Chapter 11

The Girl That Went to Tokyo

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.

Warning: Some chapters may be triggering

1.

"You know she finally went back to high school and graduated."

"Wow, that's amazing," answered Jess. Rory felt uncomfortable jolt. Who was that girl that sounded so important to Jess?

Before she could contemplate a lot, the girl ended the song, and joined them at the table. Rory stiffened immediately. She didn't want to like that girl- and she knew Raven wouldn't like her. She stretched her face in a smile anyway.

"Hi, I'm Raven, you must be Rory. I've heard so much about you!"

"M-me too." Rory's cheeks burned. She couldn't remember Jess ever mentioning that girl- so how important could she be? Then again, everyone at the table besides her was gushing with respect and admiration for her, and Jess was not quite the most talkative person.

"How is your day in New York going? You're enjoying yourself, I hope?" Suddenly Rory remembered she had an appointment later and felt colder. Her legs felt numb at the anticipation. Was she really- could she really go to that doctor's appointment? "I can only imagine!" The girl continued, and to her discontent, Rory loved listening to Raven's voice- low and raspy, with a sweet note to it. It was one of those voices that make you turn, and that you instantly recognize in the dark. "I love traveling. And thankfully, I have managed doing that few times in the last 2 years. I went to Tokyo last year- Have you ever been?" Rory said she hadn't. "It's so different. You have to go, just the sheer experience of seeing a culture so different than ours..."

Rory's discontent only grew. She admired her, this great girl, the girl that sang, and studied, and traveled, beautiful and cultured, and everything Rory had given up in the last month. The girl that could get Jess- or probably any of the guys on the table- and enjoy being with him. The girl that went to Tokyo.

2.

Once upon a time Rory had been THAT girl. She was never striving for beauty- but ever since Dean and starting Chillton, she wasn't completely blind to the fact that guys found her attractive. She found solace, interest, relaxation, a whole new world in knowledge, and so it was never hard to her to keep up a topic. Taking chances wasn't necessarily her strong suit- she wasn't what she thought of as "adventurous"...but she knew what she wanted out of life, and she was ready to do what she needed to do to get it. She was ready to take a chance if that was what was needed of her.

But that girl was gone, that Rory was gone.

Now she was a shadow, a ghost. She was still Rory- she was still that girl. She was THE girl in the cautionary tales of what not to do. If anyone new, she'd be "poor Rory". She'd never again be THAT girl- the girl that goes to Tokyo. Just the idea of airplane gave her chills. All her university dreams had crashed on the ground pretty hard too- it just wasn't realistic to think she can still have those things anymore.

Deluding herself that she could, well that would mean hope, and hope was her enemy lately. Giving herself a shot- even one- to think that things may turn out better, that could mean crashing even harder when they didn't. She could barely get through the last chance she had taken on someone or something. How can she let herself make even 1 mistake- even half, even a quarter?

And suddenly it just got too much.

"Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom" she said in haste, a little paler, and moved quickly towards the sign "WC" without waiting on a response.

3.

She got into 1 of the cabins and started pacing in place. BREATHE in-BREATHE out. It's fine, it's okay, this meeting would be over soon. Not that she liked Jess, so the girl can have him. Not that what came after was better- appointments, and bus filled with people, and -BREATHE in. She swallowed back the tears. She was negative, and she had no will to get out of that state-hell, she'd earned being in that state. But in any case, she was whole, she was okay, and currently, there were no bruises on her. She had to get some perspective.

"Rory?" It was Raven, and for a second Rory was tempted to keep quiet, but then her natural politeness prevailed. She hated herself for it, but she got out of the cabin anyway.

"I'm here."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, why do you ask? Do I look bad or something?" Rory snapped with more energy than she thought she had in her. Who am I? she wondered.

"No, you look great. I though I had your blue eyes, honestly..." Rory looked at her in disbelief. Surely she didn't think that line would work, would she?

"What do you want?" She was too tired to be polite, and still unable to get beyond the way she was raised- and she hated that too. When you are too nice, people start walking all over you, people think they can do whatever with you and...

"Look, I...didn't mean...There is nothing between me and Jess anymore, I wanted you to know that." Raven's voice was soft and considerate now, careful.

"I am not with Jess."

"I know- but you two are made to be a couple, I can see it in the way you look at each other. And Jess speaks really highly of you."

"All of your friends seem to be in awe of you- you'd think you were a superhero of some kind, like...Superwoman or something" uttered Rory before she can stop herself.

"No Superwoman here-" the girl snorted out a laughter. "They just- we have all been friends for years, and I was very lost until recently. They all were trying to help, and none of it seemed to work at the time. I had given up on singing, on high school, on...everything. They are happy I have went back to all of it."

Rory frowned.

"You don't look lost."

The girl opened her mouth few times in hesitation.

"Rory- Jess told me about you. That you are going through a hard time..."

"What?" but she didn't need to ask what. Raven knew what Dean had done to her, and Rory knew it just by the way the girl said "hard time". Her heart sank.

"That you...you know"

"He- he told you! Why-why would he-he told you?" Rory though she would cry, but the feeling was so absurd that her voice came out more like a small scream- high pitched and unrecognizable.

"I- I'm sorry. It's just that...I have been through the same thing. He thought I could help perhaps. I just wanted you to know I am always open to talk if you wanted to"

Rory looked at her up and down, losing her sense of reality. Was she really talking to Jess's ex-gilrfriend about rape? "You are altogether- I don't know how, how are you altogether?" Rory's voice was reaching registers she didn't know she had, heavy with tears and feelings. "I don't know how. But you are altogether! You are studying and traveling and doing art and enjoying your life and we are NOT the same. I am nothing like you. You can't save me. Jess can't save me. Every freaking person in my life is expecting me to do certain things- study, hang out, work in the paper- like I'm a doll or a box they can take apart and ship off in different directions. And I wish I could please all of them, because they are all freakin' amazing and they love me and they deserve better- but I can't. There is no life left in me, don't you get that? You and me, NOT the same. And now I'm breaking down in front of a stranger" her voice was breaking down to a whimper. "I have to go. You are amazing, Raven, I admire you. I wish I hated you, but I don't. But you can not save me. Jess can't save me. There's not much left to save. I should be proper and tell you I am all f***ing okay, shouldn't I? Well...Sorry"

Rory left abruptly.

"Jess. We have to go." Her vision was blurring and she rushed out, without waiting on his response.