Author's Notes
Happy Monday!
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed Chapter 12. I'm glad many of you liked it, even with the absence of much MerDer. I have to admit that over a week later, just thinking about Abby saying "Is a beautiful day to save lives," never fails to make me smile.
I would just like to reiterate again that this will be MerDer, and I have zero intentions of making either of them out to be an ogre. Derek and Meredith will both make mistakes, because neither of them are perfect. They are human. They have flaws. If at any point in time you think I am making them out to be horrible, remember that you're only seeing one side to the story. You'll hear everything eventually. It all works out in the end. I promise. This week, I finally figured out where this entire universe ends (I'd say story, but this might turn way too mammoth for just one) and my fangirl heart is over the moon about it.
Try to trust me :)
Old Scars, Future Hearts
Chapter Thirteen
My mother was one of the greats.
She was cutthroat, brilliant, and one of the greatest surgeons of her generation.
She paved the way for women in surgery.
Ellis Grey is a surgical immortal.
That greatness, that reputation comes at a price. It requires sacrifice.
I was one of her sacrifices. Her marriage to my father was another.
Surgery came first. It always came first.
I came in second. Sometimes, I even came in third.
I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone.
When I decided to go to medical school, when I made the decision to become a surgeon, I dismissed the thought of ever being a mother.
I had great one night stands, but never relationships. The thought of marriage never even crossed my mind.
Maybe marriage would be okay, with the right guy, some day far away.
But motherhood? No way. No way would I ever put a child through what my mother had put me through.
She never cared about me, at least not that she showed.
So I rebelled like hell for most of my teenage years.
I applied to medical school for the sole purpose of angering her.
Backpacking through Europe almost got me disowned.
A high and mighty psychiatrist once told teenage me that I acted out to try and get her attention. On some level, they might have been right. All I wanted was for my mother to be proud of me. Was that too much to ask?
Apparently, it was.
She'll never be proud of me. She'll never tell me that she loves me.
My mother has Alzheimer's. I'm the one responsible for making all the decisions. And she doesn't want anyone to know.
I'm an intern. This is one of the hardest years of my entire professional life.
I do not need complicated.
My mother? Complicated.
Coming back to Seattle? Complicated.
The night before intern year started was supposed to be just another one night stand. It wasn't supposed to be complicated. And then it was. My one night stand was my boss. My boss's boss's boss.
We agreed it was inappropriate and that was supposed to be the end of it.
It was. Until he kissed me in the elevator.
I fell hard for Derek Shepherd.
I fell hard for McDreamy.
I couldn't get enough of him. I mean, have you seen him? I don't think there's such a thing as too much Derek Shepherd.
I, Meredith Grey, was in a relationship. Outside of the whole 'he's my boss' thing, it wasn't complicated.
Until Mark Sloan showed up with his daughter.
I love Derek, even if I haven't said the words yet. I adore how much he loves Abby. She is the center of his universe. His whole face lights up when he talks about her. Abigail Mackenzie Shepherd is the love of Derek Shepherd's life.
But, Derek having a daughter adds a whole new level of complicated to our relationship.
I'm an intern. My mother has Alzheimer's. Can I really handle this level of complicated?
I want to. I want it so much, but the very thought of it terrifies me.
Outside of the additional complication Derek brings to my life, there is something else holding me back from giving him the answer I know he's desperate to hear. He hasn't forgotten the ultimatum he gave me, even if we haven't talked about it. Neither have I.
You see, I was raised by a single parent who was also a surgical God. And it sucked.
Derek talks a great talk about being a father first and a surgeon second, but he has yet to prove it. That's not his fault; he didn't have custody to be able to prove it. I know he'll try. For Abby's sake, he would try anything.
But he still talks about being Chief of Surgery and changing the face of medicine.
Derek Shepherd still has endless ambition and the cut throat competitive edge that made him the Head of Neurosurgery at 33.
He is well on his way to becoming as much of a surgical immortal as my mother.
Can he make the sacrifices my mother refused to even consider?
A part of my heart says yes. The man I love would never raise his daughter the way my mother raised me.
He was ready to quit his job to move to New York in order to be near Abby.
I will never forget the look on his face when he told me he was falling in love with me, but he and Abby were a package deal.
Derek is so worried about being enough for her, that my heart says he'll make the sacrifices. He won't see any other option.
My brain and another part of my heart aren't quite as certain.
Experience has taught me otherwise. You can't have it all. Surgical Gods are surgical Gods, not parents. People with that much talent don't just walk away.
The thought of being with Derek and watching another child come in second to surgery makes me sick to my stomach. If Derek can't pull off being a father, I want no part of it. I will not be party to another child's broken heart.
The part of my heart that belongs to Derek Shepherd is fighting that thought with all it has.
He's not my mother. He's a better man than my father.
He's not Ellis. He's not Thatcher.
Abby comes first.
He has a family. Mark, Amelia, and Alex will help Derek and Abby however they can. Things won't be like they were for me.
Am I really going to walk away from this amazing man out of fear that he'll turn into my parents?
Can I walk away from Derek Shepherd?
Do I even want to?
Life is messy, that's how we're made.
This is complicated. I have no idea how things are going to turn out.
What I do know is this: I am in love with Derek Christopher Shepherd.
So, I guess the real question is, is that enough?
- Meredith Grey
Tuesday, August 31st
Seattle
The Emerald City Bar
"So what are you going to do?" Cristina asked softly.
"I don't know," Meredith groaned. "I love him, Cristina. I really freaking love him."
"And what do you think of Abby?"
Meredith smiled.
Jackpot, Cristina thought. It was virtually impossible not to love that girl.
"He isn't asking you to play Mommy, Mer," Cristina pointed out.
"I know that!" Meredith insisted. "That's not the problem."
"We figured we'd find you here," Alex said quietly, sliding into the booth next to Meredith. "I told Mark to order a round of tequila. He's paying."
"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked in disbelief.
Alex was supposed to be at Derek's having dinner with his family. If today had shown her anything, it was that Alex was truly a part of Derek Shepherd's family. Abby adored him. Mark considered him a very good friend. And so did Amelia.
Alex was lucky. The Shepherds seemed like one great family to be a part of.
'So what's stopping you from being a part of it?' her subconscious screamed. 'You could have that too.'
Amelia smiled at her as she sat down on the other side of the table, next to Cristina. "We're giving Derek and Abby some Daddy/Daughter alone time. Hopefully he's fairing better than Mark's first time alone with Abby."
"This isn't Derek's first time alone with Abby," Alex pointed out. "And he's handled the other times just fine."
"You can pay for your own drinks, Amy. You too, Karev," Mark put the tray of tequila shots and a strawberry daiquiri down before sitting down on a stool at the end of the table.
"You called Lizzie like twenty five times that day!" Amelia protested. "You didn't handle it well."
"Sorry I was slightly concerned at what Derek would do to me if I messed Abby up somehow," Mark rolled his eyes. "So, Grey, you seem surprisingly sober."
"Don't be an ass, Mark!" Amy slapped his arm, earning her a grin from Meredith and Cristina.
"I'm entitled to have an opinion," Mark shot back.
Amy rolled her eyes. "Just ignore him, Mer. He's always been desperate for attention."
Alex snorted. "I can't say I disagree with him. I am a little surprised to find you sober too, Mer."
"You are so not getting sex this week," Amy glared at him.
Meredith greatly enjoyed watching Mark's facial expressions after that bomb dropped.
"What?" Mark sputtered. "I'm sorry, but what?"
Amelia paled. "Crap. You didn't hear that."
It took everything Mark had not to drag Alex out of the bar to threaten him properly. Amy was his sister. He liked Alex Karev, he did, but the thought of him with his baby sister didn't sit well.
Then again, the thought of any guy with Amy didn't sit well.
"Fine," he eventually muttered. "But I don't want to know anything about this. I want to be able to claim ignorance when Derek finds out and explodes."
Alex let out a shaky sigh of relief. "Thanks."
"I wouldn't thank me yet," Mark said darkly. "If Derek wants to kill you when he finds out, I'll be first in line to help him."
"I'm an adult!" Amelia protested. "Neither of you have the right to kill anyone. I can make my own choices, Mark."
"Yes, because you've made oh so many good ones!" Mark shot back. "You're our sister, Amy. Being overprotective is in our job description as your big brothers."
Meredith watched Amelia carefully as she thought over Mark's words. Everyone made bad decisions. Hell, Mark slept with his best friend's wife. What had Amelia done to deserve a comment like that?
"Well," Cristina cut in, wanting to avoid any more family drama. "Let's get back to Meredith."
"I second that!" Alex insisted. "So why hasn't dark and twisty drowned herself in tequila yet tonight?"
Amelia kicked him.
She liked Meredith Grey. She had ever since she moved back out to Seattle and gotten to know the intern. She was brilliant, kind, funny, and she loved her brother. She knew in time, Meredith would fall in love with Abby too.
Amelia could understand Meredith's doubts and fears. She was a young, twenty something who had just started one of the hardest years of her professional life. According to Alex, Mer had never been in a real relationship. Dating the Head of Neurosurgery at her hospital would be complicated enough, if not too complicated for most people. Add in a child and that would probably be a deal breaker.
It would for Amelia.
Regardless of Meredith's declining her brother's offer to come for dinner, which really, Amelia thought Derek was a moron for even making, she hadn't run away. He had given her the perfect out with the ultimatum, and Meredith's response had basically been 'this is crazy complicated, but I want to get to know you. I want to give this a shot.'
Meredith had been a God-send to Derek the past month. No matter how much they pushed him to come back to Seattle, Liz and Dan were worried about how Derek would handle being separated from Abby. The 'what's I love you mean' thing nearly broke him. Getting on that plane was one of the hardest things her brother had ever done. But Derek had fallen head over heels for Meredith Grey, and he was okay. He wasn't great, but he was okay and that was far more than any of them had expected.
Some members of their family (ahem, Nancy) believed Meredith was just a phase.
Amelia knew better.
She wasn't just a distraction. She wasn't just a fling. Derek Shepherd loved Meredith Grey.
Meredith Grey loved Derek Shepherd too, even if she hadn't said the words yet.
She never would have gone to LA if she didn't.
Just hours earlier, Meredith had swore to Derek that she wasn't running.
And she wasn't.
It looked like they had stumbled upon Mer and Cristina having a heart to heart, not a drunken 'my life is a mess' pity party.
"One more rude comment and you can both leave," Amelia snapped, glaring at Mark and Alex.
Alex held his hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, okay, I'll play nice!"
"I'm thinking," Meredith sighed. "My heart and brain don't want to agree on anything right now."
"I know this is complicated," Alex said gently. "But do you think you might be overcomplicating it in your head? You aren't marrying the guy. You aren't even moving in with the guy. From where I'm standing, the only thing that's different today than it was yesterday is now Derek has a four year old who wants his attention too."
"I just want to be sure I can commit to this!" Meredith insisted. "This can't just be some fling, not when Abby's been abandoned so much already. I've never even had a relationship before, how can I be so sure that I love him? I barely know what the word means. How can I be sure this is going to work out?"
"You can't," Mark said quietly. "None of us know what tomorrow is going to bring, Grey. Derek's not asking you to predict the future. You care about Derek. You're worried about this not working and inadvertently hurting Abby. That's all he wants. All he wants is for you to commit to not running the second things get hard. He wants you to try. That's all he's asking for."
"No one is saying you have to say yes today and meet Abby as Derek's girlfriend tomorrow. This isn't going to happen overnight. You can go as slow as you need to," Amelia encouraged her. "Mark's right, all Derek wants is for you to try."
"It's been years since I've seen my brother as happy as he is with you," Amelia smiled. "I know he makes you happy too. There aren't sides here, Meredith. It's not you versus Derek. I think we are all firmly on Team MerDer here."
"Team what?" Cristina asked as Alex barely contained his laughter.
"MerDer," Amelia repeated. "You know, it's their relationship name."
"This isn't some television drama," Mark said drily. "Why do they have a relationship name?"
"Because!" she insisted. "They do."
"What are you and Alex then?" Meredith giggled. "Or Burke and Cristina?"
"Amex," Amelia said grinning. "Burke and Cristina? Hmm, I don't know. We should think about that."
"Was there a point to this conversation?" Mark asked. "I can't remember."
"I get Amy's point," Alex spoke up. "No one here is taking sides. We all want what's best for both of them. Personally, I think Derek and Meredith should be together. Take the time you need, Mer, but actions speak far louder than words. You're all in. You've been all in for over a month."
"I second that," Cristina nodded. "Team MerDer."
"I think I'm far too old to be hanging out with you all," Mark rolled his eyes. "But, fine. I ship MerDer too."
That nearly stunned Meredith speechless. Mark Sloan was Derek Shepherd's person. For all that he picked on her, he really thought she was good enough for his brother.
Amelia and Alex high-fived while Cristina erupted into laughter all over again.
Meredith grinned at her person and her friends.
Her family.
Amelia Shepherd and Mark Sloan had been a part of Derek's life forever. If there were sides in this, they would be firmly on Team Derek.
After all that Derek had done for Alex, he probably should be on Team Derek too.
The only one here who was firmly on Team Meredith was Cristina.
But they weren't taking sides. As Alex said, everyone at this table wanted what was best for her and for Derek. They were both equally important.
Team MerDer.
She liked the sound of that.
Thursday, September 2nd
Meredith had texted him last night, but he hadn't talked to her since Tuesday afternoon.
He knew she needed space. She needed to make a decision.
Him having a daughter wasn't just some abstract concept anymore. It was real.
Abby was here, in Seattle, living in his apartment.
She wasn't just here for a visit.
She wouldn't be going home with Mark.
As Abby said, she gets to live with him forever and ever.
Meredith had been his lifeline for the past month.
But she young and an intern and he was her first real relationship. Of course this scared her. It scared him.
Amy and Mark had reamed him for inviting her to dinner the other night.
It had been selfish, he could admit that now. Even the God of Neurosurgery had flaws.
He wanted Meredith to be a part of his life with Abby so badly that he ignored his brain and acted with his heart.
He was a brainless brain surgeon as his sisters liked to tell him.
The day after Meredith found out about Abby, he gave her an ultimatum.
They hadn't talked about it since.
Abby had seen them kissing. Derek managed to distract her and dodged the bullet of having to explain why he was kissing a girl, but Abby was smart. If Meredith had come over that night, Abby would have recognized her. Abby would have wanted to know why she was at a family dinner.
That would have been a disaster.
Meredith needed to make a decision and they needed to talk.
Then, if she decided she was all in, Derek would try and figure out how to explain the concept of dating to his four year old.
God help him.
Derek sighed as he parked across the street from Meredith's house. Bailey had volunteered to watch Abby for the morning so he could talk to her. He made a mental note to add that to the list of reasons the world was probably ending soon. Miranda Bailey was giving up sleep after working 36 hours to watch his daughter so he could talk to his girlfriend. Would wonders never cease.
"What on earth are you doing?" he asked in disbelief.
Meredith was underneath her car. From the looks of it, she was attempting to change her tire. Trying, was the key word there.
He could hear her huff angrily.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you," he said, fighting the urge to grin. "But now I think I can be more useful by changing your tire for you. Have you ever changed a tire before?"
She crawled out from under the car and scowled at him. "Why? I can't change a tire because I'm a girl?"
"No," Derek said drily. "Because the jack is in the wrong place. If you take the tire off like that, the car would crush you."
"Oh," Meredith said sheepishly. "Sorry."
"I have four sisters," he reminded her. "Who are all just as capable as I am at most things, including changing the tires on their cars. Girls can do anything guys can do. I wasn't knocking you. So, do you want help?"
Meredith stood up, wiping her eyes as she glanced at her watch.
She was crying.
He could not handle her crying.
"Mer," Derek pleaded desperately. "I can change your tire, or I can teach you how if you want to do it yourself. Why are you crying? Please don't cry."
"I'm not crying!" she insisted, as more tears leaked out of her eyes. "Damn it!"
Without another word, Derek moved closer, wrapping her in his arms.
"You're off today," he murmured. "Why are you so upset about this?"
"I have a meeting," she hiccuped. "And I'm late. George spilled coffee on me earlier so I had to change and now this stupid tire is flat and..."
"So I'll drive you," Derek offered. "Bailey has Abby until 1. We can grab lunch after, make a date of it."
For a moment, Derek thought she would disagree, but eventually she nodded.
Meredith gave him directions quietly, but didn't say much else.
What on earth was this meeting about?
She bolted out of his car as soon as he parked, leaving him to stare at the building in bewilderment.
Rose Ridge Nursing Home.
His jaw nearly hit the floor.
Suddenly, he doubted the rumors that Ellis Grey was traveling and writing were true. She was young, far too young to land herself in a nursing home if something wasn't seriously wrong. Ellis Grey wouldn't be in a nursing home unless she was incapable of taking care of herself. She would never allow it otherwise.
What had it been? A stroke? Advanced Parkinson's? A psychiatric disorder?
It was nearly an hour later that Meredith emerged from the building. She was shaking, and he could see the tears falling down her face from inside the car. Jumping out, he raced around the car to meet her.
"Are you alright?" he whispered, rubbing her arm gently.
Meredith took a breath as she met his eyes. "My mother has Alzheimer's."
Derek grimaced. He had been afraid of that.
Of all the neurological diseases, Derek considered Alzheimer's the worst. He couldn't imagine being robbed of his memories. He couldn't imagine forgetting Abby, his parents, his sisters, Mark, his nieces, his nephews.
One of the worst part of Alzheimer's, in Derek's mind, was the effect it had on a patient's family. The mere thought of his mother not remembering him made Derek feel nauseous.
Meredith was dealing with that. Not only had her mother ignored her for most of her life, made her feel inadequate, and never put her first, now Ellis probably barely remembered who Meredith even was.
Meredith had been a lifesaver to him ever since he came back to Seattle. He didn't know how he would have gotten through the past six weeks without her.
Derek wished she had told him earlier. He would have wanted to be there for her too.
"She doesn't want anyone to know," she continued. "You're the only person I've told."
God, he hated Ellis Grey. How could she expect Meredith to cope with this alone?
"Oh Mer," he said gently, "I'm so sorry. How can I help?"
"Just be here," Meredith whispered, leaning her head on his chest. "Just be you."
Friday, September 3rd
Have you ever felt like someone was hiding something?
Not something minor, like a dented car bumper or spilled coffee.
Something big.
Something life changing.
Something important.
Alex had that feeling. He had it in spades. He couldn't imagine what it is or why she was hiding it from him.
His relationship with Amy had at first started just because she was there. They were friends first, something he couldn't say about any of his previous girlfriends. Alex knew many of her deepest secrets and her greatest fears. At least, she said he did.
But the questions had been building in his mind for a while now. There were things that didn't add up to the image he had of her.
At first, he had dismissed them. But now that he looked at all the little things that he had mentally questioned, he couldn't dismiss them any longer.
Derek's questions about why Amy had decided to go to medical school in Seattle didn't make sense. Derek was Amy's best friend. She told him everything and she worshipped the ground he walked on. Honestly, Amy's hero worship of Derek put Abby's to shame sometimes. They argued, but in the way siblings do. It was never mean or vindictive. Amy was one of Derek's best friends too.
From their childhood stories, it had been that way forever. So how on earth could Derek not know what brought Amy to Seattle?
There were other things too.
Mark's comment from Tuesday nights about her not always making good decisions. Everyone made mistakes, Mark included. Why say something like that to counter Amy's 'I'm an adult' argument?
Those comments from her brothers were two of the things that stuck out most strongly, but there was something else that had been bothering him for a while too.
He had never seen Amy drink. Ever.
When they went out together with his friends, she ordered for herself. They were usually virgin drinks, leaving Mer and Cristina oblivious, but he had overheard her order enough to know she never had anything alcoholic. When they were with her family, Derek or Mark paid for drinks. Without even asking, they brought her non-alcoholic drinks, even while they themselves got drunk.
She never objected. She never argued.
The Shepherds were drinkers, he had seen that enough in New York. Liz, Dan, Mark, and Derek liked to go to bars. Amy hated bars. She was fine in restaurants with bars in them, but a plain bar like Joe's? Tuesday night was the first and only time Alex had gotten her to agree to go there. He knew she only went for Meredith.
Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe Amy's lack of drinking had nothing to do with what seemed to be a several year falling out between her and Derek. Maybe it had nothing to do with Mark's comments.
Should he ask her?
He was her boyfriend.
They all hounded Meredith and Derek about communicating better. Shouldn't that rule apply here too?
She had her right to secrets, and if she didn't want to tell him he would drop it.
But she had told him other things, things he knew Derek hadn't shared with Meredith yet. Could this really be worse than those?
"Amy?" he finally spoke up.
The two of them had volunteered to watch Abby while Derek went in for an emergency surgery. Abby had worn herself out nearly an hour ago and was now sound asleep in her bed.
Now was as good of a time as any.
She looked at him questionably, exhausted herself. Apparently Abby hadn't just worn herself out, she had taken Amy along for the ride.
Maybe he should drop it.
No. He wanted to know.
"Why didn't Derek know you went to medical school in Seattle?"
She gulped and Alex instantly felt like crap. She hadn't told him for a reason. He should have just minded his own business.
"No, it's okay," she whispered at his attempt to apologize. "You should know. Derek knows I went to medical school in Seattle, but he didn't know back then. He only found out when he ran into me at Seattle Grace. Derek and I... We didn't really speak for a while, for years."
Alex had figured that part out, but it still floored him. You would never in a million years guess that by watching the two of them now.
"It was my fault," she continued. "Derek had every right to hate me. He had every right in the world to push me out of his life. He regrets it now, he's apologized a million times for it in the years since we made up, but I can't say I would have reacted differently if the roles were reversed. And if I'm being honest, Derek pushing me out saved my life."
"I was 5 years old when my father died in front of me," Amy whispered, tears falling down her face. "Derek didn't handle it, God how could anyone handle that, but he managed to hold himself together far better than I did. It's really hard, you know, being a teenage girl and listening to all your friends bitch and moan about their overprotective parents. How their fathers don't let them go on dates. How awful they are. I would have given anything, I still would, for my Dad to give me crap about dating and boys. I'm still not sure how it all happened, but I got introduced to drugs and alcohol towards the end of middle school. By the time Derek was an intern, I was addicted to oxy."
Alex pushed down his feelings. His father had been a drug addict too. He never wanted that in his life again. But Amy wasn't using now, she couldn't be. Derek would never let her within a hundred feet of Abby if she was. He had to hear her out.
Besides, she had told him that before. Now that he really thought about it, she told him she was a recovering drug addict the night of Abby's surgery. They never spoke of it again, and so he kind of forgot about it, but she had told him.
"I stole Derek's prescription pads," she admitted, sobbing now. "One night, I overdosed. I wasn't breathing when Derek found me. I was clinically dead. Derek did CPR until the ambulance came and he's the only reason I'm still alive. He was furious. I did this to myself, he said. He didn't speak to me again for years. Derek has always been my best friend and his words hurt. My Mom told me that the best way to try and win his forgiveness was to make something of myself. Prove to myself and him that I was more than just an addiction. So I did. I threw myself into school and went to medical school. I swore to myself that I would invite him to the graduation, that's when I would show him I was better. I think a part of me was afraid I wouldn't make it, and graduation seemed so far away. If I could make it that far, then I really made it and maybe Derek would see that."
She snorted. "I almost didn't make it. I was a med student at Seattle Grace and I lost my first patient. It wasn't my fault, but it was my resident's. We should have caught it, we all should have, and then maybe that man would still be alive today. It crushed me, and for the first time since I OD'd I seriously considered taking an oxy to numb the pain."
Alex's breath hitched.
"I was so close, I found a dealer and everything."
Amy smiled. Alex wanted to shake her. What the hell was there to smile about?
"I told myself I'd get some after my shift. I never did," she met his eyes, still smiling. "Because that morning, I crashed head first into the new Chief Resident in the lobby. I tried to run away, but he didn't let me. He chased after me, made me talk, and I realized that having him in my life was a way better coping mechanism than popping oxy."
He. Alex nearly gasped. It was Derek.
"My brother is my superhero," Amy said softly. "I've made some terrible decisions, I nearly killed myself, and yet I'm still here. I'm still here, I'm still sober because of Derek Shepherd."
"I'm still an addict," she informed him. "That's not something you just turn off. It's why I don't drink. It's a big reason why Derek and Mark are so overprotective."
Amy knew all about Alex's past. He had told her about his alcoholic father and the abuse he had lived through as a child. She wouldn't blame him if he walked out.
She wasn't expecting him to sit next to her and kiss her.
"Thank you," Alex whispered, leaning in to kiss her again. "Thank you for telling me."
"It doesn't bother you?" she asked, desperation in her voice.
"You told me you were a recovering drug addict months ago. Knowing the details doesn't change anything. I love you," Alex told her seriously. "And that's all I care about right now."
Sunday, September 5th
"I've been stuck working overtime while Shepherd gets all this time off."
Cristina bit back her annoyed sigh.
"How do Shepherd's days off impact your schedule?" she asked. "Last I checked, you weren't a neurosurgeon."
He glared at her. "That's not the point."
"Well what is?" Cristina snapped. "God this pissing contest between you and Shepherd is getting old fast."
"He thinks he's God. He thinks he walks on water and Webber lets him! He's sleeping with an intern and Webber didn't even bat an eye."
"You're sleeping with an intern too," she said drily. "Shouldn't it be a good thing that Webber doesn't care?"
"Webber doesn't know about us!" Burke hissed. "Shepherd didn't tell him, he wants us to get caught so Webber reams me."
Her jaw dropped. Derek hadn't ratted them out? He voluntarily went to Webber about his relationship with Meredith, and he didn't take the opportunity to knock Burke down a peg?
Of course he didn't, her subconscious screamed. He found out about you and Burke because you're friends with his girlfriend. He found out because you're friends with him. Derek told Webber about him and Meredith to protect both of their careers. There was no underhanded reasoning, no attempt at sabotaging anyone.
Derek was cut throat, but he had one of the biggest hearts of anyone Cristina had ever met. He loved Meredith and he cared about Alex. She was their friend. She was a part of his make shift Seattle family too. Telling Webber about her relationship with Burke would have hurt Meredith, but it also would have hurt her. So he didn't.
If the roles were reversed, if she had let slip to Burke about Mer and Derek, he would have been the first to go running to Webber. She knew that.
When Mer told her about the fight she had with Derek, Cristina found herself silently taking Derek's side. He was right. Burke would jump at the chance to knock Derek down.
"Shepherd didn't tell Webber because Meredith asked him not to," Cristina said quietly, even though that was a lie. Mer never asked him to stay quiet. He'd done that on his own. But Burke would never believe that, and it wasn't worth the fight. "He had no other reasoning beyond that. Now can we please stop talking about Derek Shepherd? You're ruining the mood."
"I'm your person," Cristina said from the doorway of Meredith's bedroom later that night.
"Who did you kill?" Meredith groaned, rolling over to get out of bed. "Where's the body?"
Cristina snorted. "There's no body. But I need to talk to you. And you need to listen."
Meredith was worried. Cristina was being strangely serious, even for her. "What's wrong?"
"Derek was right," Cristina said the words she had been dying to say ever since Mer recounted their fight to her. "About Burke, Derek was right. He would have gone running to Webber if I had slipped up about you two."
"I don't want to talk about that stupid fight. I just want to pretend it never happened. Derek and I are doing a good job at pretending it never happened," Meredith sighed. "Derek wanted me to choose, and I won't choose. I can't choose between you two. You are the two most important people in my world. It would be like asking him to choose between Mark and me."
"Have you talked to him about this?" Cristina asked. "It sounds like he was just as hurt as you were, and really, Mer? You made that into a fight. All he was trying to do was protect the two of you from any consequences at work. He wasn't really asking you to choose at all; he was trying to make things easier on me if you think about it. How awful would I feel if I slipped to Burke and you both paid the price?"
Meredith's eyes widened. She hadn't thought about it like that.
"He's still freaking focused on his career!" she protested. "He has a child and he's still worried about Burke ruining his chances at Chief!"
"Liz Shepherd Kraft has a husband and four kids," Cristina pointed out. "And she's Chief of Surgery."
Meredith huffed.
"Look," Cristina said gently. "I don't want to fight with you. But you really need to talk to Derek. Really talk to him. Because otherwise, you'll just bottle all this crap up and it will explode over nothing one day. I like Derek. I like you with Derek. Don't mess this up, Mer. Not over stupid, pointless arguments."
"Why are you defending him so much?" Meredith asked curiously. "He told Webber about you and Burke. He did the same thing he was accusing Burke of doing."
She had been wondering that ever since the 'Team MerDer' conversation at Joe's last week. Cristina's love for her and Derek confused her sometimes.
"He didn't tell Webber about me and Burke," she said.
Meredith's eyes widened. She would have bet everything that Derek would sell Burke out. The two of them hated each other.
"Derek told Webber about his relationship with you. He never said a word about me and Burke. Your guy is pretty awesome, Mer."
Holy crap. Holy freaking crap.
She was an idiot.
They really needed to get better at this whole communicating thing.
But she couldn't help but smile. Cristina was right. Her guy is pretty awesome.
Derek Shepherd was her guy.
And she really liked the sound of that.
Monday, September 6th
"You look like you just ran a marathon," Meredith teased as he entered the elevator.
"I feel like it too," Derek responded, wrapping an arm around her. "It's called the get Abby to daycare and to rounds on time marathon."
"Can't say I've heard of that one," she grinned. "But it sounds grueling."
"You have no idea," he muttered.
"Hey!" Meredith said as the elevator reached their stop. "Can we get lunch later? I've barely seen you all week."
Derek's face lit up. "Yes," he said breathlessly, a grin taking over his entire face. "Lunch sounds great. My office?"
"Sure," she agreed. "But we'll be eating. And talking. That's it."
"You say that now," he whispered in her ear as she snorted.
He was insatiable.
By the time they were finally able to sit down for lunch, Derek looked even more burnt out.
"Rough day?" Meredith asked, concerned for her boyfriend.
He just moaned and rested his head on his desk.
"Derek?" she repeated. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this," he said quietly. "I'm a surgeon. I've spent a decade building this career. How can I walk away from all of that? How do I take a step back?"
She didn't know what to say. This was her fear too. Derek had no idea how to step back.
"But I wake up to my daughter's laughter every morning and it is the best sound I've ever heard," Derek continued. "I became a father overnight. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I want so badly to be good enough for Abby, but I'm terrified that I can't be. I can say she comes first until I'm blue in the face, but now I have to prove that and I'm scared that I can't."
"Just the fact that you think about all of this, that you're scared of not being good enough, says you can," Meredith told him.
"I was paged on Friday night," he said. "And I came in. I was off and supposed to be spending time with my kid, and what did I do? I handed her off to Alex and Amy and came into work."
"There is a huge difference between asking your sister and Alex to watch Abby so you can come in for emergency surgery and leaving Abby with nannies so you can work 100 hours a week. Abby adores Alex and Amy, Derek. She was probably happy to spend time with them."
"But..."
"No," Meredith cut him off. "You cannot beat yourself up over Friday night."
"I still want to be Chief," he admitted. "I still want to be a Neuro God and cure diseases. I've wanted those things forever, and the thought of walking away from them makes me sick."
Meredith thought for a moment. "Would you still want them if it meant hurting Abby?"
"No!" Derek snapped. "How could you..."
"So there's no problem," Meredith felt a weight lift off of her as she said this. "You have to worry about figuring out how to handle being a father with the job you have right now. You can't think about what could happen several years down the road. And right now, you aren't Chief of Surgery. I believe you will always choose Abby. In time, you'll believe that too, I'm sure of it."
It was okay to have ambition. It was okay to still want to be the best.
That drive, that competitiveness and skill that made Derek Shepherd world renowned were the very reasons that Abby was even alive right now.
He wouldn't be who he was if he found it easy to turn those dreams off over night.
If Derek were offered Chief tomorrow, he would probably take it.
But the second he saw his job impacting his ability to be Abby's father, it would be over.
Derek Shepherd was a father first and foremost. And that fact made Meredith fall even more in love with him.
Tuesday, September 7th
Meredith groaned as she saw Derek slam the door of his office shut.
"Abby's going to push him off the deep end," Mark said angrily, coming up beside her. "I barely recognize that kid these days."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "What's she doing? She's only four, Dr. Sloan."
He scowled. "I thought the same thing last month, but I'm starting to think I was wrong. Abby knows exactly what she's doing. She knows her words are hurting him and she's saying them anyway. This morning, when he dropped her off at daycare, she told him that clearly he would rather be a surgeon than her Daddy."
Meredith grimaced. "Crap."
"You can imagine how well he took that," Mark snapped. "I don't get it. Shouldn't she be happy that she's living here now? Why is she pulling this crap with him?"
Meredith thought about it. If anyone could understand where Abby was coming from, it was Alex and her. Alex understood all about abandonment and foster homes. Meredith knew all about abandonment and surgeon parents.
Why hadn't Abby acted like this with Mark?
Meredith looked at the man critically. "You were fired from Sinai before Abby was discharged, weren't you?"
She'd caught him off guard. "The same day. Why?"
"All summer Abby lived with you in your apartment, right?" Mark nodded. "You never went to work because you didn't have a job. You were home and you played with her everyday. Abby knows you're a surgeon like her Daddy, but all of a sudden she's living with him and he has to go to work. She doesn't understand why you were home. So, if you are a surgeon and stayed home with her, why can't Derek?"
Mark gaped at her. "I never explained it to her," he said quietly. "It didn't seem important."
"And now, you shouldn't even bother to explain it to her," Meredith said. "She'll just think you're taking Derek's side. Derek should be the one to talk to her, but it sounds like she isn't listening to him."
"Oh she listens alright," Mark sighed. "She listens just enough to throw his words back in his face to hurt him."
"Abby is four!" Meredith shot back. "If she's saying things to hurt him, it's because she's hurt too. And she's scared that he is going to leave her too. You don't understand where she's coming from, Mark, so you don't get to judge her!"
"My parents never gave a crap about me, Grey!" he hissed. "I know all about being abandoned."
"You were raised a Shepherd," Meredith countered. "And that's completely different from having your Dad walk out on you and your Mom choose surgery."
"What makes you the freaking expert?" he demanded.
"Because I've been where Abby is," she glared at him. "Maybe not the foster home bit, but I know all about what she's feeling with Derek. And I know all about abandonment."
"So you talk to her then!" Mark snapped, his eyes widening as he said it.
Meredith froze. She should talk to Abby. Derek Shepherd was no Ellis Grey, and Abby needed to know just how much her father loved her. She needed to understand why he had to go to work. She needed to understand that Derek having a job did not mean he would rather be a surgeon than her father.
Kids scared her. She wasn't the mothering type.
But Abby was different.
She would never be her mother, but she could be her Dad's girlfriend.
Derek needed someone to reassure him that he wasn't failing as a father. Meredith had more than enough experience of her own to convince him he was doing great. And, if he happened to get too caught up in surgery every once in a while, she could tell him before Abby got hurt from his actions.
Abby needed someone to talk to, someone who understood what she was feeling. That need would only grow stronger as she got older. Meredith could be that person.
Abby and Derek were a team.
And there was nothing Meredith wanted more than to be a part of it.
"Derek!" Meredith shouted, chasing after him.
She had scrubbed in with him on a craniotomy this morning. And now they needed to talk.
"Derek, wait!"
He turned around, glaring at her. "Can I help you, Dr. Grey?"
She didn't let it bother her. Derek was having a hell of a day.
"I need to talk to you," she said quietly. "Your office?"
He scowled at her. "I'm a little busy today. Can this wait?"
"You had a crappy morning. Mark told me," Meredith whispered. "You're allowed to be an ass, but please don't snap at me."
Derek deflated, his regret obvious. "I'm sorry. Sure, we can talk. I just have paperwork to do for the rest of the day anyway."
When they reached his office, Meredith closed the door behind them.
"You gave me an ultimatum," she started. "The day after I found out about Abby, you said you were a team. You told me how you felt for me didn't matter, because Abby came first. I've never respected you more than I did in that moment. I'm young. My life is crazy complicated. I wasn't sure I could handle anymore. I asked you to wait. I told you I wasn't running."
Derek looked gobsmacked. He clearly hadn't expected their conversation to go this way.
"I've known what my answer was going to be for a while now, at least, my heart did," Meredith said softly. "My heart is what made me get on a plane to LA. My heart is what's made me stand by you through one awful August. Every conversation, every time we talked about Abby, your face lit up. She's your whole world and I found myself falling harder for you with every passing day because of that."
Derek's eyes were filled with cautious hope. They begged her not to crush him.
"I have no idea how this will end up. But I want to try. I'm on Team Shepherd. You and Abby are a package deal, and I fully accept that. I'm all in, Derek."
The smile on Derek's face nearly rendered her speechless. 'I'm in love with you,' his expression said. 'You're perfect.'
She grinned back at him. Suddenly, the words didn't seem so scary.
"I love you," Meredith whispered, rendering him speechless now. "And I am so glad I didn't run."