Aw guys :( I'm a terrible person for not updating sooner :(. I'll have a longer A/N at the bottom, but I'm really sorry, this chapter is mad angsty.

CHAPTER 13

When I hunted, the animals would look at me, I would smell the fear and nervous energy running through their veins. They would try to run away but we would catch them and kill them before they would be able to feel any more pain than they had to. Their eyes would be looking away when we devoured them. They often looked away while we bit them. But this deer, kept their eyes opened. I saw him die right before my eyes. And I knew about how painful it was to get hit by a car, medical school gives you lessons on what to do when a patient gets hit by a car.

The experience is not short, and in almost all cases, the person either survives, and then goes through pain, or goes through pain and then dies. Only rarely do they die with little to no pain. It's painful for humans, and from research it's such as painful for animals.

I opened the door behind me, slamming it while managing to get out. I stumbled to the front of the car. There was a huge dent in it with blood splattered all over it. Usually cars running into deer can damage the car severely as well as the driver and passengers. But my silver Volvo was built for just about anything.

I looked over at the deer- dead. I couldn't tell how fast the deer died, but it didn't take too long, I only stayed in the car for a little while. I felt the tears brim around my eyes once more. My legs wobbled and I feel to the floor with a thud. My knees were sore, they were throbbing with pain and stinging with the scrapes I got earlier.

I was a monster.

I am still a monster.

I killed a living, innocent animal. Not because I wouldn't kill any humans if I didn't. I killed a deer…with my car. Of course the situation was slightly comical, but honestly. I couldn't run from being a monster? So why not just turn back into one? Bella liked the other monster anyways.

I could never be normal, I could never take away all of the people I killed. I would always be a monster. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was destined to be a monster. How could Bella not see that? How could she take me back after what I did to her?

That was the worst thing I had ever done. The absolute worst. If I wasn't sure that I was a monster, I was sure after doing that. How could I ever think to leave her? And if I didn't come back…Victoria could have killed her. and it would be all my fault.

But how…how could Bella love any of me? The human or the vampire Edward. We were both monsters. Both of us had the ability to hurt her. How could an angel love a monster? How could a beauty love a beast?

I looked at the helpless deer and shook my head. Both monsters, but Bella liked the other monster more than this one. Because the other one was more attractive. And while the other one couldn't give her a family, or mortality, for some reason it gave her more happiness.

And I wanted to give Bella a normal, healthy, long life. I wanted to give her a family, a life together. I wanted to grow old with Bella, and die with her. But if she wanted me to die again for her, I would.

No, but that wouldn't make any sense, why would she want that? I would have immense bloodlust for the first few months, possibly years. And we could never really be together, not while she was human at least. And that seemed to be what she wanted. And I would give that to her, I promised her. And I wanted it too, I wanted her too. But I would surely kill her as a vampire.

And then there was that absurd idea of her becoming one of us. I could never allow that. She is much too pure, too innocent, too angelic. I could never take her mortality away from her. How could she even want something like that? I still never could understand why she wanted me.

I started sobbing, I couldn't help it. The tears started falling towards the ground. They mixed in with the deer blood. I felt two arms wrap around my shoulders. I moved myself so that I was crying violently into their shoulder.

"Shh… it's okay. I'm going to take you to the other car okay?"

I nodded my head as she slowly helped me to the car. She helped me to the passenger's seat and then ran to her side. She took off and mumbled something about taking care of the car and the deer. I leaned my head on the window and stared as we passed the trees. I don't remember what happened or how we got there, but somehow we managed to get back to my house, well my old house, and into my bedroom. She led me into the bathroom and cleaned my wounds.

It must have been hard because I felt like a puppet on a string. She got me cleaned up and helped me back to my bed. I felt completely stupid, like a five year old who fell off of the swings and whose mother had to pick him up and wipe away the tears. I sat down on my bed and just stared out the window into the darkness.

"Edward, do you want to tell me what's wrong? I mean I know it might be a little awkward but, I don't know if you want Bella to see you like this."

I turned my head to look at Miss Daisy. She had a worried expression on her face. She seemed extremely nervous for me. I shook my head, "No, I don't. I never want her to see me like this."

"Do you love her?"

I nodded my head, "Of course I love her. She's my life, without her I would be nothing, a simple fragment in this world."

"And does she love you?"

I looked at her wide eyed, how was I supposed to answer that question now? Especially after what had just happened? She had told me that she loved me various times after the change, but has she changed her mind? Did she mean it truthfully? She would never lie to me, I know that, but I was still confused by what happened.

"I-I don't…I just don't know if she likes human Edward, or vampire Edward. I saw her clutching a picture of her and me when I was a vampire, and I don't know what to think of it, is it possible that she really only likes that side of me?"

She smiled sweetly at me, "I don't think that she would, if she truly loves you, I'm sure it doesn't matter to her. And from what I hear from not only you but Alice as well…she seems to love you, not just the vampire you, or the human you, but the real you. The one who loves her unconditionally. And that seems to fall under the category of both vampire and human Edward. And Edward, immortality isn't what turns you into a monster, it's who you are. And you're not a monster Edward. You hit a deer with your car by mistake! It happens. Beating yourself up over it for not reason is stupid. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. And you've killed people in the past, so what? You regret it, and you didn't harm anyone innocent.

"Immortality doesn't take away purity or innocence. So stop thinking that Bella doesn't love you. And stop hating yourself. You can't love anyone until you love yourself Edward, you gave up immortality for her. You left her and she took you back with arms open, of course she still loves you, vampire or not."

The tears were still falling slowly onto my cheeks, they weren't coming down as fast as they were before, but they were still staining my cheeks. "How did you know all of that?"

"Alice. Don't be mad at her, she saw this happening, and she wanted me to help you. And I think that you should be having this discussion with Bella not me, trust is a big part in a relationship. You two have never been in a relationship before, not a normal one at least. Your biggest problem was the bloodlust, now it's different. You two have to worry about real life problems, and yeah it's going to be hard, yeah you're going to want to crawl up in a corner and hide there forever. But that's the thing, you two will have each other, and I don't want you to let that go. You have to be able to trust her, and believe that she loves you for you, all of you."

I was about to open my mouth to speak when I heard a gentle knock at the door. Miss Daisy went to open the door. I didn't see who it was, I felt tears brim around my eyes again, it seemed as if they were unable to stop. I heard Miss Daisy mumble something about giving us space and then I felt two cold thumbs wipe away the tears from my eyes.

I knew that she would come eventually, she was always there when I needed her to be. And of course I would need her now, I was confused, more than ever, and I didn't know what to do. Should I change back into a vampire and risk harming Bella? No, I couldn't do that. But it would help in the protection from Victoria.

I felt Esme shift around so that she was cradling me in her arms, "Alice called me as soon as she saw this. Are you alright?"

I nodded my head briefly, but then changed my mind and shook it, "No, not really."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

I shook my head once again as I cried into her shoulder for the rest of the night.

BPOV

I took a quick shower and made my way downstairs. I was extremely surprised to find Charlie waiting downstairs. He normally either went fishing or to Billy's house on Sundays. Maybe he was worried about me spending too much time with Edward, I have been kind of neglecting Charlie lately.

He looked up at me, his eyes a little red from lack of sleep, "What kind of car did you say Edward drove?"

"Um, a silver Volvo, why?"

"I was just informed that a silver Volvo hit a deer last night. Apparanetly it was in a serious accident. I only knew of one person who drives one in this town, it was only a few minutes away from here."

I heard him say a few other things but I don't remember them because everything went black as my head hit the ground.

Crying Edward is so sad, I know. And my apologies for not updating sooner, I've had a lot on my plate, I WROTE A STORY ON FICTIONPRESS!!!! Check it out, it's my homepage. It's called Not To Be Forgotten. You can blame that story for the lack of a better update. I really want you guys to read that story, it would make my day!

I will try to update as soon as I can.

Please, check out Not To Be Forgotten, it would be amazing if you guys reviewed to it!