Chapter Thirteen

Into the Gravity Well

The art of trapping a boy like Ed in an enclosed space and trying to subdue him with brute force or intimidation was as sensible as taking on a bull in a fist fight; if one didn't know the nature of his adversary, the result was almost always pain, followed by regret, followed by everlasting night. This little theory could not have been more accurately ascribed to this kid, who had been poked fun at by his peers but never seriously threatened, for every denizen of Peach Creek maintained amongst them an unspoken law: "never, ever give Ed a reason to become upset, and if you do, never stick him in an enclosed space. For if you do, he will barrel toward his adversaries with eyes of blazing fire, and a mind bent only on the destruction of anything in his path. And all you'll have is a face in the pavement and stinging bruises all over your body."

The creed was never that verbose, but it was an apt way to put it. If they would have seen the trail of broken-bodied Space Pirates left in Ed's wake on that particular day, rest assured that they would not have been in the least surprised; "that's just like Ed," they would respond.

And Ed would say, "oh, wait a second, guys, let me add one more to the pile!"

One more relentless Space Pirate - the last of Glacier One's security force, no less. A trophy to be had.

"Away with you, interloper from another world!"

No sooner had Ed declared his intent to wipe his Space Pirate pursuer off the face of the planet had he let loose his fully-charged Power shot with the intention of blowing the thing's hideous head clean off its shoulders. No doubt the Pirate had been taken aback by his abrupt change in tactics – cowardice to courage, mayhap? Or was it simply foolishness that had stricken the boy? Perhaps the latter, but what this assassin did not understand was that this Earthling was all about being an idiot, and was not afraid to show it.

Ffffff-shhhhhhack!

What should have been a precise head-shot had turned out to be quite the opposite – in one swift motion that defied sight, the Pirate averted its own fate by raising its blade and cutting Ed's blast in half, whereupon the two severed globs of energy careened past its head and straight into the reflective cave wall behind; Ed's mighty trump card quickly became a sickly-yellow splatter-stain.

The boy blinked once and wondered whether he was going a little overboard with this 'imagination' thing.

"…Whoaaaa…" he marveled, jaw agape. Nowhere in his vast stockpile of B-movie VHS tapes had the sinister alien assassins ever cut the Space Outlaws' energy blasts in two, let alone with a glowing blade! "I think my eyes are broken…!"

They certainly were, for he had failed to notice that the Pirate had shifted to the offensive, charging straight toward the boy and leaping at him, contorting its skeletal body and whipping its leg at his fish-face in a menacing roundhouse kick. With his stupidity in full swing, Ed's instincts had no choice but to take the wheel, and he bent his body backwards far enough to avoid the jaw-shattering strike by half a foot.

A second later, his battle-ready brain took control, and not a moment too soon, for his eyes instantly beheld the Pirate's lightly-armored chest – the word "weakness" flashed through the cavern where his mind should have been. The night-black chestplate may as well have had a target painted onto it.

"X marks the spot!" he Ed, still bent backwards but fully intent on blasting the Pirate to kingdom come, as he went to point his arm cannon at the Pirate's weak point. However, his opponent was no slouch, either, for it had raised its blade and plunged it straight for Ed's heart at the exact same moment. The oaf had no choice but to parry the strike with his cannon, but in doing so lost his balance and clumsily wound up on his back.

But he was not about to lose his chance at a quick victory, oh no! The moment he made contact with the icy cave floor, he let loose a single missile, which the deft Pirate dodged with a swift backward leap. The missile sailed onward, though, and struck the ceiling far above, jarring loose a myriad of glassy shards from the ceiling, which rained downward toward the black-eyed boy.

"Toothpicks!" screamed Ed as he rolled deftly aside and dodged what could have been a messy fate, the icicles crashing beside him only moments later. "Ah, teeth saved!"

He smiled for a moment or two, his brain once again temporarily shutting down and venturing into dreamland while his exasperated instincts took control once more. Knowing that the Pirate had been about to take advantage of his prone form for a quick kill, Ed whipped his wrist outward to his left, his Grapple Beam snaking out at whip-speed and wrapping itself three times around his assailant's ankles.

"Whoa-ho! I got you now, do-no-gooder!" guffawed the oaf through a victorious smile as he excitedly jumped to his feet, the Pirate caught in his torturous trap and sure to meet its end within moments (as all of its comrades had when wrangled in Ed's intergalactic lasso!). With a valiant cry of "down we go!" Ed violently tugged on his end of the energy-rope, sending the Pirate onto its face.

Or at least that's what he had been expecting.

In fact, the Pirate budged not. Instead of being jerked forward and crashing face-first onto the thick sheet of ice upon which they dueled, it regarded Ed with genuine curiosity, its head tilted to one side like an animal who did not understand the commands of its owner. It seemed more interested in what the Earthling was trying to accomplish rather than threatened by his attempts to bring it down.

"…Huh?" was the only thing Ed could utter as he realized that yet another tried-and-true tactic was put to shame by this tenacious Pirate. "Oh, you must be an uber-evil boss alien. The leader of a vaaaaaast army of do-no-gooders! I get it now, ah-huh!"

Ed was the type who believed that repeating the same technique ad nauseum would yield eventual results, and was not about to give up on his always-trusty Grapple Beam clincher. "Well, Mr. Space Boss's face, prepare to meet your face! Uh, in the ice!"

He tugged again, his arm-joints crackling at his strained attempt to knock this opponent down.

But again, nothing. The Pirate cocked its head to the opposite side, probably more amused than confused at this point. Was it trying to insult the boy in an attempt to coax him into hasty attack, which would no doubt be easily parried by its shimmering blade? Whatever it was trying to do, Ed would have none of it! Nobody spat in the face of a fearless Space Outlaw and lived to speak of it!

"Loopgalooo!" garbled the suburban superhero as he grasped the rope in his very teeth and pulled back like a shark on a fishing line, the entire weight his body moving in the other direction, eventually bursting into a full sprint – it felt more like he was trying to pull a steamroller than a Space Pirate, that was for sure, because this thing simply would not go down. But still, why wouldn't another tug do the trick? He pulled again for the final time…

Shink!

A sudden change in momentum sent Ed hurtling backward toward the edge of the cave with frightening speed as the Pirate suddenly cut the energy rope with its shimmering edge in the midst of his pull. Completely baffled as to how his favorite technique failed so miserably against what should have been a normal Space Pirate, albeit with fancier armor, Ed slid across the ice on his green-jacketed back until his flat head collided straight into the equally-smooth cavern wall with a rather satisfying ka-thunk!

"Whoa…hello, wall!" postulated Ed as he rubbed his aching cranium, gazing at the mini-stars orbiting in and out of sight in wonder. He thought he saw his face reflected in them for a moment. "Hello, Ed!" he cried excitedly.

His delusions did not last long, though, for when he was in danger, Ed had a tendency to be ever-vigilant. "Oh, right! I see you, assassin!" Jumping straight upward onto his metallic-booted feet, Ed pointed his arm cannon forward and made the finger-motion necessary to launch a shimmering super-destructive-and-always-works-missile.

But before he could even complete the split-second combination, the Pirate appeared before him in a blackened flash, grabbed onto his trusty weapon with its scale-encrusted, tri-fingered hand, yanked it straight off the kid's forearm, and cast it aside like a piece of worthless scrap metal, where it bounced and skidded across the chamber, out of Ed's desperate reach.

Plink…plink…plink…

The sound was a shrill death-sentence to Ed's ears.

"But…but…I, uh…!" stammered the weaponless monobrow, raising his hands in a mixed gesture of immense fright and surrender as his mind desperately scrambled to comprehend what had just happened and where his odds of survival had disappeared to. His eyes darted to his arm cannon Russell, then to his assailant, then to Russell, muttering hapless gibberish all the while…

His garbled queries were promptly answered with a close-up gaze down the ashen barrel of the Space Pirate's plasma rifle, and the chamber eventually fell silent as the prolonged skidding of the boy's arm cannon ceased.

"Ennahshrr Phedreyshn pehsht…" the Pirate growled in a gravel-laden rasp as it studied Ed's fear-stricken visage with an even mix of curiosity and sheer enjoyment, attempting to speak in Earthen tongue. Probably so the boy would hear something familiar before he met his end. "Krosht leikk hah-warvm untirr aurk ahrmerrt phutt!"

Ed's eyes remained fixed on the puce-colored swill, dribbling forth from the edges of its jaws with every annunciation, though he still heard the Pirate's words – what was more, his science-fiction-saturated brain had actually processed most of it, a rare occurrence indeed. His mind was a deformed colander through which only very specific materials could pass; alien-speak was one of 'em. In response to the assassin's statement, he looked downward at the reptile's bare, near-skinless feet, naturally coated in ash-black scales. He looked upward again and fearfully gazed at the Pirate's monstrous face.

"Hey, wait a second…you only have three toes!"

And the Pirate bared its teeth in what had to have been the most unsettling grimace Ed had ever laid eyes on.

There was something about jogging down a corridor of pure white toward the arctic ends of the planet that made Edd feel more than a tad uneasy.

Granted, nothing had drastically changed about the aesthetics of the environment – the snow was as white and powdery as it had ever been, the dreary clouds that obscured the Ooromine sun remained both omniscient and indifferent to the world below, and Edd's fatigued, frantic breaths still fogged up his own visor more often than he liked. But as the lone Earthling traversed the vast southern mountain ranges of Phendrana, one question never failed to poke and prod at his engine of a brain:

Will I make it in time?

The answer, of course, repeated itself on his very tongue with every hastened step he took into winter's blanched storm:

"Yes, I will. Yes, I will. Yes, I will!"

Though his task was of the upmost importance and demanded his full athletic effort, Eddward had taken the necessary precautions in order to ensure that he was not getting in over his head (as if he already wasn't). His visor's map system had been programmed to track his every move and therefore made a digital record of every step he took – this would prevent the boy from losing his way, and relieved him of the stressful task of navigating his way out of Phendrana's wintry expanse when the time eventually came to depart for warmer pastures.

And hopefully, thought Edd as he carefully slid down an icy hill on his protected posterior, now about a kilometer or so south from the Quarantine Cave. I'll be leaving with company. Thankfully, my Thermal Visor will make the task of locating Ed within these frozen lands much easier.

When he finally slowed to a stop at the bottom of the vale, he jumped to his feet and wasted no time in propelling himself forward with his boost boots until the area narrowed off into a winding canyon of jagged cliff walls and snowless stone ground. As he sped onward, a single image remained emblazoned in his vision: an upward-rising smudge of blackened soot in the sky that never seemed to come any closer even as the yards flew by and the minutes passed.

I think I can smell it from this distance, noted Edd, though he had to be conscious about doing so, an act that nearly caused him to crash headlong into an upcoming canyon wall, which he only ended up swerving around thanks to his visor's danger sensor blaring something along the lines of "Edd, what are you doing, you maniac?" Deeming his boosting to be too dangerous in such a zig-zagged area, he deactivated his boots and jogged the old-fashioned way…which, incidentally, was not something he was too proficient at. He lost his breath in seconds.

Thankfully, he did not have to trek very far, and slowed to a hastened walk as the path began to open up, until eventually it ceased being a trail altogether. As Eddward slowly maneuvered toward the precipice of the cliff he had suddenly found himself standing on, he began to take in what his visor had poignantly identified as the 'edge of Phendrana.'

My word…well, it seems this is going to be a bit trickier than I thought…

It was no wonder he was becoming more cynical with every passing minute, because frankly, he could not have been more correct.

Though the expansive range of white-capped crags that arose before him, stretching far into the foggy horizon toward Tallon IV's south pole, were jaw-droppingly picturesque, they also looked like an adventurer's deathtrap, where explorers and diehards went to perish under winter's frigid breath. What was more, the column of escape pod smoke that he had been seeking seemed to be billowing forth from within that very range…maybe a mile or so in, maybe less, but there was no way he was going to trek through that alpine trail and come out alive. Even the Alps seemed more tourist-friendly, he thought.

Of course, that was not even the worst of it. That precarious 'honor' went to the hundred-foot drop far below that silently begged for him to fall prey to a clumsy misstep. Peering off the precipice, Eddward could only shudder at the expansive trench separating him from the remainder of the beckoning Phendrana range – even after straining his eyes and adjusting the optic parameters of his visor, he could hardly see the watery bottom below, the depths of which he had no intention of falling into.

I doubt my Varia Suit would be able to handle those kinds of temperatures! he worried as he examined the trench further, knowing that even with a running start, he was not going to be clearing that trench, because 1.) he did not have the required physical ability and 2.) he did not have the required guts.

The way down, though, did not look nearly as fatal as he had first thought – upon further inspection, he could make out a series of thick branches sprawling across the trench like a natural bridge. Further down, below that, he could spot another one…and another…heck, enough to cushion a clumsy fall, should he be cursed by one.

Ah, I see now! marveled Edd, yet another proverbial light bulb shimmering brilliantly over his nimble noggin. The only way I'm going to get to Ed's landing site is if I travel beneath the mountains instead of over them. In order to do that, I'll need to locate a cave within the trench wall that will lead me to the path I seek…

He rested his expansive chin on his wrist as he scanned the wall of the canyon far below…

…Yes, just as I thought! he affirmed with a victorious grin, a thin stream of icy breath flowing from his dental gap. There, forty feet below, at the end of that bridge – that's my destination! If my calculations are correct, that cave should lead me away from this area and directly under the mountains. That would save me some treacherous footwork, as well as precious time.

Though he had located just the kind of pathway into the range he had been seeking, there was no way he was going to risk jumping down into such a looming chasm, even with his Space Jump Boots – he'd sooner dance and romp on a no-trespass lawn in Peach Creek! Thus, he did the next best thing that came to mind: attaching the end of his Grapple Beam to the outcropping edge of the cliff, he slowly rappelled down the northern wall of the trench, ever so cautiously and actively forcing himself not to look downward…or upward, lest he pass out like he so often did in rope-climbing-oriented gym classes.

Slowly…slowly…that's it… he thought, his entire body a-tremble with fright as he inched downward into what increasingly felt like the maw of a titanic earthen monster – he half-expected a gargantuan tongue to arise from its depths and knock him down into the endless throat of the planet. Slow and steady wins the race, after all… Ah, there we go. Seems close enough.

Surely enough, the entrance he had been seeking rested about fifteen feet below his position – he'd have to leap toward it from where he was, as there were no boughs that would catch his fall at this height. Thus, in a carefully-planned maneuver, Edd flicked off his Grapple Beam and, as soon as the bluish sparks of energy dissipated into the Tallon air, thrust himself off of the frozen wall and toward the cave entrance, where he landed oh-so-not-very-gracefully on his stomach, gaining naught but a mouthful of snow for his troubles.

With a righteous plaahgg! Eddward let fly the white, wintry delight from his maw and wiped his face free of it, as well. Readjusting his signature black hat, he rose to his feet and waited for his eyesight to adjust to the darkened path before him, opting not to make use of the Thermal Visor just yet – it would only yield a pure-blue corridor, after all.

"Well, all in all, that worked nicely," he admitted, inhaling deeply and again repeating his goal in his mind before taking up a slow jog into the grotto. Again keeping his left hand against the wall as he went so as not to lose his way (or his balance), he risked using the boost boots again, as the path seemed linear enough to warrant it. Actually, to his great relief, the trail eventually led him to an outside path, where the brightened Phendrana sky graciously illuminated the trail before him.

Ah, very nice! he thought thankfully, shielding his eyes with his hand but keeping pace all the same. At least I can see where I'm going...

Wait, a second…is it just me, or…oh, don't tell me…don't tell me!

Well, fate did not need to tell him anything this time – it was too gradual to notice at first, but as he continued his jog, he noticed that the path had become narrower and narrower with every step, until he was faced with a sight most unpleasant at this point in his journey: a hole, no smaller than a mailbox, at that. He gawked at the miniscule opening in disbelief, reaching under his visor and rubbing his eyes to make sure he was not experiencing snowblindness. And yet it remained.

The phrase 'Eddward in Wonderland' whizzed through his increasingly-cynical mind.

Well, at least the path hasn't completely closed off, he admitted, scratching his chin in thought as he pondered how in the world he was going to get through that hole without having to remove his bones first. He turned around and briefly considered finding another way through the mountains, but he had already decided that there was no turning back now that he was so close to meeting up with Ed – the left and the right only yielded his own reflection, transfigured and warped by the jagged texture of the ice. And before him…the hole of ever-shrinking dimensions!

He let out an exasperated sigh, seeing no other recourse. "Well, if I can make it into Jonny's room through a hole in his wall…" he admitted, stifling a retrospective chuckle as he slowly crouched down and began working his way into that impossibly-small mousehole. "Where's Ed and his reckless strength when you need him? Ugh, look at me. Am I really saying this…?"

How he did it, nobody would ever know – it could be said that even he would be unable to recount how he managed to fit through that ten-foot-long claustrophobic nightmare. Therefore, there would never really be an effective narration of how young Eddward ever worked his way through that thing. One would sooner fall victim to a random black hole in one's bedroom, or be sucked into a nearby soda can.

His journey was not without discomfort, though! With anguished grunts and aggravated cries of "hey, I'm stuck!" and "waaaaagh!" he shuffled toward the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, its ever-tantalizing brilliance fueling his desire to live as well as his desire to see a chiropractor. Minutes later, he finally burst forth from the snowed-in hole and crawled out, his bones and joints screaming in agony and wanting, plainly, to die. Eddward immediately rolled over onto his back and entered a fit of hyperventilation, gripping at his own throat in an attempt to fight off an extreme bout of claustrophobia before moving onward and outward.

With thousands of nerves to calm, it would be a while.

"…No more…no more…of that!" he stammered resolutely, his will to move utterly shot as he simply let his face be pelted with thick, wet snowflakes for a moment or two. "Honestly…I'm beginning to think that simply going around the mountains would have been a better idea…! I swear, I will never enter another mouse-sized hole such as that for the rest of my days…"

Rrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

It was gradual and therefore unnoticeable at first, but eventually Edd had come to the realization that the immediate area had been stricken with a rather curious tremor. However, from where he was, the quaking served as a well-deserved massage for his aching bones, especially after such a terrifying ordeal, and instead of panicking, he remained on his back and simply enjoyed the reverberations.

"A-a-a-a-a-a-hhhhh…th-th-ere w-we-e-e g-g-goooo…" he uttered with a smile as the trembling earth soothed his weary back muscles, massaged his stiffened bones, and eased his fragmented soul, not bothering to postulate why in the world the planet had suddenly gone into a hissy fit. Perhaps it was angry at the fact that this boy had passed its most difficult challenge, the 'Hole of Despair'!

Eventually, though, he found himself more than a tad curious.

"…W-w-w-w-wonder wher-r-re th-that's c-c-c-c-om-m-m-m-ing f-f-f-from?"

At that point, as one might guess, it only took a few seconds for the thoughts in Edd's mind to transition from "nature's finally rewarding me for my troubles" to "I am such a fool!"

Krrrrrshhhhhh! Rrrrreeaaaaaarrrkkk!

As soon as those startling, successive sounds echoed throughout the area, a single word began repeating itself in Eddward's mind until he came to a realization that shackled him at the very core of his being, sending electric currents of panic throughout his entire body.

Beetle.

Still lying prone on the ground, Eddward gawked down the path, the world upside down as he saw what must have been a very-distant (at least geographically) cousin of the Tallon forest and Chozo ruins beetle-monster, trying to stifle a scream as it emerged from the crusted-over snow with gnashing mandibles and electric-green eyes that conveyed a message of revenge. Edd's fearful eyes could see that its blackened carapace, its jagged jawbones, and a crystallized cortex meant that this particular species had readily adapted to the Phendrana region, and as such, was not about to let the first meal in a long time get away.

…Nope. There was no way he was going to keep himself from freaking out any longer.

"Karma!" shrieked Eddward as he instantly jumped to his feet and instinctively activated his Space Jump Boots – full throttle, that is – facing the wrong direction. Realizing his error and knowing that the ravenous arthropod was making a lunge at his temperature-regulating coat, he awkwardly maneuvered his body so that he performed an extraordinarily bizarre variant of a backflip straight over the beetle, utterly confusing it while he landed squarely on his face, his hands at his sides as he plopped perfectly horizontally into the snow.

"Mffffoooooooooo!"

Though the world had not heard his defiant cry into the snow, Eddward knew he had no time to lose – trying to keep away from the oversized pest as if it had come from under Ed's own bed, he hastily rolled away into the dark cavern before him. The beetle had turned around and had begun pitter-pattering toward him ravenously, but as its target tumbled further and further into the darkness, it eventually slowed down to a stop before retreating back into the snowy clearing, clearly losing interest in its prey.

Perhaps someday, another wayfarer would make the mistake of venturing into its solitary den. Or perhaps not. If beetles could cry…

Once he was sure he had been completely concealed by the shade of the grotto, Edd stood up and brushed the snow and dirt from his Varia Suit, which had gradually begun to lose its luster. It was all worth it, though, as long as he would never have to encounter…the scourge again!

Oh no, Mother Nature won't fool me again with those insipid insects! I can see through her game… thought Edd triumphantly, waving his finger at nobody in particular as a devilish grin graced his face. The more of those beetles I antagonize, the more seem to come after me, following me to the ends of the planet in an act of revenge! Well, not today, for now the tables have turned! Either way, I would rather get into a fistfight with a Space Pirate…er, no, maybe Rolf.

…No, Jimmy. Yes, we'll go with that…

Once his eyes had again adjusted to a darker environment, Edd took up a hearty jog again down the path before him, though not before allowing himself a small snicker of triumph, having beaten the beetles at their own dastardly game…probably!

He exhaled slowly, though that smile never left his face. "Ha ha…I really need to get some sleep." But there was to be no sleep for Eddward, for no matter how many clumsy encounters he was to endure with those trifling insects, he was a boy with a mission. And Ed would not wait for him forever, lost inside those black caverns…

The longer he stared at the huge slab of earth hovering above the crater, the more Eddy's mind began to meander. The elevator had long since reached the bottom of the shaft, but he had found the sight of that huge well in the ground, as well as the great aforementioned earth-chunk, so strangely captivating that he had grabbed onto the small wires coating the windowpanes and hung there like a monkey, his visor pressed against the glass. He had never really seen a true crater before – the one he had created in the pavement back home with his steel "safety-suit" didn't really count, as much as he hated to admit it. Once his mind had been wrapped around the insanity of its size, he began to speculate on what had caused it.

Maybe some giant jackhammer from space, he thought, mouth agape. I dunno, I'd have to ask Sockhead. He'd probably know. He probably knows what's going on with everything by now…that is, if he even left that ship of his!

He glanced downward; the elevator was about fifty feet below him. He shrugged and turned his gaze back to the window, a tapestry of raindrops.

So, okay, the forest where Double Dee landed is somewhere near that crater. His mind went back to the camera footage he saw on that terminal a few hours ago. It had been raining in that feed, too. That means we shouldn't be very far apart. But where am I? I keep reading 'Phazon Mines' everywhere in this stupid place. So, wait a second…oh, duh, that means the Pirates are mining that Phazon stuff, whatever that is.

He prodded his lip and entered depths of thought he wasn't even aware existed within his mind.

Phazon. Phazon. Where have I heard that word before? Well, there was that one huge tank on the first level that had that huge freaking Space Pirate in it; the computer-thingy next to it said 'Phazon' at one point. Wonder if it's that blue stuff? Yeah, that same blue stuff I saw just now…

His eyes lit up, and absentmindedly he yelped out a righteous "A-ha!"

I'm such a genius. Those dumb Space Pirates are mining that blue gooey stuff from the crater. See, I don't need no Sockhead to help me figure stuff out like this! I amaze me sometimes! Didn't take me long to get a good holda the situation, eh?

The revelation didn't last long, though. His face became deathly placid.

Oh, jeez, he thought, biting his lower lip. That means that this place must be crazy-important for the Pirates, if it's where they're getting all of their gooey Phazon stuff. Gah, that means it's almost as bad as the trailer park! And even worse, how am I gonna escape if I just keep going deeper into this trash-heap?

The fear welling up inside him was so paralyzing that he completely let go from the chains and, absentmindedly, plummeted fifty feet down the elevator shaft. With no thought as to the reality of his situation, Eddy simply allowed himself to crash with a great metallic clang! on his back. He didn't even respond with a sound oof! or even a gargh! No, his mind was still on the horrific postulations that he had just mulled over, postulations that he wasn't even aware he could…postulate.

He blinked a few times.

Wait a second, he thought. If I got this far into the Phazon Mines, which is definitely a super-important place that's almost as bad as the trailer park, without any help from my friends…then holy cow...

And Eddy gasped with vigor, a crazed smile stretching elastically over his face.

I am crazy-GOOD at this!

He leapt to his feet, completely disregarding the jarring reality of the deadly fall he had just succumbed to, brushed himself off, and made straight for the hallway that connected to the elevator shaft. A small area, similar to the ones attached to previous shafts, and nothing remotely special. The door, hexagonal like all the others, invited him with a blue-ish glow; as always, he simply touched it and waited for it to instantaneously open up and bare its contents to him in splendor. Nothing, after all, could stand in the way of crazy-GOOD Eddy.

Heck, throw all the Pirates you want at me, I can take 'em on! he thought.

Eddy's mood swings, thus, were one of the great wonders of the world, and yet sadly, no-one had ever been around long enough to witness them.

The door, he noticed, was taking a ridiculously long time to open up – a full minute later and the thing was still depressurizing. Eddy decided that if he had a watch, he would stare at it, groan, and tap his foot impatiently. Instead he simply clawed at the portal desperately before crossing his arms and leaning up against the wall with a sigh.

"Come on, it's not like I have all day, you know!" he said with a scowl. He briefly entertained the notion that maybe slowing down would allow Ed and Edd to catch up with him, those unreliable slow-pokes, but hey, if they couldn't keep up with crazy-GOOD Eddy, that was their problem. "Jeez, it's almost like this place wants me to stay trapped in it forever. 'Oh, look at me, I'm a huge stinkin' mine and I like to take forever when I open up my doors-'"

A little module on the wall, shaped like a calculator, grabbed his attention and slew his sentence before he could finish it. He probably only noticed it because it was rather shiny, but either way he found himself curious enough to take it in his hand and stare at it for a while. It looked vaguely like a non-working contraption that Rolf would keep around, or an obscure gadget found in Edd's room, which was odd, because it was the first time he saw something remotely familiar-looking in all the time he had been trapped in the mines. Everything else had just been so alien, large, translucent, warped, sinister…this was a welcome distraction, though Eddy himself wasn't sure why.

He took off his arm cannon and twisted one of the knobs located on its surface, which moved a needle on its screen to the left and to the right, accordingly.

"Huh. Maybe I can take this back to Peach Creek and sell it to Jonny for a couple bucks," he said through a malicious grin. "That kid would buy a piece of junk just like that-"

A crackling of static emanated from the contraption.

Eyes wide, Eddy fidgeted with the other dial.

More crackling. Then, garbled voices, alien-tongue, ambiance from space.

Eddy's jaw practically dropped to the floor.

He had found a radio.

Passing through the under-mountain network, a vast honeycomb of winding trails that stretched off in nearly every direction conceivable, was not going to be the easiest of ordeals - that much Edd had assured himself.

However, that did not prepare him for the extraordinary amount of legwork that he eventually had to endure – the path he had chosen was too long to go all the way on foot, yet at the same time was too unpredictable for him to risk using the boost boots. Thus, the increasingly-weary boy found himself at wit's end, driven only by his inability to predict how long Ed would be able to outmaneuver his Pirate opponent. He had always put a lot of stock in Ed's ability to deceive with his ridiculous ways, but maybe that was because he did not want to imagine his comrade in such dire straits.

The back entrance to Glacier One must be nearby… thought Eddward, his jog slowed down to a dreary staggering, keeping his limp hand near the cavern wall just in case he decided to keel over. I guess I really did take the long way…Ed probably reached this area in no time…

He went to remove his hat in order to wipe his head of sweat, but a bizarre sight ahead of him prevented him from doing so – in fact, it was just the change of scenery that prompted him to be filled with excitement again. With somewhat of a broken spring in his step, he fumbled out toward the end of the closed path he was following until he finally stumbled into a clearing – a refreshingly huge one, that is.

In fact, the cavern he came out in was frighteningly gargantuan, certainly much bigger than he had ever imagined possible! So this was what the caverns beneath the Phendrana looked like… The place seemed so different from the rest of the region, what with its goliath stalactites, its domed, icicled ceiling, its frost-blackened, glazed-over rocky walls, that Eddward assumed that it was of an entirely different ecology. He had never been one to venture into caves back in Peach Creek, often citing their abundance of insidious germs, but this…this was quite the sight to behold.

"And this must be where Ed spent most of his time, at least before I arrived in Phendrana…" he noted, a wave of relief washing over him as he realized that his destination was in fact reachable. "Oh, it must have been nice to just stay put in one area while your friends do all the legwork…oh, Ed, you never cease to frustrate me."

He called out his friend's name, his high-pitched, shaky voice echoing off of the walls and shackling the icicles above him, only to be greeted by himself mere seconds later. Another call offered the same results – the solitude of the wintry environment, apathetically letting him know: 'yes, you are in a cave.'

'Yes, you are still alone.'

His armored shoulders slinked forward, allowing himself a defeated sigh for a moment before following his backup plan. "Well, if he's not here, then I had best search the premises for clues as to his whereabouts." He looked downward at his own vermillion boots, noticing that the snow-bound path that he was standing in was quite trodden, with stretched-out footprints of varying sizes, one set of which was unmistakable even to his weary eyes:

Ed-tracks. He knew the length of that clumsy stride anywhere.

He had just been here.

The other set…well, they looked alien enough, which led Edd to believe that Ed had not lost the Space Pirate assassin as easily as he would have hoped. The thing had probably been right behind him. But at least Edd had the tangible evidence he needed.

"Right, I've got a good lead – he was here recently," he muttered to himself, his adrenaline pumping as he looked around the expansive cavern, straining to see the other side due to how long the place was. The rather large lake far below his position seemed to have been coated in a thick sheet of ice until recently, judging by the freshly-scattered fragments floating around in its still-ripping waters. "And Ed must have fallen through there…or at least the Pirate. Hopefully the Pirate. Oh dear, I really don't have a lot of time…"

He looked onward toward the shore of that very lake, where he spotted footprints in the snow, scrambling upward toward the far-off cliff wall directly opposite of where Edd stood. The Ed-prints were followed by Pirate-prints, and, judging by how beat-up and clawed-out the cliff wall looked, Ed must have gone up there. "Right, that's the path he took!" he noted excitedly, his path more or less clear at this point. "But they made such a mess of that wall – even with my Grapple Beam and the Space Jump Boots, I probably would not be able to go up that way. Drat, I'll need to find another route!"

Edd attempted to scratch his head in order to think of a way past the area, but found himself unable to…and frankly, he couldn't quite figure out why there was a sudden tugging sensation on his left wrist. "Strange…" he uttered as he looked downward at his hand and realized what had happened.

He had been 'Grapple Beamed'.

"What in the world?" he cried as he tugged at the energy rope that had suddenly fastened itself around his hand. Stricken with panic, he looked upward at its source, fully hoping that it was Ed playing a trivial prank on him. Unfortunately, the source was not nearly as welcome – in fact, t'was rather horrifying! Eddward strained to both come loose and scan the far-off creature that had snagged him so quickly, intent on figuring out what it was. But as it came closer and closer, he found that he did not exactly need his scan visor in order to discern what the heck was attacking him.

…A Metroid!

But there was something so incredibly odd about this one that Edd was more taken about by it than he was by normal variants of the species; in fact, at first he had not recognized it for what it was. In place of a perfectly orbed, translucent head was a lopsided, floppy husk riddled with veiny nerve clusters, its sickly-orange tint almost completely clouding the crimson nuclei in its center. It looked ill…unnatural, as if it were exposed to some outside natural influence. Whatever it was, Edd wanted it off.

"Agh, let go of me!" he yelled as he tried to aim his arm cannon at the hovering apparition, intent on striking it down with a flurry of missiles, but not even their heat-seeking capabilities could follow this unnaturally agile apparition – it seemed this variant of Metroid was rather wise to the violent ways of interstellar weaponry. It's most likely seasoned after being aggravated by Space Pirate researchers! reasoned Edd as he regarded the creature's ghastly shape.

A Super Missile was Edd's next tactic, an attack that successfully struck the monster square in its half-inflated balloon of a cranium, but its overly-gelatinous form seemed to absorb most of the impact. Angered, the Metroid retracted its siphon-beam and simply bull-rushed Eddward, probably intent on knocking the Earthling off of the cliff edge and into the lake below!

"Oh no, you don't!" cried a foreseeing Edd as he gave the beast a vicious taste of his deal-breaking Wavebuster, the overpowering electrical current sentiently constricting the Metroid; within mere seconds the beast's head was ruptured, and its lifeless form fluttered down onto the lake-shore far below, accompanied only by its faint yet ear-piercing screeches of agony.

Though the scourge was rightly defeated, Edd still shuddered at the notion of a monster that could readily withstand a strike from his overpowering Super Missiles. His panicked breath heavy, he took a brief moment to scan the deflated corpse from afar:

Morphology: Hunter Metroid.

Adolescent Metroid. Energy-siphon tentacle increases its threat level.

As Metroids develop, they become more efficient predators. An energy-draining tentacle allows them to attack at a distance. Quick to anger, a Hunter Metroid will charge troublesome pretty and attempt to ram them into submission. Like its lesser cousin, it still retains a vulnerability to cold environments.

That explains why it was stored here in the frigid regions, he thought as he regarded the Hunter Metroid's lifeless body with disgust. Evolving Metroids…I can only assume the Pirates are responsible for this, as they have been for nearly every nightmarish discovery I've made…

Unfortunately he had no time to dwell on this disturbing discovery; with the otherworldly threat cast aside and defeated, Edd returned to the task of trailing the most repulsive kid from Peach Creek through the icy caverns of the southern reaches. Unfortunately, this time, he could not readily follow his friend's cartoonish stench like he could have back in the cul-de-sac. Instead of using his nose, he used his eyes to scan the entire expanse of the subterranean area until he finally spied a small tunnel across from him, beneath the path that Ed took – he slowly hovered down to the ground level and boosted straight into its depths, not wasting another moment.

Glancing at his map, Eddward quickly put two and two together in order to make sure he was not following a tangential path that would lead him to the wrong area. "If I can't follow the path that Ed took, then I'll need to make sure that my alternate route leads me to the same relative area," he noted, convincing himself that there was no time to lose. "I can't afford to miscalculate my direction. I'd need to get outside in order to get my bearings!"

And he was granted his request, for about fifty yards down the cavernous path lied a clearing most profound, and Edd was temporarily blinded by the light of the Phendrana sky when he jogged out into it. Unshielding his eyes, he quickly took in the scene – in a similar scenario as before, he found himself on the edge of a cliff overlooking yet another trench, this time within the mountain range – he had made great progress, it seemed, about a mile or so! The trench below…well, he could hardly see the bottom of it, though his Thermal Visor indeed indicated that a watery fate would await a clumsy misstep, as before.

"Right, so at least I'm still going south," he affirmed, wiping his brow as he scanned the skyline for his smoky waypoint.

"…Wait a minute…" he uttered, a sudden wave of fear washing over him. "The smoke signal…where did it go?"

Indeed, the southern sky was no longer tainted by the black signal that he had been chasing down. Checking his map, he could see that the tunnel he had passed through extended southward like he predicted. He looked back at his databanks and reaffirmed the geographical position of the cave he had just been in. "Oh, drat!" he shouted aloud as he nearly slapped himself on the forehead…and, after a brief moment of consideration, he did. "The path Ed took extended to the east, not the south…" He looked upward toward the eastern skyline, and indeed, the black smoke arced upward into infinity in that direction. Funnily enough, he had gone in the wrong direction – however, that he had so easily passed it mean that his destination was closer than he expected

Aha! he thought, nearly jumping in place as his fear was replaced with a welcome bout of excitement. It appears I'm so close that I accidentally passed it by going through that last tunnel. Right, I must search the crevice here for a tunnel leading to the crash site, so I can-

Ka-crasshhhhh!

A blast of fire about four feet away from his position sent Edd's train of thought far off-course, an occurrence that was becoming all-too-common for him at this point. Not having much leeway to get away in case of a second strike, Edd had no choice but to look upward into the Phendrana sky, where his absolute worst fears were confirmed…

Pirates! Flying Pirates! thought Edd, wanting to curse and scream at his terrible luck as he swiftly charged up a shimmering Power shot, regarding the two jet-pack-wearing Space Pirates swiftly hovering down toward his position and launching a flurry of missiles toward the cliff-edge upon which he stood. They must be the reinforcements that I scared off in the courtyard atop Glacier One! Oh, drat it all! Why now of all times?

If there was one thing that Eddward knew, it was that he was not about to let a few Space Pirate scoundrels keep him from finding his monobrowed friend amongst these accursed mountains.

Thus, he had to act fast: without wasting any time, he let fly one Super Missile, which reliably homed in and utterly annihilated the Pirate on the right. The other Pirate, however, swerved to the left in the nick of time and let loose on Edd's position with a wild flurry of crimson plasma blasts, visibly infuriated due to the death of its compatriot.

Eager to stop the Pirate's rage before it stopped him, Edd readied another Power shot – as he did so, he felt significant pangs of intense heat against his left arm and chest, obviously struck by a few of the Pirate's blasts. The impact staggered him a bit, but thankfully his Varia Suit was durable enough to absorb most of the impact. In retaliation, he fired one last Super Missile into the storm of reddened rain, and this time it homed in on its elusive mark, enveloping his foe in a radiant explosion.

"Phew!" exhaled Edd, looking upward at the sky in relief as he again narrowly averted disaster thanks to his light-speed thinking. Well, that definitely could have been worse – hopefully there won't be any more reinforcements-

Ka-crassshhh!

An explosion of incredible magnitude rocked the cliff upon which he stood, causing the very rock itself to shift beneath him – it appeared the Pirate's last-ditch missile had met its mark after all! Frantically, Edd grasped at the rock surrounding him as the cliff began to crumble down into the trench, and a last-ditch attempt to leap back into the cave proved unsuccessful. That said, he was able to grab onto what remained of the cliff – a single jutting stone, no larger than his fist – with his left hand.

"Drat, drat, drat!" he cried through a strained voice as he struggled to pull his own weight back into the cave, or anywhere besides the gaping trench below him, doing everything in his power to make sure he did not fall. His grip was awkward enough as it was, which meant that a flick-of-the-wrist to activate his Grapple Beam would not have been possible. What was more, there appeared to be no blatantly metallic material within the miniscule ledge which he hung from, thus rendering his newfound Spider Magnetism useless. All he had was his left hand and an arm completely immersed in a clumsily large arm cannon. "Please…not now…after I've come so far…!"

Mother Nature, however, would remain deaf to his pleas for assistance: as the rock that his life hung onto detached itself from the wall of the trench, Eddward could only scream defiantly at the Phendrana sky as he fell into the maw of the canyon, away from the light of the sun and far away from the smoke signal to which he had been journeying.

And the unknown, as always, welcomed him graciously into its fold.

His green jacket had long since been discarded in favor of increased mobility – a desperate use of his tongue as a makeshift whip to the Pirate's face had saved him from gunpoint, but not for long – the Pirate was so incredibly fast that he could not get away before being slugged in the face or kicked in the stomach, and even Ed could not endure that much physical pain for long. Certain by now that he would find a tooth laying around somewhere, Ed had no time to scramble for his arm cannon, and instead fought with what he had. With a battle-scream the oaf lashed out with a clawed hand at his assailant's face; in that same instant a long-fingered hand wrapped around his wrist, and the Pirate pulled him close, drove its fist into his eye, hurled him to the ground…

…From the floor he saw the Pirate's boot descending like a sledgehammer toward his face. Rolled out of the way, just in time…grapple-beam to its ankle…blade-severed. Not working. Nothing working at all. All the old tricks, rendered useless.

"Get away from me…monst-arrrgh!" Reactively he launched his grapple-beam toward its ankles again; again the Pirate reacted with a downward swing, intending to parry his lasso. But with a quick snap of the wrist Ed managed to coil his blue holy rope around the Pirate's neck! And Ed's smile, one tooth fewer, glimmered with victory. With the jarring force of a mule he pulled back on the cord, drawing his foe forward with a staggering lurch.

A chance!

The boy sprinted toward his adversary, and did the only thing he could do: with a battle-cry he smashed his forehead into the Pirate's skull, plowing through his opponent like a mad, stampeding rhinoceros; his foe crashed to the ground with a deep, garbled scream, debilitated, arms limp by its sides.

Somewhere, Russell seemed to sing out.

"I'm coming, Russell! Ed is coming for you!" And with all speed, thinking his grapple beam was still constricted 'round the Pirate's throat, Ed hobbled over to his weapon, glimmering tantalizingly on the ice. Reached down, feeling it within his fingers.

Until the boot seared into his side, sending him careening into the far wall.

Through blurred vision and a dull red pain in his stomach, Ed looked up from the floor at his black, demonic enemy, walking casually toward him, blade-brandished, unaffected, invulnerable, the king of the Pirates, a god, unbeatable, untouchable, and completely unreal. The words "I surrender!" danced on Ed's tongue, but this boy would have none of it. He would sooner die a Space Outlaw than live as a shamed traitor to his order. That was not the kind of person he was raised to be, not the kind of warrior that these rapturous times had called for. With a defiant snarl of his own, saliva spilling out onto the ice, good old Ed swore to himself to fight on like the hero his friends had made him out to be, the hero he had been in his wildest dreams, the hero whose face, even then, was reflected in the ice upon which he lay.

If only he could stand.