He came back to his room. He could have kissed her... he ... no, he couldn't... he couldn't use her.
'...do not grieve, my dear son. Your father went honourably..." The words his mother had written were ringing in his head. He felt his eyes watering and rushed through the hallways of the Circle. He was careless and he bumped into someone. A girl.
"Oh... I'm... I'm terribly sorry..." he said, reaching for the girl's book. He dropped his letter.
"It's all right." She chuckled and reached out for his letter. He knew this girl by sight. A pretty young mage... Barely 16.
"Ser Cullen Moffatt ," she read out loud."Um... I thought your name was Cullen."
"N-No," he said, as he gave her book back. "Well, yes. It's my name. M-my last name is Mof-"
And then she looked at him. Straight into his eyes. Her eyes – bright green, almost golden- yellowish, with a special glow. And something turned him inside out – powerful and intense, beautiful and messy. His breath whooshed out of his body. The rest of the world seemed to vanish.
"You have the prettiest eyes," he whispered, mesmerized.
She blushed and looked away."Thank you."
"M...Maker, I'm sorry" he picked himself up, took his letter from her and ran away.
He couldn't believe himself. He was sad and angry at the same time and he crumpled the letter in his hand. He almost ran into his cell. 'Prettiest eyes?! Stupid! She's a mage!' He shook his head. 'But, her eyes...' He sat on his bed and re-read the crumpled letter and started crying.
Cullen slowly removed his armor as he thought about this. He'd never been the same as from that day. She'd caught his attention instantly. He couldn't get her out of his head. He'd started focusing his attention on her.
He found out he couldn't stop looking in her eyes like that first time. He loved being around her. Just thinking of her made him smile. Walking through the Circle halls and hearing her voice from the Apprentice's quarters made him smile, too.
He noticed she loved being alone, reading in the library. Other mages teased her for her unusual skin tone and her bright eyes. Some even pointed fingers at her. She was lonely. He was sad because of that. He felt an enormous need to protect her, to hug her and never let her go.
There was just one young fellow mage she used to be friends with. Jowan was his name. Cullen had to admit he was bit jealous of him.
But, in time, she started noticing him, too. They shared glances, although every time she looked at him, he would get nervous and blush. They even exchanged a few words while she would choose the new book or when she was simply passing by.
Months passed by... then a year...
She'd found a perfect place to hide from the others – the 'inner' library.
One day he decided to follow her there. Just to try to talk to her. Just to... say something.
And there she was. So beautiful. So perfect. Every time he looked at her, he felt the need and desire to protect her. Her! A mage! Maker help him – was he losing his mind? But… Could he? Could he approach her... and talk to her?
He took a few steps towards her. "Circe... right?" How stupid. Of course he knew her name.
She heard him behind her and turned around. That young, tall, blushing Templar.
"You know my name... Cullen Moffatt." she said grinning.
"P...Please... just...Cullen." he stuttered. Why...? Why couldn't he even talk normally with her?
"All right. Just Cullen." She approached him smiling.
"I...I wanted to apologize for the other day...I shouldn't have said...what I said... I'm... - did you cut your hair? "
"Yes," she blushed. "You're the only one that noticed it."
"Well, I watched you. I mean, I didn't watch you... M-Maker..."
"I know," she said and looked into his eyes. He took yet another step towards her.
Silence. Just the sounds of their breathing. It seemed like time had stopped. She looked behind him and noticed there was no one around and got closer to him. He loved her eyes. She enchanted him completely.
Circe caressed his face. She got on the tip of her toes and there were only a few inches between their faces. What was she doing?! What was HE doing? Was that really happening? It's her. Get a grip, Cullen.
He backed away a bit. "I've never kissed a girl before," he whispered.
"I've never kissed a boy before," she answered whispering, too. She tilted her head and gently pressed her lips against his.
It was a moment that changed his life completely. He was kissing her – his first love ever. Yes, he was in love. He had to admit it. He felt helpless and lost in her, and yet at the same time so alive.
He accepted her for all that she was. This 'inner' library became their secret place. They used to have small talks there, giggle, gossip... and sometimes exchange tenderness. He found out she was from Seheron… or she'd been told that. She'd never wanted to explore that thoroughly. She had no one. No one, but him. He started calling her 'my dark beauty' – she loved it. She called him 'my sweet Templar'. He smiled every time she'd say that.
Another year passed by. Circe had grown into a real temptress. Things between them weren't so simple, so they fought quite often. He was under great pressure from Knight-Commander Greagoir after receiving his knighthood. And her Harrowing was approaching. She wanted more. He couldn't give her more. They were being watched and it slowly came to their senses that their love was impossible. They stopped talking for a while. It was hard for both of them.
But he couldn't let her go. He needed her. She was his everything.
He wrote a little note and put it in her book while she wasn't watching.
A simple note: 'My dark beauty, we need to talk. Please. I miss you...C'
The next day after classes he saw her. She grinned as she passed beside him and thrust a tiny scrolling into his hand.
"Will I see you tonight?" Cullen whispered.
"I certainly hope so," she whispered back and ran to catch up with her friend.
He unwrapped it. There was a wisp of her bright hair, and a tiny note "Tonight. Apprentice Quarters, 'inner' library."
He smiled and caressed that wisp of her beautiful hair.
That night he felt tension like never before. He knew something would happen. Would she leave him? Tell him it's over, completely? He couldn't take that. She meant so much to him.
"Cullen... you're here?"
He just stood at the entrance of the inner library, rubbing his forehead, wearing nothing but his robe.
"I..." he sighed. "You are a mage and I a Templar. It is my duty to oppose you and all you are."
He walked slowly toward her.
"But I cannot restrain myself from you. I prayed to the Maker so much, but I... I just can't-"
"Then don't," she reached her palm up to his cheek. He nuzzled her tiny palm and kissed it, then kissed the inner side of wrist. She stared at him, eyes wide open. He stood there, not knowing what to say. Instead, he leaned in and kissed her... just a peck on the lips. He stopped, gave her time to push him away... but she didn't.
He had her then. She was her first, as she was his. He kissed her eyes after their love deed. She was smiling at him. They were both breathless.
"I have my Harrowing tomorrow," she whispered.
"I know...I was chosen to strike you down... if..." he shook his head.
"I won't fail. You know I won't."
"I know." He caressed her beautiful face. "I have to see you after it's done."
"I promise that you will..." She kissed him once again. "... My sweet Templar. "
Cullen woke up the next morning from a nightmare, scared and confused. He'd dreamt that he'd lost her and had a gut feeling that something bad would happen that day. But seeing her calm and confident gave him hope.
Her Harrowing went smoothly. He was so relieved. She succeeded and she was brilliant. He was so proud. He got up to his usual position at the Second floor, watching over the Senior mages' quarters. He knew she'd come soon, when she recovered. And then he saw her, running towards him. He tried to act calm, in case if someone was watching them.
They entered a room, just for a brief moment. He had to kiss her. He'd thought he was going to lose her and that thought hurt so much.
"I have a gift for you, my beauty." He opened his hand and showed her a medallion; an oval shaped silver medallion with the symbol of the Chantry and little letter C carved in it.
"My mother gave it to me when I was sent to the Chantry. I would be honoured if you wore it."
"It's... it's beautiful." She smiled. He helped her to put it on. "I'll always wear it."
He kissed her once again, just brushing her lips.
"I have to go now. The First Enchanter is waiting for me," she said.
He nodded and let her go.
But he was right about that day. Something bad did happen. She helped her only friend, who had turned out to be a blood mage... and then that Grey Warden who was visiting the Circle recruited her. He saw her leaving and his heart broke. He went to his cell afterwards. He couldn't make peace with the fact that she was gone.
The days that followed were empty and hollow, followed by sleepless nights.
Things got out of hand and the tension at the Circle boiled over. Blood mages took over the Circle. He was imprisoned and tortured for weeks. His only thought was Circe and he hoped he'd see her again one day. The demons knew that. The Desire demons that haunted him had her face, her body, even her voice; trying to break him down. He was disgusted by all this.
But one day he saw her standing in front of him and she was not alone. She was there, with one more elder mage, and another man and a woman.
He cursed and offended her in front of everybody. He didn't want to surrender like everyone else had. He didn't believe it was really her... or didn't want to believe. When he was finally convinced, it was already too late. She had decided to support her fellow mages and he couldn't take it. While she was leaving, he noticed that a man that was with her hugged her around the waist.
Broken. He locked himself in his cell for days. No food, no water. No sleep. Just one huge abyss in his chest. A few days later, maybe even a week passed by –he had stopped counting- and Greagoir insisted on seeing him. On his way to the Greagoir's office, Cullen heard a few mages gossiping about him. He got blind with anger and hit them with a Holy Smite.
That had been it. A trip to Greenwell – his improvement and hardening to be more vigilant to mages. Since he'd lost her, not one mage deserved mercy.
After the blight was ended by the Grey Wardens - by her, Cullen was sent to the Free Marches, to the city of Kirkwall. His own experiences with mages led him to become far too harsh a watcher, and Greagoir had thought it best to keep him away from the Fereldan mages. Kirkwall, being one of the most controversial Circles, was the perfect place for Cullen to carry on with his Templar career. His own opinions towards mages also greatly meshed with the Knight-Commander of Kirkwall, Meredith, and as such, Cullen found himself promoted rather quickly to Knight-Captain.
The young recruits were a bit intimidated by him, but they also felt great respect.
Cullen didn't want them to feel that way. One night he even let them take him to the Blooming Rose. He'd heard some disturbing rumors about Circe – she was the King's mistress. He needed to forget about her, at least for one night. But there was a girl at the Blooming Rose. She looked incredibly much like Circe. He got heavily drunk, and she took his hand. He followed her like a blind man.
Cullen felt so dirty after that, and he hated Circe even more. He never went to the Blooming Rose again.
The years passed by. All that he knew about her was that she'd become Commander of the Grey of Ferelden. That man who'd been with her that day at the Circle... he was the King now. And Circe was his.
He tried not to think about her often, but it was hard. He even bought a lovely tiny wooden box at the Hightown market and put the wisp of her hair in it. It was the only thing that he had left from her and it was still precious to him.
And then one day - in the middle of Qunari war, as he lay on the cold ground, blown away by a Saarebas... He thought he saw her... running towards him... screaming his name. Was it really her? He thought he was dying. He felt her hands on his face and opened his eyes. But he remembered – that other man's embrace, the rumors that she was the King's mistress, even that she was carrying the King's child... He was disgusted by all that and anger took over him. He drew a sword at her and looked at her. Maker, those eyes... and she was still wearing the medallion he'd given her years ago...
He noticed her eyes watering and he felt the need to protect her once again. But no, it couldn't be! She was a mage, and the King's whore!
He withdrew his sword and pushed her away once again. He thought he wouldn't see her ever again.
He was wrong. The very next day, Knight-Commander Meredith called him to her office. She discharged him, told him to pick up his things, and go and meet the Grey Wardens at the Docks.
He was beyond angry, but he followed the orders, as he had all through his life.
He realized he didn't exactly hate Circe. He wanted to punish her for betraying what they once had, for taking away his Templar life, for being with another man. But seeing her again every day caused his hatred to start melting.
"Listen..." Samuel said while they were dining, a few days after his incident with Velanna and Nathaniel. "I don't want to preach you... but..." Sam sighed. "If you care for her, you should show her. It's not like we're going to live forever."
"W-what? What does that mean?" Cullen asked confused.
"Oh...crap. You still don't know..." Samuel froze for a second.
"Know what?" Cullen asked frowning.
"I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you. Circe-I mean Commander will be very angry."
"Samuel, please..."
"Oh, fine..."Samuel sighed and put down his fork. "The taint...Well, basically, the taint is poison. Most people succumb to its effects and die immediately. The stronger ones aren't killed by the poison, but it's a death sentence. Ultimately your body won't be able to take it. So, we'll all live for 20... 25 years the most."
"W-what?! Why didn't she tell me that?"
"I don't know. Maybe she didn't want you to hate her even more." Samuel shrugged.
Cullen backed off a bit.
"I don't hate her. Does she think I hate her?"
"Everyone does." Samuel said calmly and continued eating.
"Oh, Maker...I have to...solve that somehow." he shook his head.
He thought about Sam's words. He watched her every day: her interactions with other Wardens; her smiles and giggles; her brotherly love towards Nathaniel; her firmness towards recruits; the enormous respect she got from others. And it got to him – it was her. The love of his life. His soul mate. His Circe.
And this was where he belonged...
Note: This is Interlude chapter- Cullen's POV :)
*~SPECIAL THANKS to my Beta- Graymalkyn~