AN: Merry Christmas to one and all! May you all be stuffed to the gills with yummy food and receive wonderful things and such! Consider this chapter a gift from me to you. As always all is owned by the fantastic and wonderful JK.

Chapter 13:The Photo Album

My first conscience thought when I woke up was something was wrong. Panic gripped every inch of my body as I try to figure out what was wrong. My eyes can the dark room and finally I realize what it was. Sirius was not in bed. A new wave of panic started to set in. Had I dreamed the past few days? Was Sirius here, back in my arms all a mirage? I try to steady my breath and calm my palpitating heart. "Sirius?" I call out in low voice. I wait a few seconds. All that greets me is silence. It was a silence that presses into every fiber of my being. I slip out from underneath my bed sheets and make my way to the door. I can see light from crack beneath the door. I open it softly and gaze in.

There he is. He is naked and sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. He is hunched over looking at what looks like a giant book. I push the door open and silently walk just past the frame. "Sirius?" I ask again quietly. His head jerked slightly and his eyes found me. He smiles softly and beckons me to join him. I make my way to him and sit next to him on the floor. I see what he is holding now; it's an old school photo album. The page he is on had a picture of him, James, me, and…the traitor, our very own Judas...Peter Pedigrew. The four of us are all piled onto one of our beds. Sirius and I are propped up on the bed by the pillows, his uniform askew. He is holding me, his hands on my hips and his lips on my forehead. James is sitting on the corner of the bed, a look of humor and awkwardness grace his face. Standing next to him was Pedigrew. A flash of rage comes across me and I think of how just a few weeks ago I could have ended his pathetic existence. My anger though is interrupted by Sirius. He lays his head on my shoulder and his left hand finds my hand and our fingers intertwine. It was if he read my mind. His hand in mine is more powerful than any calming spell the most powerful witch or wizard could cast.

I feel his eyes on me and I glance over at him. "Did you see the date of the picture?" I look down and look. Suddenly it all comes flooding back to me. At first I didn't recognize the picture of any particular time but the date…it was the day I had been released from the hospital ward after my attempt…

Madam Pomfrey was still fussing over me. I should be used to this by now. She did it at least once a month but this went beyond that. Even now I can still see the concern in her eyes and how her eyes kept flickering into mine. Even Biggleworth the Blind could see the maternal worry. Part of me felt a rush of affection for her. It always meant much to me when someone cared about me. Few if anyone…no, I do have some, I remind myself. I have to stop thinking no one does. James does, Peter does, Sirius…Sirius…he does. I have to force myself to think it. Yes, we had made up and told each other how much we loved each other, yet…part of me was still in fear and part of me doubted him. I hated it. I should trust him of all people without hesitation. Yet, it was he who broke that trust by telling Sanpe. I sigh and close my eyes. "Don't worry Remus, dear. I'm almost done. I just want to be totally sure the blood replenishing potion was strong enough."

I had almost forgotten Madam Pomfrey was there. I quickly think of something to tell her. "Sorry Madam Pomfrey, it's not you. I just didn't sleep well last night. I was fantasizing about my bed in the dormitory." She giggles and rolls her eyes. It wasn't a complete lie. The bed was much softer and there was a certain someone who would be waiting in my bed. It was a Saturday so there were no classes and I would bet a galleon that Sirius wasn't studying. With a final nod I was officially released from the hospital wing. I had been thinking of this moment for the last few days. I had thought I would dash at top speed to the common room and to be with my friends and boyfriend as fast as I could. But now that I was at the moment that I had dreamed for, I found myself hesitant and torn. Sirius and I had reconciled and he had like clockwork came to the infirmary every day during his breaks and after dinner. We joked, laughed, and did everything we had done before. Yet, it was in those moments of silence that I felt an awkward tension between us. It worried me greatly. I wonder if he has felt it to. If he did why didn't he bring it up? Oh…probably the same reason I had not brought it up. Something between us, something in our relationship had changed after my attempt even more dramatically than when I found out Sirius had told Snape my furry secret.

But this time it was my fault. I know and cannot escape that fact. I could have forgiven Sirius but instead of following my instinct to trust the person I love, I over ruled it with my stupidity and with my pessimism about how people feel about me. I had so long expected purposeful betrayal it had become a fulfilled prophecy. I thought that if I were dead it would be the best outcome for all. Sirius could move on and stop pretending guilt and I wouldn't have to live with the loss of the man I loved and my friends who made my pathetic existence worth going through. Yet now, because of my actions, the fear of loss started to seep into my brain. Before I was ready I was at the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Remus Lupin, you look much better than the last time I saw you!" she said smiling." I didn't return the smile. "Merlin's Beard" I say in a barely audible voice. Muttering about rude people she swung open to reveal the entrance to the common room. It was practically deserted except for two third year girls who sat giggling in a corner. No James, Sirius, or Peter waiting to welcome me back. Go figure.

After what happened they probablywanted nothing to do with me after all. Perhaps they were afraid if they avoided the hospital wing after what happened they might get blamed or I would just try to repeat my actions. I feel tears in my eyes wanting released but I do all I can to keep them in. I will not be weak and give them the satisfaction. I look at the spiral staircase leading to the dormitory. I want to take a nap and feel the warm embrace of my sheets and the soft bed beneath me. Instead I turn and walk back out the way I had just come. Hardly had I passed the painting did I bump into someone. "Sorry" I mutter quietly without looking at the person and make to walk past when a hand grabs mine softly.

I look at the hand before letting my eyes travel up to the face. It was Lily. Her green eyes sparkle with concern as she gazes at me. "Remus, where have you been? You missed so many classes and McGonagall would not tell me what happened. Neither would Potter, Black, or Peter." I tried thinking of a lie but with her eyes so full of concern and compassion all I could do was bow my head. "Lily, we should talk." We made our way to my little quite niche in the library. As I tell her everything I see her eyes widen in shock and sadness than narrow in bitter anger. By the end of my story her eyes are watery with tears. She reaches out and holds my hand. "Rem, how could you think that no one cares about you? You are my friend and love you like a brother. How could you think for a second I wouldn't give a crap if you died?" Her words have an edge of anger in them, much like Sirius's words had when he first talked to me. "Lily" I mumble, "You will go on, get married, have lots of kids, and live a good and full life. I won't. I'll be hated and alone. But then I had them come into my life and Sirius…someone I had scolded myself for falling in love with told me he felt the same. I felt like I had been freed from the life of misery that I knew awaited me. But when he told Snape…I…I thought it was over I thought I had lost everything. Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is full of shit. When that is all you have and you lose it, it breaks you. The fact I resisted doing what I did as long as I had shocks me. When Sirius looked at me and told me what he had done, it more painful than any full moon. And even if we have reconciled and if somehow if he actually means what he has said about still loving me, there will always be this between us. He betrayed me in telling Severus my secret and I betrayed him by trying to end my pathetic existence because if he loves, he would have been devastated."

Lily sighed. "You know Rem, he did betray you. But you still love him and you still want him. You betrayed him and he has said he still wants you. I was raised to believe that you forgive and forget. If you love him, don't doubt that he says." All I could do is nod. Lily, as usual, was right. I love him, it's really that simple. Though part of my heart screamed in protest, reminding me how much pain he had caused me and how he could never love a freak like me. I close my eyes and do all I can to squash the voice. A warm hand comes to rest on my cheek. "Rem, just go find him. And promise me no matter what, even if everyone you love dies, never do anything to yourself like this again because than we would have to come back and kick your ass." I sigh and open my eyes as I get up. "I promise Lily pad, and thank you." She smiles and winks. "No, get going furball!" I roll my eyes and I walk to the dormitory, but now my walk is swift. I push through the Fat Lady's portrait and into the common room, now deserted. I make my way up the stairs and take a deep breath and push open the door. My eyes take in the room and I see Sirius sitting on my bed, his back against the headboard. I open my mouth to say something but I realize his eyes are shut.

From the other side of the room I hear a soft voice. "He was up all night; he said he was too excited to sleep. He finally fell asleep about two hours ago. He would have come down to the hospital wing but he had a detention for Slughorn this morning so he couldn't nap then." James was sitting on the edge of his own bed with a copy of Quidditch Weekly in his hands. He gazes at me in silence for a few seconds before standing up and bringing me into a hug. "Great to have you back Moony. Anyway, I'm going to go spy on Lily for a while. I'm sure Padfoot will want to welcome you in his own way." His mouth twitched on the last word before breaking into a smile. He makes his way to the door, but turned quickly as made his way out of the door. "Just please remember the silence charm this time."

I chuckle and walk to my bed. I can't help but smile. He stayed up for me, something so simple but so touching. I lay down gently on the bed so I don't wake him. I maneuver myself so my head is lying in his lap. Had I really come so close to losing this? At this moment the events of the past few days seem like a lifetime ago. The minuets tick by and I feel my eyelids grow heavier and eventually I fall into darkness.

My eyes fly open as two very heavy objects fall on top of me. I scramble in the bed as I feel Sirius's body do the same. Looking around I see what interrupted my sleep, a laughing Peter and James. I hear the snap of a camera and looking up I see Lily smiling lowering her camera. From behind me I feel arms close around me and pull me into a tight hug, feeling my back pop in several places at the same time. Lips meet mine in a passionate kiss. Sirius, ignoring the two other Marauders' now in the bed, seemingly only had eyes for me. "MOONY!" I feel another kiss, this one landing on my neck. My eyes close, enjoying the sensations coursing through my body. I can feel the movement of the bed as the two other get out of the bed quickly.

I open my eyes and I gaze into Sirius's eyes as we sit on my sitting room floor. His face is alive with humor and he is laughing. "I swear I never saw James move that quickly unless it involved Lily." His laughing renews. I can't stop myself, his laugh is contagious and I start laughing too. Minuets to tick and we quite down, both of us become pensive. Finally, Sirius breaks the silence. "Rem, can I ask, if you thought you lost your friends and you tried to end your life, was the reason you didn't do it after the nights James and Lily died because of the promise?" I shake my head. "Actually, not really. There was something else that kept me going." Sirius waits for me to say what it was but I don't. "Was it because you thought I may be innocent?" he asks as he places his hand on my knee. I can't look him in the eyes as I tell him the truth. "No, Pads, I thought you were guilty of everything they accused you of." I look up and see the look in his face. A quite sadness has replaced the happiness of a few minutes previously. "So, what was it?" He asks his downcast eyes upon the floor. "It was Harry." His head snaps up and looks at me. "His parents were dead, Peter I thought was dead, his godfather as good as. I was the only one left. I have a responsibility to James and Lily to protect him when I can and be able to tell him how wonderful his parents were. If I were dead, that would be the end of the Marauder's. I couldn't let that happen until I knew Harry would be safe, happy, and knew his parents as well as possible." Sirius smiles and nods his agreement. "Well, as James pointed out, you are the closest thing he ever had to a godmother." His bark like laughs at the last part and he jumps up, knowing full well I would never let him get away with that.