Sam sat staring at her laptop, the icon on the blank document waiting for her to begin writing text. Something the Major normally did with ease. Instead, the blinking icon seemed to be taunting her.
It had been two weeks since she left the base and General Hammond had finally requested she send him her mission report. Janet had begrudgingly allowed her to use the laptop. Sam hadn't been allowed to do anything involving electronics because her friend knew that as soon as she started one thing it led to another. Which led to the aforementioned electronic device ripped open and Sam elbow deep in the bowels of it 'fixing it'.
It could be that Janet spoke from experience; it wasn't the first time Sam had been stayed at the good doctor's to recuperate.
"Something wrong Sam?" Janet's voice drifted to her, scattering her drifting thoughts. Sam looked up to Janet sending her a concerned glance from atop the pages of the novel she was reading. Quickly she shook her head, brushing away Janet's concern.
"No, no. Mind's just wandering…,"Sam indicated, refocusing her attention back to the laptop.
Janet was not that easily dismissed because she set the book down and her full attention was now on Sam. "Why does that report have you worried? The General already sent his preliminary findings on to the Air force brass and the president, this is just a formality right?"
Janet watched as Sam thought over the answer in her head. She could see the tension in her features and Janet had watched Sam put off writing this report for 2 days. Procrastination was not in Samantha Carter's mantra. Her CO's most definitely.
Janet had a sneaking suspicion it was more what happened to her that was causing her to hesitate starting the report. Something that until now, had not been discussed, at least not in the detail required for the report. The Doctor had a good idea of what had happened to her from Sam's injuries. Her friend had shut her down quickly however when Janet had tried to broach the subject with the words, 'I'm fine Janet'.
"Sam?" Janet broke the silence again when Sam failed to answer.
"I don't know, just lazy I guess. Im still coming to terms with the fact I'm still so weak." Sam paused for a moment before sighing. "I'm tired, I think I'm gonna go to bed," Sam quickly added, as she closed the laptop and rose as quickly as her body would allow.
A plus avoidance techniques deployed like a pro, Janet scoffed as Sam slowly walked past her sending her a smile meant to reassure. Instead, it just added fuel that Sam was not herself.
"Tell Cassie it's time for her to hit the sack when you go by," Janet called, as Sam worked her way upstairs.
"Sure," Sam replied. "Night Janet."
Janet picked up her book and sighed. Sam's body was on the mend, her mind was another matter.
Janet bolted upright in her bed, brushing the tendrils of sleep from her brain. She had heard a voice, she was sure of it.
She sat quietly, listening intently. Nightmares had plagued Cassie for months after she came to Janet. They had been severe and usually meant a couple hours of soothing before the young girl had been able to go back to sleep, usually in Janet's bed. They gradually came less often, only every few weeks, then months and now it happened rarely.
There it was, a scream.
Not Cassie's.
Janet rose quickly, entering into the dark hallway. Cassie's door opened slowly, the young girl looking to Janet with concern.
"Mom?"
"It's okay honey, close your door and go back to sleep." Janet instructed, grabbing her daughter in a quick hug, placing a kiss on her forehead before letting her go and guiding her back into the bedroom.
"Is Sam okay?" Cassie asked, as a scared voice came from the guest room.
"She will be. It's just a nightmare, remember like you used to get?" the girl nodded her head slowly, the nightmares had usually involved her biological family on Hanka. "I'm going to go try to help her okay? Go back to bed, she will fine." Janet reassured with a smile, Cassie closed her door begrudgingly and Janet focused her attention on the guest room.
Opening the door, she found Sam had tossed her blankets off the bed entirely. She was curled up in a ball, whimpering in her sleep. A sheen of sweat visible on her body.
Janet moved towards the bed, deciding to just try calling her name first. Waking a 12 year old from a nightmare was entirely different from waking a trained military soldier.
"Sam!" Janet called, her voice causing Sam to whimper more. "Sam, its Janet. You are in my house here on Earth. You are safe."
Janet watched as Sam cried out, her arms wrapping around herself. There was no evidence she was coming around, so she slowly placed her hand on Sam's shaking shoulders. "Sam," Janet called as she shook her friend. "Sam."
Sam bolted upright, nearly knocking Janet over and bringing herself into a defensive positioning beside the bed. Janet held up her hands, indicating she was not trying to fight. Her chest was heaving as her eyes darted around the dark room, before locking onto the diminutive doctor.
"Janet?" Sam asked, maintaining her posture as she surveyed the room.
"Sam, you are safe. You're in my guest room, here on Earth."
The wild look in her eyes dissipated as her own senses verified that statement. Sam suddenly felt very shaky and lightheaded. "I don't feel so good," the Major stated, starting to pitch to the side. Janet quickly intervened, standing beside Sam while guiding her to the floor.
"What happened?" Sam asked, as she now sat on the floor leaning against the bed. A cool cloth was placed on her forehead and glass shoved into her hands.
"Take a small drink. You were having a nightmare."
Sam's hand were still visibly shaking after she took a drink, Janet relieved her hands of the task and placed the glass on the bedside table. Her head was starting to clear and Sam could now remember dreaming of being in Nistrim's torture chamber.
"Take some deep breathes," Janet instructed as she began to rub Sam's arm. The woman sat down beside Sam, her arm wrapping around Sam's shoulders.
"I was in Nistrim's torture chamber..." Sam spoke softly, her eyes glistening in the light drifting in through the window. "His voice, his laugh. It was filling my head. And the snap of the whip...that sound. The pain. He wouldn't stop, I couldn't get away."
It was obvious Sam was becoming overwhelmed, her breathing bordering on hyperventilating. Her thoughts drawing her back there.
"I couldn't move. I thought I was going to die..."
Sam's voice was a whisper, it was obvious she was relieving the memories. Janet's hand covered Sam's, whose hands were both drawn into fists. Her knuckles white from squeezing them so hard. Janet softly squeezed Sam's hand, hoping to lend some reassurance. Her friend appeared oblivious to her presence.
"I couldn't breathe, the water. It didn't stop. And I couldn't move."
Sam continued to toil in her waking nightmare, Janet needing to draw her back to reality. The more Sam was focusing on Nistrim, her mind was pulling her back into the dreamscape she had just woken from.
"Sam. Nistrim is far, far away from Colorado Springs. You are safe now. Focus on your breathing. Close your eyes," Janet instructed, as silent tears fell down Sam's face. "Breathe in slowly, and out."
Janet watched as Sam remained trapped in her own head, her chest continuing to rise rapidly.
"Sam!" Janet called forcefully. The authority to her voice brought Sam back to the present. Sam's fingers wrapping around Janet's in a desperate attempt to ground herself, Janet returning the gesture. "Breathe in slowly. Then out." Sam began to follow Janet's instructions, closing her eyes and concentrating on her breathing.
"In and then out. Keep it up. That's it, you're in control. Sam Carter is in control."
Her ragged breathing dissipated and Sam opened her eyes, wiping away her tears.
"I'm sorry Janet," Sam's voice was barely above a whisper. Sam realized she was still desperately holding onto Janet's hand and self consciously let go.
Her hands began to fiddle with her pj top, Sam's fingers tracing the pattern in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. Janet's hand quickly covered them.
"It's okay Sam. You are safe."
"I know. I'm sorry Janet."
"What happened isn't your fault. You survived, you made it home. You saved your team, the lives of Imala and Quinn. You will get thru this."
A soft knock permeated the room and pulled their attention to the door.
"Can I come in?" Cassie stood at the doorway, her face showing her distress. It was obvious Cassie understood she probably was supposed to stay away but was too concerned to wait.
Janet sighed inwardly, her daughter's timing was poor. Sam actually had been in the mood to discuss her experience. With Cassie's appearance however Sam had started trying to pull herself together. Janet knew that Cassie's love could be just what Sam needed at the moment. A reminder of what she had to live for, who she had depending on her.
Janet let Sam be the one to make the decision. Sam nodded her head, Cassie covering the distance in a few steps. Placing herself on the other side of Sam, the young girl wrapped her arms around the woman.
"Nightmare's suck," she stated, making it obvious it was said from experience. "Mom always knew how to make me feel better. She will help you too."
Janet's heart swelled at her daughter's comment, bringing a small smile to her lips.
"Thanks Cassie," Sam replied, trying to reassure the young girl she was alright. "What did Janet do to help you after your nightmare's?" Sam's voice was becoming stronger as the trance of the nightmare wore off.
"She usually made me hot chocolate .We would talk and then cuddle in her bed for the rest of the night." Cassie then smiled, turning to look at Janet.
"Mom do we have hot chocolate?"
Janet smiled, nodding. Cassie beamed, "Sam?"
"That sounds good," Sam agreed, as Cassie smiled proud of herself for making the suggestion.
"I'll put the kettle on," Cassie yelled as she ran from the room.
Sam made no effort to move for a few moments, taking the time to center herself.
"Take your time Sam," Janet stated rising from the floor and sending a smile. "We'll wait for you down stairs."
"Thanks Janet," Sam appreciated the few minutes of solitude. She was working hard at pushing the nightmare away, Nistrim's voice rapidly losing strength. She took a deep breath and got up, fixing her bed before going downstairs.
It was several hours later when the sun was just beginning its rise above the trees, that Sam sat cradling her second cup of hot chocolate that had a long gone cold.
Cassie had reluctantly returned to bed after practically falling asleep in her mug. Janet had kept her company for a while, her presence had a calming effect. Sam knew that her friend had been hoping that she could discuss the base of her nightmares in more detail. Sam found the words were unable or unwilling to come.
The many unspeakable things she had over come while captive were not easily discussed. Sam continued to feel a sense of shame for her capture and subsequent torture. Despite the fact she had escaped and rescued Imala, Quinn and the rest of her team; Sam wished she had been more vigilant upon her exit from the gate what seemed like months ago.
Maybe she could have escaped from the Jaffa who had been waiting for her. Or been able to warn the SGC before the gate had shut down.
"Carter?"
His voice penetrated the stillness, causing her to search her surrounding's. She realized two things, Janet had left her alone and the Colonel was standing behind her.
Sam turned from her perch gazing out the window and her gaze met the Colonel.
"Sir," Sam greeted, surprise evident. She eyed the clock, reading 5:36am. Carter gave him a questioning look.
"Janet called," O'Neill explained. The use of her first name an indication of the Colonel's need to keep things casual. "She said you had a rough night."
Understatement, thought Sam.
"I'm fine sir," Sam stated quickly, trying to reassure her superior.
They continued to stand and stare at each other. O'Neill raised his eyebrow in suspicion, not believing her answer in the slightest.
"Carter...," the Colonel breeched the space between them in two steps.
The second indication that for the moment, he was here not as a military officer but as someone who cared.
More than he was supposed to.
"Sam..."
Jack reached out and rubbed her arms with his hands. At his touch, Sam's eyes immediately began to well. Unshed tears threatening to fall. A soft sob left her lips involuntarily.
"C'mere," Jack pulled Sam into his arms. Her mind was spinning but she forced it to still. She focused on Jack's heart beating steadily in his chest. He cradled her head there protectively.
"Jack...," Sam's voice a shadow of her normally vibrant personality, a few seconds later her whole body began to shake as emotion overtook it. Jack enveloped her body with his arms, holding her tightly as she continued to cry.
It pained Jack to hear and feel her so defeated. The physical shortcomings she had been dealing with over the last month paled in comparison to what was happening in her beautiful brain. Jack had known it was coming. Sam had been very careful to avoid any talk about what had happened to her off world. Expert handling even, of redirecting conversation when it had even hinted to go in that direction.
Jack couldn't scold her for that, he did the same damn thing. On many occasions.
Sam had been at the receiving end more than once.
He could try and tell her it will go away, it would get better.
They both knew better.
It was not the first time either of them had personally dealt with torture. Nor would it be the last.
Sam shifted in his arms, her body taut like a spring. She felt ready to run at a given opportunity. Her emotions were palpable, everything Sam had been holding in since her capture was now overwhelming her. Jack tried to use the only thing he could at the moment, his physical presence to try to make her feel safe and to ground her to reality.
The body was healed enough that it was now the mind's turn.
They stood in Janet's living room for a long time, Sam taking comfort in Jack's arms around her. He was her shield, blocking out the bad and allowing Sam to feel his love. An emotion that they spent 99% of their waking hours denying to each other. At the moment however, that was of little consequence. She needed Jack to protect her and tell it would be okay. And Jack knew it.
Inside that gruff, sarcastic exterior was a man that Sam had grown to admire and care for.
More than she was supposed to.
Despite wanting to spend the rest of eternity in the protection of Jack's arms, Sam broke away sniffling, her gaze boring holes into the floor. Jack used his finger to bring her chin up, forcing Sam to meet his gaze. Her piercing blue eyes glistened with tears, her gaze sad. Jack could see the pain and fear living in her features. He could see her worst fear living there, weakness.
Any soldiers worst fear.
"Sam, you are the strongest woman I know. What happened to you...it doesn't affect how I see you. Or how Daniel...Teal'c...Hammond or the Doc see you. You are not weak. And whatever happened to you because of that snake, well you overcame it. You persevered and you saved our asses."
Sam went to speak and Jack silenced her.
"Ah...you are not going to apologize," Jack warned causing a small smile to adorn Sam's features.
Jack again pulled Sam close to him. Sam leaned in, they stood there holding each other for several more minutes, embracing the moments of solitude together.
Sam's initial anger at Janet for calling Jack was dissipating the longer she spent in his arms.
They stayed that way together until the first indication of movement upstairs caused them to drift apart.
Before they could say anything, Cassie walked into the room and immediately ran to Jack with a smile.
"Jack!" she wrapped her arms around her waist momentarily before doing the same to Sam. The young girl left one arm around Sam protectively. "Feeling better Sam?"
"Yes, that hot chocolate did the trick," Sam smiled and ruffled the girls hair. Jack gave Sam a questioning look, she shook her head indicating she would tell him later.
Janet then entered into the room. She looked to Sam and Jack cautiously, hoping that Cassie had not interrupted an important conversation.
"Morning Sam, Sir," Janet greeted. "Breakfast?"
"Gee Doc, you read my mind." He had put some distance between himself and Sam. Hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. Typical Jack trying to play it casual.
"Sam?" Janet appraised Sam with a practiced eye of a physician. She noted the puffy eyes from crying and the continued hollow look in her eyes. Sam's shoulders did however look a little lighter. "You know your Doctor wants you to eat well to aid in your continued recovery."
Sam smiled. Although she definitely was not that hungry she nodded in ascension knowing it would be a battle otherwise.
"Can we have pancakes?" Cassie asked excitedly as she turned to her mom. Janet nodded and the young girl skipped off to the kitchen.
"Coffee?" Janet asked as she turned, leaving them alone once again and followed Cassie.
"Oh please," Jack called.
"I'm glad you are staying," Sam stated softly before following into the kitchen.
Jack smiled, "Me too," he said to the empty room before following.