Jim called Scotty and had Spock transported to a prearranged bed in sickbay from his quarters half an hour after Spock had fallen asleep.

He knew he would not be getting any sleep that night and instead made his way to sickbay to talk to Bones.

He was in the turbo lift on his way there when a shock wave washed over his body and brought him to his knees. Pain coursed through ever fiber of his being as Jim fell to the ground and curled into a ball.

He could feel the place in his mind where Spock's presence had taken up residence burn and ache as he struggled to keep breathing.

Lights danced before his eyes as a ripping sensation filled his head and made it scream in pain.

"Spock." He mouthed desperately, trying to hold onto his T'hy'la's presence in his mind.

It was a futile gesture and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself from trying as Spock was wrenched from his head.

The pain was more than he could bear and he welcomed the blackness when it came.

Because the blackness didn't hurt like real life did.

Jim knew he was in sickbay before he even opened his eyes. Just like he knew something was terribly wrong.

His mind ached in a way it never had before and his heart clenched as he realized what had happened.

Spock had warned him he would feel it the moment their bond severed, but he hadn't imagined it would be so agonizing afterwards. It was a pulsing ache in his mind that he was conscious of more than anything else.

Then he heard Spock's voice and the pain lessoned.

"Do not fret Ashayam I am at optimal health and mental stability. The last 18 weeks have not caused any adverse reactions."

For one glorious moment Jim thought Spock had remembered it all and was waiting for him to awaken and celebrate.

Then he opened his eyes and that hope died.

Spock was sitting up in his bio-bed with Uhura at his side, holding his hand. The bleeding part of Jim's mind pulsed with pain at the sight and he just wanted to curl into a ball and go back to sleep forever.

It was too late though, Spock had noticed he was awake.

Spock held his gaze for a moment before speaking, but Jim could already see that this was not his Spock. His Spock's eyes never looked at him with anything less than absolute warmth and the ones that looked at him now held only curiosity and a pinch of concern.

"Are you functional Captain?"

No, not by a long shot, but Jim would never make Spock needlessly worry.

With a noticeable effort Jim sat up in his bed and avoided looking at either of them.

"I'm fine Spock. Just tripped in the turbo lift and knocked myself out. No need to worry."

Even though he wasn't looking at her Jim could tell Uhura was smirking smugly as she replied.

"Vulcan's don't worry Captain."

You're wrong. Jim thought to himself as he put his feet on the ground tentatively.

Spock worried more than anyone about the people he loved.

But that didn't include him anymore did it?

Jim stood as proudly as he could as he straightened his top and he avoided looking in their direction.

"I've got to go find Bones and find out if that bump to my head caused any damage. Take all the time you need off Mr. Spock. I'm sure you and Uhura have a lot to talk about."

"Captain?" Spock called quietly after him as he rushed out of the room.

Jim pretended not to hear him and made his way out of sickbay. The nearest panel told him he'd slept through the night and Bones was off shift. Thankfully he was still on medical leave until Bones cleared him so he didn't have to report to his shift that day either.

He needed his best friend to help him through this, so with a pained sigh Jim made his way to Bones's quarters and knocked on his door.

Bones looked at him though bleary eyes when he answered, obviously having been sleeping.

One look at Jim's face was enough to wake him up and usher his friend in though.

The door had barely shut before Bones had him in a bone breaking hug.

"It's okay Kid. Let it out." Bones whispered calmly.

Jim froze for a second as his mind told him that no one other than his bondmate should ever touch him like this, but that thought only brought on a whole new wave of pain and made him sink bonelessly into his friend's hold.

"He's gone Bones." Was all he could say.

Bones just held him close and led him to his bed.

"I'm sorry Jimmy."

Jim couldn't hold it together any longer and simply unraveled.

His tears fell endlessly as he collapsed on Bones's bed and wept at the sheer agony he felt.

"You want to know the worst part?" Jim muttered through his tears.

Bones said nothing and let him continue.

"The part of me separate from the pain can't help but be happy he's alive and the rest can't help but be sad because it feels like he's dead. Both feel true Bones and I don't know which hurts more."

"I'm sorry Jimmy. I'm so sorry."

Jim cried until he could cry no more and fell back into a dreamless sleep on top of Bones's bed.

McCoy continued to stroke his back as Jim trembled and muttered even in his sleep.

"Spock." He gasped every few minutes.

Bones would have done anything to take away Jim's pain, knew the only thing he could do was continue to be there.

It wasn't nearly enough.

Don't kill me! There will be more! I promise!

As always please read and review!

Yours truly,

Jessica499499