You'll remember Edmund had taken a shot believed to be for the Queen . . .
The usual disclaimer: I do not own history, though I have taken a great many liberties with it. I do not own Blackadder or any other characters in the Blackadder mythos. Please don't sue me, Blackadder people—I'm just having fun here.
In which gossip flies, Lords Melchett and Blackadder are kidnaped for ransom, Sir Mildmay is surprised, and there is a party. Of sorts.
Speculation flew faster than bats at dusk; who had tried to kill the Queen, and why? Was it some Catholic faction angry with her for her stance on religion? Was it some Scottish faction sent by Mary? Was it a relative hopeful to ascend the throne if Elizabeth was out of the way? Some crazed anti-royalist? Theories were as numerous as bristles on a boar, and as difficult to deal with.
Elizabeth herself was a bit quieter than normal, more thoughtful if that were possible. It is quite probable not even her favorite advisor, Melchett, or her faithful Nursie, knew what was going on in her head. Dudley had pressured her for years to marry him, but he was a married man—until Amy died (or was killed), and he was really out of the question. Obviously she could not marry a married man, and after Amy died (or was killed) to marry him would put the Queen's reputation especially to the test. Distrust would grow like Baldrick's ear hairs. If she wanted the best for England, who needed a strong and trusted ruler, she could not even think of marrying Dudley. Although, she had to admit, flirting with him had been so much fun!
She'd prorogued Parliament again when they told her they were cutting off her funds if she did not name an heir to the throne. That had shown them! They came back, hats in hand, and begged her forgiveness. Still, she had known it was only a matter of time before they came back at her about it, and they had.
Nursie had found her throwing things and yelling at no one in particular the day she'd gotten the letter, brought all the way to Apethorpe by courier from Parliament.
"What's wrong, my pet?"
"OOH! It's Parliament again and they want me to name an heir to the throne. Are they stupid? Yes, they are. They think I'm stupid, and that's very stupid of them! As if I can't see that the minute I name an heir to the throne, a man of course, it will be so easy for them to get me off the throne somehow and put a 'real' ruler on the throne. As if I, being a woman, am not fit to rule my country! And I am, you know—I've done a very good job so far."
"Of course you have, my dear." Nursie bent to pick up a silver plate that had landed amongst the cushions on a rather large settee.
"Well, I'm going to send them an answer they won't forget!" And she had opened the writing desk and pulled out parchment and ink. Melchett was working on her reply now, toning it down without losing any of her intent.
There had been other suitors, of course, and dozens of requests for marriage, some of them more than once by the same suitor. You'd think, she mused, they'd have gotten the message the first time. But one . . . she'd been considering more and more the past year . . . one courtier served her faithfully, had a quick wit, was knowledgable about affairs of state, and seemed to have a level head on him. It was Edmund, of course. And since he was only a Lord, and a minor one at that, those who opined her ineffective because of her womanhood might think twice about getting rid of her to place him on the throne. Nor was Blackadder one to be easily manipulated; they would hesitate for that reason as well.
And there were other, more personal reasons why she had been considering him. He rode well, sang, was an excellent swordsman, could be quite funny when he wanted to, and looked great in short breeches and long stockings. She had planned to ask him tonight, at supper, but now he was lying close to death in Marbeck's quarters. No more putting it off, she told herself firmly. As soon as he was well enough and back at Court, she'd ask him.
Several weeks later, a thinner and even paler Blackadder was loaded into a carriage with Baldrick and taken to Richmond, where the Queen had returned after her visit to Apethorpe. He was in olive green satin with bronze silk peeking through the slashes of his doublet, a gift from Sir Walter. He had had considerable opportunity to speak with Sir Walter after Elizabeth's departure and the two had become, Blackadder liked to think, rather good friends.
His recovery had gone much faster than Marbeck expected. The physician seemed pleasantly surprised that his efforts had done as well for Blackadder as they had. Edmund was simply thankful Mother's gift was still working. The driver was taking it slow to avoid jarring him, and Baldrick was solicitous of his every wince and groan as they covered the mud-rutted road. He felt decidedly lazy, lolling about on pillows in the carriage as they traveled back in the warm sunshine. He wasn't quite as weak as he appeared, but wasn't about to let on how well he did feel. Being shot in the back did not generally result in being able to be up and walking around so quickly. No need to arouse suspicions, lest a charge of witchcraft be leveled against him. Even in this modern day and age, one had to be careful.
"We must find some way to celebrate Lord Blackadder's return to us," Elizabeth said. Nursie, who had been with her since she was a tot, and Melchett, her most trusted advisor who had been with her since her Tower days, both agreed.
"Yes, madam, no doubt. What do you think would be appropriate?"
"I always like cake, myself," said Nursie.
"Yes, but we're not celebrating you, we're celebrating Blackadder."
"In that case, Majesty, might I suggest a bowl of toast with milk over it?" Melchett offered.
"Oh, Melchy, how can you be so awful, especially when you know he risked his life for me? I know—a party!"
Just then the subject of conversation arrived and walked up to the Queen's throne, bowing.
"Madam, I trust you are well."
"Absolutely! Nursie and Melchett and I are just spiffing, aren't we?"
"I don't know if I can make the party—I have this pain in my leg . . ." Nursie began.
"I said, aren't we?" Elizabeth pinched Nursie's leg through her gown.
"Oh, my leg! Yes, we are! Spiffing!"
Blackadder and Melchett exchanged glances, Melchett careful to just shrug in Nursie's direction, as if it was only more of her madness.
"And how are you doing, Blackadder?" he inquired.
"Well, I had quite the adventure last night, let me tell you."
"Yes, do tell us," Elizabeth said.
Blackadder coughed into his hand. "I'm not sure this is suitable for—" he glanced at Nursie "—two such, er, ladies as yourselves."
"Oh, go on, Edmund, tell your tale. We all know you were with Dr. Marbeck last night."
So Blackadder proceeded to tell a story that would have them laughing and distract them from his discomfort and lingering pain, for he was still recovering from the wound he had received at Apethorpe. It was a variation of a tale he had told often before to impress and to entertain, and it certainly had that effect this time, even though Melchett had already heard it himself.
He came to the end, then drew as long a breath as he could with the bandages still around his ribs, and began yelling. Not as loudly as he had yelled in the past, true, but pretty loudly just the same.
"Get out, get out, libidinous swine, and take that whore slut painted strumpet with you! May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!"
Melchett put on his amazed face, and the Queen stared wide-eyed.
"Mmm. And what did you say to him?"
Blackadder took another breath, then spoke slowly and coolly. "Say, madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window."
"Ooh, Edmund, you are so naughty!" They all knew it wasn't a true story, but the Queen loved to imagine Edmund in such a position.
"Well, I try, madam, and then ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again." His eyes met hers as she laughed and she felt that familiar thrill go through her. Tonight. She would ask him tonight.
Then Melchett had to get serious and petitioned the Queen to pay his nephew's ransom. Blackadder didn't sympathize one bit. People were always getting kidnapped and being ransomed; it was a major moneymaking concern. And as for himself, he was the Queen's favorite; nobody would dare to touch him. Unless, perhaps, they were megalomaniacal foreigners who had far more sinister reasons for doing so.
Blackadder didn't remember leaving the Privy Chamber. He didn't recall deliberately walking ahead of Baldrick and shutting the doors in his face so he wouldn't have to hear another one of Baldrick's inane stories. And he had no memory of being knocked unconscious and carried out of the palace by two men with strange accents.
(Blackadder's POV)
I awoke with a horrible headache, in a dungeon, tied to Melchett. He had been kidnapped as well, and we were unable to move, being tied back to back with good stout rope. A Spaniard came in and began speaking to Melchett; like a fool I insisted he talk to me. I didn't have a word of Spanish, and Melchett was fluent in the stuff. And because I made myself appear the more important—hoping I think to use my position to leverage my release—the Spaniard chose to torture me first.
I won't go into it except to say he spent a good long time insulting me and my antecedents just as a warmup. And before he really got started with his scythe, he was interrupted by my captor, Prince Ludwig. Which was good. He, too, insulted me. Which was bad, but not as bad as being gelded by a crazed Spaniard with a scythe. Finally I'd had enough and began to return his taunts.
"Oh, well, we are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'zur' instead of 'sir'. Essential at all social gatherings, the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices."
"Be quiet!" he commanded.
Ah, I'd hit a nerve. "What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder . . ." I had him, now. "I can't wait to see your side-splitting poof and your funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but is such a scream! And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, the fat-headed German chamber-pot standing in front of me!"
He was angry now, and angry men make mistakes. He brought in Melchett and informed us the Queen had written she would only pay one ransom. Melchett was nearly beside himself as he quietly explained to me the truth behind the letter he had been carrying when abducted. The kidnapper of his nephew wasn't going to get the ransom, and here we were with only one of us being ransomed. It wasn't right!
Ludwig would not make the choice himself and sent to her demanding she name the one he would free. It took a week for the reply to come. She answered his ransom demand by saying she would never again give in to the demands of a blackmailer, and was throwing a party rather than paying up. I loved Elizabeth, but I wanted very much to be free of the dungeon and certain death, and would have been happier if she'd paid the ransom. As we learned later, however, Ludwig had far more diabolical designs. Betray your Queen to me, he said to us, and I'll not kill you.
Melchett and I had had plenty of time to consider how we might respond to any number of eventualities, and we were prepared for even this. We gave Ludwig the information he thought he wanted, and within two days of his departure we had escaped and were on our way to Richmond to warn the Queen.
I took a man's horse right out from under him and was riding for all I was worth, which wasn't much. I'd been in the dungeon at what I now believe was Westminster for ten days, tortured and half-starved. And I was still recovering from the pistol-shot; still weak, and still in some pain. But I gave the horse its head and tore down the road, heedless of my own safety. At the place where the road turned west, about five miles from Westminster, the horse faltered. I only had time to notice a carriage coming down the road toward me when the horse stumbled to a halt and went down, carrying me with it.
After a few minutes I was able to get up. Nothing was broken, but I'd hurt my right shoulder, which was the one affected by my being shot just below the shoulder blade. I heard the carriage stop before I saw it, and heard a man demand of the driver why they had stopped.
"A rider's gone down on the road, Sir Walter."
Sir Walter? I turned and walked away from the dead horse. It was Mildmay's carriage, and he was staring out of the window in astonishment.
"Blackadder!" As I approached he looked me over with dismay; I was filthy, disheveled, and not hiding my pain very well. "Upon my word, man, I thought you were in Richmond!"
"I was," I said. "I need a horse, Sir Walter."
"What?"
But I was already cutting his lead right horse out of its harness. "I will repay you," I said, and mounted, gasping with the pain.
"Your crossbow!" I held out my hand to one of his men and was given the weapon, with six bolts in a small packet.
Mildmay called my name as I wheeled the horse to resume my urgent errand.
"For the Queen!" I yelled back, and I and Mildmay's horse thundered down the road to Richmond Castle.
I arrived considerably ahead of Melchett and was able to tell the Queen of Ludwig's plan to usurp the throne.
"If he succeeds, he will have all of Germany's political, financial and military power backing him up, madam. England will be lost."
"Then we have to stop him!" she said. Being queen meant she could say things and they would become truth. Sometimes she had to say them more than once, but they became truth nonetheless.
"Yes." I paced the floor and chewed a thumbnail. Of course Percy and I would be armed with sword and dagger, and there were the guards standing just outside the doors. Baldrick and the Queen would have daggers, but I didn't want her involved. And Melchett, so far as I knew, never went armed. As I was considering these things, Melchett entered closely followed by Baldrick, and gave me a nod as he took his place by the Queen's side.
"Melchett, we need a back-up plan in case Percy and I can't forestall the man."
Melchett clasped his hands in front of his robes and thought, looking around the room. Then his eyes lit on the dessert tray on the table against the wall.
"We could poison the pastries," he said.
"Not all of them, please. I've had experience with poison before, it's not pleasant." I examined the sweets on the tray. "Hmm . . . chocolate with coconut and almond frosting." I took that piece off and carried the tray around the court. The guards got biscuits. "Baldrick, you take a biscuit as well. Nursie, you look hungry, please take a piece of cake—take two. And for you, madam . . ." I had saved aside a small cherry tort in the shape of a heart, and handed it to her. Then I took the tray back to the dessert table and put the rather largish piece of chocolate cake in the center of it.
"This is very good, Edmund," the Queen said licking her fingers, "but do you have a plan?"
"Indeed, ma'am. Send a page to Marbeck for a strong, fast-acting poison. Ludwig won't be able to resist the chocolate cake with coconut and almond frosting." Of course, now it's called German's chocolate cake, and not without good reason.
"And now, madam, I must tell you Ludwig said that he would use a costume to get into the party. May I suggest another woman take your place, in costume, to remove you from danger."
"You mean some woman with a broad bottom dressed as my father and sitting on my throne, in my place?"
"It is an unpleasant thought, madam," Melchett said, "but consider the alternative."
"I have, and I'm not going anywhere. Besides, I will have my Lord Chamberlain, my Lords Blackadder and Percy—" She looked around for Percy, who was not there. "Is Lord Percy coming, Blackadder?"
"I assure you, madam, nothing could keep Percy from a fancy dress party."
"—and Blackadder's monkey, to protect me."
"Yes, your Majesty." Baldrick actually bowed.
"And me, my lambkin.I could stab him with my scissors."
"Yes, Nursie, you, too."
I stepped forward. "Is there no way I can dissuade you, Majesty?"
"No. I'm going to be right here, and we'll see this usurper caught, killed, drawn and quartered, beheaded, and his head put on a pike outside the palace gate!"
"Then tonight you must act as though you have not seen Melchett and I since we were captured. If you don't, Ludwig will know you are aware of his plot."
At that moment the page entered the room, bowed to the Queen, and brought a small vial to me. I turned the cake over and speared it with my dagger, then unstopped the bottle and dribbled its contents into the center of the cake. For good measure I sprinkled the last of it onto the frosting and stirred it in with my finger. It looked delicious.
Just as I was about to lick the frosting off my finger, Baldrick took a quick step forward and grabbed my hand, covering it with a surprisingly clean handkerchief.
"Please, my lord," he said quietly. "Remember last time."
Elizabeth looked at the watch on the jeweled band around her wrist, Dudley's gift from what seemed an eternity ago. "Well, everyone, I'm off to change. Meet you all back here in half an hour! Oh, but Blackadder, you and Melchett have no costumes!"
"It's alright, Majesty," Melchett said. "I don't believe Ludwig's going to expect us to be dressed up."
• • •
The party had officially begun, and two of the guests had not yet arrived. Their absence was unremarked; everyone was admiring the Queen's costume. She was wonderfully dressed as Henry VIII, and Nursie was dressed as a delightful black cow with white spots.
"Yo, ho, ho. Off with her head," the Queen intoned.
"Ma'am, it is brilliant," Percy gushed. "Your father is born again."
"Let's bally well hope not, or else I won't be queen anymore. Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?"
Percy was brightly clad in silk of many colors. "Nothing, ma'am. Just a mere trifle I threw together."
"Mmm, doesn't look much like a trifle." The Queen was still thinking about desserts. "Looks more like a fruit salad to me."
"I see Nursie has really excelled herself," Percy said graciously.
Nursie lifted her head and mooed. Her costume was truly astounding.
"Yes, she has. I'm not sure about this, though." She turned to Baldrick, who had a pencil up each nose. "What are you meant to be?"
"A pencil case."
"Oh, yes." The Queen gave Baldrick an odd look. "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
"How sweet," Percy said.
"If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is." Another glance at Baldrick. "How I do wish Edmund could be here. He always loved parties and always, always wore very, very tight tights."
Percy did not know of the daring escape, or of Ludwig's plan to crash the party, or of Blackadder and Melchett's plans to stop him taking the throne. It was just as well, as Percy might have blurted it out at the wrong moment and spoiled everything.
"Edmund who?"
As he spoke, the doors opened and Blackadder swept into the room.
"Edmund Blackadder." He slapped Percy on the back of the head and knelt before the Queen. "Majesty!"
"Edmund! But . . ."
Blackadder rose. "Did you ever know me to miss a party?"
She smiled, beaming at him., then wrinkled her nose. "Oooh! But what about Lord Melchett?"
"Yes," Blackadder said. "Unfortunately, he made it too."
Melchett took his cue and came striding in, bowing before the Queen.
"Rapture! Joy beyond measure! Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers!"
Blackadder rolled his eyes; trust Melchett to overplay his part. "Baaa," he said quietly.
"Sorry, Edmund?" the Queen asked.
"Nothing." But it had shut Melchett up.
"Yes," she continued. "Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't housetrained. Your friend's still unemployed. And Nursie's one stick short of a bundle."
"Moo!" Nursie said.
Blackadder barely gave Nursie a glance. "Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me." And he drew his sword and thrust Nursie through.
Elizabeth was beside herself. "Nursie! You've killed Nursie! That's horrid! Guards, guards! Take him away and execute him. He's killed Nursie!"
Before the guards could step away from their stations at the doors, Nursie entered and stopped just inside the doorway. She was wearing an absurdly bad cow costume, with multiple udders, which she held up with both hands.
"Can anyone help me with my udders?"
"Nursie!" The Queen was stunned.
"Yes?" Nursie said.
"Yes!" Blackadder said, and strode to the chair at Elizabeth's left hand. "And may I introduce our erstwhile captor . . . Prince Ludwig the Indestructible." He tore off the head of the cow costume to reveal the dying Ludwig.
It turned out she, along with Blackadder and Melchett, had met Ludwig before as well. In her case, he was the stable boy who held her pony for her.
"No! You?! Shorty Greasy Spot Spot?" For that had been his nickname.
"No, no, no!" He rose from Nursie's chair. "You will regret the day you ever mocked my complexion. I will return and wreak my rewenge!" And he rushed out of the room and into the corridor. But Blackadder was prepared even for that eventuality. He picked up the crossbow he had taken from one of Mildmay's men.
"No you won't," he said, and let loose the bolt. "You will die and be buried."
"Strange man," he remarked as everyone cheered.
"But how did you know it was him?" Elizabeth asked.
"This was the information with which we bought our lives," Blackadder explained. "We told him that if the queen was having a party, then Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return and kill the cow."
"But how could you be sure it wasn't Nursie?"
"Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation. All I had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow. That was the mistake I knew that Ludwig would make. His disguise was too good."
"Gosh, Edmund, how brilliant! Welcome home."
He was having difficulty staying upright, but he never missed a beat. "Well, I must say, ma'am, it is good to be back."
Percy, colorful silk fluttering as he crossed to Blackadder, said, "Welcome, Edmund. Did you . . . miss me?"
"I certainly did. Many was the time Percy, I said to myself, I wish Percy was here . . ."
Edmund winced slightly as Percy wrapped him in a hug—the shoulder, the back. " . . . being tortured instead of me."
"How we have missed your wit!" Poor Percy, oblivious.
Baldrick had to joke. "Did you miss me, my lord?"
And Blackadder gave it back to him. "Ahm . . . Baldrick, isn't it?"
"That's right."
"No, not really."
Then Elizabeth spoke. "And me, did you miss me, Edmund?"
He stood as straight before her as he could. "Madam, life without you was like . . . a broken pencil."
"Explain."
"Pointless."
Night had fallen. Tapers were lit and set in front of gold and silver plates along the walls to provide light and the Privy Chamber, only an hour ago the scene of conflict, became a cozy room illuminated with golden light. Blackadder, clearly reaching the end of his endurance, was given a chair. As he sat, Baldrick moved to stand behind him. And as tired as Blackadder was, and in his weakened state, he was strangely comforted to know his old friend was guarding his back. It meant he could relax his guard just the tiniest bit.
The guards returned shortly to report they'd taken up Ludwig's body and carried it to the dungeon. Elizabeth was pleased. "Good! Tomorrow you can cut off his head and put it up on a pike with a sign saying, This is done to all who attempt the Queen's life."
Blackadder smiled. Then he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned just in time to see Percy picking up the piece of chocolate cake. In two bounding steps he had reached him and taken the cake from his hand.
"Percy, what are you doing?"
"Well, I thought you wouldn't mind," Percy said, hurt.
"Normally I wouldn't, except this cake has been poisoned." Blackadder set the cake back on the plate and carefully brushed his fingers on his hose.
"I know!" Elizabeth said. "I'll write a note and we'll put it on the cake so no one will eat it. Melchy, give me a pencil and paper." She leaned over and wrote, speaking as she did so. "Do not eat the cake: it is poisoned. Here, Percy, put it beside the cake."
Blackadder waited until Percy had done as instructed and then returned to his chair.
"Edmund, this party was for you, you know, to celebrate your having saved my life. Anyway, I feel just awful about how it worked out, with me thinking you'd killed Nursie and yelling at you."
He started to get out of his chair, intending to bow.
"Oh, stay put, Edmund! Because you and Melchett saved my life tonight instead of getting your party, we'll have a scrumptious supper tomorrow in the Privy Garden, just you and me and Melchett and Nursie and Percy . . ." She looked at the man standing behind him. "And Baldrick."
He was mildly surprised; he couldn't recall her addressing his servant by name.
He came to a short time later with the realization he'd been nodding, and stood. "Madam, I beg to be excused. It's been a rather long day . . ."
"Of course you may go! And don't forget, we'll meet right here, just our small group. Six o'clock, as always."
"Madam." Blackadder bowed, and left with Baldrick.
The Queen jumped up and down in her throne, suddenly excited. "Let's do something to distract Edmund from his troubles."
"That's a wonderful idea, poppet. What shall we do?"
"I know! We could get one of my maidens of honor to dress up like me, and I'll watch from the spy hole to see how long it takes Edmund to realize it's not me, and when he does, I'll come out and give him a prize!"
And she knew exactly what the prize would be. She had been going to ask him the question nearly two weeks ago, before he and Melchett had been so rudely carried off by Ludwig and his man. But of course that hadn't worked out, and then she had been going to ask him tonight, and Ludwig had crashed the party. But tomorrow—tomorrow, she would ask him.
Then Melchett spoke. "It does sound like an amusing distraction, ma'am, but surely he will know it is not you when he gets close."
"No, because we'll only have half the candles lighted, so it will be rather dark. And I'll have Carolyn take my place. She looks almost exactly like me, except her nose isn't as pretty. Which is really good, or I'd have to have it cut off."
• • •
The following evening, the Privy Chamber was prepared for the deception. There were extra candles in front of gold and silver plates arranged most cunningly against the walls, so that the light would shine in the eyes of anyone looking toward the throne at the end of the room. The tall candle stands which stood to either side of the throne were unlit, throwing the throne itself into shadow.
The small party milled about in the room, waiting for Elizabeth to appear. Nursie looked strangely lost without her ever-present handwork, although her sewing basket stood nearby. On the other side of Melchett stood Blackadder in an unusual white linen shirt under his doublet, the only visible sign of the last two week's trials a slight darkness beneath his eyes, accentuated by the paleness of his skin. Across from him stood Percy, trying unsuccessfully to hide his excitement at actually being present at a private supper with the Queen. And as promised Baldrick was there, completing the group.
Melchett, his normally sad eyes almost smiling, turned to Blackadder and said quietly, "A most unusual thing has happened, Blackadder."
"Indeed? Has Lord Dudley repented of his sins and decided to become a monk?"
"No, he hasn't. But Marbeck told me earlier that the body of that German, Ludwig, was stolen out of his morgue early this morning."
"Probably medical students needing a body to dissect." The idea bothered Blackadder slightly; still, he understood the need to gain knowledge. "Now if we could just get Dudley to swear off worldly goods and ambitions and enter a monastery, my day would be complete."
Trumpets began to herald the passage of their sovereign through the corridors of the palace. They all turned toward the door and Blackadder stood even straighter.
The door at the side of the chamber opened and the Gentleman Usher stepped just inside. "Her Majesty the Queen," he said, and stepped back out. The Queen then entered the room, gliding up to the throne
Melchett cleared his throat. "Let's pray before we go into the garden, shall we?" They all closed their eyes and bowed their heads. Footsteps interrupted the stillness, then a swish of silks and an exclamation, suddenly cut off.
Blackadder looked up and opened his eyes. The Queen had slumped to the floor, the side of her gown stained red. And yet another queen stood over her, wielding a bloody dagger. He was puzzled only for a split second, then he understood.
"Now, Edmund," the standing queen said. "It's a trick. You must guess which one of us is the Queen!"
"My guess is you're Ludwig." Blackadder walked to the double doors and closed them, then grabbed an ornately carved chair from the wall and jammed the back beneath the door handles.
"Come back to finish what you've started?" He walked slowly back to the dessert table and leaned against it. As he talked he furtively took the paper from the cake plate. Crumpling it in his hand, he let it fall to the floor behind him. His heart ached for the Queen, but there was nothing to be done for her now. He only hoped to prevent any further damage.
"Melchett, Nursie," he said. "Get out. He doesn't want you."
"Oh, but that is vhere you are wrong, Blackadder," Ludwig said, dropping the English accent. "I do vant them. No vun must surwife to betray my place here."
"You won't let them go, then?"
"No, effryvun must die. Especially you. Ve are alike, you and I. You must die—my first attempt, at Apethorpe, failed."
"That was you behind the arras, then?"
"Yes!" Ludwig chuckled. "Quite clever, vasn't I? But especially you cannot surwife to challenge me in my quest to rule ze verld. My sincerest aple-ogees."
"Very well." Blackadder crossed to the already closed side door and jammed another chair beneath its handle. As he turned, he drew his sword and engaged the German.
In a fight between one man armed with a rapier and one armed with a dagger, the man armed with the rapier has a far longer reach and should win. Blackadder was highly skilled but he was also tired, and his shoulder slowed him down. Ludwig may have been half mad, but he was amazingly quick. On the third engagement, he spun inside Blackadder's guard and buried his dagger up to the hilt in Blackadder's chest.
Blackadder fell to his knees, a look of surprise on his features. "Not again."
Ludwig pulled his dagger from Blackadder and pushed him over with his foot.
As Edmund lay on the floor, he could hear blade-work through the sound of his pulse pounding in his ears. Percy, he thought. Percy wasn't bad, actually. But Ludwig was mad, and mad beats not bad any day.
Melchett suddenly appeared above him. "Blackadder, my friend, I'm so sorry."
Edmund wanted to tell him it was alright, that he understood, but Melchett was suddenly pulled away from him and almost immediately afterwards hit the floor. Baldrick somewhere in there, and Nursie cursing like a sailor, probably charging the man with her scissors. Soon all was quiet. He turned his head, looking for his Queen.
But all is not as it seems . . . I know it isn't fair to leave you with this cliffy, but I couldn't resist!
Ludwig the Indestructable pronounces apologies as apple-ogees, with a hard G.
Trust me, it is nowhere near over! Well, it is over, but not like we think. Please leave reviews with constructive criticism; I love them as they help me know whether or not I am doing well. :-)