Present again, read and enjoy
Remus, I guess you're not there. Figures, but if you are there, and listening well firstly, I love you. I love you more than I hate this place, and I am missing you so much. Remus I miss your soft touch and my hand in your hair. I miss your energy in the morning and your smile when you see me. I long so much to see you for just a few minutes, if I have to spend forever in this place. Just one more night in your arms. That would be sufficient to keep me alive. Its terrible in here, no food, nothing at all. The memory of you and I is the only thing sustaining my existance. Remus, you are the only thing keeping me alive. I hope one day to see you again but I am doubtful that that will happen and if I do I might not be able to let you go. I don't know why life has given me this hand, maybe its because you and I are a sin in most, if not all faiths. I don't care though. Those teenage nights we spent together, I would spend 1000 years in Azkaban to keep them safe in my memory. My only regret is that we did not have more together. I am disappointed we didn't get to have a conversation today, I saved 3 months worth of letters to get this, but hearing your voice on the answer phone has not only brought back to me so many of our good times but also the sweet memory of your face, the contours and planes of your body. Your spun gold hair, you're caribbean sea blue eyes. Your shyly alluring smile. So much of what I miss about the outside world resides within the heart of you Remus. The other portion of things I miss are your physical appearance.
He pauses and takes a deep steadying breath.
I love you Remus, and if I find you hated me because of the lie Peter has woven I might not survive another minute. (He sniffed audiably). Anyway, if you're not there I feel useless standing here talking to thin air. I fear the next time I see you will be in death, but I pray this isn't true, for anyone who smites the beautiful face that belongs to the heart of Remus Lupin has committed the highest sin.
Then, right that second my hand flew out to clutch the reciever, quivering, to my tearstained face. I dull tone echoed in my head and I bawled down the phone to a disconnected line.
That was the phone message that changed my life, I went from hating Sirius for taking everything I loved in my life away to aching because I missed him too much. That phone message destroyed everything. I vowed to not ever fall for Sirius again, but here I was hopelessly in love and so happy. Wandering away from the house to go get some food for us. I knew it off by heart, I had listened to it so much, just to hear his voice, to hear his voice when I could do nothing else to be close to him. Tears began to shove their way onto my face but I made sure they never completed their journey.
I had Sirius now and thats all that mattered.
I had a feeling something was wrong, very wrong. So as I apparated back into the house and started putting the copious amounts of shopping away I poured myself and Sirius two glasses of rosé wine. I took a large gulp and set off to look for Sirius, not difficult, this was a flat. He obviously wasn't in the lounge, and I had just come from the kitchen. I strolled over to the bedroom door and froze. The tape of Sirius's phone call was thrown on the bed and Sirius was bringing the player over.
The rosé crashed onto the wooden floor with a sharp noise that barely made me flinch. My shoes were swimming in it and Sirius looked up, looking scared. I was panicking, how much had he read? Did he think I resented him still?
"Sirius...Why would you...please dont say it is...what I think it is..."
He just stared - and stared. I pretty much flew at the bed, to grab the casette from his reach. I would not live down the whole entireity of the tape crying, once Sirius had hung up. Once I had obtained the small, worn device I turned back to Sirius.
"You don't need to hear that, put that back now." I didn't put any emotions into my voice for fear of breaking apart. And suddenly I was pinned to the bed by Sirius. He was so angry, I was actually scared, even though I was taller than him he was more muscular and definitely had the upper hand right now.
"Why should I? Dont you think I know what it is? What it says?" He bellowed, I decided to fight back, I flipped him under me "That is not the point! It's my property, I can do with it what I like, besides, it's barely audible anymore, there's no reason for you to want to-"
He went limp beneath me and I knew he'd got the wrong end of the stick. "So...you hated me...that much...that you'd deface my voice." He closed his eyes and shoved me off him. I was speechless. He thought I would-I shook my head "I'm sorry, I never should-never should have" He was at a loss, and I was devastated, waiting to hear his sentence end. After a few long and silent moments spent staring at each other, waiting to recover from this blow in Sirius's arms, or him in mine, I just needed to hold him. Like we used to in the old days, like when we were young. Instead of my perfect scenario he turned towards the door.
"I never should have fallen for you Moony." He muttered, loud enough for me to hear. My reflexes kicked in and I went after him. "Siri, wait." I begged, wanting to fall to my knees and encase myself in a cocoon of despair. He stopped but didn't turn. I had about 10 seconds before he would carry on leaving me.
"Siri, Padfoot, listen. I didn't deface it. I, I, I wore it out. I couldn't bear it. You being away from me..." He stayed there and I pressed my head to the gap between his tense shoulder blades.
"I'm sorry"