Chapter 13: JHA: Ways of the Peter

Inside the Smash Bros Headquarters, M. Bison was walking with GLaDOS. "So he just fell over and you brought his pain? No cheating like a loser?" asked GLaDOS.

"That's how it was." said Bison. "And he'd faced a God and won!"

"Here comes the flamewar." They walked down a hallway where there were large posters on the walls. "Is this what you wanted to show me that made you lose your pointless fear?"

Bison growled at GLaDOS. "It was not fear, it was concern! But these have revealed the strength of the Cross-Over Crystals." Bison showed the robot the hallway that was made as a monument to Peter, Sonic, and Link when they fought against the Death Masks and retrieved the Cross-Over Crystals. They walked down and looked at the posters showing the entire story. "Peter and one of the Masked creatures were brought together to form the entire story of Peter's and his two friends' adventure."

GLaDOS scanned the stories of the four arches of the Cross-Over Crystal adventures. "Looks like any relationship with Zelda and Link is not written here. I wonder why?"

Bison led GLaDOS down the hall to the very end. "See this picture. This is the King of Terror himself, King Ghidorah. His attacks and strength is written here. He's not even that large as the three Cross-Over heroes described him." Bison let out a laugh. "I was worried over nothing. I am far stronger and deadlier than this beast. I will crush them and anyone else who opposes me!"

As Bison gloats, GLaDOS got a good look on the information on the King of Terror. "Bison, I recall that they described King Ghidorah as a dragon, not an unoriginal devil wearing that annoying Phanto Mask."

Bison stopped laughing and looked at the Poster, and then one of the masked creatures came along. "Sorry, there appears to be a mistake." The Masked creature, a two foot tall Scouter type Death Mask named #52, took the name off of the poster and switched it with the name of a three headed dragon. "There you are. Sorry about that."

Bison, seeing that the creature he thought was Ghidorah was actually the old Grand Master of the Death Masks, slowly turned to the three headed dragon he'd missed. He skimmed through the info and converted the measurement systems. "It's that large?!"

"Ridley?" asked Mother Brain moving toward them.

"No, not that sci-fi director! The power of the Cross-Over Crystals were matched up against this beast!" Bison punched the wall and made a huge hole, revealing Snailer trying to torture information out of a microwave. "We're just gnats compared to what those fools defeated!" Bison growled in anger. "If they unleashed that power, and with the rules against me, my plan for the prize will be destroyed."

#52 shifted his eyes in confusion, and slowly slipped away.

"So should we continue your plan that will require your character to be ruined?" asked GLaDOS.

Bison glared at GLaDOS. "Why must I lower myself to follow a glove's rules, and hold the title of 'the Slayer of Love.'?!"

"Slayer of Love? Oh thank God!" Peter came running down the hallway. "Good, you're the slayer. I need you to explain to Ghostslayer and Maya that sex will not work between them."

Bison was ready to punch Peter, but remembered that he was one of the four to destroy King Ghidorah. He calmed himself down enough to sound friendly. "Ahhh, Peter Griffin. The man I wanted to see." Bison wrapped his arms around Peter. "You're still afraid of that fight you have with Ralph?"

"Who?" asked Peter.

Bison gave Peter a half-lit glare. "The one with huge hands and the little kid you tripped over."

Peter's eyes widened. "Oh crap, that's eventually! I'd even received a death letter from Ralph that looks like it was written by a little girl!" Peter got on his knees. "Please help me!"

Bison and the other two villains looked at each other and smiles. "You remember that deal we have about digging up dirt. I want you to tell me everything you know about the Cross-Over Crystals."

Peter got up. "I don't know what the crystals have to do with this, but this is a Cross-Over Crystals sequel! I'll do it!" But then #52 latched onto Peter and began mauling him.

After healing, Peter sat with the villains in his room. "So you want to know all about the Crystals, correct?"

"Yes…." answered the impatient villains.

Peter shifted his eyes, and took out his Cross-Over Crystal from under his pillow. "First appearance of the Cross-Over Crystal in this story."

"Peter!" shouted #52.

"Now let's go!" Peter took GLaDOS, Mother Brain, and Bison without warning and vanished into another world.

World: Quahog

The four appeared in front of Peter's house. Bison looked around the sub-urban area. "Peter, where are we!?"

"Welcome to my world, Quahog!" Peter held out his arms to show off the greatness of his home. The villains only see Joe having a difficult moment due to his disabled legs, Quagmire paying a hooker, Chris laughing at something stupid, and of course Mr. Herbert.

"From my study of that senior citizen ….. lock him up." said GLaDOS.

Bison looked around a bit and asked Peter why he'd brought them here. "Because this is the start of your training to fight against a Cross-Over Crystal."

Bison was a bit surprised by this. "Training to fight against the crystals? How interesting. What will we do first?"

Just then, Lois came outside. "Peter, there you are. Thought you forgot our …" Lois then noticed GLaDOS. "Oh My God, it's the robot that 'I'm still alive' song from the internet! You did remembered out anniversary!"

Lois ran to Peter whom lifted her up and twirled her around. "I'd even brought a giant fish and communist to play charades with when you get high."

Lois jumped from Peter's arms. "Oh, I'm going to get the weed and chocolate." When Lois ran back inside, the villains slowly glared at Peter.

"What, I'd never said I'll tell you about how to fight against the Cross-Over Crystals, did I? Heah heah heah."

"You did!"

"Damn it."

Moments later, they were in the living room with a high Lois. "Now then ….. what am I?" asked Lois swinging on a metal pole.

"Stripper, Giggity!" said Quagmire sitting next to Mother Brain.

"… We have a sofa." said Lois right after lying down. She looked at Mother Brain and laughed. "You'll never get laid!" She then grabbed onto Bison's collar. "Do me …. But first get a sex change. I haven't done it with a masculine woman in years." Lois then slowly walked out the door to do who knows what.

"Are we done yet!?" asked Bison with rage.

"Yep, she usually does this during our anniversary ever since Mayor Adam West allowed us to smoke weed when there will be a full moon out tonight.

(Cutaway Gag)

Mayer Adam West was dressed as Van Helsing. "Now the werewolves will be too high and weak when I go hunting!" When Adam West went outside, he walked to a pond to fish.

(End Cutaway Gag)

Peter took out his Cross-Over Crystal. "Now to understand the Cross-Over Crystal, first you must understand how the world works. Today we will go around town to examine pop-culture activities like war in the middle east, the instable economy, gun laws, communism; and the most important out of those, what flavor ice cream are the Kardashians eating."

As they all sighed, Stewie Griffin walked in with Brian. "I'm telling you, Brian. I can tamper with your DNA so you won't chase your own tail."

"For the last time, it's up to something!" explain Brian.

The two stopped and noticed something towards them. "I don't believe it; an android, a massive Cyclopes brain, the fat man, and that guy from Wreck-it Ralph. We're getting screen time!"

"Yeah, we're getting screen time!" said Meg appearing out of nowhere.

"Meg, did I do my side special move?" Peter asked sternly.

"No." answered Meg.

"Get back to the same place where the princess keeps her mushroom person."

As Peter continued to be stupid, Stewie told Brian of the situation. "Don't you get it, when they go back to the Smash World, we can hop along and start our own spin-off!"

"Isn't that too similar to our 'Road to the Multi-verse' episode?" asked Brian.

"Oh please. We've been doing things over again and no one was smart enough to notice. We've even created our own loopholes like with the reveal of the fat man's real father and his identical ancestors that are really Francis Griffin's."

Brian then slapped Stewie. "You just had to say that out loud, did you?"

Stewie felt the pain and talked back. "Well well, you've pointed out one of our mistakes. Well you try doing that to yourself when you turned from a voice of reason to a down-graded dog who hits on my mom."

"Looks who's talking. Hey, how's that whole 'taking over the world' business going?"

"I'm trying to get that going and yet your book remained the same thing, crap!"

"Crap, I ….. they're gone." Brian pointed out that Peter and the villains have left.

"God dammit!" shouted Stewie. "Where could they be?"

Outside, they heard Peter shouting, "To the Peter mobile!" and drove off with Peter-faced car, causing mass destruction along the way.

Downtown, Peter crashed his car in a Subway. "This will be our first training session." Peter walked to the counter. "I will like one five dollar foot long, please."

The cashier didn't take Peter's order for a particular reason. "You just drove your damn car straight in the building!"

"Well what kind of customer service is that?" asked Peter, oblivious as usual.

The villains looked at each other. "Bison, is this necessary?" asked Mother Brain.

Bison growled. "If it's not, I'll kill Peter."

After persuading the cashier, Peter managed to get a five dollar foot long hoagie. "Hey ugly fish, can you eat him?" Peter then handed Bison the hoagie. "Now your first training is to see if this is really five feet long."

Bison was silent with anger. GLaDOS examined the sandwich. "Why won't you just switch to the metric system?" A red light lit up on GLaDOS. "This combination of food only appears to be one inch too short to being exactly five feet long."

"Really?" asked Peter with a smile. "Now Bison, get us a lawyer and we'll sue Subway for everything it owns."

Bison looked at the frighten customers of Subway and back at Peter. "You don't remember a damn thing about the crystals, do you?"

"I'm afraid you are correct." As Bison was about to punch Peter, Peter shouted. "Wait, we haven't gotten to the Sid Nye the Science guy debate about religion.

"Bill Nye." GLaDOS corrected him.

"Then who's the other person named Sid that does science?"

Meanwhile; Bill Nye (Oh, I mean Nill Bye, my original character) was having a religion argument with a creationist. "In order for our children to become better adults to compete in the global economy, they must become atheists. But don't worry parents, you can still be creationists."

In the audience, Stewie and Brian were watching the debate. "Dammit, they're not here! … Global economy?" Stewie turned his attention to Nill. "Wait, it sounds like this guy only cares about working, not knowledge." He turned to Brian. "So what do you have to say about that?"

"Actually …. I don't understand this." Brian pointed out to Nill. "You've heard me rage about religion, but what does this have to do with being a hard working civilian? There were more creationists years ago and they were doing a better job than those lazy obese kids too focused on their ipods while being raised by idiots that don't even know how to say 'no'."

"Yeah right, and the only job I can think of that requires you to be an atheist will be ….. oh my god!"

Back with Peter, Mother Brain was about ready to unleash her most powerful attack on Peter. "So you're saying you've forgotten what you were told about the Cross-Over Crystals, now tell us why?"

Peter was tied to a chair. "It's for the plot!"

"Plot?!" Bison stomped his foot. "Where do you think you are; a cartoon?"

Peter began laughing, but then #52 came out of nowhere to maul Peter again. As they watched, Mother Brain realized something. "That creature is a Death Mask, correct?"

GLaDOS scanned #52. "Correct. He will know better than Peter."

Bison took a hold of #52 and ripped him off of Peter. He turned the Death Mask toward him. "Hello, I was wondering something important."

#52, still filled with rage, said. "If it's about how I got here this fast, I'd ran into the power of Peter's crystal just before you disappeared. And if you're also wondering why I'd didn't follow you at first, I had to report a pedo!"

(Cutaway Gag)

Joe was standing next to Mr. Herbert. "#52 had informed me that you are a pedophile … Ha ha ha! Yeah right and I'm Patrick Warburton!"

Mr. Herbert also laughed. "Yeah, right … don't look in my house!"

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Bison let #52 down genteelly. "Not that; we would be grateful if you can tell us what you know about the Cross-Over Crystals."

#52 looked at the three villains and thought to himself. "They want world domination, just like Mascasa. I don't know what this prize is, but I recall hearing about Master Hand from Wario so I don't think he'll allow anything dangerous." #52 looked at Peter. "But I can't just tell them the truth about what I know about the crystals, I'd think I'll lead them on. Jozen did say I'd needed a vacation." #52 hopped toward Peter. "I am sorry, but I was never told anything about the crystals." He held a claw at Peter. "But he and the other chosen ones know."

Mother Brain's glared at #52. "He'd said he forgot."

#52 jumped on Peter and knocked on his head. "Don't underestimate Green Eyes' magic. Peter really does know, but in order for him to remember, he needs to experience plenty of pain on his head."

This made the villains grin with joy. "So how should we do this?" asked Bison while he cracked his knuckles.

#52 snickered sinisterly. "You'll see."

(4 hours later)

In a field, #52 had set up a large contraption filled with painful traps. #52, wearing a constructer helmet, unfolded the blueprints of the machine. "We have Peter at the very top riding a skateboard, then with one push, he goes rolling down here and jump off a ramp fill with needles. After landing on this board, a spring will launch him upwards to this thunder clouds. After the electrocution, I'll turn on a fan that will blow him into a tank filled with electric eels. Peter will climb out of it, but lands on some fly paper stabled to a train. The train will go through a swamp filled with mosquitos. After he is covered with bites, the train will go around a town where an annual scratching fest is going, and he will not be attending. When the train drops him back here, he will be moved by these mechanical arms to a cannon, where he will be shot right into a building full of hoes."

"Hoes?" asked Bison.

"Yeah, the place is called Hoes and whores R us. Hoe is the Green Eyes word for explosives, but I don't know what whore means. I don't even know why the building has Green Eye language."

"Hold it, the death trap you've made will only kill Peter, not hit his head long enough." Said GLaDOS as #52 ignored her.

"Let's start!"

#52 was about to press the button, someone shouted at him. "Not so fast evil doer!" The villains looked over and saw Lois Griffin dressed as Superwoman. "Don't worry Peter; I'd smoked plenty of pot!"

"Now the vampires won't be able to stay in their coffins during the day!" shouted Mayor Adam West from somewhere far.

Lois quickly dashed over and roadhouse kicked #52 to the ground. She then dug a hole straight to hell with her own hands and dropped off some ice cream to Barney the Dinosaur. She climbed right back up and punched M. Bison right at the other villains and climbed up to save Peter.

"Lois, my hero!" Peter said while moving his eyes like an aroused woman.

Lois starred at Peter for a few seconds, and pushed him down the death machine.

"Ahhhhhh!"

The villains and #52 slowly got up and watched the even. "Soon you will have the knowledge of the Cross-Over Crystals." lied #52. As the villains enjoyed the show, #52 slowly slipped away and hid in a tree to watch.

After going through the horrific pain, Peter was about to be launched into the Hoe house. But then Lois kicked the cannon up and Peter was launched high in the sky. Peter eventually landed right on the Hoe house and the building collapsed. The majority of the hoes and whores were killed off, but the pimp crawled out of the ruble. Lois then body slammed him. "You're going down town!"

Soon after the police arrived. "We came as soon as we heard." said Joe moving toward them.

Bison looked over at Joe. "How did you discovered our torture device for …. Are you paralyzed?"

"I can still kick ass! But that's not what we heard." Joe took a hold of the Pimp and removed his large hat. "We've heard about the ringleader the world's hoe and whores, and that will be you, Nill Bye!"

Nill Bye moved his head up. "But how did you find out?"

Joe took out a sheet of paper. "It appears a dog and a baby, who will be anonymous, have discovered that the only job requiring you to be an atheist will be selling your body, which is pretty much the only successful business in America that comes close to porn."

"But Protestants allow sexuality." said Nill Bye.

"…. Oh yeah."

After the event, Peter slowly dragged himself back to the group. "Is your hippocampus telling you something?" asked GLaDOS.

Peter slowly got up. "I think my wife wasn't wearing panties."

The villains looked at each other. "So now what, Death Mask?" Bison then noticed #52 wasn't with them.

He glanced everywhere until GLaDOS mentioned something. "It appears that #52 had tricked us. He was probably on to our plans."

Bison growled with anger, but then noticed Peter's serious condition again. "I'm O.K. with it." The other villains agreed with him.

Lois then walked in. "Hey muscles! I got a plastic surgeon here, now lay down!"

End of chapter

A/N: Just a short chapter with nothing important to the plot. Bison still doesn't know that the Cross-Over Crystal armor won't appear unless something other worldy happens, #52 makes a cameo this one time, and …. Yeah, I don't know what's with Bill Nye and how he thinks atheism will make children better workers for the U.S. I'm not that kind of creationist that will consider atheism evil, but what does this have to do with working? The only arguments I'd heard about this is the whole science and such, and they are mostly from internet trolls.

I say we start a fake conspiracy theory that Bill Nye is helping the U.S. Gov't to switch between a free country to a communist country where children will be forced to work and no other religion is allowed unless if involves the dictator, just like China!

P.S. Please don't start a flamewar about religion, no one wants that; especially on a Youtube video about cats.

"Seriously, Brian. You're an internet troll?" asked Stewie.

"What else are we going to do?" asked Brian. "We only got those two scenes."

Stewie then looked on what Brian was watching on Youtube. "You've started a religion war on a cat video? Did you not read the P.S.?"

"What does P.S. means?" asked #52.

Brian was the first to answer. "Oh, P.S. is for when you want to add any additional words."

"Oh … so what do the initials stand for?"

Stewie grinned at Brian. "Go ahead, brilliant writer. Tell him."

Brian stood there awkwardly. "Uhhhh, look! There's a portal!"

The three looked over and noticed Peter fully recovered bringing the villains back. Stewie instinctively grabbed both Brian and #52 and ran toward the portal. "Our one shot! Jump!"

Will Stewie, Brian, and #52 going to be side characters throughout the story? …. No.

"Blast!"