HEART WORLD

~ Shin ~

"Hey, uh… Are you okay?" Toma frowned at me.

She had actually said it, and with that shy, blushing face… I was going to die right here. "I'm fine." My voice was muffled where my face was hidden in my arms.

"You looked like you wanted to run away when I said I wanted to come here to support Michi. Did something else happen?"

"Why do you always think something happened? Why does something always have to happen?"

"Uh-huh." He just waited for me to come around after dosing me with a bit of skepticism.

"I already told you we were going to talk last night. We did, about multiple things. About… Forgiveness, and moving forward. She said she wanted to talk to my dad too, and help him move on."

"Shin, that's… It's pretty amazing. Definitely not something to take for granted."

"I know." I paused. "She also told me that she liked me, before it all happened."

"Wait, what? Why say that now?"

"… She said she still likes me too."

"Oh. Well…" He shifted in his seat awkwardly. "What did you say?"

I looked down at the table, remembering how her mouth had felt against mine, the sensation I had longed for when I had thought I actually had a chance. I was terrible for wanting it still. "I said it was impossible, after everything that's happened."

"That makes sense. It would just be too weird."

He was so quick to agree… I hadn't thought of it yet, how it would look from an outside perspective too. The base thought of Michi and me together without knowing everything behind our relationship… People would definitely find it abhorrent.

"Yeah," I muttered. It was entirely impossible in the end, wasn't it? It was just a feeling I had had once that I needed to abandon now. "Oh man…" I groaned. But there was also no way I was going to forget the image of her saying "master" with that face.

"What?"

"Nothing. I don't know why I let you drag me here." I had been able to avoid talking to my dad last night because he'd fallen asleep, but I wasn't at all certain how he would respond to the idea of talking to Michi. Guilt was eating at him constantly, even now at a little past six months after the incident. I guess I'd been avoiding the conversation even more by letting Toma convince me into coming here. Of course, I didn't have it in me anymore to be reluctant to see Michi.

"We can leave after we finish our drinks."

I checked the time on my phone. "I'm going to leave now. I want to talk to my dad before he goes to work." That way he would have plenty of time to think about the proposition before he got back, and we'd have a likelier chance of discussing things calmly and rationally.

"If you're sure. I'll tell Michi you said goodbye."

"Don't bother." She didn't need that kind of sentiment from me. I had still rejected her, after all. Wait… "Toma, a quick hypothetical question first."

He raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"If you kiss a girl and then reject her, then how is the situation supposed to be perceived?"

"Uh… Hypothetically?"

I nodded.

"Hypothetically. That person who kissed that girl, whoever she was, and I'm sure she's a very sweet girl, that guy is a tool who needs to be more clear either with himself or with the girl." He smiled pleasantly. "Hypothetically, of course."

I scowled. "Of course." He did have a point though. I hadn't even considered at the time what sort of mixed message I'd be sending. In the moment I had been confident that my rejection had been clear, but I had also acted on impulse beforehand by kissing her. It had just been the best way to get my point across, I'd felt.

Now wasn't the time to be preoccupied with it. Once I got home all I was thinking about was how my dad was going to react. I hadn't said a word about Michi yet, so he was bound to be surprised. "Dad?"

"Shin? I thought you said you would be a while." He was doing his overalls up for his new job on construction. A number of places had refused to hire him after it had happened, so he'd taken what he could get.

"I wanted to talk to you before you went to work."

"What is it?" He tore into a sandwich while combing a hand through his thinning hair, pretty much the most he did for his appearance.

"I've been… Talking with Michi lately."

He coughed, nearly choked on his sandwich, and beat a fist against his chest so it would go down. "What?"

"Michi approached me. She says she wants to talk to you." I had decided not to mention what exactly she had wanted to discuss, wanting to leave it to her. She was a better wordsmith than I was under pressure.

"That's…" He slouched, exhaustion suddenly visible in everything he did. He tried to hide it, but of course I was aware.

"You owe it to her, Dad. I spoke with her because I felt that way, and it helped. Please do this for yourself and for me."

"… I'll do it. Just don't expect too much, Shin."

I nodded. This had been more successful than I had thought it would be.

"I'm, uh… Going to take off early then."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I went to my room once he was gone, trying to study but finding my mind too preoccupied. Our conversations had been stilted like that ever since my parents had divorced, but Michi's dad's death had only made things worse. It was like my father and I were too ashamed to look each other in the eye or be honest. With that being the case, there was no way I could simply be open with others too.

Granted, I still had a parent. Michi's parents had divorced a long time ago too, and with her dad gone she was alone. Huh. We both had divorced parents, few friends, bad attitudes at times, and were currently plagued by guilt and sadness. Just like she had said, we were very alike.

I pulled my phone out and went through the contacts, finding her still there. It was almost nostalgic, again. I texted her:

He said he'll do it

Then I was just lying there for a while until my phone vibrated multiple times as she texted back:

Goof

I meant goos

GOOD

Good

Is what I meant to type

I shook my head and laughed, free to show happiness while by myself. I always got the feeling that if I showed signs of joy in public, other people would feel like I didn't deserve to feel those things. Whether it was in my head or not, it had an effect.

I messaged her back:

Want me to meet you after work and we can go?

A second later:

Sure. Have to stop now, manager is watching. Bye

I closed my eyes. It was possible that after she spoke to my father, this contact between us would cease. It wasn't the most unpleasant thought, but it wasn't the best one either.

Who was I kidding, just a few days and already I felt like I didn't want to be without her again.