Matthew forgot Robert's hacking sobs as he'd spoken of his infidelity? He'd been mortified that his behaviour could've sparked such grief.

"I, well, my behaviour was abhorrent. I wasn't thinking straight bringing it to you when you were ill."

"No Matthew, my response wasn't because of what you'd done, it was because of what I'd done."

Matthew's brows furrowed.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand..."

"In the weeks leading up to Cora's death I, too, was unfaithful. Your admission simply pointed a finger to my own guilt, guilt that I was not equipped at that point to deal with, guilt that was eating me alive."

Matthew could not believe what he was hearing. Robert was unfaithful to Cora? No, he must have misunderstood. They were the golden couple, they were happy, they were in love. He fumbled around for something to say but he couldn't find anything that measured up to the magnitude of what he'd just heard so he opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish for what seemed like an age before Robert spoke again.

"It is inexcusable and I will live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life but Dr. Sandford has been helping me to be able to face up to what I have done, to who I am, and Cora, well Cora is amazing..."

He waved the letter which had been sitting opened on his desk.

"I think some things should stay between a husband and wife, but suffice to say that she writes that she knew things had been strained between us in the months prior to her illness, but that whatever's happened in the past she wants me to know that she holds nothing against me and she loves me."

Robert choked back a sob, clearly still overcome at his wife's words. Matthew knew he needed to say something, to comfort Robert or reassure him. He felt shock, yes, but also compassion and tenderness for the man who was like a father to him. This was a man who had made a mistake like him, and who was suffering because he didn't have the chance to put it right.

"Robert, I can't imagine what you've been going through."

"Nothing I don't deserve Matthew. I took Cora for granted and I thought I had all the time in the world. It is foolishness in the extreme not to cherish the ones you truly love if you can. Life is so short and before you know it they can be gone."

Matthew began to understand why Robert wanted to see him.

"Is this about Mary? I want to love her Robert, I want to help her, but I don't know how and I don't know if I should. It was Lavinia I was unfaithful to, not Mary. Whatever Mary's going through it can't excuse my behaviour."

"My boy, I do not pretend that our predicaments are the same, or even similar. And in no way do I condone you and Mary carrying on behind Lavinia's back..."

Matthew winced at Robert's phraseology. But he knew it was a fair description.

"...but what I have learnt is that you only have one life, one chance, and that it is short and all too fleeting. If your heart lies with Lavinia then you must go to her and seek her forgiveness and win her back. If your heart lies with Mary then you must move on from past mistakes and fight for the chance to be happy with her, to love her. We're neither of us the perfect men we perhaps thought we were, but you, at least, have the he chance to sort things out. And you must do - one way or the other - or you will regret it for the rest of your life!"

Matthew knew he was right. Even before he'd read Cora's letter he knew he had to do something, that he had to fight for Mary. Fight to get her out of Carlisle's clutches, yes, but also to fight for their chance to be happy together. He'd not fought for her before the War when he should've done; instead he'd allowed his wounded pride to push her away and then tried to fill the void she left with Lavinia. Dear, sweet Lavinia who loved him enough to want him to be happy even if it was with someone else.

"It's always been Mary," he said quietly looking Robert full in the eye. "We just haven't ever found a way to say that to each other and to be together. And there's Carlisle..."

"Forget Carlisle!" Robert said with passion. "I hope very soon that Mary will be brave enough to break with him, but she will need you when she does."

Matthew felt suddenly and irrationally jealous that Robert seemed to know more about what was going on with Carlisle than he did.

"I suppose you won't tell me what's going on with Carlisle either then?" he said trying and failing to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"It's not my story to tell." Robert replied, echoing Cora's words.

Matthew rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on, but also knowing what he had to do.

"I will fight for her Robert. Whatever she's done I will fight for her."