Don't own it.

A/N If you want to look really hard, or maybe not even that hard, you will probably find many mistakes in the ritual performed in the chapter. If you are looking for 100% accuracy I'm probably not the writer for you anyway. I had one reviewer point out to me in Complicated that the University of Washington is not in Tacoma Washington as I believed and I spelled Colombia wrong in Destiny for several chapters before a reviewer corrected me. I had Demetri rise from the dead in Freedom to make a reappearance in the last chapter. And don't even get me started on The Human Strikes Back. So on with the story. All errors are mine. Some of the parts of this ritual I just made up ;) Some of them I copied from the internet. Thanks to the reviewers of this story.

Chapter 13

BPOV

I sat by the stream doing what Kay told me too. I prayed. To what I have no idea. But I did sit there and think about my life and myself. I did not feel good. I felt incredibly weak. I was able to hold down the fruit and bread that Kay gave me. And water. She has been making me drink so much water I believe I have officially peed in the woods more than I have inside in the last month.

Kay suggested I focus on the things I have done wrong and ask for forgiveness and then focus on the things I want to do right and ask for strength.

After a while of sitting here staring at the stream and the surrounding woods, I have to say I was really gathering an appreciation for nature. The way everything worked in balance. Beauty occurring all on its own with no help from any outside sources. Sometimes I looked around. Sometimes I stood to stretch my legs. They cramped easily. I didn't stay on my legs for long. They hurt and were weak anyway. Sometimes I sat with my eyes closed and listened to the sounds of nature. Felt the breeze on my face and through my hair. I still craved a drink. After what I went through to get alcohol out of my system I still craved a drink. I wonder if this is what the Cullens go through with human blood?

I don't know where Kay has been. I never see her until I need something. It's like she instinctively knows what I need, whether it is water or bread and brings it to me. I haven't had to leave my spot all day except to go get rid of this water I am filling myself up with.

I wonder what time it is? I wonder what Embry is doing. I missed him so bad I wasn't even mad that he let his mother kidnap me. Although honestly I should be glad he loved me enough to see through my shit. I already had my next escape planned when I begged him to take me back to the hospital. I noticed the sun was setting. It was gorgeous the way the sky lit up. Maybe I could get up to turn around and watch it rise in the morning. It's not like I have anything else to do. Nighttime was not much different except all I had to do was look at the darkness and listen to the howls and other animal noises far off. I closed my eyes and prayed again. I decided I would pray to nature. Whatever God or Goddess was out there, must have some plan for me. Because on reflection there is no way I should have ever survived to live these past two years. Maybe instead of searching for a higher power I should shut the fuck up sometimes and notice the higher power all around me.

I feel asleep on my back at some point looking at the stars.

I woke to the sun rising behind me. I opened my eyes and rolled over squealing. I can't remember the last sunrise I actually enjoyed. I felt like a little kid. I saw Kay sitting behind me.

"Good morning." She was smiling. She had a beautiful smile. She really was a beautiful regal woman. When the bitch wasn't lifting me off the ground by my hair. Scalp still hurts a little from that.

I smiled at her. "Good morning. Where have you been?"

"I've been here."

"I didn't see you yesterday except when you brought me something."

"True. But I never left."

I believed her. Even when I didn't see her I felt her. I could feel her presence. I was beginning to realize now that I was sober I could feel a lot more than I realized around me.

I stared at the sunrise. I was so focused that I didn't notice until I looked up that Kate had started a fire. In front of the smaller dome tent. What the hell?

I got up and walked over to her.

"I want you to drink half this bucket of water."

"Are you kidding? I'll be peeing every ten minutes."

"No, you won't. Drink."

I did as she said but I kept casting a wary glance at the fire she was stoking. There were stones in the fire. She had an iron pan and a set of tongs. She was lifting rocks out and walking into the dome.

I only got about a quarter of the bucket drunk before I felt like I was going to burst. A large part of me wished it was bourbon. I hated that.

"Take off your dress."

I turned around not thinking I heard her right. I saw she was serious. She was naked.

"Uh, you told me this wouldn't be a nature thing that got weird, remember?"

"Take it off Bella. Over the past couple weeks I have seen you naked quite a few times, mostly changing your gown because your ass kept winding up in the hospital. It's not near as impressive as my body. You are about to be sweating. I can't take any chances of you passing out. And Deer Skin dresses while incredibly comfortable are not practical for this ritual. It's just us girls now take your dress off. It's time to get started."

Not wanting my hair pulled anymore I hopped up and did as I was told. I suddenly realized I was standing butt naked in the woods and felt very vunerable.

"Relax. Nobody is around."

"What about hikers?"

"Nobody is around. Trust me. Carlisle Cullen bought this land at my instruction. He had a 20 foot fence installed with barbwire on top about a mile out. Surrounding us. Nobody is getting in."

Cullens? Carlisle? Why would Kay be working… 20 feet? Barbwire?

"He had a fence built so we wouldn't be disturbed by hikers?"

"That's one reason."

"What is the other?"

"You're sneaky. I couldn't take a chance of you running off and getting lost in the woods."

That bitch.

"I could have dug under the fence." I said raising an eyebrow and smiling.

"Not with your hands three feet deep. If you could do that in your condition I sure as hell wasn't going to stop you. Now stop distracting me. It's time to begin."

"Begin what?"

"Purification. We need to purify your body and mind. Follow me into the Lodge."

I walked within feet of it and stopped. Whoa.

"Hey, it is hot in there."

"See I knew you and Embry would have smart children. Get in."

I walked in and Kay followed me. She told me to walk around the pit in the middle I could barely see but could certainly feel in a clock wise direction. She closed the flap. It was dark.

She grabbed my hand and walked me around to the other side. There was a blanket and I sat cross legged. The only light was the glowing of the rocks. But they weren't glowing much.

"What are we doing? Is this like in Empire Strikes Back where Darth Vader walks out and I cut off his head only to discover it was me under the helmet?" What can I say? I joke when I am nervous. And Jake did make me watch the damn movie.

"Bella, shut up."

"Shutting up ma'am."

I could feel the quiet. It made me nervous. I was sweating my ass off already. Gross. I was really going to stink. Kay began speaking. Her voice sounded different. I had never heard her speak like this before. It was softer but still strong.

"Each new day begins in the East with the rising of Father Sun, the source of life and power, dawn of wisdom, while the fire heating the rocks is the undying light of the world, eternity, and it is a new spiritual beginning day that we seek.

We bow to the Great Spirit." Kay bowed her head and I did the same.

"If you feel like you are going to pass out, walk out of the lodge in a clockwise direction."

I nodded but I doubt she could see me.

"I call on the spirit guides of the East, West, North and South, to guide us."

I heard sizzling and felt steam rising. I guess Kay was pouring water onto the stones. As hot as I was I the steam felt good. When I breathed it in I felt the sting in my nostrils.

"Mother Earth, Father Sun, Put our feet on the holy path that leads to you,
and give us the strength and the will
to lead ourselves and our children
past the darkness we have entered.
Teach us to heal ourselves,
to heal each other and to heal the world.

Let us begin this very day,
this very hour,
the Great Healing to come.
Let us walk the Red Road in Peace."

"When I hand you the talking stick you may talk."

I was about to ask what I should talk about but I quickly remembered I didn't have the talking stick.

"My name is Kayla Call. I am from the Makah tribe. I ask for understanding of the spiritual world as I have lost my way in the past and am constantly in danger of losing my way again."

I wasn't sure what I would say. I was getting a little light headed. I felt the stick placed in my hand by Kay.

"My name is Bella Swan. I am from the Spirit warriors of La Push. I…I seek to understand. I have no connection with the spirit world. I want to find you. I want to find me. I need strength." I whispered. Where did that come from?

I handed the stick back in the general direction I felt Kay. She took it from my hand. It felt so hot and wet in here. But it was comfortable.

"We pray now to the West, where the spirit world resides where the sun goes down."

We said nothing. I was lost in my thoughts. I thought about yesterday. I thought about the deserts of Phoenix I loved so much before I came here. The harsh beauty. My cactus I brought with me that is sitting in my apartment.

The forests around Charlie's house. The meadow, Edward used to take me too. First Beach. The ruins in Nevada I visited once. I thought about being lost in the dark and Sam Uley finding me. I thought about hitting the water and sinking under. How precious life is. And I thought about James. James. That fucking bastard. I wonder where he is? I wonder if there is a hell? If there is any justice in this world or the next he is in Hell.

Kay spoke up. I would have jumped in surprise but my body was too relaxed. As was my mind. All I felt was warmth. All I saw was darkness.

"I once got so drunk I passed out on the floor. I woke up and Embry was crying. He was in his crib. His diaper was wet. It must have been like that for hours as it was nearly dry. He cried for hours and I didn't wake up."

I felt the stick in my hands.

"I used Jacob Black to get over my ex-boyfriend even though I know he fell in love with me. I strung him along because I didn't want to be alone. I used Embry to forget my problems. I used my father for support but was never there for him. I chose another family over him to spend my time with, even though he welcomed me in his home and did his best to love me."

I handed the stick back to her.

"I lost Embry in a grocery store once. I took my eye off of him and he was gone. I was drunk. I was very drunk. I kept my son's father's identity away from him because of my pride. And I told him it was for his best." I felt the stick in my hand.

"I used those around me to justify my behavior. I drank to deal with my problems. I not only put myself in danger. I put other's lives in danger who only cared about me. I lied to my father and mother constantly. I lied to the love of my life. I lied to everyone about everything. And when I couldn't tell anymore lies, I tried to take my life. I tried to take away what others had fought so hard for. I was selfish. I hurt the ones I love and the one who loves me the most." I whispered.

We sat in silence for another period of time. I don't know how long. There was no sense of time in the lodge.

"It is time to leave." I saw the flap open and I walked out. I had thought I would be too hot to walk but I wasn't.

The air hit my body and I felt alive. I looked at Kay. I…I…had not word, so I continued shutting the hell up.

"That was the first session. There are three more. Now we go to the stream. We cool off, we drink and we enter again.

When I lay in the stream, steam rose up off my body. There are no words to describe how this felt. After what felt like an appropriate amount of time I realized I wasn't done. I looked up at Kay and she nodded.

"Drink the water in the bucket. Then we can continue."

I did as I was told and once again entered the lodge.

I let the darkness and the heat take me in its grasp.

"This time we pray for strength, courage and honesty. Can you be honest Bella?"

"Yes." I would be. I hadn't been. But I would be.

I felt the stick in my hand.

"James controlled my life. He tortured me and I hung on to it. I blamed everyone around me. He was dead and I couldn't blame him. The one's I relied on left me. I blamed them. I blamed my friends and family for not understanding, even though there was no way they could know what I went through. I blamed Embry for loving me. I blamed the Pack for keeping me safe. I was too afraid to live so I kept hoping someone would kill me. I need strength. I want to be courageous. I need to be courageous. I am a coward, and I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to let him keep having a hold on my life. I need strength."

I gave the stick back to Kay. I expected her to say something similar. Instead she spoke in a language I didn't understand. Some Native American tongue.

"I prayed to my God that my daughter will have strength. I prayed the same many years ago for my son. She granted it to him and she will grant it to you."

The third time we went in, I couldn't stand to be gone. The lodge was hot as hell. But it felt safe.

This time we said nothing. Nothing was said. But I prayed. Once again I didn't know who I was praying to. But I knew there was a higher power. I was a fool to doubt it before. And I accepted that this higher power knows more than I do. Why would I have survived? Why would I survive a fall from a cliff into raging storm waters? What made Leah Clearwater decide she wanted to go for a walk in the rain that night? Why did Paul not stop when it was obvious that I was dead? Why did Jacob decide to go patrolling that night, even though only Paul and Quil were supposed to be out?

Why did Jasper tell me I was worth it? He doesn't seem the type to say things he doesn't mean. When I really needed to hear it, he said it. Why did I cut my finger? A simple paper cut. If I hadn't I would possibly be a vampire now. I would be dead. I would never have known Embry's love.

I can't believe I ever doubted.

The last time we went in Kay told me that it was time to grow and heal.

"All the bad that you have reflected on in the past two days Bella is behind you now. You know it is there but it will not hold you. You have asked for forgiveness. You have forgiven yourself. A time will come when you ask forgiveness from those you hurt. But you have hurt yourself. And you have forgiven yourself. Now it is time to begin healing. When you leave this place of warmth and darkness you will be reborn. The old you will be gone. Your demons may continue to hound you all your life. But you are strong enough to defeat them. If you stay true to yourself. Are you strong enough to do this Bella?"

"Yes." I whispered.

"Say it. You need to believe it because it is true."

"Yes." I said louder.

"You may emerge when you are ready."

I saw the flap open and Kay walked out. I was alone in the dark. My body was slick with sweat. If not for the obscene amounts of water I have drunk I would have been dehydrated long ago.

I closed my eyes and reveled in the warmth. I felt it. I felt warmth not only on my body but in my soul. I could feel my soul. I wondered if I would be able to carry this out with me. One way to find out. I stood and walked out. The air was cooler this time. I shivered. Kay ad already emerged from the stream. Steam rising off her body. I looked at the sky. The sun was setting. It was twilight. I had to chuckle a little. Not a bad time to be reborn I suppose. I rinsed off in the stream and drank. After I had air dried I put my dress back on and walked to the tent. Kay was already asleep. I wanted to talk to her. But watching her sleep made me realize I was pretty damn sleepy myself.

I awoke the next morning and noticed Kay was outside. I could smell food.

I walked out and saw she was cooking breakfast over an open fire.

"How do you feel today?"

"Reborn." I answered without hesitation.

"Good. Eat breakfast."

I ate and realized a few things. I had slept without alcohol and I was hungry. I can't remember being hungry in a long time. I finished and walked with Kay to clean the pans out in the stream.

"Do you want to go home?"

A part of me was scared. Another part of me was ready. Could I be strong away from my camp? Was I ready? Would all the feelings go away?

"Of course you are scared. Courage doesn't mean you aren't scared. It means going ahead anyway."

Edward may not have been able to read my mind but Kay Call certainly could.

"Yes I am ready."

"Then I need you to go get the keys to the Jeep."

Huh?

"Okay. Where are they?"

"Over there." She pointed towards the mountain.

"At the foot of the mountain?"

"No. On the other side. You will find a path. It is rocky but you can make it. Halfway to the summit the path ends. There on a rock you will see the keys. Bring them to me and we can go home."

"You got to be kidding me."

"Nope." She stood in front of me and had some kind of bushy substance in her hand.

"Hold still."

She rubbed it on my forehead and down my cheeks. It smelt…wild.

"Hurry back. I want to be home by tomorrow evening."

I knew better at this point than to argue with her. I started walking. My legs had been feeling better. I felt better on the whole. This shouldn't be too hard. There is a path. At least the view was nice.

6 hours later

If I ever see this fucking forest or mountain in my life again it will be too soon. I have cuts on my legs and arms from branches. I fell on my knee because this so called path is nothing but a goddamn goat trail. I am pretty sure I will be digging gravel out of places only Embry has seen. I was tired. I hurt. My feet were killing me. This path was hell and Kay didn't let me bring any fucking shoes. I still had light. I would guess a couple hours. I thought about turning back several fucking times. But I wouldn't quit. She really would keep me here until I came back with those keys. And I wasn't coming back here. I don't believe I have ever hated and loved someone as much as I hate and love Kay Call. I finally reached the mountain top after sliding back and losing my footing several times. I wasted time looking for an easier path. That didn't work. Now I was going to have to walk back in the dark. Halfway up the mountain I saw it. A rock on a ledge. The ledge as wide so I wasn't worried about falling. Of course I had to pull myself up an embankment to get to on top of the ledge. I guess the goats got tired of climbing at this point and quit. I walked over to the rock and saw an envelope. I picked it up. Seemed kind of light for keys. I opened it up and there was a letter.

Dear Bella,

"I'm sorry dear. I just remembered the keys were in the ashtray of the Jeep. Come back when you get this. But if it is dark you may want to stay the night there. I left a pillow and blanket for you behind this rock. See you in the morning.

Love,

Your future mommy in law, Kay

One of these days she will be old.

And I am putting her in the cheapest retirement home I can find.

While contemplating the different ways to torture my "future mommy in law" I noticed all the light was gone. And the sounds of predators moving below were apparent. I found the blanket and pillow and lay down beside the rock. It was as good a place as any.

I had thought between the ground and my aching body I would get no sleep. So I was surprised when I woke up to the sounds of feet shuffling. I was cold. I raised my head and turned over to see what was here.

I saw a wolf. She had three cubs with her. She was staring at me. She wasn't a shifter. A normal size wolf and her babies. And she was beautiful. She couldn't be real. Don't wolves attack humans?

She laid down next to me and her children moved next to her. She was protecting them and providing warmth at the same time.

"Lucky kids."

She moved toward me. I should be scared but I wasn't. I rolled over and she laid down again. I could feel her fur pressed against my back. I had a million thoughts running through my head. But I was tired again.

When I woke up the wolf was gone. There were no tracks. I figured it must have been a dream. But as I was unwrapping my blanket from my body I noticed loose hair. The same shade as my wolf.

The path down was easier than the path up. It usually is easier going down than up. A simple fact of life I have experienced quite a bit lately. I walked into the camp about noon judging by the sun.

"Where is the blanket and pillow I left for you?"

"I threw them off the fucking mountain."

She started laughing. I should have been mad but I laughed too.

"Did you sleep well last night?"

"Yes. I saw a mother wolf and her cubs. She slept next to me."

I figured I would see disbelief in her eyes. I should have known better.

"Then it is time to go." We walked towards the jeep. I turned around.

"Kay, what about the camp site?"

"Don't worry about it. It will be taken care of. We have a stop to make. Let's go."

I pulled off my deer skin dress and put on my clothes Embry had packed for me. I suddenly missed the feel of my dress.

"Don't worry about it. You can keep it. But the next time you wear it will be on your wedding night."

I didn't say anything. I had never thought much about getting married but the idea of not tying myself to Embry in every way was not worth considering. If he would have me I would marry him. Eventually. And he would have me. We were meant to be. Not many girls get to know that for sure. I was lucky.

Three hours down the road Kay pulled into the parking lot of a metal building that had cars in front.

"What are we doing here?"

"Come inside. Purifications rituals can get you started. The work has to be done by you every day. This is where we start."

I sat down in the fold out chairs. Cigarette smoke failed the air but I had no desire for one. I was actually kind of annoyed by the smell.

I listened. One by one they walked to the podium and spoke. Kay walked to the podium and spoke. I couldn't not cry. But they were so strong. I could be strong.

Kay returned to sit by me.

"Anyone else?"

I got up and walked slowly to the podium. I could feel all eyes on me. I turned to face the crowd.

"My name is Bella Swan… and I am an alcoholic. I don't know when my last drink was because my crazy mother in law kidnapped me sometime last week and I am not even sure what day it is."

I heard them welcome me. And I spoke.