Chapter Thirteen: Ah Poor Bird

I woke up in the morning next to my dear Lucius. I watched him for a few minutes as he slept in adoration, loving the way his chest rose up and down as he breathed. Lucius Malfoy was perfectly beautiful even in sleep, with his long blonde lashes framing his perfect and gorgeous face and his lips parted slightly. I just couldn't help myself as I snuggled closer and lightly pressed my mouth to his. Suddenly... ... ...he was kissing me back!

I sighed in ecstasy as we starting entwining our arms and legs while never breaking the kiss. After about a minute, he detached his mouth from mine and put it on my neck. I started gasping uncontrollably as feelings I had never felt before started rushing though my body. After we were done, we got up and left the prefect's bedroom. We walked down the hallway of Hogwarts back to the Slytherin common room so I could change back into real-life clothes. It was Thursday and I had class today—all the classes that I had on Monday, I had again today. I guess the way my whole schedule thing works is that I have Potions class, History of Magic class, and Transfiguration class on Mondays and Thursdays; Defense against the Dark Arts class, Divination class, and Astronomy class on Tuesdays and Fridays, and double hours of Charms and Herbology on Wednesday. Unfortunately, I had missed all of my Wednesday classes due to an unfortunate incident*.

Anyways, after that long dramatic soliloquy, it was time for me to go to Potions class. I tearfully said goodbye to my love—I had wanted to take him with me for show-and-tell, but Lucius had laughed gently at that idea and told me I was a silly dear. So wearily, and all alone in the world, I trudged tragically to Potions class, when suddenly, in the hallway, I saw...Remus Lupin! Memories suddenly came flooding back to me like water in a sieve. Maybe Remus had taken the other half of the star, because maybe it had fallen out of my pocket when the troll had picked me up.

I trotted over to him angrily. "Remus you bastard dodo! What did you do with the other half of the star?"

He acted all confused when I said this. "What? I don't know what you're talking about!"

Because I was so angry, I kneed him in the groin. And when he was rolling around on the ground, I spat on him. Then, because I was getting late for class, I turned and left. I would torture the information out of him later.

Once I got to Potions class, I sat by Vera, of course (with that effing pedophile James right behind me again!), but I didn't really feel like talking to her right now. I was too busy thinking about you-know-who**. We didn't have any fun in Potions class today...Professor Slughorn just talked about potions and stuff. I was really depressed—more depressed than I had ever felt in my life. All of Professor Slughorn's diagrams on the white board turned into happy couples in my mind—I felt so alone. It must have been some kind of Freudian logic or something.

After an hour, the bell rang and I walked to my next class—History of Magic—with Vera tagging along faithfully at my side like an obedient eunuch. We took our seats, and I stared depressedly at the ground as I waited for class to begin. After about four minutes, it was time for class to begin, so Professor Binns walked into the room, and following him uncertainly was...Miley Cyrus! ! ! I gasped. Nobody else did, though, probably because nobody else follows the muggle news like I do. I'm not nerdy or anything—I just like to know what's going on in the world.

"Miley, what are you doing here girl?" I asked her incredulously.

She blinked at me. "Hey, I'm magical—really! I just had to keep it a secret from all of my phans, so I had to be home-schooled. But, once I stopped doing Hannah-Montana, I was free to go to a public school again, like Hogwarts. So, here I am!"

"Well, why'd you stop doing Hannah Montana?"

She stared at me like I was some idiotic 11-year old girl. "Why do you think? I fucking hated that show. It just...screwed with my life! It was like...I was selling myself to a bunch of stupid tween girls. It was uncool!"

I stared at her. She certainly looked cool now. She had on a low-cut shirt that showed a lot of cleavage, a ripped mini-skirt with chains, and hooker boots. "Don't worry," I told her, "It's not like I ever watched Hannah Montana or anything."

"Oh, you're all right then." She smiled at me saucily, and then she took a seat next to me. Vera glowered at me...I knew she was just jealous that I had a new friend, and of course, Vera had no idea who Miley was. Vera was just...dumb.

The lesson was really super boring. Professor Bins just droned on about the ancient wizard space exploration age. I had already learned all of this at Blarneyland. So, I was really bored. It seemed that Miley had already learned about the entire lesson too, so, the entire time, we passed each other notes. She was really fun to write to! Like, for example, she asked me if I liked anybody at Hogwarts. I described Lucius to her and told her that he was my boyfriend. Then, I asked her what house she had gotten sorted into. She wrote Gryffindor. I stared at her in shock. "GRYFFINDOR! YOU'RE IN GRYFFINDOR? Miley, you have to get out of there! Gryffindor sucks! You should ask for a resort!"

Miley started crying. "I know, I already tried, but they said that the hat's decision was final."

"They?" I asked demandingly, "Who's they?"

"Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall! They're so mean!"

"Well, that explains it. They were both in Gryffindor, and so they wanted someone as awesome as you to be in their house, because let's face it—everybody in Gryffindor is a motherfucking goober. But don't worry, I know that at heart...you are truly a Slytherin."

Miley suddenly stopped crying when I said that and stared at me...with pure emotion in her eyes, like the way Lucius looked at me last night. It was as if...she loved me. "You really mean that Narcissa?" she asked me. "About me being at heart a Slytherin?"

"I certainly do!" I declared. Then, we hugged each other. I really did feel bad for her—being stuck in Gryffindor is like, what happens to people in Hell who behave poorly. That's where they go.

"Whatever art thou blithering nincompoops going on about?" Professor Bins asked us crossly. Ooops. I kept forgetting that just because he was dead, that didn't mean that he couldn't hear us.

"Oh, nothing, sir," I screamed dramatically. "Please, prither continue on with thy lecture."

Professor Bins gave me a dead look. "Young maiden, are thou making fun of me?"

"No."

"I conceive it is for the best intentions if I give thou detention tonight."

"NONONONONONONONONONON!" I wailed loudly. I had been planning on spending tonight with Lucius. This would just wreck everything! But, my pleading was to no avail. And so, it was with a heavy heart that I left History of Magic class that day. I had an hour-long break before my next class, Transfiguration, so Miley and I went down to the great hall for lunch. We got tacos, and then we went outside to sit in the courtyard under some trees in the sunlight. It was only the first day of September, and it was still warm enough to sit outside, even in England.

I was just sitting there, enjoying the tacos and the sunlight, when suddenly...

"Oh my god Narcissa! Who's that guy over there? He's so fucking hot!"

I followed her gaze to see who she was pointing at. It was...my Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor. Only...he looked younger than when I had seen him in class. For one thing, there weren't any stitches on his face—it was perfectly smooth.

"Umm...that's one of my teachers, Professor."

"Really? Gawd...he's so hawt! Could you introduce us?"

I didn't really want to, because I wasn't the type of girl who hit on her teachers, but I also wanted Miley to think I was cool like her. So, I walked over to him with her and said, "Professor, I would like you to meet my friend, Miley."

He looked up at us, all confused. "What are you talking about bitch? I'm not a professor! My name is Tom Riddle and I'm a student in Slytherin."

I stared at him in surprise. "Really?" I mean, he looked so much like Professor. Just younger and smoother.

"You had better believe it." He winked at me, and then he looked at Miley. And then looked at her again. And then did a triple-take. "Holy Cow! Aren't you Miley Cyrus the Disney star?"

Miley looked flattered that he had recognized her. She also seemed really shy, and she looked down at the ground when she talked to him. "Ex-Disney star actually. I became way too good for that money-making corporal fucktard corporation, so I left to become a bigger star here at Hogwarts."

Tom took her arm. "I agree with you. I also think you are too good for Disney." And then...he walked off with her smiling and giggling at him." I couldn't believe it. She was also deserting me. Everybody I meet leaves me for someone else! I had had it. I was ready to end my pitiful existence. So, I looked around for a weapon to stab myself with. But, other than the fork I was holding, I couldn't find one. And that would probably be a very slow way to die. So then, I ran back into Hogwarts and started running up flights of stairs because I intended to throw myself off the roof like a romantic martyr. I had almost got to the very top when suddenly...Professor McGonagall appeared out of nowhere.

"Narcissa Black, don't tell me you were planning on being late for my class again?"

I have to admit, I'm a little scared of Professor McGonagall. This was only heightened by what I had said earlier—how people who were bad in Hell went to Gryffindor. That meant that...she was worse than Satin! Because I was too scared to kill myself when she was watching, I turned and followed her to the Transfiguration classroom. I had to sit next to Penelope the psycho prick from the Twilight Zone again, and I was not happy about that. I'm pretty sure that as I leaned over to put my stuff down, she looked down my shirt. I thought about punching her, but then again, I was scared that Professor McGonagall would yell at me if I punched her, so I refrained. Besides, I already had detention for tonight; I didn't want detention any more times this week.

Because we had not done any transfiguring at the last lesson, Professor McGonagall decided to postpone more dance lessons until next Monday. In the meantime, we would actually do in class what we were supposed to do. I was extremely grateful for this, mainly because that meant it would be another couple of days before I had to deal with Penelope again, face-to-face.

Anyway, we didn't do anything really hard in class—we were just transfiguring our desks into dairy cows. It was really kind of boring.

After class, I ran away as fast as I could from Penelope and all those other losers who thought they had a chance at being my friend. And I ran straight into...Lucius!

"Lucius love!" I screamed. "Am I ever glad to see you!" He was really happy to see me too! I could just tell by the lustful look in his eyes. He grabbed my arms and pinned me to the wall, then we started making out. Suddenly, I could feel something hard beneath my belt. "Lucius!" I chided. He shrugged, but I forgave him. I guess he couldn't help it.

Suddenly, I remembered...and I started crying. "Oh Lucius! I can't go on a date with you tonight! I...I...I got prickin' detention!" I started crying really hardly against his chest as he rubbed my back soothingly.

"It's okay," he said. "I'll just see you tomorrow. We have all the time in the world for our relationship."

I nodded my head. He was right. He was always right. Suddenly, the clock started chiming. It was nine p.m. "Well," I said, "I gotta get going to detention."

"Okay babe," he said winkingly. "I'll meet you tomorrow night...at the prefect's bedroom."

"Okay honey." I said. When he said that, something warm and fuzzy seemed to melt inside of me. Very reluctantly, I turned and left to go to Professor Binns' office. When I got there, he said to me:

"Misses Narcissa, for thou detention, thou shall... ... ...sweep thy dingay dungeons... ... ... ... ...with a toothbrush."

I took the toothbrush from him and started to cry. "Ok," I said. I slowly waltzed down to the dungeons and started scrubbing at the floors. After a couple of hours, I wasn't even halfway done! I had never realized how massive the dungeons were until now.

At one point, I was kneeling in a dark hallway that I had never been in before, still cleaning. Suddenly, I heard a moan. Like, seriously, a real honest-to-goodness moan. I was curious about who was moaning, so I got to my feet and followed the noise to a door. Hesitantly, I tried the handle, and...it opened. So, I cautiously stuck my head inside the room, and there, chained to the wall like a sexy avenging angel, was...Lucius Malfoy.

*If you've been reading along so far, you'll know what I mean. If not, what the hell are you waiting for? Go back and read the previous couple of chapters!

**And I'm not talking about Sirius or Voldemort, dummy.