It's been some time since Kiba and I called it quits, half a year now. When I'm with Naoto my mind never crosses to Kiba. It never crosses to pain, and it always crosses to joy. Maybe there's been enough time away from any relationship that this could work. Maybe it's time to allow myself to get into a relationship again, to risk the pain, and to risk the chance of getting hurt again. Kiba has moved on, so why not me? If I were to risk anything, it would be on Naoto. I'm willing to risk everything in fact, because I feel that maybe, just maybe, Naoto can return me to my former self. And maybe things don't, or rather won't, turn out the way it has before.
As I enter the apartment everything is quite, Kakashi seems not to even be here. I continue down the hallway to my room. That is where Kakashi hid himself with his arms crossed, leaning against the door. Blocking the way into my room, I have to confront him.
"You we're out late."
"Its 10:00 pm. That's pretty early compared to other people of my age."
"You didn't….do anything…right?"
"NO! And I don't plan too!"
"Fine."
"By the way," I say as he walks through the hallway to the kitchen "you're acting like a protective big brother."
"Well someone has to."
"Thanks again Kakashi, for everything you've done for me."
"Don't mention it." He waves it off, "Sleep well." I turn and walk into my room. I quickly change into very warm PJ's.
There is still a little over a month left of summer. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. I guess the saying is true; time fly's when you're having a good time. But not everything is good. Of course nothing can ever be perfect, but at the same time even when things are good, they're bad. It's not Naoto's fault or anything; I would never blame it on him. Lately things have been different. I don't know why or even how, but things have changed; I don't like that. I don't like change because I like having a constant; being able to know that everything will work out just fine at the end of the day. Lately there has been no constant. Everything in my little world is beginning to crumble. My relationship with my parent's for starts and now my sister. We used to be so close, yet she never sends me any mail or tries to call. Maybe it's the distance that's doing this, maybe it's my parents, or maybe I'm just not as important to her as I thought I was. It just seems lately like everything I once knew isn't even real, like it was some type of dream or alternate reality. I have to say that it really hurts. I try my best to stay in contact, but I can only do so much. If I'm the only one trying to keep this family connected, then it's bound to fall apart. A family stayed together through their relationships and their ties, but we don't seem to have any. Maybe it's my fault that this happened. If only I hadn't gotten the way I did I would still be at my old school, my parents would still love me and I would have never gotten into this mess with Kiba in the first place. Maybe I'm the one at fault for letting little things get to me.
I just don't want to have to deal with it all. It's stressing and difficult; I just want things to go back to the way they were. But that will never happen, and it's because nothing from the past can be a part of the future. The people perhaps, but even then they aren't the same, because people change. Why can't things be happy? Why can't people just leave me alone and not butt into business that isn't their own? Why do they feel a need to spread rumors? Most of all, why are people so cruel? Suddenly my phone rings, I glance at the screen, looking to see whose calling. Only I forgot that I don't have caller ID anymore (parents promptly stopped paying all expenses) so everyone comes up as "unknown caller" I pick up the phone and stare at it for a while, I press answer.
"Hello?" I ask, the tiredness from the day finally getting to me.
"Kanae," the sound of this person's voice makes me freeze "such long time."
"What the hell do you want?" I ask defensively.
"Now, now Kanae, we must have patience. All good things come to those who wait."
"How the hell did you get my number?"
"Shh, little one, secrets could be spread." My heart begins to pound hard in fear. How did he get my number? Who gave it to him and why? "Tick tock, tick tock, I see Kanae dead on a block." I hang up quickly. I stare at my phone in complete horror for a minute. I swallow hard before my voice screams in fear, for someone, anyone to come and help. Again and again my voice screams, unable to stop myself I throw my phone to the corner of my room. Swaying forwards and backwards in an attempt to calm myself down, tears being to stream down my face. Kakashi opens the door in haste.
"What's wrong?!" He sounds worried, but I can't force myself to look up. I shake my head as I continue to sway. "Kanae what's wrong?!" He says again, this time more demanding.
"H-h-h-he" was all I could manage as I pointed to my phone.
"Who? Naoto?" I shake my head no, "Who then?"
"H-h-h-he f-found... I-I'm scared Kakashi, s-scared for m-my l-life."
"Who was it?!" He says one final time in anger.
"No, no, no, no, I can't, no." I sway constantly as a means to calm myself down. "Tick tock, tick tock, I see Kanae dead on a block" I repeat in the same rhyming rhythm he had used over the phone "Tick tock, tick tock, I see Kanae dead on a block"
After a great many times of Kakashi insisting I tell him who it was, I finally found myself spitting out the name. Kakashi called Kiba to come over after he, nor Naoto could calm me down. Naoto being forced to leave after his mother called furious that he wasn't home to spend time with his visiting grandmother. I had told him not to tell her, and that it was okay to go. But even now as we wait for Kiba to arrive, I still haven't stopped the yelling. Angering may neighbours; I know this from the pounding on the walls and the occasional knocking on the door. Only after Kakashi spoke to them did they return to their apartments quietly. My screaming has diminished, but the fear still surges through my veins, keeping me swaying back and forth like someone who should be in an insane institution. Frantic knocking beings at Kakashi's door, he rushes to open it. The next thing I know, I see Kiba at my door way, looking at me. My eyes begin to fill again as I bury it in my knees. One thing I hate most is showing that I'm weak, especially in front of my friends. I always want to be the strong one that others can rely on. So in retrospect I should always have things together. Keeping things in for such a long amount of time is difficult, and sooner or later you break. I'm always trying not too though. It's hard, because I feel like I can't tell anyone else what's happening with me, because I'm supposed to be the one who's there or them. Not burden them with my problems and my complaints.
Kiba walks up to me in caution. Halting mid-way between my door and my bed, turning around and asking Kakashi to leave, he nods and leaves, closing the door behind him. I hear Kiba's footsteps as the draw near. Having a girl crying in hysterics is something I'm sure he has never experienced. Right now that seems to be the only thing I can do though. The sheer horror that one call implement in me is so overwhelming, that crying seems to be the only thing I can do. Kiba sits down on the bed next to me. For a moment he just sits there, then his arms reach for me, I brush them off. He tries again, and again I brush them off. I'm not doing this intentionally. I just feel really dirty, in a very sick kind of way. I feel disgusted with myself, and I can't imagine anyone wanting to be by me at all. But Kiba doesn't give up. Finally he wraps his arms around me, bringing me into a hug the halts my swaying motion. No matter how much I thrash around, Kiba refused to let go.
"I'm scared." I whisper into his chest, "I'm so scared Kiba." If Fuji knew anything about any of this, it would just make it so much worse when school starts back up again.
"It's okay. Everything will be okay; I won't let anything happen to you." He kisses my head gently in comfort. I want to believe Kiba's words, I really do, but he can't possibly guarantee something like that.
"No it won't." my screams of terror no longer sound, but my tears increase with great amounts.
"Shh, shh." Kiba soothes. Slowly my tears lessen. Still there, but my breathing soon becomes more controlled as I begin to calm down.
"I'm sorry Kiba. I'm so sorry!" I find myself apologizing.
"It's okay, you don't need to apologize, there's nothing to apologize for. It isn't your fault."
"Yes it is!" I say harshly.
"No it's not." Kiba says gently. "I don't blame you, no one does."
"But you should…"
"Why do you say that?" I look up at him and he looks at me so caringly.
"Do you remember that friend that I told you about?...that one that died?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"There was something I didn't tell you about that." Kiba's arms that are wrapped around my arms loosen. "I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid of what you would think. I was just afraid to say it. It isn't something I would tell anyone. But now, after this…" I take a deep breath "I think it's about time that I tell someone."
"What happened?" Kiba asked.
"We were out at a party. They began to do things we didn't really feel comfortable being around, like drugs and alcohol so we left. It was late at night and we couldn't get a hold of our parents so we decided to walk home. It was dark out and we were alone. We walked as quickly as we could, but it wasn't fast enough. Out of the shadows came a man, he was a creepy man. As we walked faster, so did he. We knew something was wrong, so we ran. Running was a mistake. He had another person waiting for us around the corner; we were caught in a trap. She was grabbed by the man that was following us, I was grabbed by his partner. I have always been a bit of a rebel, so I learnt how to fight. I got away and ran for my life, as I ran away I tripped. One of them said 'one day when you think all is safe and forgotten, we'll come and find you and you will be sorry that you ran' I got up and sprinted away, yelling I'm sorry over and over again, hoping that she could hear me. I opened my mouth to scream for help, but no sound escaped. My greatest fear was reality. I could hear her screams; she called my name, asked me not to leave her, asked me to help. I didn't go back, I didn't help, I ran and I ran until I found a house far enough away that I would be safe. I franticly rang the doorbell. I didn't think anyone would come. A lady who was half asleep came down; she began to scold me, telling me that she didn't want to deal with my teenage hoaxes at such ungodly hour. I look up to her, crying. I begged her to listen. She immediately let me in, I told her about my friend, that I didn't have a phone and she needed to call the police. The police came too late. She was already dead. Her body was cut up, she was almost unidentifiable. All of her personal belongings were gone; they couldn't find any fingerprints or DNA. They were extremely careful. But I saw them; I saw them in the dark of the night. Their faces were hidden by the shadows, their voices muffled by the masks held to their face. The police interrogated me, they asked me questions, and they promised protection. But protection against something like that is impossible. The first year I was moved from house to house, they called them safe houses. My parent grew tired of the moving, grew tired of everything. They stopped the safe housing, I went back to my school, my life, and so it seemed, began to begin again. But it never did, it never could. The bullying began and I began to forget. I began to forget about the friend I left to die for my own safety. What kind of person does that make me? I left without even looking back. And now that my life has finally began to become normal again, I began to feel safe and I began to forget. That was when you messed it all up, I became a part of the public eye, it was a reminder to them that they still had unfinished business. I forgot in the end, I felt safe in the end, and that was my fault. So now it's his turn to come and get me, now it's my turn to know how it feels to have no one there while I am killed the same way she was. It's my turn. I knew that one day it would come; I just hoped I would have been able to live a little more. I hoped that I would have been able to have a well-paying job, have a family, and hell maybe even some little brats. But that can't happen anymore, he found me. Not only that, he found my number and he's threatened me himself, with the same muffed voice from that night a few years ago." Retelling that story is so difficult, trying to hold back the fear, the sadness and the grief. I don't want the people around me to get hurt; I don't want them to be caught up in this mess. Kiba stays silent next to me, not saying a word as he continues to comfort me. I close my eyes in an attempt to calm down, I didn't realize how tired I actually am until after my eyes were closed, and I quickly fall asleep with wet eyes.
The streets are dark, with only the dim flickering light up ahead. I don't know why I decided this path; I guess I didn't really consider a whole lot. I don't like dark streets, especially at night. These are the kinds of situations that you see in movies, when people slime through the shadows. I thought on a whim and that could potentially be a very wrong decision indeed. The small street is completely silent, with everyone tucked away in their beds, making the streets bare as can be. Every little noise comes to my attention, the rustling of a cat in a garbage bag, the sound of the wind as it glides through the chimes on the shops veranda. Even the sounds that my footsteps make seem to cause alarm. I pick up the pace; all these surrounding sounds cannot be forgotten soon enough. I hear a sound unlike all the others before, someone else's footsteps. I turn around but see no one. I continue at my fastened pace, but as my back is turned those very same loud pounding footsteps sound, I run, without even a glance behind me. I knew this was a bad idea, it always is, why did I even do such a thing? This is so stupid of me! I turn, I see the face. The same face I saw years ago. I should have known better as to not be alone, to not go down an abandoned street. I trip over a beer bottle thrown on the ground, giving just enough time for my assailant to catch up to me. With his same crooked smile he says to me quietly
"A time so sweet as this as to meet our little burnt pastry, time to be thrown into the garbage with that sweet little macaroon friend of yours. After all, what kind of a man would I be if I didn't keep my promise?"
I opened my mouth out to lash out in cries of terror, but no sound escaped, just like it had happened before it'll happen again. My absolute fear other than death, the fear that I can't even utter a sound when something horrible is happening to me. I couldn't cry out for any friend, for anyone, because no one was there, and I doubt anyone would come. Not because I have no one, I obviously have people around me, people I'm absolutely grateful for, but in the end, everyone only looks out for themselves in extreme situations, they wouldn't dare risk their safety for the chance of mine. Just like I hadn't, and I feel extremely guilty because of it.
"Kanae wake up!" I hear faintly. Again the same words sounds "Kanae wake up! It's okay, you're okay!" My eyes flash open, a dream; it was all a dream, thank god! My lungs sound out in terror. "Kanae, you're okay! Calm down, you're safe." Kiba tries to soothe me; he handles my outburst well and calms me down. "What happened? You were screaming in your sleep."
"I…I don't want to say." The tears sting my mind.
"Okay, then you don't need to tell me. But I'm here if you need me. Try to go back to sleep, okay?" He rests his head back onto the pillow "Come here; try to sleep, 'kay?" I lay my head back down onto the pillow, with Kiba's arms wrapped around me in comfort, pulling me close to his body. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck as he breathes in and out, going back into his state of controlled comatose. My heart still races, making it difficult for me to fall back to sleep easily, my eyes fix onto the wall standing silent in front of me. The wall soon blurs as I whisper to him "I'm scared." So quietly that he doesn't even hear, to be truthful I don't really think I even wanted him to hear that. I've always been the strong one; I've always been that friend who is there for anyone at any time, who always has things under control. That's really the only person I know how to be, the one who puts on a mask to hide her true identity, hoping that people will fall in love with the mask, and not the person behind it. It's extremely difficult, and I honestly don't want to be carrying that mask alongside me anymore, but that's impossible. It's impossible because I've hid behind this mask for so long it feels as if it's now plastered on, not able to be removed, only in the dead of night and in silence and isolation can it be removed.
A mask is dangerous, it can help you in times of need; however it carries with it a dangerous drug. A need and a desire for a mask to be worn in order to conceal your true self from others in fear of being judged, it becomes a part of who you actually are, and you being to feel as though you no longer possess what you once had. The mask we all hide behind isn't going to make our problems go away; they only hide them from everyone else. There are times when you need to show others your true self, times where you will need their help, but they can only help you if you let them see who you are. For me all of this is a scary thought, I don't like people knowing about my past, or even my present. I feel very uncomfortable when people try to pry into my personal life. I'm accustom to keeping myself in a bubble, away from everything and away from everyone's prying eyes. In a time like this I should easily open up, tell them everything I know, everything that has happened, but somehow doing that is too difficult. I would rather risk my life in order to protect them from the truth that follows me like a contaminated dark river thrashing onto the sides of the riverbed. Once that river has finished washing away the edge which holds all that is bad, then it is there where the treasure lies, the treasures of family and my true self, my true identity but more importantly it is there where I open up and let everything good pour out, and this once blackened river becomes crisp and clean.
I've been going through some tough times recently with my self-image and confidence in my work, in my writing and with people at school. Truthfully that's why it's taken me so long to update, not because I'm lazy or have writers block, but it's because I doubt my abilities and I don't want to disappoint you guys. But I realize by not updating maybe that's exactly what I'm doing, disappointing you. So I apologize for everything, for the mistakes and the material that is written poorly. I am truthfully sorry that it has taken me so long. I just look at the document and try to write but I just end up closing it, doing something else. It's just been really difficult for me recently in many aspects so thank you all for your continuous support, when I look back at the reviews and it makes me so happy that people actually enjoy and like my stories. I would continue writing a story even if only one person liked it. You have no idea the impact that your reviews have on me. So I just want to thank you all, 'cause without you I don't think I could get through this as well as I have. So thanks and I apologize for the short length of the chapter, because of my insecurities I found myself writing less. I promise for the next chapter that I will write the same length that I normally do.