The Ninja All Stars Tournament Chapter 13, a naruto fanfic

AN- WELL WELL WELL WELL...WELL.

I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHERE THE HELL WE HAVE BEEN HUH?

AND I ALSO BET YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THE HELL WE KNOW YOU WERE WONDERING WHERE THE HELL WE HAVE BEEN?

WELL THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE, WE'RE BACK!

WITH A VENGEANCE!

PS: CHECK OUT BOTH OF OUR OTHER FICS IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.

THE PEOPLE SPARED BY OROCHIMARU'S TACKLE ARE:

blazingreaper

The Shadow of a Dead Reaper

Blood of the Foxes

Echo Uchiha

Dcfan100

lightningblade49

Yuti-Chan

NeoShadows

Dazza-96

Lady Crack

CreCre

Danasca

amaranteotaku

Fred Ain't Dead D

Katsumi Hatake

10tailedmonster

EziShy

tsunahimechan17

Joki

The Blood Red Rose

ade

N.V.9

HypnoticFlames

Selkadoom13

darkchain zangetsu

Chapter 13

There was a girlish giggle followed by a manly chuckle. "Ehehehehehe, oh Madara-sama, what if someone sees us? This change room is so out in the open, anyone could walk in on us at any second…"

"Then let them… They will be educated by the sweet, sweet, yet rough and powerful love that we are about to make! In fact all the world should see this. Hanabi and Konohamaru! Get here with that camera!"

Tsunade bit her lip, "Oh I love how you take charge like that."

"I know babe, I know. Now let's get down to it."

"The moment I've been waiting for… all my life…" Tsunade gushed, "Can I see your handsome face?"

"I am handsome no doubt about that but I want my face to remain a mystery… but feast your eyes on this!" Madara said as he dropped his pants.

Tsunade let out an excited squeal, "Madara-sama, I must have you now! Don't keep me waiting!"

"Get ready my love, for the best ride of your life!"

"Oh yes! Oh Madara-sama!"

"Tsunade baby!"

Suddenly, Madara felt a mind-numbing pain in his nether regions, stars swam before his eyes and he was on his knees in the football stadium. His fantasy was shattered by some fool who had thrown the football right into his groin!

"Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu-!" Madara gasped.

"Ooops," Tayuya said, not looking fazed at all.

Madara, in rage over his interrupted hourly Tsunade fantasy and his painful nuts, threw the football so hard back onto the field that it hit Deidara in the back of the head causing him to fall face down into the grass. Asuma nearly trample him as he lunged for the ball and tossed it to Yamato who ran and passed it to Matsuri who dropped it when she saw Darui heading her way.

Darui was then viciously tackled by Hidan. "Whoohooo! Kick some Epic Team ass!" Naruto screamed.

The air in the football stadium was electrifying and it had less to do with the excitement and atmosphere of the game and more to do with the fact that Kakashi had just hit Hidan with a raikiri in order to gain possession of the ball. "Oh fuck! Oh Lord Jashin!" Hidan yelled lying on the ground, "Whooooop! I want to feel that in my veins AGAIN!"

"That shocked him, but it certainly won't stop him!" Kisame said, as Hidan got up and chased after Kakashi.

"I've always admired Hidan-kun's high pain threshold…it makes me want to do a little experimentation on him…if you know what I mean," Orochimaru said, with an excited gleam in his serpent-like eyes.

"I don't want to know what you mean." Said Kisame.

"I think that idea alone would be enough to scare even the Jashinist," Jiraiya said wearily.

Kakashi passed the ball to Choujuuro who was running along the 20 yard line.

"No! oh no, no, no, no," Choujuuro was saying with his eyes closed as he ran forward with outstretched arms, "I'm not gonna catch it, I'm not gonna catch it - " suddenly something fell into his arms – "I caught it!" And, as if the ball was hot coals, he immediately thrust it into Hinata's arms.

Naruto was nearby and he saw his opportunity to get the ball back in to Team Sakura Fkk'n Suxx possession. He ran after Hinata who was sprinting and grabbed her from behind in order to tackle her. There was a collective intake of breath from the entire stadium.

Gaara was on the edge of his seat, "Come on…faint…faint…"

"What a position!" Jiraiya commented.

"One of my personal favourites…the backside tackle…" Orochimaru leered.

"Is that why you made the genin requirement in the Hidden sound village 'see how hard you could tackle Orochimaru from the back'?" Kisame asked.

Kidomaru paled.

"Thats sick Orochimaru!" He yelled.

Jirobou paled.

"OH...I think I got a stomach ache."

Sakon frowned.

"This is a sannin?"

Tayuya glared.

"That son of a paedophile..."

Kimmimaro did nothing.

"I will do whatever Orochimaru asks me."

"Such a devout loyal Ninja Kimmimaro is." Orochimaru swooned.

"Is that why he bleeds from his butt every now and then?" Jiraiya asked.

"...Maybe."

Hinata was a fiery shade of red and Naruto looked a bit awkward himself, time seemed to have come to a standstill as everyone awaited what would be the outcome of this tackle. Hinata was feeling woozy and weak-kneed. Her crush was that close to her. She had two options, a) give in to the blood that was leaving her head and faint in his arms or b) kick some ass.

Suddenly, there was a powerful surge of chakra and Naruto was jyuukened with extreme force and went sliding on the grass while Hinata crossed the touchdown line. All his shadow clones that were distracting members of the Epic Team had disappeared.

"Oh my, Hinata is handing out jyuukens like blankets at a homeless shelter, is anybody safe?" Jiraiya said, with a hint of fear and a lot of awe.

"Naruto-kun!" Ino yelled, Sakura and Tenten had to restrain her from running on to the field.

"Since…when…were you so…concerned about…Naruto…" Sakura said, grinding her teeth as she gripped Ino.

"Since…since always! Let go of me Forehead! Bun girl!"

"Bun girl?" Tenten said with a raised eyebrow.

On the field, Hinata woke up from the ground and her teammates were smiling at her. "Nicely done, Hinata," Kakashi complimented her. Sasori and Tayuya just nodded, Suigetsu enveloped her in a hug, Choujuuro and Darui flashed her a thumbs-up while the Tsuchikage smirked at Gaara who glared back.

Finally, Itachi stood in front of Hinata and held out his fist. Hinata looked confused.

"Bump this," Itachi said, without an expression.

Hinata smiled and fistbumped Itachi.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Sasuke Uchiha."

"Sasuke Uchiha," Hanabi echoed.

Sasuke turned his attention away from the game, looked at Konohamaru and Hanabi up and down then raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, he's me," Sasuke said, trying to look smooth and composed since he noticed the camera pointed in his direction.

"Let me just start off by saying…you're my idol," Konohamaru said.

"And mine too."

Sasuke wore a smug expression for about two seconds before, "Wait a minute…aren't you that little dweeb who used to follow Naruto around and worship him?"

"Uhhhh…yeah…but now revenge is like the in thing right now. ALL the cool kids are doing it."

Sasuke was looking sceptical.

"So what's the story with you and the Hokage?" Hanabi asked quickly, winking at Konohamaru, who pointed the camera right into Sasuke's face.

"What?"

"Don't even try and deny it, we saw you eyeing her out the entire game so far."

"I was no - "

"Ah ah ah… So are the rumours true then?" Konohamaru asked.

"Yes, is it in fact true that the Uchiha's have a thing for blonde Senju women?"

"Wha?"

"And aren't you ashamed that you have a crush on what can safely be called…your ancestors crush… a fifty-something year old woman?"

Sasuke was getting angry now… how dare these two pipsqueaks ask him all sorts of irrelevant questions and distract him from the game? Unseen to the eyes of Konohamaru and Hanabi, Sasuke hid his hands behind his back and was forming a chidori that would shock them more than Uchiha-Senju related gossip…

"Uh, I think we have a situation here," Neji said, prodding Naruto, who wasn't waking up.

"Is h-he okay?" Hinata asked.

"You did this!" Ino snarled.

"Calm down…I'll check," Itachi said, putting a hand to Naruto's head and activating his sharingan. Itachi suddenly found himself in the Kyuubi's chamber where Naruto was sitting down and having a chat with the Kyuubi. Itachi looked around, surveyed the place then he looked down the ground where he was ankle deep in a orange-yellow liquid that bubbled every now and again and Naruto was just sitting in it.

"And then, she just used her gentle fist on me – like, why do they even call it the 'gentle fist'? There isn't anything gentle about it! It was harsh man," Naruto was saying.

"I feel you," the Kyuubi said.

"We're going to have to work together on this one, Team Sakura Fkk'n Suxx can't afford to lose!"

"I hear you," said Kyuubi.

"Naruto…" Itachi said.

"Itachi! What are you doing in here?"

"Naruto…this liquid on the ground of this chamber…is this the kyuubi's pee?"

"When you gotta go…you gotta go." Kyuubi said.

Itachi grimaced, deactivated his sharingan and took his hand off Naruto's head, "He'll be back…shortly."

Tsunade shooed the crowd away and bent down to examine him herself.

"So you're into the whole older woman thing? Is that why none of the girls in your classes at the academy never had a chance with you? Just tell us, don't be shy," Hanabi said.

"Yeah, nothing you say could shock us anyway, after things we've heard and seen today," Konohamaru added.

Sasuke smirked, "This ought to shock you," he was about to chidori them when something caught his eye, something of the porcelain, creamy, round, soft and squishy variety. The lightening disappeared from around his arm, his jaw went slack and suddenly, Marvin Gaye's 'let's get it on' started playing in the background.

"What? I like this song," Jiraiya said as Orochimaru and Kisame gave him funny looks for playing that song during the intermission.

"Oh, this is the good stuff!" Konohamaru said, noticing Sasuke's sudden preoccupation with how Tsunade was bent over checking on Naruto, with her cleavage spilling, "Stream it."

Sasuke's glazed-eyed, drooling face was now up on the big screen for all to see. People in the stadium were laughing hysterically. Even Sakura was staring at him with a 'what the fuck?' look on her face.

"How come he never ever looked at me like that?" Orochimaru asked.

"You don't have boobs?" Kisame said.

Orochimaru cackled, "I did the one time when I crashed the chunin exams."

"Hey just out of curiosity...whatever happened to your cock Orochimaru?" Jiraiya wondered.

"I think Sasuke's hormones finally started tingling, how troublesome," Shikamaru commented.

Sasuke snapped back into what was going on and glared at Shikamaru.

"HA! I TOLD YOU , YOU WERE HOT FOR TSUNADE!" Konohamaru shouted.

"Yes we did." Hanabi echoed.

Sasuke fumed and electricity sparked around his body.

"That's it. You two are going down!" He shouted dashing towards them.

"You mean how you want to on Tsunade?" Hanabi asked.

"RUN AWAY!" The young Sarutobi said as he and Hinata's sister took off in the opposite direction.

"Move it! MOVE IT!" Hidan said as he shoved his way through the crowd making his way towards Naruto.

"Oh Ruto...what did she do to you?" Hidan said looking at Naruto's unconscious body.

Hinata became sadder by the second.

"He's not waking up." Tsunade said.

"Lemme try something." Hidan said.

He crouched down near Naruto's head.

"You know they say you can make a person dream about whatever you talk to them about in their sleep. " He said to the crowd.

"So where are you going with this Akatsuki?"

"I have a name bitch." Hidan replied angrily.

Tsunade glared. " Your immortality is the only reason I'm not punching your head off."

"Any way, Naruto picture this." He said to the unconscious blonde. "You're walking down a hall way. you make a left down another hallway, then continue walking, then a right down another hallway, then another left, then a right, then another right, then another left, then another left then- BAM! SAKURA'S FACE!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"A high pitched girlish scream escaped Naruto's throat as he shot up straighter than Orochimaru when Sasuke is around.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" A high pitched girlish scream erupted from Kyuubi's thoat...and ironically the water levels near his seal rose about 3 feet.

"He's awake!" Ino screamed happily.

Hinata smiled in relief.

Then without warning, Ino planted her lips firmly on Naruto's and gave him a long, sensual kiss that left Naruto's eyes unfocused and a dreamy look on his face.

Hinata stopped smiling. And her rage levels went up ten notches.

"And he's up!" Kisame started. "What a relief huh guys?"

"..."

"Guys?" Kisame said looking over toward the other two announcers.

Jiraiya was hyperventilating and shaking violently.

"Damn!...Wh-what Hidan s-s-said was S-s-s-s-s-s-sca-scary a-a-as h-h-hell!" He stuttered.

Orochimaru was passed out on the floor beside his chair.

"Ok are we all ready?" Tsunade asked.

"No. Deidara's dead." Hidan said looking at the unmoving blonde at his feet.

"DEI-KUN! NOOO!"

"..."

"Who the hell said that?" Neji asked.

Everyone looked around.

But nobody questioned why Sasori was covering his mouth and moving his eyes around suspiciously.

"How did Deidara die?" Itachi asked as Tsunade inspected the body.

"I think Sakura's face traumatized him to death." Tsunade said.

"Wow Sakura this means you must be hideous." Ino said when she returned to the stands.

Sakura glared at said blonde.

Ino quickly slapped Sakura across the face.

"OMIGOD DON'T LOOK AT ME, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!" Ino yelled.

"Someone get Nagato down here to resurrect Deidara...again." Tsunade commanded.

"Something must be done about Sakura's face." Gaara said.

"For once I agree with you." Onoki said.

"It appears Deidara has died...again." Kisame announced.

"Hey Kisame, I guess Deidara is dead weight now...get it." Jiraiya commented.

"...If I wasn't such a powerful ninja that joke would have killed me." The rogue mist ninja said.

Suddenly the door to the announcer's booth slammed open and in came-

"AAAAH! RUN AWAY!" Konohamaru said diving into the booth.

"Wait for me Kono!" Hanabi dove in right after.

"YOU GUYS ARE DEAD!"

Blue lightning arced all around the inside of the booth causing the announcers to duck.

"Watch it!" Jiraiya said covering his head.

"Whoa!" Kisame said.

The lightning became even more erratic. The booth was in chaos.

Then it suddenly stopped.

Eyes opened cautiously. The occupants of the announcers booth peeked around getting ready to duck again if need be.

Then they caught sight of Sasuke Uchiha standing upside down on the ceiling, Mangekyou Sharingan blazing, and glaring at the two video camera filming shinobi.

"Time to die." Sasuke said.

Konohamaru paled.

Hanabi paled as well.

"Is anybody else wondering why even though he is unconscious, Orochimaru has a boner?" Jiraiya announced.

There was a creepy smile on Orochimaru's face as he rose from the ground and licked his lips, "I got myself a prosthetic penis just for this moment…oh how handsome you look upside down…I intend to ravage you here and now, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke was so shocked that he lost his footing on the ceiling and fell down to the ground, on his butt, causing Hanabi and Konohamaru to point and laugh hysterically.

Somewhere in the stands Kabuto wailed, "No my Master! Ravage me instead!"

The people around him slowly moved away.

Meanwhile, Sasuke recovered from his shock and faced Orochimaru.

"A part of me wants to intervene and stop Oro here from getting annihilated but the other part of me wants to see the action!" Jiraiya said, looking from Sasuke to Orochimaru.

"I have no time to deal with the likes of you," Sasuke said haughtily before he fried Orochimaru with a chidori. As Orochimaru slumped down to the floor, it never escaped Jiraiya and Kisame's eyes that Orochimaru's boner was still active.

There was a sadistic grin on Sasuke's face as he watched Orochimaru fall, and then he turned slowly to Konohamaru and Hanabi, still grinning, "Now…where was I…"

Once Deidara was brought back to life…again… the game resumed with the Epic Team in the lead and ten minutes on the clock. Captain Gaara wasn't the least bit worried, after all, Uzumaki was on his team and the dude always managed to pull a win out of the hat even if the odds were stacked against him.

He simply ignored the smug look on the Tsuchikage's face and continued to cheer for his team…silently…in his head.

The Naruto clones were back on the field. Note to self, stay away from Hinata, do not mess with Hinata, Naruto thought as he looked her way and saw that she had a strange look on her face.

Kidomaru the quarterback threw the football to one of the Naruto's who threw it to another as they ran. Suddenly, Naruto was tackled by Itachi who now got hold of the ball. But as soon as he passed it to Darui, it vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Ahahahahaha! My boy Naruto just outsmarted an Uchiha!" Hidan laughed.

"Way to go Naruto!" Deidara cheered, feeling a lot more lively now after dying and being brought back to life.

Naruto had transformed one of his clones into the ball, but the real one had the football and already scored a touchdown.

"I'm so proud of that guy," Iruka said, wiping a tear away.

"The scores are tied again! It could still go either way, but folks, that was a brilliant move from Naruto, my prized student!" Jiraiya said.

"Big deal!" Sasuke shouted, "You should rather announce how I'm about to barbeque these two little losers! Any last words?"

"Yeah!" Hanabi piped up.

"What?" Sasuke asked impatiently.

Konohamaru got up and took over Orochimaru's microphone, "How come you're getting so fired up about having the hots for Tsunade if it isn't true?"

His voice echoed throughout the stadium.

Tsunade tore her eyes away from the game and looked up suspiciously towards the announcers booth. Who was this having the hots for her now?

In the announcers booth, Sasuke snatched the microphone away and in his most menacing voice, "That's it, little Sarutobi and little Hyuuga, prepare to meet your demise."

Tsunade gagged, Sasuke? That's somehow even worse than Madara having a thing for me.

What is this madness? Madara wondered.

The time left in the match was ticking away and Hinata had just maimed Matsuri violently for the ball and was about to pass it to Kakashi when she heard Sasuke threatening her little sister. Her rage levels were already flared up and she flung the football down to the ground where it was quickly snatched up by Yamato.

"What the - !" Tsuchikage yelled.

"Why the -!" Suigetsu shouted.

"Uh oh," Itachi said, looking blankly after Hinata who had disappeared.

The final minute on the clock ticked away as ball was passed from Kidomaru to Neji. Sasori tried to intercept it with chakra strings but Neji dodged and went in for the touchdown as the clock hit zero.

Tsunade blew the final whistle.

There was cheers all around for Team Sakura F'kkn suxx as they jumped and embraced each other on the field. "Team Sakura F'kkn Suxx fucking rules!" Hidan cheered.

"Yay!"

"Whoohooo!"

"Well played, team," the Kazekage said, doing cartwheels in his mind.

The Epic team looked downcast, even Itachi and Sasori were looking saddened by the defeat.

"We were so close," Choujuuro wept.

"The game is over and Team Sakura Fkk'n suxx emerges victorious! Bad luck for the Epic Team, maybe they will have better luck nex – hey what in the world is this!" Kisame exclaimed.

"Hinata-nee-san!" Hanabi said in relief as her sister appeared in front of her in the announcers booth, byakugan activated and in the gentle fist stance.

The aura around her was even more alarming than Sasuke's.

"Just get out of the way," Sasuke said in a bored tone.

Hinata clenched her fists, "You mess with my sister, you mess with me."

"What was that?" Sasuke asked, smirking.

"You're about to die."

"Oh?"

"Whoa…something tells me Hinata woke up on the wrong side of the bed today," Jiraiya said.

"Or maybe she woke up on the floor," Kisame gulped.

Hinata darted forward, intent on ending Sasuke.

Sasuke dashed forward intent on ridding Hinata out of his way.

"Die!"

"Hyaa!"

Then suddenly something appeared in between them mere seconds before they clashed.

Hinata noticed that this something had HUGE chakra reserves and it's chakra was ...dark

It was Orochimaru. Orochimaru appeared in between them and stopped them both with just the force of his prescence...

This was the power of a true Sannin. Orochimaru reminded them why he people coward in fear when his name was mentioned.

These things WOULD HAVE described him...

...If it weren't for his fanfiction enlarged prosthetic Boner protruding from his trousers pointing in Sasuke's direction.

AN-WILL SASUKE WIN?

WILL HINATA?

WILL OROCHIMARU?

WILL HIS PENIS?

WILL DEIDARA DIE AGAIN?

WILL THERE BE ANOTHER USELESS(SAKURA) JOKE?

DID YOU JUST NOTICE IN THAT LAST QUESTION THERE IN FACT WAS A SAKURA JOKE?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON NAST!

BLOOPERS:

Sakura's face scene take 1

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"..."

"Shino um...That wasn't your line...are you okay?"

Shino just hyperventilated quietly.

SAKURA'S FACE SCENE TAKE 2.

Thud!

"Damnit Deidara! You died too soon!" Hidan screamed.

SAKURA'S FACE SCENE TAKE 3.

"WAIT!" Naruto said all of a sudden conscious again. "So I made a left and two rights then a left?" He asked sitting on the ground.

"No you made a right then a left, then a left then a right, then 2 lefts." Hidan answered.

"So left, right, left, right, right, left, right?"

"No right, left, left, right, left, right, left."

"left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left?"

"No left, right, left, right, left, right, right, left."

"left, left, left,left, left, left, left, left, left, left?"

Thud!

"What the hell Deidara? Too early again! What happened?" Hidan said.

"I think he became too dizzy from Naruto and you talking." Neji said.

A/N Again! : Hana-01 would like to say a special thank you to Masochisticmeliii for the inspiration and some of the crazy ideas included in this chapter!