Chapter 12
The next few days...
Kaho practiced daily with the violin that Len had given her. It was cherry red, like her own violin back at home, and probably belonged to a (real) cousin of Jun's. She was learning Len's piece but hadn't allowed him to hear her play. Len had said that he didn't mind if she couldn't play it perfectly and that he wanted to listen but she'd insisted that he wait until she felt it was right.
"I'm going to knock your socks off," she had said to him.
"Ok, I expect you will."
After Len brought Kaho to the place where he tutored, she accompanied him on two more occasions. She practiced there too and had even helped the kids with their stance and bowing. She met his employer, Mrs. M, a kind woman who looked about Kaho's mother's age. That first day—a few minutes into her acquaintance with Kaho—Mrs. M had suggested that Len play something for them and was his accompanist on the piano. Len chose Dvorak's Romance for Piano and Violin, Op. 11.
To Kaho's ears, it was a soothing but melancholy lullaby. That it had made her feel comforted and yet sad brought back memories of the night before Len left for Vienna—when she had been nervous about her competition and felt that seeing him would help calm her down. She'd gone to the Tsukimori mansion and when she finally laid eyes on Len, had been cheerfully persistent about wanting to spend more time with him. She had experienced enough to be aware of what she still had to do and admitted that she had to rely on herself if she was serious about music but since he wasn't always going to be near, she wanted to listen to his violin and play duets while he was still in Japan.
While they still had time...
She remembered that just talking to him about what she wanted seemed to make her happy—maybe she got excited too easily, it wasn't something she could account for at the time—but she couldn't have guessed that his answer that night would have been an automatic and unyielding 'I can't' no matter how she had asked.
He waited until the last moment to tell me the truth about his departure...
No, he hadn't planned to tell me at all.
It made her wonder if he valued the time they spent together.
From pleasant feelings to loneliness, the switch happened after her exuberant asking and his short reply. She had been honest and he had been too with his answer: 'I can't' may have been enough for him when he expected her to just accept where they stood. But it had hurt her more when he revealed the 'why' behind his 'I can't'.
Did he think he didn't have any obligation to tell her how soon he was leaving? She had a right to know. She was his friend, wasn't she? Back then, she had at least thought of him as someone important to her. Now that she had admitted to herself how she felt about him, she realized what had been left unsaid that night.
She didn't want a do-over. She didn't want a chance to go back and tell him her feelings. It didn't matter what year they were in, she just wanted to spend as much time with him as she could.
The beach was on their way home from Mrs. M's but they had yet to stop by so she asked Len if they could walk on the shore at least once and watch the sunset. He didn't object and when the ocean was already in their view, she removed her shoes while she was still on the warm pavement. She tiptoed to the beach. He removed his shoes only when he was at the junction between the concrete and the sand.
As they walked barefoot, she looked back at the impressions of their footprints. Seeing the prints side by side almost made her believe that she was his and he was hers. She brought her eyes around and again they met his profile.
"Do you do everything neatly?" she asked suddenly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the way you eat..." she began. "It's so, um, dignified. Like the way you eat bananas. You stab the stem with your fork, then you roll the fork downward with the peel until you end up with a perfect little boat for scooping banana." She didn't want him to think she was rude but, she had to say it: "Who eats like that?"
She was teasing him after all. Sort of. Just for fun...
Back at Mrs. M's kitchen, they had vanilla and chocolate ice cream with the kids. He did the trick with the banana instead of eating it the usual way and hadn't placed the fruit with the ice cream and sliced it while eating. His end of the table was more quiet that hers because whenever she sliced through the banana, her spoon hit the glass.
"People who have learned how," he answered. "It's not difficult. You can try it next time."
"Next time," she said softly, almost to herself, "why don't you try something that I know how to do..."
She knew what she really meant. She wanted to know what it would be like to watch movies, go on picnics, play card games and go to festivals with him. These were things a couple did together and she wanted to ask him if he'd try—
As friends, she thought. If he'd try as friends...
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"Nothing, just wondering if you would try stuff that I enjoy..."
"Like what?"
"Cooking?"
He winced. "You can help me out," he said. "I don't mind you teaching me."
They smiled at each other and she watched the light and shadows move across his profile, not noticing that she had fallen behind. He looked back and she almost expected him to extend his hand. She was fantasizing a lot recently but laughed at herself right after each fanciful thought—maybe she was just filling in the blanks, putting in her wishes when before there had only been lingering looks. She had often wondered why she loved to watch him, why she always felt especially focused on him and why she wanted him to be good to her. While that went through her head, she anticipated his attention but hadn't noticed how happy she was whenever he gave her the time of day.
I honestly love him, she said to herself.
He probably didn't believe someone could find their true love at the age of sixteen and maybe he thought that other expected and planned for events were more important and took precedence (he would use that word, she sighed). But she believed that she loved him and that this was her story and it was about what applied to her and maybe not to him. She didn't expect to get the romantic declarations but she wanted to thank him for his music, for giving her something to aspire to...for simply existing.
I love you, she said to herself again.
"Jun bought clams for dinner," he said. "If you're interested, I'll teach you how to stack the shells properly."
It made her smile that he tried to sustain their teasing. "I think we're having them with noodles. Did you know instant ramen was invented in 1958?"
He nodded. "My parents took me to the Ramen Museum when I was in grade school. We ate noodles in one of the replica noodle shops they have there."
"Really..."she said. She knew about the museum. It was built in Yokohama but she hadn't visited. She only found out the trivia about instant ramen thanks to Jun who was crazy for noodles.
"My parents and I used to travel together when I was young," Len said. "They still do that now, travel a lot, I mean. We have school so I don't get to go with them as often."
"It's great that they get to spend time alone," she said. She and Len were at the water's edge letting the waves lap up their feet. "Like when they were young and should go on dates."
"I wouldn't know."
"Do you mean about your parents as a young couple or are you talking about yourself?"
"About them. I've never dated though."
Isn't this a date? She wanted to say, as if to clarify things for him. She had her violin and she wanted to ask if they could play together. He might have gotten used to her asking and, she admitted, she liked that he acquiesced directly and didn't make a show out of giving in. But this was different. She wanted to play with him because she wasn't used to his showing affection. Playing together would feel just like it—like a return of affection.
She admitted she was greedy.
Maybe I have been for a while now...
"I keep wondering what goes on in that head of yours," he said.
"I wonder what you're thinking too," she replied. "But I guess you won't tell me unless it's important right? If I have nothing to do with it then you won't tell me."
"That's true," was his short reply.
Then he said: "Are you willing to exchange? Do you have something to tell me in exchange for what I might tell you?"
"Oh," she said. "I just wanted to say that..." she hesitated. "That I enjoy spending time with you. It's kind of refreshing being here with you. It's like we're on holiday together."
Her feelings for him were in her answer—only a tiny portion that she allowed to show in her words.
"It is, isn't it?" he answered. "We wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for those photos. We're in the unknown but I don't mind. I enjoy spending time with you too. I feel like I can relax around you."
It felt like an important admission. She was happy and she wanted to make him happy too.
"I'm glad," she said. "I'm really glad you feel that way."
She grimaced suddenly and it caught his attention. Lifting her right foot, which was the source of the pain, she saw a sharp stone sticking out of the sand. He knelt, asked her to sit on the sand, and examined her foot.
"You attract injuries," he said, taking her foot and wrapping a handkerchief around it. She watched him bandage her wound and blinked back a memory of how attentive he could be when the situation seemed to call for it. She suddenly wanted to cry. It was frustrating to be on the receiving end of his kindness when she couldn't help but want more from him.
Treat my injuries. Tutor me. Take care of me.
She loved his attention.
"Tsukimori-kun," she whispered his name. It wasn't in her voice—that unspoken acknowledgement of her feelings for him.
She was new to this and it didn't help that she wasn't like other girls. She didn't go past being objective whenever she commented on a guy's looks and hadn't imagined what it would be like to have a boyfriend. During the rare instances that she thought about romance, she had only vaguely imagined that being in love would make her feel more care free.
She hadn't expected him or any of the things that had happened between them in the past year.
"I'm sorry," she said. It was almost as if she were apologizing for her feelings. She wasn't going to tell him anyway. "I'm sorry I can't do anything for you," she said.
He frowned at her and said, "Where is this coming from Hino?"
"Are you crying?"
She didn't answer. Moments ago, she felt content.
"I don't understand you," Len said. She could hear the frustration in his voice. "But we're all right, aren't we? Weren't we just talking about that?"
"Yes," she said, finally bringing her face to meet his. She wanted to unknot his brows. "Stop frowning will you."
"You made me frown," he said.
"I'm sorry that I do," she said with narrowed eyes. "I stress you out a lot, don't I?"
"Stop apologizing and regretting what you can't do for me, whatever you think that is. I don't know what it is you expect yourself to do but I'm genuinely concerned about you and it's enough for me that you care what happens to me too. I don't expect anything in return." He paused briefly. "Tell me, what's bothering you?"
It was strange— what bothered her was that he didn't expect her feelings when she felt as if she wanted everything from him. He was still kneeling in front of her.
He can do whatever he wants to do, she said to herself, just as long as she would always be in his thoughts.
"Sometimes, I just don't understand myself," she admitted. She heard him sigh.
"I can't claim that I understand myself all the time," he said as he moved to sit beside her. "I don't think it's easy, actually. I've been confused too."
"Do I confuse you?"
He looked at her for a moment, perplexed, then smiled slowly. "I think you do."
"Why do you seem happy about it?" she said, about to grumble about how he confused her.
"You make me feel a lot of things," he replied. "It's not always pleasant."
Her eyes widened at his blunt admission but he continued. "I mean, I don't like being shook up...You've made me look beyond what I'd imagined for myself. I think you've made me go a little sideways, if that makes sense."
She understood what he meant. They were talking about a life's direction and she knew that he had planned his long before they had met.
"But you've always known what you wanted to do and you'll get there even if...even if I distract you, with me there is still a lot of uncertainty, I'm not as good as you are, and I think I've pulled you into that—I've made you feel unsure because you've turned out to care about me."
She thought she'd made an accurate assessment about her status and his feelings towards it but she hadn't expected his reply or her reaction to it:
"I am not unsure. Not about you," he replied quietly. "I wonder why you aren't as positive."
She looked at him, really looked at him, and thought once more that he could never disappoint her. She had the happier disposition, right? She was supposed to be the optimistic one and yet he seemed to have more faith in her than she did in herself.
"If you're about to apologize, don't," he said.
"I wasn't going to," she answered. "I was going to thank you."
"I can never thank you enough. And that's why..."she trailed off.
"It's why I will always have you in here," she said, pointing to her heart. He blinked. She smiled.
"I'll remember to be grateful to you so I don't screw up," she said. She hoped that was a good enough light remark. She wasn't about to tell him all her secrets in one sitting. No, I'm not going to.
"I feel like I'm going around in circles," he said wearily.
"Huh?"
"It's nothing," he said. "Is your foot ok?"
"Yes," she said, getting up. "I think we can go back now."
She extended her hand to see if he'd let her help him stand. He did and for awhile they stood close. She used the moment to admire his half-lidded gaze.
"You're fascinating, do you know that?" she said, looking into his eyes.
"I think you've made it clear several times how odd you think I am."
She raised her hand and touched his cheek, "Why?"
What was wrong with being a little weird?
Why did she find him so attractive?
He moved her hand away from his face. But she noticed he hadn't yet let go when their hands dropped to their sides. She shook her head.
"I hope I don't make you feel uncomfortable," she said.
But she knew that uncomfortable wasn't the feeling between them now. They were still holding hands and behind his head, she could see a blazing sunset.
"Do you know how lovely you are right now?" he said.
She didn't, and so she tipped her chin up and said, "I will if you make me feel it."
She didn't take her eyes away from him. They were so close their breaths intermingled.
Almost...
And...
"Hino," Len said, "are you ok?"
"Huh?"
"You suddenly spaced out."
She blushed. "I did?"
"Yes," he answered. "What did you mean by 'why?' by the way?"
She groaned. "Let's just go home," she said tiredly.
"Are you ok to walk?"
She tried to bear weight on her right foot. She seemed ok enough.
"Yeah," she answered.
"You can lean against me if you like," he offered.
She held on to his sleeve. "Only for a while," she said. "I really am ok."
She was the weird one with the overactive imagination. But it was ok, because Len was concerned about her and was still holding her hand.
It was the next best thing after a kiss.
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One afternoon, three days prior to their departure, it rained heavily. Kaho had been sitting in the living room with Jun, waiting for Len to get home. Jun was quiet, devoting his attention to eating his cake and drinking his tea. Kaho stared out the window and listened to the heavy drops of rain that beat the roof like a drum. She wasn't sure that Len had brought an umbrella.
"You should have a towel ready," Jun said as he handed her one.
"Thanks," she said.
"No problem," he answered, eyeing her in between sips of his tea.
"What's wrong?" she said.
"Nothing," he shrugged. "You're just interesting to watch."
Len arrived. He opened the door and let in a gust of cold air. He had his jacket over his head, and put his violin case by the door.
"Are you ok?" she said, bringing him the towel. He was soaking wet.
"Yes," he answered. "It wouldn't stop...I couldn't miss the train home."
Jun was watching them. He wore that same look: curious and thoughtful, which he had given Kaho just moments ago.
"What?" she said again.
"Nothing. But feel free to read my thoughts. I'll count on you to eat the rest of the pastries. I'm going to go work on my own romance and practice the piano, whichever urge finds me first."
When Jun had made his exit, Len turned to Kaho and asked, "How's your practice?"
"Just a little more," she put her thumb and index finger close together, as if she held a tiny lump of sugar, "and it'll be just the way I want it."
"Good," he said. Then he sneezed.
"You should change out of your clothes."
He had tried to dry his hair and now the towel hung around his shoulders.
"Ok. I can't sit with you and get the furniture wet."
Promising to wait for him, she drank her cup of tea slowly. He had looked cold and his hands had been cold but the sight of him made her feel warm. There was a 'glow' whenever she saw him. It had been there before but she hadn't paid attention to the feeling or given it a name.
"So, I'm in love," she said because no one was around to hear. Seeing him and being around him was just like being rewarded. Daily. Everyday.
She placed her teacup on its saucer and watched the rain slacken its downpour. Without the steady bass of the rain, she decided she was in the mood for some background music. Getting up from the sofa, she looked through the Tsukimoris' records. One in particular caught her attention:
"I Only Have Eyes For You," she said aloud.
She placed the black vinyl record on the old player and let the needle brush over it like a dragonfly on water.
'Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright
Cause I only have eyes for you'
She remembered looking at Len's profile the first time she heard the song.
'The moon may be high
But I can't see a cloud in the sky
Cause I only have eyes for you'
Tears started to pool in her eyes and she hated herself for being so easily affected. She'd always been looking at him and now she wondered until when she would content herself with just that.
"Do you know this song?" Len said behind her.
She nearly jumped a foot in the air. "Erm, yes," she replied.
His white dress shirt was open at the collar and his hair was still a bit damp. Her eyes followed as he walked to the sofa and drank his tea.
He was fine—her beating heart told her so and her hands, wanting to take orders from her heart and not her brain, lifted a fraction as though ready to reach out and fluff his hair.
"Do you want to dance?" she asked. She lifted the needle from the record, intending to replay the song.
"Hm?"
She wanted an excuse to hold him. "I think it'd be nice," she said. "I really like this song."
He would indulge her, she could feel it. They were in the 1950s and a slow dance would be just right. He stood and she held out her hand, he took it and draped it over his shoulder, he did the same with her other hand and placed his hands on her hips.
"Is this what you had in mind?" he asked as they swayed.
She didn't nod. Her eyes stayed focused on him and she thought that the more she looked at him the more her heart would swell. She was going to end up a hopeless romantic by the end of the song.
' I don't know if we're in a garden,
Or on a crowded avenue
You are here, so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But the all disappear from view,
And I only have eyes for you'
"You should dance more often," she said casually.
"Just swaying is easy," he said.
"Do you always want a challenge in everything?" she asked.
"I can twirl you if you like," he answered.
"If you want to..."
He did and when she was done the song ended too. She twirled away from him and he'd caught her. She looked up at his face, traced his features with her eyes and wondered how she could have stayed blind for so long.
"I didn't realize I had to catch you."
He didn't realize she wanted to be caught.
"You said you wanted a challenge," she said. He hadn't said so but she was kidding with him.
He shook his head, straightened, then let her go. "You're enough of a challenge without the dancing."
"I guess that's why you're the one I'm with," she said.
He returned to his seat and she sat next to him, grinning.
Only you, she said to herself.
"I know," he said.
"Eh?"
"You like me most of all," he said as though he knew it was a matter of fact. He wasn't looking at her; his attention was on the tray of pastries on the table. And before she could respond, he added, "I'm the one you bother most often. At least, that's how you look at it."
She was speechless. Did he just tell her he knew about her feelings for him?
"But I'm not bothered," he said, taking a slice of strawberry cake. "I think you've become a necessary part of my life."
"Oh..."
He smiled at her then and she felt her heartbeat quicken. "I think this experience might be useful for both of us...in the grand scheme of things."
"Are you talking about fate?"
"Yes," he said. "You and I will always be connected. At least, that's my point of view."
She smiled contentedly. His words warmed her heart. "You know, I think so too."
Oh, he took the last slice...There were creampuffs and gelatin too, but she preferred the strawberry shortcake.
"What is it?" Len asked.
"Nothing. I didn't think you liked sweets."
"Do you want this cake?" he said, raising his fork.
"Here," he said, moving closer and raising the fork with the slice of cake to her lips. "Say 'ah'."
"Gah!" she said.
"Hino?" Len asked, the concern obvious in his voice.
Kaho blinked, then focused on him. He hadn't moved closer and wasn't feeding her cake. Was she having another illusion?
"Yes, um..." she said hurriedly. "I'm ok." She tried to smile but it looked like a grimace.
"I'm the one who got stuck in the rain," he said. "Are you feeling ok?"
"Yeah," she answered with a sigh. If he got sick, would he let her feed him? Of course, she wouldn't be feeding him cake...
She shook her head and dragged her eyes away from his face. "I'm fine. Everything's ok."
Outside the window, clear raindrops were clinging to the tree branches. It was evening so the leaves were dark but also glossy after a shower in the rain. She turned her head when, unexpectedly, Len moved his arm around her.
"Lean on me if it'll help," he said, letting her head rest on his shoulder. "We're going home soon, don't worry," he reminded her. At those words, she almost expected him to kiss her hair.
She nodded, the movement barely perceptible, and turned her gaze back to the window. She was right—everything was ok. She was peaceful. They were both warm. While they were together, everything was just as it should be.
.
.
A day after the storm, two days before they were scheduled to leave, Kaho noticed that Len looked under the weather. She asked him about it and he told her that he didn't have a fever and he didn't have a cold. He'd examined himself in front of the mirror and was satisfied. He was a little tired but he wasn't sick.
He'd still been able to go to the cafe and play 'Stand By Me' with Kaho and Jun. It was Jun's idea that the three of them of should play together and joined in with a guitar. Kaho liked the arrangement Jun had written and couldn't help but think of Len while reading through the lyrics. She thought of Len while they had played.
"It's beautiful," she said to Len after their performance.
"Hm?"
"It's a beautiful piece," she said, looking up at him.
If she had someone who would stand by her, she knew she could do anything.
"Inspiration can go a long way," he agreed.
"With the right person," she added, "it can bridge a thousand miles."
He smiled at her then. "I'm sure that's the case."
She opened her mouth, the words were at the tip of her tongue but she didn't have a follow-up to the 'I love you' that she wanted so much to say. She couldn't tell him yet—not when the Kaho that he would be facing when they return hadn't confessed. How would he react? How would she react? It would be as if she had forgotten their time together, as if she had amnesia, and she couldn't make him go through that.
She loved him. She didn't want to hurt or confuse him. She wanted him to feel connected to her...always.
In time, he would know. She would tell him.
"Tsukimori-kun," she said softly. Before he could speak, she wrapped her arms around him. "Let me borrow your strength," she said. "And if you're not feeling well you can borrow some of mine too."
She hugged him tighter.
"This is why..." he began.
"Hm?" she said. He had returned her embrace.
"I said so before," he said. "You've become part of my life."
"I think you said that I'm 'necessary' to you."
He'd sounded as though he had weighed and examined and calculated before he'd said the words. He hadn't said 'I need you', she would have loved that, but he wasn't the type to blurt out feelings or say things randomly. At the same time, he was always direct.
"It's true," he answered, smiling.
"I know," she said, returning his smile.
I know...
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It was a day prior to their departure and Len and Kaho had opted to stay in the Tsukimori mansion instead of going to Mrs. M's. Len felt off balance and had confided that he was feeling worse after Kaho caught him staring at his reflection in the hallway mirror. She'd made the phone call to Len's employer and apologized for not being able to say goodbye in person. Mrs. M understood and wished them safety on their trip back to Hokkaido (that was what Mrs. M knew about their leaving Yokohama...the 1958 version of Yokohama, at least).
Len said he looked bleached, no pale.
"Bleached? Why 'bleached'?" he said aloud.
He told Kaho that he felt "lighter" somehow. As if he were a puzzle and parts of him had accidentally come off and the other pieces that were still intact missed those that were lost. He said he didn't even sound like himself. 'Bleached'? And what was he doing comparing himself to a puzzle?
Kaho supposed it was a reflex but the first thing she did was place a hand over his forehead.
"You aren't warm," she told him.
"I know."
"Do you want to go to a doctor?"
He shook his head. "No. They won't find anything. I just feel strange that's all."
"Have you been sleeping well?" She steered him to a chair next to a table at the top of the stairs. They were on the second floor and it was such a big house, there was always a place to sit. She stood and watched over him.
"I probably just need some rest," he said.
"Ok."
Moments passed and Len didn't speak.
"Would you like me to play for you?" she asked. She wanted to make him feel better and maybe distract him from what he was feeling.
"You want to?"
She nodded.
They both knew it was his song she would play.
.
.
The notes were resurrected as sound but fell from the air like drops of rain. It was appropriate; she played her best and almost as though it were an effort to nurse him back to health despite feeling that she wasn't a big help. They were in the second floor sitting room which was only a few steps from where he had sat in the hallway but he was on the couch, looking exhausted.
Afterwards, he said that she had captured the subtleties within the piece and that her version would be his favourite. She hesitated to respond to his praise. He looked weak and it was more important that she help him.
"Do you want to sit or lie down?"
"I'll sit. Ah, no, I'll lie down."
"Ok."
When she reached for his shoulder it was as if she had reached for air. She tried again. Nothing. She could see him but felt nothing.
She panicked. "Len," she said, not noticing that she had used his given name. "Len!"
He had closed his eyes and she tried once more to grab his shoulders. They were solid again and she was almost relieved until she noticed his hands. They were like a ghost's. She tried to lace her fingers through his but it was like trying to catch a shadow.
"What's going on?"
"Len!" she shouted, shaking him again.
He opened his eyes groggily. "Am I fading?" he said, putting up a hand so it was close enough to inspect. "I wonder why..."
She tried to hold his hands again. She could hold the left but not the right.
"I think,"—he paused—"we might have interfered..."
She held him close. His gaze was half-lidded, sleepy.
"I'll fix this," she said with finality. "I'll go find Lili and we'll fix this."He nodded and she gently laid his head on a pillow.
Kaho's room wasn't far but she ran so fast she nearly tripped when she opened the door and headed straight for a bedside table. The two photos were there, one on top of the other. The first was of Len's grandparents at the Jazz festival: Ruriko looked the same but Jun was fading. The face Kaho had recognized was hers when she first saw the photo was all but gone. But she felt fine and Jun seemed ok too. It was Len who was affected. In his picture, the one her grandmother had taken, he was as light as a spectre. The Len in real life was fading like the Len in the photo.
She slowly slid to her knees. Len said they had interfered but she didn't want to believe he was right.
If he's right, then...
It couldn't be. They didn't do this. They weren't responsible for what was happening.
She had to find a solution. She had to find Lili.
.
.
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Music mentioned in this chapter:
Dvorak's Romance for Piano and Violin, Op. 11
I Only Have Eyes For You
Stand By Me – there is a version for two violins + guitar, which was done by Stringspace; it's lovely but pardon the anachronism since the song was recorded in 1960
Kaho chooses to play 'Song From Secret Garden' for Len, I thought this would be appropriate since he'd been waiting to hear her version.
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Manga references:
Chapter 67
Chapter 57: Len treats Kaho's blisters
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Etc:
The Shin-Yokohama Ramen Museum – It exists. The two underground levels make up the miniature historical theme park which features noodle shops from around Japan.
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We are near the end. Two chapters to go...