13. An Anniversary and a Dinner
There Craig was, waiting under the street lamp. Ashley had to wait until she knew her mother and stepfather were fast asleep before she crept out into the hall, pausing by Toby's door to listen to the continuous plunking away at computer keys. Toby had already caught her heading for the door once and was holding it over her. She'd take that risk again. It was these late night walks that could get her through the day. She craved them while they were on the phone, plotting and planning how they both would get out of the house. They had to get out, the cold wouldn't stop them. And it had to happen at night. Maybe it was the darkness. Something about it made them both feel more protected when confessing what was on their mind. The darkness and the continuous circling of their neighborhood blocks made things a little bit surreal. Surreal in a good sense though. It brought them away from the everyday. There was this new feeling. Like they actually were in control of all the crazy of high school and family drama and things actually made sense.
"You know what's weird…" Craig trailed off and when he looked over at Ashley he saw her steady gaze, those inviting curious blue eyes of hers. "It's just weird, when someone dies. How you go from seeing them everywhere even though they aren't here anymore to sort of…struggling to remember what they looked like."
"You can't remember what your mom looked like?"
"I can but it's just…strange. It feels faded. I feel bad about that."
"You don't have to feel bad. Time does that."
"It was the anniversary…is that the right word…of her death this week. I feel weird saying anniversary. Anniversary is supposed to be a celebration right?"
"I do that. Remember the days like that."
"Well, I made the mistake of like…trying to write about it. Like a song. Only I'd never say those words."
"Writing didn't help? I live in my journals. I write everything down."
"I don't know if it's like…releasing it. Shit I sound like Sauvé. Or if it's…sealing it in. I mean I can go back and read it later. I remember too much as it is."
"I thought you wanted to remember."
"Some things I do. Sometimes it's easier to forget though. It doesn't make sense, I know," Craig paused to sigh. "We're stopping by the cemetery tomorrow. Cause tomorrow…"
Ashley nodded. "I'll be around. We can get together with Sean and El if you want. Get your mind off it, if you need to."
Craig stared down at the ground, studying the patch below his feet where the white snow faded into the ugly dead grass. He noticed the dirt that was caking onto his boots and how his toes were still a bit numb from the cold. He had to keep focusing on these little things to keep from thinking. He refused to let his gaze shift to the stone tombstone. Craig hated this moment, that moment of silence where they were supposed to remember their loved one who was no longer with them. He didn't know what to think about in this moment. He knew what he was supposed to be thinking about. He was supposed to be remembering his mother, keeping the memory alive. He could do it alone, on any other day. But not today. He didn't want to break down in front of Joey and Angela.
He glanced over at Joey. Joey was remembering; Craig could tell by the tears that were glistening in his stepfather's eyes. Craig felt Angie slipping her hand into his. He gave her tiny hand a squeeze before meeting her gaze. He could see concern in her eyes. She must not fully understand this situation and didn't feel what they were feeling. He wasn't sure what was worse, not remembering Mom or struggling to remember without the ache of loss. Instinctively, Craig kneeled down to be closer to his little sister, wrapped an arm around her, and pulled her close. He rested his cheek against her curly brown hair. The sensation acted as a sort of pinprick, waking up his brain. Her hair was exactly like his mothers, right down to the texture. It was amazing how she lived on in Angie. Sometimes he'd see it and other days it was a surprise like this. Craig quickly rubbed his eyes, chasing away a tear before it could fall. He could keep it together.
Hold it together just like you did at her funeral, Craig told himself. He hated that day. He hated the people who encouraged him to grieve. He would not cry in front of these people, all their relatives and some of his friends from school. Craig remembered how he sat with his father during the service. His father was just as composed as he was, still as a statue. He remembered how he was somewhat surprised that his father would be attending. Wasn't that one of the times when he should take a stand against his mother? But there his father was, right by his side at the funeral. He was there for him, Craig had realized and softened some. He felt comfort as he felt his father's hand on his shoulder as they watched the coffin be lowered into the ground. Had his dad finally retired from this battle with Joey and his mom, he wondered at the time. Now he knew better. They were never going to really move on from the past. It just stayed in their minds, haunting them.
Things would return to normal after that, Craig had hoped. But the days just felt long and forced. They had to keep carrying out the day to day activities. There was still work and school, bills and essays for classes. They had to keep on living. Joey seemed to realize this sooner and announced that he was going out on Friday night. Blind date he explained and Craig didn't give much a reaction. He simply nodded and that was his non verbal agreement to baby sit. Craig didn't mind. He didn't feel much like going out and was actually looking forward to the quiet once Angie was in bed and he had the company of only the TV.
Joey arrived home to find Craig slouched over on the couch. He tossed his coat onto an armchair and sank down next to his stepson. "Thanks for babysitting tonight," Joey said, breaking the silence.
"No problem. We had fun. Kitchen is a disaster though, sorry about that."
Joey smiled and nodded. Dishes could wait until the morning. He watched as the TV screen flickered from one late night TV show to another. Craig was a master at channel surfing. He knew the exact moment when to switch back to his program of choice to avoid commercials.
"Joey…can we talk about my mom more often?" Craig finally blurted out and watched for a reaction. Joey seemed to go from confused to concerned and finally his features shifted into something warm, that familiar smile almost on his lips.
"Of course we can, buddy."
"I just…I don't know. Don't want us to forget her. I never could talk about her around my dad. I know he thought about her all the time though."
Joey just nodded at first, unsure of what to say. They both silently stared at the TV for a few moments. Joey was sure they both weren't seeing what was on the screen at all; they were just trying to be distracted. "It's been a rough week for us, hasn't it?"
"Yeah. Yeah it has." Craig was quick to notice how different their reactions were this week. Joey seemed down, more low-key. He'd blend in more with the background, a glass of wine in his hand and his eyes glazed over. But Craig? He missed her and felt sad too but there was something more burning inside him. He wanted to punch walls. Sometimes it scared him how much he was like his father. "Sometimes it feels like it's never going to stop hurting."
"Hey now…let's remember the good times," Joey declared and stood up. He crossed over to a bookshelf and pulled out two photo albums. He returned to Craig and handed one off. They flipped silently through the books for a few moments. "I think about her everyday too," Joey had to say. "I've been trying not to feel guilty about dating again."
"Oh no, I didn't mean to make it sound that way. I mean, you can date." Craig rambled.
"I know, Craig," Joey reassured. "It's just a little confusing sometimes…when you lose someone."
"Yeah. Yeah, it is. I want to forget, no not forget, just move on, so that it stops hurting but at the same time, I need to remember her," Craig sighed. His heart ached. "But that just reminds me of how I just want her here."
Joey gave Craig's shoulder a reassuring squeeze and then flipped the photo album page. Julia with a young Craig - post divorce. He could always detect that moment by their eyes. Julia's looked brighter. Craig's looked darker, older. But maybe his mind was just coloring the image. He now knew what probably went on behind closed doors. He wished he had seen the signs then.
"I know you probably didn't get to talk about mom with dad much?" Joey awkwardly said.
"No. He didn't like to talk about her," Craig said with a sigh. "I don't know if he hates her or loves her. I mean, he never…dated anyone else after the divorce. It kind of seems like he only loved her."
Joey looked down, feeling a bit guilty. Home-wrecker, he silently scolded himself.
"But there was this one time. He was seeing a co-worker from the hospital. But then he just broke it off. He was…" Craig couldn't finish. Craig recalled the night his father cancelled the date and stayed home with him. There was dinner, thick with tension. Then it happened. There was yelling, it always started with that. Sometimes things got worse. He shifted slightly as his body seemed to remember the stings of that damn belt. "He just got angry whenever he thought of her," Craig finished.
"We all grieve in different ways," was the only thing Joey could think of to say. He wanted to ask a million questions of course. What did he do to you? How often did it happen? How long did it go on for? Was he always this way? Did he hit your mom? Did she know how you were treated? But he knew he couldn't ask all those questions. He knew Craig well enough to know that he had to be careful when fishing around in this kid's past. He always sort of got this feeling that Craig was on the edge. He wasn't sure what would happen when he snapped, how far he would fall.
"He was at the cemetery the other day," Craig had to say.
Joey snapped back to attention. "What? Who was? Your dad? You saw your dad?"
"I saw him. I didn't talk to him though," Craig replied and thought about how he had lurked in the bushes. He had his camera and snapped a photograph of his father crouched down by her grave. The black and white film didn't capture the lush red roses. He always gave her red roses. Valentines day, anniversaries, her birthday…and then later as an apology when they would fight.
Joey was nodding rapidly, trying to assess this situation. They had been out of contact with Albert since Christmas. Joey recalled how quick and cool the telephone conversation was when he had informed Albert that Craig was spending the holidays with him and his family. His family. He could just about feel Albert's anger over the phone lines. Craig's with his family. That's right, you are losing your son now too, Joey thought angrily. Albert wasn't punished enough for what he did to Craig. During that Christmas day conversation, Joey had managed to keep his tone emotionless like it was a business deal. He did that for Craig's sake; that kid didn't need things to be anymore complex. What a bizarre situation this was, Joey thought to himself. It was screwed up, it honestly was. Anything but simple.
"I kind of want to see him again," Craig said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "I mean…most of the time I hate him and stuff but…I want to see him again. Because what if he died? Left me like…"
"You don't have to worry about that," Joey tried to soothe. Robert, Craig's social worker, many times had expressed how Craig probably feared being abandon. "Your dad will always be your dad. He's going to try to be more involved in your life once…he starts feeling better."
"What's wrong with him, Joey? I mean…why…"
"I'm not sure why he's so angry," Joey decided on saying.
"No," Craig said, rather forcefully. He couldn't stop the argument that was forming in his head. "I don't think it was his fault. You know how I am. I needed that to happen sometimes. It's not all his fault. I didn't mean for all this to happen. I didn't mean to move out, to leave him like my mom…" Craig stopped and rubbed his temples. He looked over at Joey with a nervous smile. "I'm thinking too much, I'm sorry."
Joey reached to put his arm around Craig and then began to rub small circles on his back. "It's okay. It's good to be talking about this stuff."
"I don't want to upset you."
"I won't get upset over stuff like that."
"This is all just really confusing sometimes. Like, I don't know…where my family is. I mean, I like it here. I really do."
"Craig, you are family. Just because you aren't my son by blood doesn't mean that you aren't family. I decided a long time ago that you are family. You are stuck with me. Okay?"
"But my dad…"
"Dad is family too. You don't have to choose between us," Joey tried to reason. He wasn't sure if he could ever reverse that lesson that Albert had taught Craig.
Craig sighed. "I think I need to see him again. Do you think he wants to see me?"
"I'm sure he does. Maybe you guys can catch a movie or something. Grab a bite to eat. I'll talk to your social worker, okay?"
Craig nodded slowly. "Okay. If you think it's okay."
"I think it's okay."
Craig stared at the TV for a few minutes then stood up, declaring, "Angie wore me out tonight. Think I'll head up to bed."
"Alright. Goodnight, Craig," Joey called out as Craig slowly headed for the stairs. He heard him pause.
"Joey?"
"Yep?"
"Thank you…sometimes you just make everything so much simpler," Craig said. "Did that come out right?"
Joey turned his head to look at his stepson, "It came out right," he said with a smile.
Craig smiled at the store clerk as she handed him the plastic bag. He glanced over at his father as they began to exit the door together. Craig peaked into the bag and glanced over the selection of CD's and DVD's. "Thanks for these," he sincerely said and held up the bag.
"No problem, Craigger," Albert was quick to say.
Out of the corner of his eye, Craig saw that he was reaching for him but then pulled his hand away at the last moment. He was feeling the anxiety returning. It wasn't that he thought that he was going to strike him. He wouldn't here in public, that was a given. It was something else that was making him uneasy. He wasn't sure if he was prepared for how well things were going. He managed to keep his dad and Joey from interacting by giving spying his dad in the distance and quickly excusing himself from him and Angie. It would be fine, Craig had told his stepdad. And it was. It was a visit to all his favorite stores. Craig felt strange accepting all the gifts, but at the same time, it felt normal. This was how he knew his dad cared, this was the good kind of attention.
"Do you need any new clothes? Anything for school?" Craig heard his father ask.
"Ah, no. I think I'm good. You don't have to send that extra money every month, you know."
"You're my son. I want to make sure you are taken care of."
Craig smiled sincerely at his father, but didn't let his eyes stay on his face very long. Why did he feel so nervous? "Do you think it's too early to eat dinner?"
"Are you hungry?"
Craig stated that he was, even though food was the last thing on his mind. He just wanted to speed this up a bit. He hoped that wasn't obvious. It was strange how he missed his father but never wanted to see him again all at the same time.
He knew which restaurant in the mall his father would pick, the most upscale one there was. Craig had hoped for the casual bar and grill, the one with the loud music blaring. That might be less awkward. He could listen to the rock music and watch the families around him. Craig wasn't sure he was ready for the conversation that would happen.
"Are you still into the photography?" Albert asked during dinner.
"Yep, still in photography club. My instructor was encouraging me to do this student show the other week. I went out and took a few shots the other day," Craig took a sip of water to pause. Should he mention that he saw his dad at the cemetery? Was it safe to talk about Mom? "I'm still not sure what I want to use for the show though."
"You'll have to let me know when the show is up."
Craig nodded. "Sure. I should've brought some of my prints with me today to show you."
"I would have enjoyed seeing what you are working on. So….have you made anymore friends? Anyone from photography club?"
"Um, a few people. I mostly just hang out with the kids in my class though. And Sean. There's some guys forming a band. I'm thinking about doing that. Joey said we could use his garage if we clean it out this spring," Craig tightened his grip around his fork. Did he say too much? Would he even be around Joey's for the summer? It was strange how he didn't know where he would be.
"A garage band? Just don't let it interfere with your school work. Your marks are so important."
"Oh I won't. It's just for fun. I need something to do this summer."
"I know of a few summer programs I could get you referred to."
"School? In the summer?"
"For photography. Or music, if you want," Albert encouraged.
"Maybe," Craig agreed. He wasn't sure why he had decided to mention the band he and Spinner, Marco, and Jimmy would anxiously discuss before and after class. He knew his dad wouldn't be into a garage band. It was one thing sending him off to some music camp for piano, but it was another thing if he knew that Craig had picked up guitar from his camp counselor. Maybe his dad wouldn't care. Maybe he'd be happy he was having fun. Then again maybe he'd think it was a waste of time. Craig didn't think he could deal with his father being disappointed though. That disappointment seemed so familiar. Don't think about, Craig scolded himself, this is going good.
"I got an 'A' on my last essay in English," Craig announced.
"That's great, Craig. You always were great in English and art. How's science and math going for you?"
"Still not my best subjects," Craig admitted.
"I'm here, if you ever need some help from your old science study partner."
"Maybe. I'm not too worried yet. But around finals, I might be."
"Just know that I'm here for you. If you need anything."
Craig didn't say anything at first. "I know. I'm sorry about Christmas…Dad," it was a surprise how easily that came out. Then was the wait. It felt like five minutes even though only a mere five seconds had probably passed. Was he clenching his jaw? Craig hated it when his father would grind his teeth. That was not a good sign.
"It's alright. We should have gotten in contact before then, talked things out more," Albert choose his words carefully.
"Yeah. Yeah. This is good, that we are talking more."
"I hope that we can visit like this more often. I've missed you, Craigger."
Craig couldn't help but grin at that. He watched the waitress set a check on the table. "Thanks for dinner. And the shopping. Thanks for today."
"No problem. I really enjoyed today. I'm glad that you did as well. We'll have to set up many more appointments for dinner. And soon you can be back at home. First dinner back at home will have to be roast beef, your favorite," Albert said with a smile.
"When…do you think…that will be?" Craig felt strange asking that question.
"I'm not sure, exactly. But I think this visit was the step in the right direction. I'm sure that the last few months have been difficult for you. They have been for me. Things are going to change, Craigger. For the better."
Author's note: No more writer's block! I actually have a pretty good idea of the order of events now. Okay one more question for the readers: How do you feel about Craig, Ashley, Sean, and Ellie being a little bit wild? Doing some partying, all that teenage rebellion stuff? It'll give you lots of angst, I promise.