Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, its characters or any intellectual property.
Author's Note: Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. I meant for this chapter to be a little longer, but I'm anticipating that the next section of it could get lengthy. Therefore, this chapter might end with a (sort of) cliffhanger- but just know that things will be rectified shortly. Promise.
Brown eyes fluttered from sleep into lucidity sometime the next day. This first thing that Santana noticed was the lack of arms surrounding her. When she and Brittany had dropped into a sleepy silence last night, she'd felt warm limbs wrap around her as soon as the blonde thought she'd fallen asleep. She had just savored how nice it felt to be held and slipped into unconsciousness. Now, the body heat and the smell of shampoo from the other girl were painfully absent.
She rolled from her side to her back- and bumped into Brittany. The blonde was staring up at the ceiling, unknowingly mimicking the same actions that Santana herself had done for months while envisioning that Brittany was there with her. Santana rubbed her eyes and waited for the other girl to turn and look at her. When she did, the eyes that met her own didn't shine as brightly as they had done the previous night.
"Morning, Britt," Santana grinned sleepily, ignoring the unsettling feeling in her gut. "Did you sleep all right?" The blonde nodded, still silent. "Everything ok?"
The other girl finally forced a smile onto her face. "I slept fine," she informed Santana before looking away to gaze back up at the ceiling. She didn't really answer the "is everything ok" question at all. Santana furrowed her brows, utterly perplexed. Brittany sighed, feeling the sensation of eyes still fixed on her. "Why are you staring at me?" she asked aloud, questioning. Her voice was sharper than the brunette anticipated. It almost hurt.
Santana gulped and looked away. "I like looking at you... that's why. What's going on, Britt? Why are you being so distant?" she wondered, trying to look at anything else other than the girl in her bed whose tense body language panicked Santana. Her pulse quickened in her neck.
Brittany breathed in deeply and didn't answer.
Santana watched her ribcage rise and fall. She was tempted to reach over and run her fingers along the moving sternum, but she realized quickly that touching Brittany like that wasn't exactly something friends did. Wasn't that what they'd settled on last night? They talked about finding places in one another's new lives and being friends first. They needed to work on how they could be together platonically before they could ever hope to be together romantically again. Brittany had seemed open to this idea last night… but now she seemed like she was somewhere else. She'd been physically far away for the last six months, Santana lamented, and here she was, emotionally far away and yet so close.
Finally, Brittany rolled over to her side and stared at Santana. Her eyes burned holes into the tanned skin lying next to her. She finally spoke after several minutes of silence. "Where am I?" she questioned intently.
Santana squinted, unclear about what she was actually being asked. "Where are you, Britt? Did all that alcohol make you forget last night? Did you get amnesia in your sleep?"
"Where am I here, Santana, in this room in this loft? You took down all the pictures of us that you used to have everywhere. When we used to Skype while you were in Louisville, you showed me all the stuff you kept to… to remind you of me. But I've been awake for an hour trying to find any remnants that I even existed to you… and there are none," she somberly noted. "Did I… did I really hurt you so badly that you had to erase me?"
Santana wondered how valuable being completely honest actually was in this situation. She wanted to tell Brittany that she removed the pictures and reminders because they hurt too much… but she didn't want to make the blonde feel more guilt than she already did. At the same time, friends were supposed to be completely honest with one another, right?
"I put the pictures and stuff… in a box," Santana started, deciding to be truthful but as gentle as possible. "I put it in storage. Seeing your face hurt too much. I quit Facebook for the same reasons. I kept it all though, Britt, every bit of it."
Brittany pondered this for a moment. "I don't blame you," she finally admitted with a slight shrug. "I had to do the same thing when…" she trailed off, unable to finish the thought.
Santana sat up, propped on her elbows. "When what?"
Brittany rubbed her temples with her fingertips. "I shouldn't have brought this up, I'm sorry. I should have left this for a time when we weren't hung over… barely clothed… and in bed together."
The brunette shook her head. "We need to talk about this stuff so we can move on, Britt."
The blonde bit her lip, unsure of her words. Santana tried to avoid the action, and how unbelievably sexy it looked, and how close they were in proximity from one another, and how Brittany was clad in only a tank top with shorts, and how it registered to her directly at the apex of her thighs. She tried to banish those thoughts from her head because they would get her into trouble and she knew it.
The bit about getting everything out into the open finally convinced the other girl. She sighed and dropped her eyes from Santana's. "I did the same thing when you broke up with me… because you said the long-distance was too hard… and you'd had that energy exchange with someone else," Brittany finally finished. "You disappeared back to Kentucky and… I couldn't bear to see your face for weeks. I took down everything that reminded me of what we had. I thought I would die."
Santana hadn't been expecting that. She wasn't totally prepared to delve so deeply into the reasons behind her poor decisions in the past. She knew, from that terrible night at Breadstix just before they broke up, that Brittany was hurt and feeling alone- but they hadn't ever really talked about it since then. Plus, she wasn't emotionally stable enough to be able to explain all the excuses she'd woven to rationalize what she immediately recognized was the worst choice she'd ever made.
"Britt… I…" she stammered numbly, unable to wrap her mind around a response. Brittany reached over and touched shoulder softly. Santana felt that twinge of a current run through her where the blonde's fingers lightly grazed her skin. She closed her eyes so she could focus entirely on that feeling, surrendering the other senses to have her sense of touch heightened.
"It's ok, San," Brittany all but whispered. "We don't have to talk about this now if you don't want to. Seriously, this is too heavy of a conversation for this early." She went to slide her hand off of Santana's shoulder when the brunette's fingers wrapped around her wrist, halting her movement.
"No, Brittany, you're right. I owe you an explanation," she forced herself to say. She opened her eyes and found the blonde's again. "I regretted ending things after about… six steps outside those choir room doors," Santana told her, idly running her thumb over the soft skin of the blonde's wrist. This was going to be hard, she knew. But she owed Brittany this much.
"I thought I was doing it for the right reasons, you know? You were so… sad and lonely when you told me that I'd left you behind. You were upset and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't do anything to make that feeling go away. And it terrified me. I'd always been able to fix things before, with mean words or my social standing or whatever. But I couldn't fix that," she admitted, feeling goose bumps emerge on the arm she was holding. "It was the first time that… that I felt any doubt that we would make it. It never crossed my mind before then. I knew I was busy and that you were still in Lima… but I never imagined how bad it must have been for you. So when you told me all that, I panicked and I did what I always do—I avoided the problem. I thought that by… ending things… you wouldn't miss me so much… because you wouldn't have anyone to miss."
Santana felt a hot shame reach her neck and ears.
"The thing is that I never expected how badly it would hurt to say those words to you. I can only imagine how it must have felt like to hear them. That energy exchange I talked about? I neglected to mention that the instant that other girl smiled at me, the first thing that same to mind wasn't she's into me or even she's cute… it was she's not Brittany," Santana finally said aloud. It was first time she'd even had the courage to articulate that thought verbally. It was something she'd only ever thought, repeated like a mantra over and over again, when she'd thought back to that day in the library.
She's not Brittany. She's not Brittany. No one could ever be Brittany.
Brittany's voice came out, small and unsure. "Really?"
Santana nodded, forcing out an awkward laugh. "Yeah, really." She looked down at the circles her fingertips were making on Brittany's skin. "I thought that I was making your life easier by taking a step back. I missed you for months. I started skipping classes and I quit the cheerleading team… I felt like the only thing that had ever kept me together was you. And I purposefully pushed you away. I forgot all my reasons for being in Louisville and my motivation for succeeding… and I dropped out. It wasn't until Tina called and told me that you were with Sam… that I finally got the motivation to come back to Lima," Santana explained, trying to be as open as possible. She fought to maintain eye contact with the blue eyes that were locked on her own. She wasn't proud of this part of her story.
"Even then, I was so selfish. Hearing that you'd moved on made me desperate to see you… to make you jealous… so that I would have some indication that I still had a place in your heart. If you got upset, it meant that I still mattered. I was petrified that you'd completely moved on and that I would never have a shot to get you back again once I realized how much I need you. I should never have… asked you… to break up with him. I shouldn't have done that… especially because the entire reason you were single in the first place was because of my own cowardice," Santana regretfully expressed.
She resisted the urge to allow herself to cry; she would just be expressing pity for her own stupid decisions. That's not what this was supposed to be about.
"I'm sorry, Britt. I'm sorry for being stupid and scared all over again… and hurting you… all over again. If it helps… I regret doing it. I think about it every day. I wish I had worked harder to come home on the weekends while I was in school. I wish I had made time for us, like I should have. I should have been better for you… and I wasn't. I have been repentant for my actions for so many months… I have hated myself for them," Santana voiced quietly, her throat suddenly becoming thick with emotion. "I want you to know that even while broken up… I never for one second… stopped thinking about you."
Her words answered so many questions that had been plaguing the blonde for long months. Brittany needed to know what had been running through the other girl's head in order to move on. Now she knew why Santana had done what she had… why she'd broken them up… why she'd stayed away… why she'd come back, pretending to have some new girlfriend to prance around in front of the Glee club with. In that moment, she once again fleetingly wanted it to be simple, to forgive and forget all those lost months, to be able to move on immediately. But things weren't like that in real life.
Santana continued softly. "You told me goodbye in that auditorium and went to meet Sam… and I thought my life was over. I kissed you and it seemed like a goodbye kiss… not like a see you later kiss. That was what drove me to leave. Your words encouraged me… but that absence of emotion convinced me," Santana further explained. "When I got here, to New York, I still thought about you every single day. I wondered if you were happy… if Sam was treating you well… if you ever missed me. I think I lived more in my head than in reality for a few weeks."
Brittany nodded, not wanting to interrupt, still wrapped up in Santana's story. "And you were busy too… you graduated. Rachel and Kurt took pictures for me. When I saw the one of you crossing that stage in your cap and gown… Brit, I can't even explain it. I thought I would explode from pride," the brunette mumbled, bashful suddenly at how much of her thoughts this other girl consumed regularly.
Brittany blushed at this. "I wish you could have been there, San. I thought you might be somewhere in the crowd out of sight, but they told me you stayed in New York," she admitted, trying not to seem too upset about the brunette's absence. "Did you… did you see the picture from Tina's party?"
Santana nodded after a second. "Yes… Kurt showed me. You looked so beautiful, Britt. I felt so stupid for not being there. But I refused to go back to Lima until I could… umm… I thought that the only way I could possibly get you back again was if I did something to earn your love again. I wanted to become famous or make it big or whatever… so that you would remember all those things you loved about me in the first place."
Brittany's eyebrows furrowed. "Have I ever made you think that I needed success or fame to impress or make you attractive to me? I just wanted you, Santana, no more and no less," the blonde stated forcefully.
Santana's eyes dropped away, shamefully.
"It was a ridiculous fantasy- I know that now. I need to want things for me, you know? I need to prove things to myself," Santana countered, still clutching onto the other girl's wrist softly, stroking it. "I worked as a hostess until I pissed off this… horrible customer… who turned out to be a big time producer at Metropolis Records. He liked my sass and offered me a job. I started at the end of May," Santana recounted. "The silly thing was, the first day I started, I remember thinking that I was finally on the right track to making you proud again." She paused to smile shyly at Brittany.
"And that's where you met… Audrey?" Brittany suddenly asked, her voice nonchalant and unassuming.
Santana felt the warmth that was growing in her gut turn into a chill.
Audrey… she'd totally forgotten all about the girl once she'd spotted Brittany sitting in her living room. They were supposed to have a date tomorrow, she realized. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to ditch the barista just because Brittany was in town. At the same time, she didn't want Brittany to think she'd moved on or wasn't interested in something more once they'd worked their shit out.
"Yeah, that's where I met her," she finally was able to force out. She wasn't sure how to proceed. She might as well be honest with Brittany, since they were trying to rebuild trust and a foundation here. "I'm going to try to be truthful with you, Britt. I mean… I think I like her. We ate lunch together every day this summer. She made me forget that I was alone… that you weren't around… even if it only was for an hour a day. So I asked her out yesterday," Santana scratched her head with her free hand. "But then I came home and you were there."
"Well… I appreciate your honesty," Brittany responded hesitantly. "You shouldn't break your date with her just because I'm here. I mean- if we're going to work on our friendship, then that's what we need to do. You don't owe me anything, you know? You don't need to blow off Audrey for me… I'm not asking you to do that. I think that it is important that we both have new experiences. If in the future, we work things out to where we decide to try to date again, I don't want there to be any regret in your mind, like you missed out on being with other people. Like you said, we're nineteen. We don't have to make forever decisions right now."
Brittany said these things, but in the back of Santana's mind, she already knew that the other girl was a concrete forever decision. The blonde had a point though; she did owe something to Audrey after asking her out. The least she could do was give her one date, right?
The blonde sighed heavily. She had just moved to New York and Santana had been a huge, deciding factor in her coming here. However, Brittany knew that she couldn't just insert herself in the other girl's life. If Santana made a promise to take some other girl out, as much as it sucked, she needed to keep that promise. If things were meant to be, this girl would be a minor distraction in the path towards them getting back together. If things were meant to be, Santana would figure that out when this other girl didn't make her feel like Brittany did. If things were meant to be, the brunette would realize that her heart already belonged to someone else and couldn't be re-gifted to some chick she'd eaten lunch with for three months.
Everything would be worth it, Brittany ultimately knew. Everything that kept them apart would only serve as prompts for their return to one another. Besides, jumping back into a relationship ran the risk of ending poorly. What happened if they got together and realized that they were too different now, that they wanted different things, that they were no longer compatible? That would hurt so much more than just waiting. After everything that they had put one another through, they owed one another that much. Brittany could wait while Santana sorted the situation with Audrey out. She could prove herself to be salient and resilient and trustworthy. She could prove that she was there to choose Santana- and no one else. She would be her friend first, like they'd always tried to be, and keep an open mind.
"I want to work through our shit," Santana suddenly stated. "I want to deal with the past and figure everything out. I want to be able to let go of what we've both done to hurt one another so that we can move forward. I want to… I want to try to be with you again… but we have to get there."
"Hopefully, we will get there," Brittany encouraged, closing her fingers around Santana's hand. "But I can't have you panicking on me or getting scared or running off. I need you to make sure that you're absolutely sure before we… become anything more than friends. I have to see if I fit in your life again, remember? Well you made these plans because you think you like this girl. I cannot, in good faith, try to build something with you if there's a question mark in your mind about someone else. I think you should go on that date, even if it is just to see what it feels like to date another girl."
Through her fingertips, Santana lightly felt the pulse that was echoing through Brittany's wrist. She listened to Brittany tell her to go out with Audrey, but part of her wanted to just stop things. She wanted to shake her head and refute the suggestions. She wanted to say that there was no place in her heart for anyone else. But she had to prove it to herself before she could prove it to the blonde.
Santana sighed and nodded softly, almost begrudgingly. "You're right… and you've always been too smart for me, Britt. You know what's best before I do." She picked up Brittany's hand gently and turned it so her palm faced the ceiling. "But you also have to know… you are always going to be my trump card… you will always beat every hand that anyone could play." Then she leaned over, closing her eyes, and placed a soft, chaste kiss on the supple underside of the girl's wrist, unable to keep from doing it.
Brittany shivered at the touch of Santana's lips on her skin after so long. She felt that familiar tingle rush through her body, searing every nerve in her system. She found herself exhaling a soft barely audible moan unconsciously as the other girl removed her mouth slowly from her wrist.
Without thinking, a hand snaked its way up into Santana's hair, clutching onto her neck. Brittany forgot that "normal friends" didn't kiss or lust after one another. "Normal friends" didn't suddenly picture the other writhing on the bed or straddling naked hips or wandering hands beneath blankets. "Normal friends" didn't become painfully aroused at a mouse-kiss on a wrist.
It occurred to Brittany, in that moment, that she and Santana were never quite normal friends to begin with. Maybe they were always meant to be one another's soul mates. But then her mind clouded, as she still seemed to feel the tingle that Santana's lips had burned into her skin. Then all she could think of was getting that mouth back onto her body.
Santana felt her neck being tugged towards Brittany's face, her wild eyes begging for something that she wasn't sure she should give. She watched as the other girl quickly moistened her own lips with a quick swipe of her tongue. The flash of pink reminded her exactly how agile and brilliant that part of Brittany's body was, especially when applied to specific areas… specific areas that were throbbing at their sudden close proximity.
She wanted to say fuck it and give in. She wanted to kiss Brittany like her entire body was pleading for her to do it. She wanted to know the blonde still tasted the same, felt the same against her mouth. That was what had eaten away at her over the past several months. In truth, it wasn't the loneliness that had bothered her so deeply; the forgetting troubled her the most.
She'd lost little things about their relationship, details so minute that they just escaped her over time. Things she wanted to sear into her mind eventually faded around the edges, despite her own protests. She wanted to remember how Brittany sighed contently when they kissed for long periods of time, or the way she placed her hands on Santana's body, whether it be tenderly rubbing the back of her neck or threading their fingers together. She always wanted to know the dip in the blonde's abdomen just next to her hipbone that allowed for hands to slip easily under clothes. She wanted to chart the locations of moles, freckles, or birthmarks so she could find her way back if she got too lost savoring soft skin.
She wanted to have distinct memories of all those things so that she would never lose them, so they were always a part of her. She wanted to absorb them so that they became as natural to her as her own skin. But time robbed her of some of that. Sometimes she would forget parts; they would become vague smudges. It terrified her—the notion that her mind allowed things to evaporate… like smoke out of her head, just gone suddenly.
A war waged within Santana. She didn't want to ruin the process of finding their places in one another's lives. She didn't want to skip the step where they relearned to be friends and just leapt back into a relationship. If they failed again, she doubted that they'd have another chance. They needed to be adults about this, she knew. They needed to set boundaries and respect them. They needed time to heal their wounds and allow them to grow closer.
But fuck. They'd had months of being apart. They'd had time and space already. They'd been through so much that Santana almost didn't care about what she should or shouldn't do. She wanted to remember those things she'd forgotten, like a single kiss from Brittany would unlock them from deep within her heart. She needed to be close to the blonde again, so much so that her entire body ached. She had missed her so much; she pleaded for a salve for her pain and misery. She wasn't the last person who had tasted the blonde's lovely mouth and it killed her. She had to have the memory back of how Brittany kissed… because she wanted to be the last person who ever got to know that perfect detail. She'd wanted that since she was fifteen years old. Maybe she'd wanted that even earlier... from the first day they'd met years ago.
So she shut off her mind so that her heart could think for her instead.
Santana met Brittany's lips halfway, brushing them lightly against the other girl's. The same brilliant current that she'd always felt when they were together ran through her as she encountered the softness of the blonde's mouth. The kiss was barely there, a simple test of the waters, a means to gauge their respective reactions. But once they'd pulled back, it was clear to both of them that they wanted more. One briefly graze of their lips couldn't begin to satiate the desire they felt, bubbling just below the surface.
Suddenly all the pretenses they'd been tiptoeing around since Brittany arrived seemed to vanish. They were the same girls they'd always been. They were the same girls who had sleepovers in hand-me-down sleeping bags and stayed awake giggling all night until tired parents reprimanded them at four AM. They were the same girls who told one another their deepest secrets, cloaked in the darkness of dens and basements and living room floors. They were the same girls who could read one another's body languages like classic well-loved novels; they were nonverbal scholars with the aptitude to decipher a single sigh or a shrug of the shoulders. They were the same girls who came to one another for comfort when the entire world seemed against them, knowing that the other could make everything better with reassuring words and whispered promises that things would work out. They were the same girls who kissed for fun. Then kissed because it felt nice and they kinda liked it. Then kissed because it ignited something low in their bellies and touched parts of themselves that they never existed. Then kissed because it was the only way they could find to express how they felt- because saying the words that thudded in their hearts aloud was too daunting of a task for teenagers. They were the same girls, bad times and good. When it all came down to it, they were always going to be the halves of the same whole.
Santana didn't give her worries another thought as Brittany tangled a hand in her hand and pulled her closer. Their lips went from just barely grazing to drinking of one another, deep passionate kisses that reacquainted them with the tastes of mouths and gentle fluttering of tongues. The touch was unrushed and slow like dripping honey. Santana's hands found purchase on the side of Brittany's neck and her side. Her fingers squeezed her skin softly, as if to prove to her mind that her heart was indeed experiencing the blonde's kiss again after so long. The brunette gripped her closer, hands working feverishly to hold the blonde so that (perhaps) she wouldn't float away. She was alive again and where she should have been all along.
But Brittany broke the kiss first, choosing instead to lean her forehead against Santana's. Both were out of breath, their faces flushed and lips red from their vigorous actions. Santana whimpered a moment, wanting to continue with where they'd been headed. Brittany just shook her head.
"San… we need more time," she forced herself to admit. "I want to do this… so badly… but I can't risk losing you. We need to just… just…" Brittany stammered, trying her hardest not to dive back into the puffy, welcoming lips belonging to the girl staring intently at her. She shook her head, trying to regain the purpose in her actions. "We can't just go straight to hooking up. We have to do the things that we've been talking about… we have to do this right."
Santana's mind resurfaced during Brittany's ramblings. She nodded and sighed, unhooking herself from touching the other girl's body. She tried to slow her rapidly beating heart and still her lungs from gasping. "You're right," she finally was able to agree after several long moments. "We have to take time to find out how we fit together again."
She was about to delve further into the conversation when they both heard someone throw open the door to the loft. Though the curtains obscured the entering roommate from sight, the overwhelming sound of tears could be hear from the living room. Santana scrambled out of the bed as Brittany followed suit.
Upon entering the main room, they found Kurt sobbing on the couch. A flash of brown whirled past them and suddenly Rachel was there, comforting him.
"There there, Kurt," she cooed, pulling his head onto her lap, "it's going to be ok." She rubbed his shoulders and squeezed him, but her actions did little to abate his tears. Brittany crouched down next to the couch, trying to catch Kurt's eye. Then she glanced up at Rachel.
"What happened?" she asked softly as to not upset the boy further.
Rachel sighed and shook her head sadly.
Santana strode forward, crossing her arms over her chest. "Listen, you two, I'm sorry that the matinee showing of that new Kate Hudson movie sold out but you don't need to get this emotional about it. It will be on TV in weeks…" she teased. No one smiled at her joke.
Kurt only sobbed harder and Rachel shot her a nasty glare.
"Can't you lay off for once, Santana?" she snapped, continuing to stroke his head. Brittany shrugged apologetically at the Latina, still oblivious to what was going on. Rachel took a deep breath and looked back and forth between the two of them. "Kurt… um… is… newly single."
Santana's mouth dropped open and Brittany, too, looked shocked. Blaine had arrived in town that morning but neither one had anticipated a break up less than a day since he moved into the dorms. Santana suddenly felt a little guilty for making jokes during this time.
She walked over the couch and sunk down next to Kurt's sobbing body, sandwiching his form between her and Rachel who was doing her best to help. "Shit, I'm sorry, Kurt," she whispered, rubbing his ankle which was the closest thing to her. "I didn't know. What… what happened? I mean you don't have to talk about it yet; I totally get that…" she rambled on, not quite knowing what to do.
Kurt's chest heaved and he sat up, his eyes rimmed in red. "I'll tell you what happened! Blaine moved in two hours ago and discovered his roommate is this… gorgeous gay dancer with huge muscles, chiseled features, and eyes like milk chocolate! Rach and I dropped by to see his new dorm and he was acting all weird—he didn't even introduce me as his boyfriend. Before I knew it, he took me into the hall and told me his priorities had changed about our relationship. He said he wanted to see other people and this was the best for us but we could still be friends," he spat, livid. "I can't believe him! I gave him years of my life! I helped him fill out his application to NYADA for goodness sake! Now we're finally back in the same city after so long and he wants to see other people? You've got to be kidding me."
Brittany's eyebrows knotted and she remained silent. Santana briefly wondered if it was because this situation seemed to oddly mirror the one they'd been in months ago. It was a strange parallel: time apart, a break up, and a (possible) quick rebound. Seeing Kurt so obviously distraught reminded Santana of how much they'd put one another through and how far they'd come. Her lips tingled at the kiss they'd been sharing before this drama dropped into their lap. From the look Brittany was shooting her, she must have been thinking the same. She smiled softly before a loud sob from Kurt brought her back to reality.
"You'd think he'd be happy to see me—but no! He's already banking on fucking his roommate. He's so obvious that it makes me sick," Kurt sniffed, reaching for the box of tissues that Brittany had somehow located and was holding out to him. "I gave him my virginity and now he's going to be blowing that dude by the end of the week. What a shallow prick… with a small prick."
Rachel rubbed his shoulder sympathetically. "I know how hard this is Kurt," she offered. "Finn and I have been apart for months. If he moved here, I would kind of expect that we'd try to still be together. I'd be so… angry and hurt if he came here … just to blow me off." Kurt nodded with her, blowing his nose loudly.
Santana shot Brittany an awkward glance at these words. They were back in the same city after all this time apart… and were unsure how to proceed too. Whereas Blaine ended things, they'd both seemed to agree to take things slow—which was better than nothing obviously. It was sort of implied that they'd see how they felt about things and eventually try to be together again—so they weren't exactly in the same boat as these two others. If this conversation had reaffirmed anything to Santana, it was that she wanted to work to get back to that place with Brittany… no matter how long it took. But judging by the ferocity of the make out session that morning, the wait might not be as long as she'd once thought. Their mouths still fit together flawlessly, they still had the beats of one another's hearts memorized, and they still knew the contours of one another's bodies even if months had passed. Though Santana had worried that she had forgotten those things while they had been broken up, the kiss had reassured her that loving Brittany was like breathing: simple, natural, innate.
"It's so not fair," he groaned, laying his head back on Rachel's lap. "Was I stupid to assume that we'd be together when he came back into town? I thought that was the plan. I pushed him so hard to come to NYADA because I wanted us to work… and then he throws it all away for a perfectly sculpted statuesque heartthrob named D'Angelo." Kurt sat up suddenly, his breathing growing faster. "He already cheated on me once in Lima—how was I stupid enough to ever trust him again?" He broke out into wracking sobs again before any of them could say anything.
In the midst of the tears and the flurry of used tissues piling up around Kurt, Santana heard her phone ring in the bedroom. She slipped off of the couch and through the curtains to her bedside table. Gazing down at the vibrating cell, the name Audrey flashed across the screen. Her throat tightened automatically. Shit.
Santana held the phone in her hand and watched as she missed the call. She thought back to the conversation with Brittany earlier, where the blonde had told her forcefully to go out with this new girl, to not change things just because she'd arrived back in town, to continue on with life. Twenty-four hours ago, Santana would have been thrilled if Audrey were calling. Now, it seemed like a burden that she knew she'd have to deal with. It wasn't that she didn't like the other girl, because she did… but Audrey wasn't Brittany. She never could be. But Santana still needed to make sure of it.
She took a deep breath and exited the curtains. Glancing over at the couch, she saw that Kurt and Rachel were too wrapped up in singing a sloppy, tear-filled rendition of Cher's Believe to notice her standing there. Brittany was sitting awkwardly- either terribly uncomfortable at their off key song or trying to suppress her desire to join in (judging by the look on her face). She met Santana's eyes briefly and the brunette indicated that she had to make a phone call. Ignoring whatever look might flicker across Brittany's face; she headed to the sliding metal door and let herself outside quietly.
Santana took a seat outside on the stoop, basking momentarily in the bright sunshine. It was another lovely day in the city; the bustle of traffic seemed to go hand in hand with the beauty around her somehow. She couldn't ponder the afternoon or the way that the buildings around her stood out against the blue backdrop of the sky… or the way that the hue of the atmosphere reminded her of Brittany's eyes just before they'd kissed that morning. She had to make a phone call.
The phone rang about three times before she heard a familiar voice pick up.
"Hey! You're calling me back!" Audrey greeted her, sounding a little different over the phone than in person. Santana realized that this was probably because they'd never talked anywhere but the coffee shop before.
Santana cleared her throat, forcing herself to not be a coward for once. "Yeah, hi. I was in the other room and I didn't hear my phone," she explained, picking at the hem of her shorts uneasily. "I thought I was supposed to call you…"
Audrey's laugh tinkled through her phone speaker. "That was the plan. I guess I couldn't wait," she admitted, a hint of teasing in her tone. "I checked movie times for tomorrow—if you're still interested…"
Santana knew that she had to be sure of things. She had to find out in anyone else made her feel like Brittany did. She needed to know if anyone else made her blood run faster and her heart pound mercilessly inside her chest. If she didn't ever try dating anyone but the blonde inside the loft… then how could she know that her body reacted like it did only for Brittany? There was no way she could be certain unless she forced herself to have new experienced.
Brittany wasn't going anywhere. She was here in New York for good. She wanted Santana to do this. They'd work everything out… but for now this is what Santana needed to do.
"Absolutely," she told Audrey confidently, "what time tomorrow?"
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