Two days after his talk with Dean, Sam tried to forget the week he'd had with Gabriel. Luci was coming back. He needed to forget all that fun and return to his old life. He'd known that taste of freedom was dangerous.
Sunday night, Sam sat with his arm draped over Luci's shoulders while they watched an episode of Stargate-SG1. Even though it was the first time Daniel died in the series, Luci seemed particularly bored.
"So, what did you do last week?" he asked.
Sam said, "Just hung out with Dean at home."
Sam went back to watching the show in silence. As everyone on the show needlessly saluted at Daniel's first funeral, Luci slotted a hand between Sam's thighs. Sam tried to ignore him and focus harder on the TV.
"C'mon, Sam," his boyfriend whined, "You don't pay attention to me anymore. Talk to me, Sam."
"Is talking what you're really after?" Sam asked, gesturing to Luci's hand on his crotch. His boyfriend smiled impishly. Sam rolled his eyes.
"Can't it wait until later?" he asked, waving his hand at the TV as they revealed Daniel was indeed not dead but being held captive by an alien, "It's getting to the good part."
"But, Sam…you're not going to be in the mood later," Luci complained.
"I'm not in the mood now."
"I can fix that."
"Then, you can fix it after this episode." Luci moved on the couch to straddle Sam's hips, effectively blocking the television.
He fixed Sam with an alarmingly cold stare and said, "You know, if you really cared about me, this wouldn't even be an issue."
Sam knew it would only get worse from here. Sure, he'd seen this episode before, so he wouldn't be missing anything. But he really didn't want to have sex with Luci. Still, Sam knew if he didn't relent now, Luci would start moping. That moping would only be curable with sex. If he just left Luci to his sulking—well, Sam still had an ache in his back from the last time he'd tried that.
"You're right," Sam said, "I've seen this episode anyway."
Luci hopped off of his lap happily and said, "Wonderful. Bedroom, then?" Sam's boyfriend dragged him off the couch and down the narrow hall much rougher than was necessary. He knew he was in for it just for being reluctant about having sex. Especially after Luci had been gone for a week. He swallowed his fear and prayed he hadn't angered Luci too much.
This is what he was afraid to tell Gabe about. Sex with Luci wasn't fun, it wasn't nice. It was painful. It usually left Sam bleeding. There were times where he couldn't sit for days. It was one thing to be bruised and beaten, it was another to admit complacency about what was usually coerced sex. It was a level of shame that he would never be comfortable with. Nothing made him hate himself more. But going with it was easier. Not saying anything was safer.
He shoved Sam onto the bed and proceeded to search for his strap-on. Sam knew better than to protest. Sam knew better than to ask why Luci didn't just get gender reassignment surgery. He knew there would be little to no prepping, and no lube. He knew he wouldn't be able to sit for days. He knew he was a coward for not breaking things off with the man who got such pleasure from hurting him. And that was why he knew he deserved this. He took off his pants and thought about walking around the city with Gabriel, watching Lord of the Rings with Gabriel, trying to convince Gabriel to go skating. He tried to think about anything else.
If he was a better person, he'd leave. But he wasn't, so he didn't and wouldn't deserve any better if he did. Still, as Sam choked down his cries of pain, he couldn't help but imagine soft hands, caramel hair, and amber eyes calming him and soothing him through it all.