A/N: This story will be written in first person from Naruto's perspective. It is (originally) canon!Naruto, though he's had a rather different go of things this time around. I include the warning here so that you don't think it's some sort of SI; I'm just playing around with another style of writing.

I blinked.

I stared in silence as Teuchi-jii-san placed another bowl of ramen in front of me. Slowly, carefully, I lifted the bowl and moved it to one side, placing it reverently on the counter far out of the way.

Then I slammed my head down as hard as I could.

"Naruto?" came the shocked gasp from Ayame-nee-chan.

"I fucking died again," I growled. "How the hell did I get through that fight with the Snake-bastard the first time?"

"Naruto?" Ayame-nee-chan said again, placing one hesitant hand on my shoulder. "Are you ok?"

I sighed, wiping one hand over my face before turning a smile to Ayame. Even if this was the third time I was living out this particular scene, and the third time Ayame-nee-chan had asked that exact same question, I didn't want to do anything to truly upset her. "I'm doing great, thanks Nee-chan."

"What did you mean, you 'died again'?" asked Teuchi-jii-san.

"Just thinking out loud," I said, moving the bowl back in front of me and picking up my chopsticks. "Itadakimasu!"

Later that night, I returned to my apartment and walked into my kitchen. As always, floating in the air above the counter were three words that apparently only I could see: "Characters," "Inventory," and "Log."

Then I let out a loud whoop as I noticed the rare but always welcome addition to that list: "Level Up."

"Hell yes level up!" I exclaimed.

The world turned gray around me and my view shifted until I was looking at myself from a spot somewhere in front of... myself. Ugh, this whole thing made my head hurt sometimes.

Congratulations! Naruto Uzumaki has achieved Level Five!

No, that made my head hurt, all the time. It was like someone took the words, chiseled them into rock, and shoved the whole thing into my skull. That makes it sound like it was actually painful, though, and it wasn't. It just felt like it should be painful, which is like pain, but... ugh, just... nevermind.

Naruto Uzumaki has five (5) skill points to assign.

Naruto Uzumaki may select one (1) new ability.

Naruto Uzumaki may select one (1) new trait.

I blinked, scratching my chin thoughtfully as I considered the words shoved into my head. "Trait?" I muttered to myself. "That's new."

Choose one of the following traits:

Chakra Battery

Fuinjutsu Affinity

Genjutsu Affinity

Hidden Blade

Kami's Luck

Ninjutsu Affinity

Silver Tongue

Taijutsu Affinity

"Oh come on, you aren't going to explain any of this crap either?" I asked out loud. As always, there was no reply. I know some asshole is listening to me, though, and I'm going to use my Shukaku Special on him just as soon as I find the bastard.

"What the hell does Hidden Blade mean? Not like an actual kunai, right?" I asked.

Naruto Uzumaki has selected Hidden Blade. Is that correct?

"Argh! No!" Make that two Shukaku Specials.

Choose one of the following traits:

Chakra Battery

Fuinjutsu Affinity

Genjutsu Affinity

Hidden Blade

Kami's Luck

Ninjutsu Affinity

Silver Tongue

Taijutsu Affinity

"Kami, I hate you so much."

Naruto Uzumaki has selected Kami's Luck. Is that correct?

My entire body twitched, my hands grasping at imaginary kunai and making rude gestures with them. "Fuck it. Yes," I said out loud. I could definitely use some luck the way things have been going lately. Stupid hickey-giving Snake-bastard and his stupid sword.

Naruto Uzumaki has five (5) skill points to assign.

Naruto Uzumaki may select one (1) new ability.

"Abilities," I stated. It didn't take long to figure out how to get this thing to respond how I wanted it to... even if I did do that unintentionally sometimes.

Choose one of the following abilities:

Dodge (0/5)

Link (0/5)

Overpower (0/5)

Restore (0/5)

Unique: Kage Bunshin Barrage (4/5)

"Ha. Kage Bunshin Barrage, of course." That was definitely my best move – aside from my Kage-killer Sexy Jutsu. That never showed up in any of the lists, though, or I would be boosting the hell out of that instead. "Although I can't tell that it's actually doing anything," I mumbled to myself. I could still use the shadow clones just as well as ever, but it really seemed like "Kage Bunshin Barrage" should be more than what I was doing before.

Naruto Uzumaki has selected Kage Bunshin Barrage. Is that correct?

"Yes."

Congratulations! Naruto Uzumaki has unlocked the following abilities:

Unique: Army of One (0/5)

Unique: One Man Army (0/5)

"Huh? Aren't those the same thing? And what the hell does the uni- ugh, nevermind."

Naruto Uzumaki has five (5) skill points to assign.

Fuinjutsu: 1

Genjutsu: 1

Ninjutsu: 21

Taijutsu: 1

"Ninjutsu. Yes. Ninjutsu. Yes. Ninjutsu. Yes. Ninjutsu. Yes. Ninjutsu. Yes," I droned out. I had to do this every time I got to level up, and it just got more annoying every time.

Level Up Complete! You need 5,843 experience points to achieve Level Six.

Saving Progress...

And with that, the world faded back into focus. As always, I felt a warm sensation start in the middle of my stomach and then rush over my body before quickly fading. I grinned, punching my left hand with my fist – I actually felt stronger, which was always welcome.

Then my enthusiasm faded as quickly as it had come.

"And now I get to go through Kakashi-sensei's stupid ass bell test tomorrow. Again. Yay," I muttered to myself.

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled, stalking up to me as I entered the clearing two and a half hours after the time Kakashi had designated. "Where have you been?"

"Eating breakfast," I replied casually. "Hey, Sakura-chan," I asked, cutting her off before she could launch into a tirade I'd already heard twice before, "what's the difference between an 'army of one' and a 'one man army'?"

Sakura allowed herself to get distracted, though she still huffed indignantly. "Is that supposed to be a riddle or something? They mean the same thing, idiot."

"That's what I thought, too," I said, ignoring the insult with practiced ease. When Sakura said it, it sounded almost affectionate.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted.

"The bastard speaks!" I exclaimed. I stepped to the side, deftly avoiding the expected punch from Sakura-chan while maintaining my focus on Sasuke. I'd ended up dying first this time around, but the time before that he'd let Sakura-chan get killed by the Snake-bastard – I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to forgive him for that, even if it technically hadn't happened anymore.

I wasn't really being fair, since it was just as much my fault as it was his, I suppose, but then again it was his fault the Snake-bastard even attacked our group in the first place.

"Naruto!" Sakura growled. I noted that she looked vaguely surprised, though it was quickly subsumed in her anger. "Stop insulting Sasuke-kun!"

"Ok, ok, Sakura-chan," I said, waving my hands in surrender. I moved to a tree across the clearing from Sasuke and began practicing another version of the tree-walking exercise. Rather than using my feet to walk up the tree, I stuck my foot to the ground and tried to lift it; as soon as I felt the earth start to give, I tamped it down and switched to the other foot. That closet-pervert Ebisu had explained the concept behind this one, something about "reducing my chakra expenditure" and "resistance training."

All I knew was that I could do this exercise without Sasuke bothering me – he'd been more of a bastard than usual when he found out that I already knew the tree-walking exercise and I didn't want to deal with that right now.

Exactly three hours after he was supposed to show up, Kakashi-sensei poofed into the training ground and said, "Yo!"

Two bells, no lunch, sent back to the Academy, blah blah blah. He'd apparently rehearsed his presentation, because it was one of the few things that always happened exactly the same way every time.

After Sakura-chan and Sasuke-teme had vanished into the forest – and I smirked to myself, because I could totally see where both of them were hiding, which certainly hadn't been true the first time around – I turned to face Kakashi-sensei. Even more than defeating the Snake-bastard, I was determined to get an actual, honest to Kami clean hit against Kakashi-sensei during this bell test. I wasn't about to forget about his Thousand Years of Pain, and I certainly wasn't going to forgive him for trying it again... and again... and again.

"The test has started, you know," Kakashi-sensei said, pulling out his perverted book. I knew who had written it, now, but that just made it worse; Closet-pervert and Kakashi-sensei had nothing on Ero-sennin.

"Don't think it's gonna be easy, Kakashi-sensei," I proclaimed, pointing at him. "I'm much stronger than I used to be!" I did just add another point to my Kage Bunshin Barrage, so that should be even more effective this time.

He didn't seem all that impressed, and honestly I wasn't either because he seemed to be dodging me just as easily as the first time around. Even when I pulled out my awesome jutsu I hadn't the first time and swarmed him with shadow clones, he just cut through them like a buzzsaw. I felt vaguely ill watching it, actually, as it reminded me far too much of my recent encounter with the Snake-bastard.

Fortunately, Kakashi-sensei didn't decide to separate my head from my shoulders. He did, however, finish off the last of my clones without even bothering to put his book down.

"Just spamming clones isn't going to get you anywhere, Naruto," he chided. "You're just wasting chakra like this."

"Argh!" I yelled, grabbing my head in frustration. "What the hell is it going to take? I just hit level five, my ninjutsu should be even stronger now, and I've got all the points I can in Kage Bunshin Barrage-"

I felt like cold water had been dumped over me for a moment, but the sensation faded as quickly as it had come. My jaw dropped open as I watched a series of clones seemingly pop out of nowhere and launch Kakashi into the air.

"U- Zu- Ma- Ki- Naruto Combo!" they announced as they smashed Kakashi-sensei into the ground.

I stared at his fallen form, my brain slowly processing what had just happened. My mouth opened and closed a few times before I choked out, "I have to say it? That's it? It doesn't actually do anything unless I say Kage Bunshin Barrage?"

I felt the same bucket of water sensation again, and a moment later I heard wordless yelling coming from behind me. I turned around to see a visibly startled Kakashi-sensei get whipped through the air by a chain of clones holding on to one another's feet. They slammed him into a tree, hard, and then dispersed.

"That's a neat trick," Kakashi-sensei said from behind me. "It looks like you've been practicing quite a lot with the kage bunshin jutsu."

I twisted around, trying to catch him with a backhand, but he just leaned out of the way, his eye contorted into a smile the whole time. Despite missing, I was grinning widely. "I'll get you this time! Kage Bunshin Barraarrghg!"

"Konoha Taijutsu Ultimate Art: Thousand Years of Pain," Kakashi-sensei called out as I arced through the air and landed in the nearby lake with a splash.

Bastard.

A/N: Inspired mainly by "Naruto: Game of the Year Edition" (which needs to update more, dammit!), have YetAnotherVideoGame Fic!

Two major differences from the start, though.

One, there isn't going to be some supreme being running the game for their own amusement. Or rather, there will be (as witnessed by the passive trolling of Naruto above) but they won't be an actual character in the story. Second, I'm going with a bastardized D&D RPG style system, with a mix of base stats (in the character screen, not shown yet), skills (fuin-gen-nin-tai), abilities (active, with trees and skill requirements) and traits (passive, with trees and skill requirements). The "game," even if Naruto doesn't understand it, will follow consistent rules.

I'm undecided if I want to use Achievements or not. They can be fun(ny), certainly, but I'm not sure how I'd fit them in yet.

Also, I'm going with a version of Naruto at least close to canon, though he'll be a little smarter and wiser than the canon version. He's already losing his obsession with Sasuke because no, but I may try to salvage Sakura as I go through the story.

There's one other aspect to the game system that I don't think anyone else has done before... *evil grin*

And damn if the idea of Naruto pumping all of his points into "ninjutsu" because he thinks it's awesome doesn't strike me as hilarious.

Oh, and if anyone has any ideas for the title of the story, let me know. I'm pulling a blank for anything that isn't absurdly literal or a reference to an existing game (Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn, in this case). I didn't want to use the "Cage" theme, as this isn't Kuushou.