After awhile, time didn't mean that much to me anymore.
I assumed it was because everyday's routine was beautifully simple; I'd lost the need to keep track of everything. Nathaniel and the rest of the Quileutes made it easier for me as well, of course. Without them, I'd probably have moped for the past weeks, counting the seconds as they passed like some sort of lunatic.
What is more, each day I spent with them made me forget. Forget the pain, the anxiety, the loss. Nathaniel's smiling face, his lively laugh, and his sympathetic nature that inspired me, to say the least – he made me feel pretty optimistic, for a pessimist, that is.
Nonetheless, I never forgot Mason. I wouldn't allow myself to.
In one of my many hopeless internal rampages, I thought of something. Nathaniel was so carefree, so perhaps it would make things easier if I just followed his example. So, the next night that I had the dream, I didn't let the unfortunate and the painful events bother me; instead, I focused on the happy – ergo, I concentrated on Mason's face more than anything else.
It helped … a bit. But it was progress, and that's what I'd been aiming for.
I woke that morning feeling refreshed – I was proud of myself; I had survived through a whole night without tears or screaming or fear. However, I wasn't sure how long this new concept of mine would last … for all I knew, I would go to bed tonight and wake up at a ridiculously late hour, kicking and shrieking as I had the past week or two.
As I went down the steps, I considered what life would've been like devoid of Nathaniel … and, shuddering, I pushed the thought away. These past weeks would've been horrible, scary almost. Who knows what being trapped in this big house of mine with nothing to do would potentially drive me to?
Pulling the hem of my shirt down, I entered the kitchen, reaching into the refrigerator. My supply of Mason-made meals was running low, so a trip to the grocery store was definitely in order. I reached into the lower shelf of my fridge and pulled out a green apple, taking a big bite out of it.
Reaching over, I flipped on my iPod dock, an alternative song rebelliously pouring out of the speakers.
Startling me, there was a loud knock on the door.
I glanced over at the clock on my microwave, reading: 9:03. What is he doing here so early? I wondered to myself.
I walked over to the door, opening it swiftly. "Hey, Nathaniel."
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were expecting someone."
It was Krista.
She certainly was a sight for sore eyes. Her face was red, swollen from all the tears, and her hair was a wretched mess. She was in baggy sweatpants and a sweatshirt – never, for as long as I'd known her, had I ever seen her in such a rut.
"Krista, hi," I exhaled, helping her in the door. "Come in."
"Sorry I didn't call first," She continued to apologize, taking off her coat and placing it on the banister. "I just wanted to talk to you – I need your voice."
"It's fine," I shook my head, leading her to the living room and setting her down on the couch. "Don't worry about it."
"Are you kidding?" She laughed flatly. "All I've been doing is worrying."
"Oh, that's right," I sat down beside her. "Asher's still missing. I thought they would've caught up to him by now."
"The police don't have any new leads," She mumbled.
"Well, remember the Forks PD is busy enough with that wolf," Thoughts of my nightmare filled my brain, but I pushed it away immediately – I was determined to give every bit of my attention to my despairing friend.
"I know," She nodded, sniffling. "The Forks PD isn't handling it now. We found out a couple days ago that Asher is not anywhere in the Pacific Northwest. So there was a national notice sent out … the whole country's looking for him."
My thoughts raged, Asher, how far were you willing to go? "I'm so sorry."
"It wasn't your fault," She shook her head, trying her best to smile.
Yes, it was! Tell her now, she's your friend and she deserves to know! "I'm still sorry."
"Yes, well," She exhaled, and then she shook her head, eager to change the subject. "Well, enough about me. What about you? Who is this Nathaniel I've heard so little about?"
"Just a friend," I told her. "Nathaniel Redborn. He lives up in La Push."
"Oh, that's nice," She smiled. "I recognize the name from somewhere."
"Redborn?" I exhaled.
"Ah, yeah, I remember," Krista nodded, wrapping her jacket around her. "He was quite the troublemaker as a child."
"How do you know?" My eyebrow rose.
"My older sister was a kindergarten teacher at the Quileute School up on the Reservation and Nathaniel was one of her students," She explained. "I was only a teenager at the time, but for a month or so I was her aide for community service."
She paused to smile.
"Oh, that boy had to be the biggest attention hog I'd ever seen," Krista giggled. "He would always be so funny and make the cutest faces just to get a laugh out of people."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"And he was very athletic," She continued. "But I remember he didn't start hanging out with boys until the end of the year. He always hung out with that one girl … oh, what was her name?"
"Robyn?" I guessed.
"That was it," She smiled. "Robyn Whitman. How do you know her?"
"I'm friends with Nathaniel and Robyn," I answered. "Well, as of a couple weeks ago. They still live down on the Reservation."
"Hmm, small world," Krista grinned, clasping her hands together. "So how did they turn out?"
"Well, Robyn's married to Adam," I informed her. "Do you know him?"
"Adam Moore?" Krista guessed. I nodded. "Oh, you're kidding me. He was a nice boy … but he's so much older than her!"
"Not by much," I shrugged.
"Think of it from my perspective," She sighed. "When I knew Robyn, when she was a kindergartener, Adam was in fourth grade. And that means … when she was a freshman in high school, he was a freshman in college."
"Oh, but they're still so good together," I told her. "You should see them."
"And Nathaniel? What about him?" Krista seemed frivolous, her depressed mood briefly forgotten. "Is he married yet? I wouldn't be surprised."
"No, not yet," I shook my head. "Why wouldn't you be surprised?"
"My sister said he was quite the promiscuous type by the time he got to high school," She leaned back on the couch, crossing her legs.
I was quiet for a long moment. "Well, definitely not anymore. He's become a very considerate person … and a great friend. He's actually a police officer."
"In Forks?" She asked warily.
"Uh-huh," I nodded.
"Well, that clears things up," She frowned, standing. "No wonder they haven't found my son yet. Do they just let anyone off the street become a cop these days? Do they have to resort to letting jokes like him into the Department?"
"Nathaniel's no joke," I stood as well, following her into the foyer. "You should see how seriously he takes his job."
"Obviously not seriously enough," She frowned.
"Krista, they'll find Asher, I know it," I tried to comfort her. "But you can't blame Nathaniel for any of this. He's trying his hardest."
"I'm sorry," she exhaled, grabbing her coat. "I just want my son back."
I watched as her face fell, her despondence returning. I felt totally guilty – she'd come to me for comfort and she'd leave feeling even more hurt than before. Would I ever be able to get through a conversation without infuriating someone?
Breaking my train of thought, the doorbell rang.
"Looks like I should leave," Krista pulled her wide brown eyes away from mine. "Sorry to disturb you."
"Krista," I stepped forward as she hurriedly put on her coat. "Don't leave in a huff. I'm sorry if I did something wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong," She reassured me, reaching for the door handle. "It's all my problem – I should've known better than to come into your content little life and spoil everything."
I tried to calm her down. "That's not true. I love your company …"
"Don't try to butter it up," She opened the door, practically running face first into Nathaniel's chest. "I should've known better, considering how flustered I am right now."
"Krista, come back!" I yelled after, stepping out onto the porch and around Nathaniel. I went down the steps, trying to get to her car, but she backed out of the driveway and zoomed down the street before I was even off the front walk.
I slouched, disappointed.
"Was that …?" Nathaniel walked down the steps and stood beside me.
"Krista Elliot," I said with a frown on my face, crossing my arms across my chest. "Asher's mom."
"Why was she yelling at you?" He wondered.
"Why shouldn't she be?" I replied. "She's going through a lot right now. I took nothing she said personally – I know she's just upset."
Nathaniel nodded.
We stood there at the bottom of the stairs, our eyes following Krista's car as it vanished around the corner. I exhaled, my breath visible in the air. It seemed that, whether Asher was found or not, Krista could never be able to get over this.
A wound that could never heal.
"Oh, here," Nathaniel shuffled out of his coat and placed it around my shoulders. "You really shouldn't be out here without a coat." I wrapped the jacket tightly around me.
Glancing over at Nathaniel, I realized he was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt and jean shorts.
"You really shouldn't be out here wearing just that," I turned to face him. "I wouldn't even wear that in the summertime here if I were you."
"I'm not cold at all," He shrugged.
"I don't care," I shook my head, pushing him up the steps. "Get inside before you freeze to death."
"Yes, mother."
Nathaniel walked into the foyer, standing there idly for a moment, waiting for me to come in. I walked past him, handing him his coat, and made my way into the kitchen.
"So, you're early," I pointed out.
"Only by half an hour," He clarified. "But it doesn't really matter. I don't think we'll be going to Robyn's today."
"Why not?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Hmm, everyone's busy," He answered. "Robyn and Adam are up visiting Adam's parents, and they took Hawk with them. Then Tommy has school today and Zach started his job this morning. Shane has a date with that girl that was selling snacks at the movie theater later today, and everybody else felt like staying home."
I leaned against the counter. "That leaves you."
"Oh, well, I'm spending the day with a beautiful girl, so …" He chuckled.
"Why thank you," I waved my hand. "You're so kind."
His eyes widened, biting his lip. "I wasn't talking about you."
My face flushed an embarrassing shade of pink as I tangled my fingers together, utterly humiliated. "Oh."
There was silence for a moment.
Nathaniel leaned forward and poked me in the stomach, laughing. "You should've seen your face! You looked so mortified! … And, yes, I was talking about you, silly."
I glared playfully at him. "Well, I'm gonna go get changed."
"Yeah, I was gonna say," He chuckled. "Nice pajamas."
I looked down at my white pajamas that were covered in multicolored little hearts. I'd gotten them for college, and, honestly, since I'd only been bunking with girls, I didn't really care what my pajamas looked like; however, I didn't really ever imagine I'd be wearing them in front of a guy.
"Really, the hearts are just adorable," Nathaniel rubbed his nose.
I rolled my eyes at him, turning to the foyer and hurrying up the steps. I didn't find it polite to keep Nathaniel waiting.
I changed quickly into a pair of blue jeans and a nice plaid shirt. While I was slipping on some ankle socks, a beeping noise caught my attention.
I glanced over at Mason's laptop to see that it was blinking.
Lifting the lid, I realized the computer was wide awake, and it assumingly had been ever since Mason left. It was alerting him that he'd got a new email from his mother …. But, if he was with her, then why was she emailing him?
Dear Mason,
Thank you so much for coming down to visit me – I just hope you know that your company was very much appreciated.
By the way, you seemed to be hanging out with your brothers much more; I don't think I've seen that for awhile, and I just want to thank you because I know what you're doing. You wanted everyone to get along in these tough times; I can't thank you enough.
Good luck with that new job of yours.
Love,
Mom
P.S. – remember, you have yet to tell me what's so exciting about that new place your living in … what was it? Spoons? … No, that wasn't it.
I laughed at that last part.
Hmm. So many questions were circulating around inside my head.
Mason was hanging out with his brothers more? Well, that was nice. I never recalled Mason and siblings actually getting along, so it was so very kind of him to step up and cooperate for his mom's sake. And what about the part where she said 'good luck with that new job'? Was she referring to the job that Coop had offered him?
And at the end, when his mother had referred to Forks, since he'd mentioned it to his family, did that mean he intended to stay? It also struck me when his mother said 'you have yet to tell me what's so exciting about that new place' – apparently, Mason had hinted that he was living in Forks but he hadn't told his family about me yet.
However, one part punctured me the most.
If Mason was not with his mother, it meant he was coming back. The words seemed utterly surreal, so I had to say them aloud for it to stick.
"Coming back," I whispered … it didn't stick.
Nonetheless, I refused to get overexcited; as much as I hated it, my nightmare had taught me something – never expect anything when it comes to love, because it too often deceives you.
Jerking me away from my thoughts, I heard something fall downstairs. It was just then that I remembered I'd left Nathaniel down there for awhile now; and as much as I felt the urge to sit at the front door, waiting for Mason's car to pull up – and I was completely positive I would go to those lengths when it came to Mason – I knew it would be rude of me to ignore my guest completely.
So shutting Mason's laptop, I hurried back down the steps.
"What'd you break?" I wondered, turning the corner into the living room.
Nathaniel's eyes had been focused on the dining room chair that was lying haphazardly on the floor by the bookshelf, but his eyes shot up to me when he heard my voice.
"Nothing," he shook his head, putting up his hands defensively. "I was just getting something and … the chair fell."
"All by itself?" I chuckled. "Or did Casper do it?"
Nathaniel stuck his tongue out at me like a child.
"What's that?" I pointed to what he was holding behind his back.
"Oh, well, this is what I was getting, but I needed to stand up on a chair to get it from the bookshelf," He pulled a photo album out from behind him.
"You? Needed to stand up on a chair? I would've figured you're tall enough to reach the top shelf," I walked over and picked up the chair, tucking it back under the dining room table.
"Well, actually it was on the very top, collecting dust," He chuckled. "I almost missed it."
My eyes snapped over to the photo album he was holding, staring closer so I could tell which specific one he'd grabbed. I had several, just so I could never forget some memories that just couldn't be forgotten – I had never been very good with letting go of the past.
"Give that back," I reached out for it. "Can't you take a hint? If it's on the top maybe I don't want anyone to see it."
"Why not?" Nathaniel laughed, holding it above his head so I couldn't reach it. "Is it personal?"
"Please put it back," I whimpered.
"Relax, I will," He smiled widely.
I exhaled, relieved.
Then he added, "Right after I look in it." Before I could protest, he flipped it open turning to the middle of the book.
"Ugh," I frowned.
"Aw!" Nathaniel grinned widely. "It's Scarlett as a baby! How cute!"
"It was a gift from my mom," I shook my head, running my hand through my hair. "I swear it was."
"Yeah, sure," He chuckled. "Aw, look at this one. Scarlett's first Halloween … you were an octopus! That's so adorable!"
"That's enough," I snatched the book away.
"I barely got to see any, though," He whined.
"You'd think I'd remember to throw something like this away," I shook my head, turning away from him and walking into the kitchen.
I stood on my tiptoes, placing the album on top of the refrigerator.
"I can reach that, you know," He chuckled.
"Well, if you know what's good for you, you won't try to," I put my hands on my hips.
Nathaniel threw his head back, laughing loudly. Then he stepped forward, bending down so we were face-to-face. "What are you gonna do to me if I do?"
His steady breath paralyzed me for a moment, a chill going up my spine.
I didn't understand – after all this time with him, I'd tried my hardest to push him away, to prove that Mason was my only love; but, at this very moment, I began to question my motives. Why was Nathaniel so bad? Why had I decided not to love him and to love Mason instead?
Granted, I had no sensible alibi, but love was too crazy to be sensible.
"Are you going to answer me, sweetheart?" He smiled widely, staring into my wide eyes. The face I must've been making was probably hysterical.
Without a word, I poked him in the stomach and he cringed, ticklish.
I walked around him and opened up the refrigerator, leaning in and grabbing a soda. I could hear him chuckling silently under his breath. "So what are we going to do today?" I turned to face him.
"I think I've been horribly selfish," he exhaled. "For the past few weeks, all we've done is hang out with my friends, in my town, doing things I want to do … and that all sounds rather self-absorbed, doesn't it?"
"I guess so," I replied.
"Well, today, I'm going to spend a day in the life of Scarlett Posey," He leaned against the counter by my iPod dock. "And, if by the end of the day, I have not gotten pryingly deep under your skin, I'll consider this a failed mission."
"Oh, so it's a mission now?" I laughed.
"I'm determined to find out everything I need to know about you," He shook his fist. "I'll be the detective and you'll be the mystery."
"That's a rather childish philosophy," I commentated.
"Perhaps, but it'll work," He decided. "So, show me your idea of everyday."
"Well, then," I pushed away from the counter. "Get ready for the most boring day of your life."
"I highly doubt it'll be boring," He grinned.
"If you say so," I shrugged, turning back to the counter and taking a sip of my soda. "So, what's first?"
There was silence for a moment as we both paused to think.
Nathaniel spoke first, "Hmm, what's your favorite food?"
"Well, that was incredibly random," I put the soda on the counter by the sink basin and crossed my arms across my chest, smiling widely.
"Just answer it," He shook his head, an adorable expression on his face.
"Hmm, spaghetti, I guess …" I answered but he interrupted me.
"Alrighty then, let's make some spaghetti," he pushed off the counter and walked over to my pantry.
"Spaghetti? Right now?" My tone questioned his sanity. "It's like 9:30."
"Yeah, so?" He popped his head out of the pantry and raised an eyebrow. "Does it matter what time it is?"
"Well, no, but …"
He was out of the pantry and in front of me in seconds, interrupting me again, "No buts, little girl. We're making spaghetti."
"Fine, then," I allowed.
Nathaniel hurried back into the pantry and grabbed a box of pasta, tossing to it to me swiftly. I almost didn't catch it, but I was able to grab it just before it hit the floor.
"You should know better than to throw stuff at me," I reprimanded.
"Well, for a second, I thought you would actually be a normal person and catch it," His voice wafted to be from inside the pantry.
"Me? Normal?" I chuckled, pulling a pot out from under the sink and filling it with water. "No way."
His laugh burst through the air, giving me the chills.
Once the pot was filled to the brim, I placed it on the stovetop and cranked up the heat. It was bubbling in a matter of minutes.
"Where's your marinara sauce?" Nathaniel asked me, stepping out of the pantry for a moment.
"We need marinara sauce, too?" I moaned.
"What's spaghetti without marinara, darling?" He grinned.
"Noodles," I answered, putting my hands on my hips.
"Which are boring," he responded, frowning. "What's so bad about marinara anyway? Afraid to step out on a limb?" He guffawed.
"It's just sauce," I stuck out my lower lip.
Nathaniel's adorable – and still completely unintentional – puppy dog face crossed his expression.
"Well, if it means that much to you, it's on the top shelf," I finally replied.
"That's all I wanted to know," He sauntered back into the pantry, out of my sight. I could hear him laughing under his breath.
"Why do you always do that?" I called to him.
"Do what?" He answered me.
"That pouty thing," I answered. "Where your eyes are all big and … I don't know, but you always do it."
"What can I say?" His voice had a tint of hilarity in it. "I'm very persuasive."
Once he brought out the marinara sauce, we put that in a pot to simmer on the stovetop, as well. Nathaniel ambled over to the table, plopping himself down into one of the chairs; I remained standing by the pot, stirring the sauce until it began to bubble.
"So, with the spaghetti almost ready," Nathaniel exhaled after a few quiet moments. "What's your favorite song?"
"Hmm, I don't think I have one at the moment," I answered honestly.
"C'mon, you have to have a favorite song," Nathaniel sighed.
I shook my head.
He continued, "Not even a song that's stuck in your head?"
"Well, nothing in particular comes to mind," I told him. "But I guess, if I had to pick …." I glanced over at my iPod dock.
Nathaniel eyed me, waiting for a straightforward response patiently.
"Watch the noodles," I instructed.
"I'll guard them with my life," he joked in all seriousness, standing and taking the spoon from me.
I walked over to my iPod dock and bent down to look at the screen, my thumb gently scrolling down the screen through my playlist. I wasn't quite sure what song I was looking for – I was tempted to just speedily spin through the list, press play, and go with whatever came on.
Eventually, I found a song that I hadn't listened to in a long while. To be honest, I'd hated the song at first and regretted buying it; the only reason I had was because Taylor was always singing it in grade school. However, after awhile, I came to love it. I guess the things you come to adore never stick at first.
It was very raw, about wanting other people when no one else was there.
"Hmm," Nathaniel critiqued, still stirring the sauce steadily. "This is pretty. But the lyrics sound a little desperate … sounds like you wrote it."
"Are you calling me desperate?" I leaned against the counter.
"Not directly," he looked away. "Where do you keep bowls?"
"In the cabinet to your right," I replied, quietly singing along to the chorus.
Nathaniel grabbed two bowls out of the cabinet and set them down on the counter. As he was pouring the noodles into them, he glanced over at me, "We have spaghetti, we have music. Next, why don't we do … favorite movie?"
"Twilight," I responded almost instinctively.
"Oh, no," He shook his head, putting spoons into the bowls. "Sorry, hun, I am most definitely not a fan."
"Aw, but you live in La Push and everything!" I protested.
"That's no excuse," Nathaniel laughed, handing me a bowl and walking into the living room. "Just because I live in the land of Twilight, doesn't mean I'm in love with it."
"You don't have to be," I smiled as we sat down on the couch. "C'mon, just watch it" – I leaned over and batted my eyelashes at him – "for me?"
He froze where he sat.
After several motionless seconds, I waved my hand in front of his face, "Hello? Anybody home?"
"Pop in the DVD," Nathaniel said blankly, slightly paralyzed and eyes wide.
"Note to self," I teased, standing and taking the DVD out of the case. "Woo Nathaniel and he'll do whatever you want."
"I won't do whatever you want," He rolled his eyes.
I turned to look at him, "Really?"
"Ugh, just start the movie," Nathaniel exhaled. "I want to get this torture over and done with."
"I thought you wanted a day in the life of Scarlett Posey," I reminded him.
"Yeah, but you don't watch this everyday," He shook his head. "Do you?"
"I'm not going to answer that," I pressed play and walked around the coffee table to sit beside him on the couch.
We watched the movie all the way through, and he hated it, I could tell. He laughed at the most romantic lines and rolled his eyes at the intentionally comedic lines; he complained up until the very end at the prom scene – at that part, he remained pleasantly silent. And I wasn't quite sure why.
After it ended, we watched New Moon and then Eclipse after that, despite Nathaniel's unremitting complaints. I would've gone on to Breaking Dawn, but that's where he drew the line. By the time we finished all three movies, it was already dark outside, almost 7:00.
"Well, that was a great waste of my time," Nathaniel frowned, walking into the foyer and stopping at the bottom of the stairwell.
"It couldn't have been that bad," I shrugged. "Remember you did it for me."
"For you, right," he chuckled. "I'm beginning to question my motives."
I nodded, laughing also.
He pulled out his phone, checking to see if he had any new messages. He must've caught sight of the time, "Is it that late already?"
"It's not that late," I exhaled. "Only seven o'clock."
"No," He shook his head. "I promised my boss I'd meet him at the station to exchange paperwork at six-thirty."
"Oh, well, let me get your coat," I rushed into the kitchen.
"It's no use, honey," He frowned, following me. "Donahue's probably long gone by now. He's not a very patient guy."
"I'm sorry," I stuck my hands into my back jean pockets. "Oh, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have kept you so long."
"It's not a problem – don't blame yourself," Nathaniel countered, picking his jacket up off the table. "I can explain it to him later. Besides, I had a lot of fun with you today."
I nodded, "Same here."
"Well, I should be going," he smiled. "I might not see you tomorrow."
"What? Why?" I questioned, following him back into the foyer.
"Time's up," he answered. "Three weeks ended today."
"You've been counting?" I raised an eyebrow, leaning against the banister. I watched as his eyes floated down to the floor, a warm smile on his face.
"Not counting," He shook his head. "Relishing, mostly."
I said nothing in return.
"Maybe they weren't for you," he shrugged, resting his hand on the door handle. "But these three weeks have been the best of my entire life."
I ran my hand through my hair. So many emotions were running through me at that very moment, they were uncontrollable. "Yeah, they were pretty good."
His hopes plummeted. "Pretty good?"
I saved him, "Great. They were great. Way up there on my list."
"What's on the top of said list?" He exhaled. "Mason?"
I gulped before responding, "Now, now. Let's not end a perfectly good day with an unnecessary argument."
"I wasn't going to argue," he denied.
I could hear each droplet of rain bounce off the pavement outside, I could hear the rain as it rushed down the gutter; and the marvelous noise of running water sent a certain sense of serenity through me. For some odd reason, Forks always seemed to unintentionally present the right atmosphere at just the right time.
"I'm gonna say it again," I stepped forward. "I'm sorry if I offended you."
"You don't have to keep saying that," He exhaled. "It's impossible for you to offend me, Scarlett."
"Not impossible," I laughed silently.
"Not impossible," He repeated after me.
"Well, I guess you should be going," I sighed with a smile. "Maybe you can still catch Chief Donahue if you run for it."
"If I'm lucky," He slouched his shoulders.
"Bye," I stepped back again, tangling my fingers behind my back.
Nathaniel approached me quickly, giving me no chance to react, placing his lips on mine in an instant. He was passionate, trying to get a reaction out of me, I could tell. I remained inert, however, utterly stunned and still as stone. His kiss felt alien, unnatural almost – but I knew it wasn't his fault. It was only because his lips weren't Mason's.
It was then that I had a revelation.
Ever since that day I had met Nathaniel for the first time and Mason had come to me, everything became beautifully spontaneous. Everything was spur-of-the-moment, and I loved it; there was no moment I could predict, no moment that couldn't baffle me, and no moment that wasn't locked away into my memory bank forever. These past weeks had been the longest, most convoluted, and most brilliant of my short lifetime.
"No," I pulled away from him, stepping back but bumping into the railing.
"Why not?" His lips hovered centimeters from mine, never moving.
This was the moment where I wished I'd listened to Coop – this was the moment where I regretted never telling him that Mason wasn't gone forever. It would've saved a lot of heartbreak on Nathaniel's part, of course, but then again, I probably wouldn't have learned everything about him that I knew now. If he had known my I belonged someone else, he wouldn't have opened up to me so easily.
"Because I can't," I answered. "Mason, he …"
Nathaniel interrupted. "Mason's gone. He's never coming back. I understand if you still have feelings for him, but it's time to move on …. I did."
"But he …" I tried to explain.
I was interrupted again, "Answer this. Why do you refuse to love me?"
"I don't refuse to love you," I shook my head. "If you recall, I told you I did. I love you more than you will ever know, but not …"
"Not in that way," he finished for me. "I know."
"Please," I begged, trying to discretely push him away without him noticing. "Understand, please."
"I'm trying to," he frowned. "Why don't you just let him go? I'll be twice the man he ever was. I will be by your side every second of every day – I'll never leave you, not like he did."
"But I can't …" I tried again.
"I love you, Scarlett," He exhaled, still tragically close to me. "And I will forever, far more than he can."
My insides iced over – I was immediately paralyzed.
Maybe it wasn't word for word, but I'd heard what he said. Instantaneously, Nathaniel's broken face filtered in front of my eyes – the Nathaniel from my dreams. He stood there amongst the dark trees, eyes apologetic and hand extended out to me, I love you, far more than he ever will.
I refused to believe it; I just wouldn't let Mason slip from my grasp that simply. Of course, it would be easier to just surrender, to let Nathaniel kiss me as he wished, to love him. But I wouldn't allow it – never.
"It's a promise," Nathaniel vowed, snapping me back to reality.
I took a deep breath, searching Nathaniel's chocolate eyes for something – an answer, perhaps.
"Mason's not gone."
"What do you mean?" His inquiring eyes stared me down.
"Well, he is gone," I shrugged, running my hand through my hair again, nervous. "But he's coming back."
Nathaniel exhaled, a combination of a sigh and a laugh. "Scarlett, you can't keep wishing and hoping he'll come. You can't be sure of anything."
"This I'm sure of," I reassured him. "I know exactly where he is. He went to his grandmother's funeral in Philadelphia, and he said he'd be back in three weeks … it's been three weeks. He should be back any day now."
"That's not a very good boyfriend," Nathaniel protested, refusing to believe me. "If I were him, I would've taken you with me."
"He had his reasons," I explained. "And I tried my hardest to respect them. He thought a funeral wasn't the right place or time to introduce me to his family. And this was a hard time for him and his mother. I would only be getting in the way."
Nathaniel's eyes retreated to mine – his gaze was heartbreaking. "So I was just a distraction for you until Mason got back? That's why these past weeks meant nothing to you?"
"That's not true," I denied. "These past weeks meant everything to me."
"That's not what you said a minute ago – you said they were 'pretty good'," Nathaniel frowned. "And why didn't you tell me sooner? You decided to keep it your little secret?"
"I was going to tell you," I explained myself. "But I saw how much fun you were having, your smile was lifesaving. I just couldn't bring myself to take that smile away, I wouldn't."
Nathaniel was silent, avoiding my eyes at all costs. Instead, his eyes retreated left, to the window above my sink in the kitchen. I could only watch as his eyes studied each raindrop that pounded against the glass, as his stare grew more and more distant. I knew what was happening.
The Nathaniel I knew was gone – I'd "offended" him for the last time.
"I give up," he mumbled, his eyes dropping to the floor.
"On what?" I wondered.
"Trying to convince you to love me," He swiftly reached over and opened the door. The mist from the falling rain hit the two of us immediately, fluming through the front door frenziedly.
"I don't think you should," I tried to console him.
"And why not?" He stepped out on the porch, expecting me to follow him, but I remained in the doorway. "It makes sense for me to do so considering you're unavailable." He spoke the last word with the utmost antipathy.
"Aha, but there is your flaw," I bit my lip. His eyes had previously been focused on the woods across the street but they shot over to me when I spoke. "Love is completely groundless, it's not allowed to make sense."
"Scarlett, I …" Nathaniel was about to speak but the sound of a revving engine caught our attention.
Both of our heads turned to the street, noticing a sleek black Mercedes slowing to pull into my driveway.
My heart pounded inside my chest – Mason was mere steps away. This time he wasn't a hallucination in one of my harebrained nightmares, he wasn't a image stored in my imagination. Now he was real; he was actually tangible, he was actually breathing. And he was all mine.
"Mason," I exhaled, the name sending shivers up my spine.
Nathaniel waved his had in front of my face. "Do you say my name like that every time I pull up?"
"Uh, I …" I tangled my fingers together.
"Don't worry," Nathaniel ground his teeth together. "Obviously I'm not as important to you."
"Nathaniel, don't," I frowned. We both heard a car door slam shut. "You should leave."
"Now you don't even want me in your house?" Nathaniel shook his head.
He started to head back out onto the front porch when I stopped him, "Maybe you should go out the back way."
"Why?" He snapped.
"What will Mason think?" I stammered, trying to push him towards the back porch door – he didn't budge. "He'll be mad at me."
"Well, we can't have that, can we?" Nathaniel shook his head, fumingly storming out of the front door.
I dashed out on the front porch after him.
Nathaniel sped down the stairs before I could catch up to him, skipping every other stair as he went. He almost ran into Mason on the way down the walkway, but he hastily swept around him to get to his car.
The two didn't speak – Nathaniel hardly paid any attention to Mason at all. However, Mason stood in the middle of the walkway frozenly, watching Nathaniel as he climbed into his ratty old Ford. Mason gripped his suitcase handle tightly, his back turned to me.
I couldn't begin to imagine what thoughts were running through Mason's head – who knew what he was beginning to assume? Who knew what he thought of me? He probably was thinking that I was a horrible girlfriend … and he'd be right. But it wasn't just that – I was horrible in general.
I should've told Nathaniel that Mason was coming back. I shouldn't have kept Nathaniel and the rest of the Quileutes at bay; all of them seemed to be anxiously waiting for the day that Nathaniel and I would get together, but I had been the only one who knew that day would never come.
There were actually a lot of things I wished I'd done.
But it was too late to go back and change them now.
I decided to stop focusing on my faults, and instead I decided to focus on how my wait was finally over. Mason was back, and this time, it wasn't just a dream.
"Scarlett—" Mason began to turn to me but I didn't let him finish speaking.
I didn't even give him time to turn around; I ran to him, jumping on him as soon as possible. He was a bit stunned by my urgency at first, but after a few stunned moments, he let go of his suitcase and wrapped his arms around me.
I pulled away, just to see his face – to know this wasn't an illusion.
Mason was just as beautiful as I remembered. It was just then that I realized, my nightmares hadn't done him justice; he was far more gorgeous than any silly dream. His blue eyes seemed to see right through me, as if he could see straight into my soul.
"I missed you—" I rudely interrupted him again.
My lips instantly collided with his, giving him little time to breathe. I couldn't believe he was finally back, finally in my arms. His kiss made me feel explosive, my heart pumping inside of me riotously.
In need of air, Mason pulled my head back. "Well, hello to you too."
"Never, ever leave me again," I exhaled, bringing his mouth to mine again.
Between kisses, he breathed, "Of course not."
Mason stumbled back into his suitcase, still a bit stunned apparently. I just didn't know what took over me; my love for him was insanely irrepressible, and as of now, there was nothing I was going to do to change that.
"Wait, wait," He chuckled silently, pulling me back again.
"I haven't seen you in weeks," I pouted. "The least you can do is kiss me."
"Yes, well," He shrugged, still holding me tightly in his grasp and pressing me up against him. "As much as I enjoy kissing you, what I would love more than anything right now is to hear your voice. I've missed your voice."
"Uh, what do you want me to say?" I exhaled.
"Hmm, I don't care," He rested his lips on my jaw, sending my pulse fluttering.
"Okay, then I won't say anything at all," I decided.
"Now that defeats the purpose," He countered, kissing my temple lovingly.
"I missed you … a lot," I confessed.
"I must say, I'm not surprised," He admitted. Then quickly adding before I could respond, "But I am surprised at how much I missed you."
I blushed.
"I just don't understand," He divulged. "You're like a disease. I just can't seem to get rid of you."
"I feel the same," I said. "But not like a disease, more like an addiction."
"Well, we both end up in the asylum either way," He smiled widely. I'd missed his smile, more than I realized.
Mason stood there kissing me, and I had never felt more vivid in my entire life. He was my salvation, practically bringing me to life. Never in a million years had I thought that one person could make me feel like this – when he was gone, I felt like stone, emotionless; but now that he was back, every bone in my body was staggeringly on fire.
He pulled away again. "I trust you've been a good girl while I was gone?"
"Nothing happened," I vowed. "I promise."
A wide smile crossed Mason's face as he pulled me back in. "Good."
Our lips were not even centimeters when I smelt something vulgar. At first I tried to ignore it, but it was too redolent to overlook.
"What is that?" I sniffed, stepping back.
"What's what?" Mason looked at me confusedly.
"That disgusting smell," I leaned forward, sniffing his shirt. "It's you."
"Wow," He chuckled under his breath. "Thanks, I love you, too."
"No," I shook my head, crossing my arms across my chest. "You smell like … like smoke."
He exhaled, "I was around my brothers a lot. Cole is in college now, and he did have quite a few cigarettes. But I didn't – you just smell secondhand smoke."
"Alright," I frowned.
I leaned in to kiss him, making him assume that everything was okay again. Nonetheless, I was really investigating. Once he let me get close enough, I could smell the smoke on his breath. He couldn't lie to me.
Pushing away, I walked around him to his Mercedes, opening the driver side door. In the center console was a pack of cigarettes; it was a half-full – or perhaps, considering the gravity of the situation, this more of a half-empty scenario.
I grabbed it and turned to face him. "Just secondhand, huh?"
"Scarlett, I can explain," He exhaled. "I've been going through a lot right now."
"So have I," I looked at him. "But you don't see me sucking on death."
"One or two of those won't kill you," he waved his hand carelessly, laughing at my immaturity.
"Yeah, but by the look of this pack, I'd assume you had more than one or two," I bit my lip. "And how am I supposed to know you didn't have twenty of these while you were in Philly?"
"Let me explain," He pleaded, staying in the middle of the walkway a couple feet away from me instead of coming up to me. "The day after the funeral, my brothers and I went to a local bar. I had one or two drinks, but that was all. And I was really upset, and Cole offered me a cigarette, and I promise … it was entirely unintentional."
I didn't respond.
After a couple silent seconds, he simpered, "Funny, the way things happen."
"I'm not laughing," I exhaled, my eyes catching a glimpse of something else in his car. Turning back to the interior of the Mercedes, I saw a beer bottle in the backseat. "What's this, then?" I pulled it out and waved it at him.
"That was Cole's …" He tried.
"Stop blaming stuff on your brother, Mason," I could feel tears threatening. "I know it was you. You don't have to hide it from me. And I understand that you're upset about your grandmother, but why go to these lengths?"
Mason's eyes fell to the ground regretfully.
In a sudden instant, he was up in front of me in seconds. He snatched the bottle from my hands and whirled around, throwing it against the gigantic tree in the front lawn. It shattered as soon as it hit the trunk, making me jump.
He turned back on his heel to face me, his eyes burning into mine, "Don't act like I'm the only sinner here."
"S-sinner? What?" I stuttered, confused.
"You can't hide it from me," he spat, his hands clenched into fists. I had never seen him so upset before. "Honestly, what was I supposed to think when Nathaniel just waltzed right out of my house? Seems like I'm not the only one that felt a little insecure and lonely these past couple weeks."
"First of all, since when is this your house? It's mine," I corrected him, and then continuing, I snapped, fuming, "And you know for a fact that I'm insecure and lonely all the time."
"I'm just trying to prove my point, love," He pinched the bridge of his nose. "We both put our faith in something else to fuel us while we were apart."
"Sure, I put my faith in Nathaniel and he's my friend now," I allowed. "But he is nothing more than that. Yet, what you did is so completely different. Drinking and smoking aren't the answer, Mason."
"I know they're not the answer," Mason's anger began to get the best of him. "But what am I supposed to do when I can't find the answer, huh? They're the painkillers … so you can forget all the questions for at least a little while … at least until the morning."
"I just want you to take the route more traveled, for example, the path that won't kill you," I shouted at him. "I've had family that's died from this. I don't want you to …." I couldn't finish. Of course, I didn't want to fight, but what was I supposed to do when all I wanted him to know was that I was always here for him?
"Some things you can't help me with," He countered.
"That's just it," I curled my hands up into fists, enraged. "You don't have to do any of this by yourself! I'm here for you."
"But what if you're not?" He yelled, gripping my forearms. "Being gone made me realize that something was missing. With Madison, everything was perfect. I had the perfect job, I was going to have the perfect family, and everything was perfect. Until I lost it all. But with you it's too different. I feel like I have to be with you all the time, and I feel like I have to protect you. And losing you to someone else is not something I ready for, okay?" All the words jumbled together in an angry mess, but I understood a considerable portion, enough to get what he was saying.
I was silent, speechless.
"I already lost one life," He exhaled. "I don't want to lose this one, too."
And it was then that I noticed. His jaw was stiff, his eyes were bloodshot, his lips were pale; and it was all because of something he couldn't admit. He was sad, maybe even afraid. And he returned to solve that problem, to fix himself back to the confident man that he had been with Madison, that he had been with his family. And, to think, we were only tearing each other even more to shreds.
I smiled slightly, taking his hand in mine and pulling it up in front of my face. I played with his fingers as I spoke, "You're silly."
"Excuse me?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I thought you were smart, but I guess I was mistaken," I shrugged, watching as his expression morphed from heartbreakingly decrepit to amusingly confused.
"Care to elaborate?" He looked down at our intertwined hands.
"You won't lose this life we have together," I promised him. "Because I won't allow it."
"Really?" He chuckled.
"Whether you like it or not," I grinned up at him softly. "I'm all yours and I don't plan on going anywhere."
Mason sighed, smiling contentedly. He stepped forward, pressing himself up against me. His lips gently connected with mine for a few short, heavenly seconds before he exhaled, "I'll hold you to that."