You and Me: Chapter 13
"Just aren't coming out right"

I knocked on Bella's door the next morning, surprised that I was up before her. For the past few practice days she had been the first one down stairs with breakfast on the table. Not that I was complaining, but I didn't think I should get too comfortable with her waiting on us like that. I didn't want her to feel like that was all she was here for.

…I knocked on the door a second time, "Bella?" I was met by silence. Maybe she was still sleeping? Bella was a pretty light sleeper though; even small shuffling woke her up. I knocked a third time, getting a bit worried. She's probably in the shower.

After the fourth try I opened up the door and let myself in, shielding my eyes in case she was indecent. Ugh indecent, what am I, an old man?

"Bella," I tried again. There was no water running, and there was complete silence. I was starting to think she wasn't even in the room until I rounded the corner and saw her sitting on the floor, facing the chase in front of her. As if she had only now heard me, she turned her head in my direction. I was met with her vacant gaze.

Over the last few days Bella had seemed to be breaking out of her shell. Of course there were moments that she became deathly silent and seemed to be in deep thought, but we expected that of her. Grief didn't pass within a few days, but we thought that interaction with us was helping her cope with it. Her vacant expression as she sat on the carpet did little to assure me that we were helping at all.

I sat down on the ground next to her, "Good Morning."

She stared at me a few moments before answering in a small whisper, "Morning."

"Did you sleep well," I tried.

She shook her head, "No.

To say that I was at a complete loss as to what to do was a complete understatement. As we stared at the drawers in front of us, I wondered what she was thinking. I also wondered if there was a limit as to how much emotional pain a person could take before passing out, just like physical pain. What could I do to help her?

I remember the first day that Tanya was gone. The pain of her leaving us has dwindled into pure resentment by now, but at times when I looked at Auden, I felt the ambush of emotions pushing me over. I sat inside my room, selfishly blocking myself off from everyone including Auden. A few hours later, after picking my lock, Alice had managed to break into my room. The most memorable moment, was when she took my hand into hers and just stayed there with me. I was about to do this when Bella suddenly shifted.

Tears streaked her blotchy cheeks as she lay her head down in my lap. Now what did I do? Scratch her head like I did for Auden?

"I-I don't know what to do," I admitted to her.

I felt her fragile hand pull at my arms gently as she wrapped them around her. I could feel the outline of her face against my arms; her small nose, her long eyelashes and her plump lips were against my forearms.

I felt her lips move as she told me the most obvious thing, "Just hold me."

...

"Ready to run again Bella," I asked. About two hours into practice and we still were at a loss as to how to fit Bella into the song. We had to do something complimenting to her voice and something that she was comfortable with. It didn't help that Bella wasn't herself.

She nodded as she pulled at her hair frustrated, "I'll try the note again. I'll hit it."

"We'll just take it from the last few measures," I said. Hopefully it will go well this time.

Emmett gave us four beats for intro and at the cue I began singing.

"The neighbors said she moved away,

Funny how it rained all day,"

Bella joined in, "I didn't think much of it then, but it's starting to all make sense…"

"Oh I can see now, that all of these clouds, are,"

"Following me in my desperate endeavor…"

"To find my whoever, "

"Whomever she may be…"

I began singing the next part, keeping an eye on Bella as she waited for her part. She looked like she was concentrating deeply on preparing herself. I needed to remind her not to pressure herself so much.

Her voice cracked slightly on the high note as she pushed her voice. She wasn't even three words into the next line before she stepped away from the microphone.

"I'm screaming," she kicked the chair in front of her, "I'm flipping screaming. I can't do this. I'm not good enough."

"Hey," Jasper called from his position, "don't ever say that. We wouldn't have brought you here if we didn't think you are good enough. Have some confidence."

"How am I supposed to do this when I can't hit the note," she sat on the ground and took a long gulp of water. "What if I can't get it in time? Maybe you guys should do this without me."

I shook my head, "We're not going on without you. We're a band now. You're in this band."

She put her forehead to her knees, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to turn this into a self pity party. This is just so…discouraging."

"Bella," Emmett called from the drums, "get your ass up."

"What?" she lifted up her head. Even I had to look at Emmett.

"Get your ass up, now." He said. Bella stood up.

"Go over to the microphone and get ready," he told her, "we're trying again."

"But-"

"I don't want to hear it," Emmett said firmly, "if you feel stressed, you take ten seconds after we've stopped and recollect yourself. Then you try again."

Bella nodded before positioning herself in front of the microphone. I wondered if Emmett had been too harsh, but maybe it was what she needed instead of our constant comfort.

"I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt,

Now the rain is just, washing you out of my hair…"

"Well out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world,

So many thousands of feet off the ground,

I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds,

Towering over your head,

There was a silence as Bella took her ten seconds to get herself calm, "Advice?"

To say that I was surprised was a slight understatement. Based on Bella's previous reactions to how she sang the song, I was expecting another breakdown, but again, she never failed to shock me.

"Take a bigger breath before starting," Jasper instructed.

"Round off your consonants and vowels too," I offered, "Helps me."

She nodded, "Are we going again?"

"I say we have Emmett time," Emmett cheered from the back. His boisterous personality completely contrasted the stern voice he'd used earlier with Bella. Even though I was his brother, I still hadn't figured out the enigma that was Emmett.

Bella's Point of View

While Edward and Jasper were concerning themselves with their instruments, Emmett led me by the hand outside. His worried look was adorable as he scratched his head, "You're not angry with me are you?"

"Why would I be," I squeezed his hand, "You helped me. I needed it –it's just so hard, Emmett, to be with you professionals, and I am such an amateur. It's like I'm holding you back?"

"Of course you're not as professional as we are, Bells," Emmett laughed, "You just came into the band. We were prepared for this. Why do you think we started working earlier? Can you imagine how horrible we sounded in the beginning when we were all amateurs? We nearly got fired."

I actually laughed, "Thanks…so are we on for drum lessons?"

"I was actually thinking we could have jam time today," he said, "Normally Edward would sing, but I think you should today."

I scoffed as we walked back into the band room, "Are you sure you haven't heard enough of my singing?"

"No," he said and then winked, "I've heard enough of Edward's singing."

"Someone looks a bit cheerier," Jasper smiled, "What did Emmett do?"

"Inspirational talk, you Cullen's are pretty good at it," I joked, "I've been told that we're going to jam."

"Bella's singing," Emmett said as he got to the drums. "And she's picking the song."

I am? I racked my brain quickly to try and find a song that I wanted to sing.

"I don't know," I admitted, "Maybe Edward should sing."

"No," Edward shook his head, "pick what you feel. Music is a form of expression."

I smiled as I told them the song, "Do you know it?"

"It's one of the first songs I learned," Jasper nodded. "Emmett?"

"Edward did you want to sing with me," I asked him.

He shook his head, "I'll pick up on guitar and back you. Go ahead."

1, 2, 3

The intro notes helped me to zone in. Edward had reminded me that music was a form of expressing myself, and that was something that I had intended to do. Sometimes feelings could be so overwhelming, and so crippling that there weren't words to really express them adequately. Somehow adding instrumentals to the words helped to clarify. If I wanted to share with them what was broiling inside of me then this was the way. Music was a way to do it, using the lyrics as a portal to my feelings.

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

But under the pressure of walking in your shoes

"Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow"

Edward filled in for me. Our words overlapped and meshed. The whisper of his breath and the loudness of my voice created a sound I thought was addictive

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you,"

I always used to make fun of the musicians that would make motions as they sang. But now I understood what it was about. I felt the words, imitating the lyrics I'd just sang…smothering me and holding me too tightly. My hands worked on their own accord, motioning how suffocated I felt by my life and how I had fallen apart in front of everyone…in front of myself.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there…Become so tired so much more aware

Edward sang the bridge with me, my harmony complimenting his melody. I could feel my microphone chord dragging as I met him in the middle, and we sang the words relative to our lives.

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be."

There was a silence that remained after the song that was unnerving, but at the same time comfortable. It wasn't until Emmett had struck up the starting four counts on the drum that I realized that he had planned this all along. I entered in the song, and hit the high notes in the way I had failed to before. Granted it still felt strained, but I knew that it was a vast improvement from before.

Before I could face the criticism, I took Emmett's advice and counted to ten, "Advice?"

"No," Edward shook his head, "That was perfect."

Thanks for reading!

~Christie Hart