This chapter contains flashbacks. I'm thinking that the next chapter will be the last one :) It's been very fun writing this! Please review and let me know what you guys are thinking! Thank you so much!

Looking Backward/ Forward

"Is something wrong?" Zoe had asked cautiously, watching her girlfriend shuffle through the papers on her overcrowded desk. "Is there something I can help you with?" she asked soothingly. She had seen a change in Taylor the last two months; she wasn't being completely cold, just a bit apprehensive lately. She had attributed it to the fact that finals were soon; she had remembered what it was like to finish up her semester work and prep for finals and it was never fun. Therefore, Zoe tried her best to cut Taylor some slack. Even though Taylor invited her over every night, or came over to her place, Zoe could feel a stark difference lately. She didn't want to believe it was because they had made love. Please don't let it because it made love. Zoe thought it was good, no, she was good even though she was inexperience; but maybe she wasn't. Maybe that was why Taylor was acting funny, or different, or whatever it was. "Taylor," she said again and this time Taylor actually looked up and smiled.

"Sorry," Taylor said, flopping back into her chair and rubbing her eyes. She had just gotten to her apartment about thirty minutes earlier and before she could slip off her shoes, Zoe had already arrived. She thought she would at least get time to change, but it didn't matter now. "I'm just looking for a mathematical chart and I thought it was here, but it's not…" she frowned.

"Oh," Zoe mouthed more than actually said. "You have just been a little preoccupied lately. Am I getting on your nerves? Should I give you some time to study or something?"

Taylor leaned her chin on her knuckles and put on her best confused look. "What are you talking about? You know I could never get tired for you." She realized she hadn't kissed her girlfriend since Zoe had arrived. "Come here," she took Zoe's wrist and pulled her down onto her lap. Tilting her head slightly she pressed her lips softly to Zoe's. "Hi…how was your day?" she grinned that grin that made Zoe's heart melt.

"Good," Zoe said kissing her a bit more deeply. "How about yours?"

"Well, I've been working on a special project…" Taylor started but stopped when her phone started buzzing. "Geez," she whispered picking up the device and scrolling through her messages. "It's Jessica…she needs me to run upstairs for her. She thinks she left on her stove or something…" Jessica was Taylor's best friend, and the only one that could continuously put up with her nonsense, besides maybe Zoe. She lived upstairs on the top floor, which Taylor envied, because even though her apartment was smaller in space, she had access to the glass roofing on one side of the building.

Zoe pouted and wrapped her arms around Taylor's neck. "Just let her apartment burn down," she teased. "I haven't had you alone and focused for weeks…"

Taylor removed Zoe from her lap and stood. "Come upstairs with me, it'll take five minutes," she promised.

Zoe rolled her eyes at the idea; still it wouldn't hurt to travel upstairs with her girlfriend. Taylor climbed the twenty three stairs that lead to the upstairs apartment with more enthusiasm than Zoe had ever seen anyone climb stairs. Taylor waited patiently at the door for Zoe to catch up as she walked to the end of the hall where Jessica lived. "You could have gone in without me and cut the oven off and we could be headed back downstairs," Zoe laughed. Taylor frowned, and Zoe had to remind her that she was only joking.

Taylor turned the doorknob and pushed the door open and waited for Zoe to go in first. Zoe stepped in the room and stopped immediately. She turned and looked at Taylor, who was now beaming as she ushered her into the room and closing the door behind them. "Wh..what is all of this?" Zoe couldn't help but stammer. "Taylor…"

In knowing that she wasn't the best with romantic ideas, Taylor had enlisted her best friend to do something; actually her words were "ANYTHING" that would be considered romantic. And with some bribing and all the money her father had sent her for her birthday, Taylor had convinced Jessica to transform her apartment for what she was sure would be the most important meal for her life. "Come on," Taylor took her hand and gently led her to the table on the other side of the room. She looked up through the glass ceiling on that side of the room. It was only the middle of November, but they had already experienced two snow storms this fall. "It's snowing," Taylor commented as she held Zoe's chair out for her. Zoe could only look around the room, at the soft candle light and the fresh dark blue linens and matching blue and white China settings.

"Taylor, what is all of this?" Zoe managed before looking up at the sky. Soft snowflakes were falling and disappearing on the glass structure above them.

"I can't do something nice for my girlfriend?" Taylor questioned innocently. She disappeared around the corner to the kitchen area. "I tried my hand at some cooking …so be gently," she yelled back at her girlfriend. Zoe sat up anxiously waiting for Taylor to return. "Jessica got wine too, I didn't know what you drank …but…"

"Baby, I love it …all of it so much," Zoe gushed.

"Yeah," she peeked around the partition. "You haven't tried the food yet," she smirked. Amazingly enough, the salmon and asparagus looked edible when Taylor checked on them. She, of course, realized that this was more a testament to Jessica than to her, but she was impressed with herself nevertheless. "Is it terrible?" she questioned while pouring Zoe some white wine she had never heard of before. Basically, she knew what a chardonnay and a merlot was; anything other than that was foreign.

"Baby," Zoe said cupping her girlfriend's face when she bent down, "stop it. Why are you so nervous?"

"I want everything about tonight to be perfect…like so I can remember it for the rest of my life…" which didn't sound awkward until it came out of her mouth. Taylor put down the wine bottle on Zoe's side of the table and shook her head, trying to compose herself a little. "That sounded really stupid didn't it?"

"No…I wanna remember every second with you," Zoe said relating to the feeling.

She had planned to wait until dessert...she had attempted a chocolate mousse that had fallen and was remade by Jessica, but her nervousness and excitement was getting the best of her. "I'm not good at this stuff," Taylor decided finally. Zoe looked at her sympathetic and then questioned.

"Babe, what stuff?" she took a sip of her wine and waited for Taylor to answer her. It seemed like Taylor was thinking about a response, until she just shrugged and turned to leave. She disappeared behind the partition separating the living area and kitchen. Zoe took a deep breath and followed Taylor. "Taylor, just talk to me…" she said taking Taylor's hand, but Taylor pulled back a bit and leaned against the cabinets.

"Your dinner is getting cold," she threw off her real feelings. She wasn't ready…

Zoe stared at her for a moment, disappointment clouding her blue eyes. "Okay," she turned, but Taylor stopped her.

"Zoe, I'm not doing this on purpose…I just get nervous with you…"

"You don't get nervous with anyone, Taylor."

"There are a lot of things I can't articulate to you, Zoe."

"Try…please," Zoe pleaded.

"I love you," it was the first time Taylor had said so unprompted. She would always return the phrase after Zoe had said it, but this was the first time she had ever started a conversation with it.

"Why is that so hard to say?" Zoe closed the gap between them. She desperately wanted Taylor to be open, share her feelings, be comfortable professing her love, but sometimes she just felt like Taylor didn't feel anything at all.

"I don't know, Zo…" she frowned. "It's scary, feeling like this."

"But it feels kinda great too right?" Zoe probed, cornering Taylor in the place where two cabinets came together. Taylor nodded and Zoe stood on her tip-toes to kiss Taylor's forehead. "Then what's the problem?"

"I want to marry you," Taylor's voice cracked a bit from a mixture of fear and frustration. This wasn't how it was supposed to go…and the look on Zoe's face told her that she had screwed up. Taylor's head dropped a little, but Zoe placed a finger under her chin and raised her head until their eyes met again.

She cleared her throat, sure she had heard something wrong, "What did you say, Taylor."

Taylor was no more settled now than she had been moments prior. She sighed. "I want to marry you."

Zoe took a long smooth breath, now sure she had heard correctly. "Then ask me," she implored.

And for the first time ever, even though she was terrified, Taylor followed her heart. She brushed Zoe's hair back and cupped her face. "Zoe, if I make you even a tenth of as happy as you make me, please do me the honor of marrying me and I swear I'll spend the rest of our lives making you the happiest woman alive." She dug into her pocket and pulled out the newly fitted ring diamond ring that, if she had been on time back home, she would have been able to put in the black jewelry box. But instead, it had been patiently waiting in her pocket, waiting for the perfect moment when Zoe's eyes had lit up and Taylor was sure she would say yes. But that moment had been blown perhaps, with Taylor's fear and cowardice. So now, in that moment, she took a deep breath in and waited what felt like an eternity.

The exuberance pinged from Zoe's mind from the words, then to her mouth and finally to her eyes. "Yes…I would love to marry you," she whispered.

Present Time

And then there was the sunken feeling in the pit of Taylor's stomach as she absorbed the verbal blow her wife had just thrown her. She was passing her off, in Taylor's mind, saying that she belonged with someone like Rashida and that hurt, oh so badly. She was not as cold and callous as Rashida, or was that just her hoping that she wasn't? She backed away as Zoe tried to close some of the space between the two of them.

"I didn't say that well," Zoe was frightened by what she had said. If Taylor already wanted to runaway emotionally, this would definitely build an ice-chest around her heart. "Baby, I just want all of you…" she tried to reiterate. "Taylor…" she finally got close enough to touch Taylor and she cautiously directed her brown eyes to her blue ones. She was crying now and the blue irises looked like small pools of water at the center of her face. "Do you remember the night you asked me to marry you? I would give anything to feel as close to you as I felt that night…"

"Where did you get my ring from, it's gorgeous?" Zoe said kissing Taylor's breastbone. They had barely made it through cleaning up Jessica's apartment well enough and made it back downstairs before they were ripping each other's clothes off. "Thank you," she whispered, positioning herself on the side of Taylor, but leaving her hand on Taylor's trembling stomach.

Taylor let out a soft breath and removed Zoe's hand, kissing her fingers patiently. "Trust me, I should be thanking you," she said pulling her fiancée's ear with her teeth. "You have been AMAZING tonight…" Taylor said referring to the sex. Engagement sex was mind-blowing.

Zoe cocked her head to the side, "I didn't mean that…I meant for asking me to marry you." She lay her head on Taylor's shoulder and laughed. "You are so nasty…do you concentrated on anything besides sex?"

"I'm also thinking about how great that ring looks on your finger," Taylor replied. "I'm sorry it's so …modest…but it was my grandmother's. I promise that whenever I get money…we can pick you out another ring…"

"Babe, this is my ring, the only ring I want," Zoe cooed.

"My grandmother adored my grandfather and although they lived a modest life… they loved each other so much. She always wanted me to fall in love and love someone like she loved my grandfather. Of course, she always thought it would be a guy. So when at fourteen, I finally got up the nerve to tell her that I thought I may be gay; I was scared she was going to hate me. It was the beginning of the summer and I had to spend a month with my grandparents on their farm. For three days, she said very little to me… but on the fourth day, she woke me up at like five in the morning and took me downstairs to the kitchen. She was making jam for her entire church and she wanted me to help. Well, in the process of making jam, she baked like seven or eight different things and she just poured her heart out to me. She told me about her childhood and growing up, and my father's childhood; stuff I had never heard before. And then she took her engagement ring and put it in my hand." Taylor wiped away a tear that she didn't realize was there. "She said she didn't really understand "being gay," but it couldn't be too bad if her favorite person was it. And then she told me give this ring to the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and build a family with, because that's all that mattered. Love and family."

Zoe wiped Taylor's eyes, "Am I going to meet her one day?"

"She died a month later…and my grandfather died a week after that…so I don't think so," Taylor answered sadly. Taylor saw the sadness creep into Zoe's eyes. "But baby, they would have loved you."

"Are your parents going to love me?" Zoe had to question.

Taylor grinned and kissed Zoe's forehead. "Yes, my father will adore you and eventually my mother will love you too. But we are still working on her liking me, so don't hold your breath at first…but around year twenty…" Zoe ignored Taylor and rubbed her hand up and down Taylor's side. "Zoe, my grandmother believed in family and I know this sounds selfish, but I don't want to wait too long before we become family…I want to get married soon."

Even though she hadn't told her parents, or siblings or even friends, Zoe completely understood the feeling. "I understand the feeling…I'll call my parents tomorrow morning and see if they can come in the next week or two…we can do something super small if you want…"

"I want you to have the wedding you dreamed of …the wedding you deserve. We can wait...I don't want to pressure you into something you don't want and then you regret it," Taylor said sitting up a little.

"As long as you are there…"

Present Time

"Are we going to make it?" Zoe felt sick even asking the question. She rotated her engagement ring and for the first time ever, thought about how it would feel to remove it. A pain she couldn't even describe stuck in the middle of her stomach.

"Of course we are going to make it," Taylor said without any hesitation. "We are just practicing an exercise in kicking each other in the chest." She made her way over to the bed and stretched her arms before falling back on the mattress. "You make me feel everything at once, Zoe and I'm not used to that. It doesn't mean I don't love you or don't care…but I've always been the person to gloss over emotions or push them away; I just never thought this would hurt the person I love the most." She could feel Zoe sit beside her on the bed, still hiccupping slightly from her crying session.

"Sometime I don't want to feel anything either, Taylor," Zoe lay back in her wife's arm and scooted up until they were face to face. "And then I come home and see you there and everything is just open again and I feel everything."

Taylor turned to look at Zoe. She didn't know what to say next. She knew what she wanted to say, but it would sound so stupid. It felt stupid, to be comparing this moment with her wife to the one with Rashida, when she left her. But the fear was still there, "Are you going to leave me tonight?"

And as if she already knew what that meant, Zoe huffed, "Like Rashida?"

"It's not a comparison, I promise."

"I saw her…she's somewhere in this hotel." Zoe sat up. "God, I still can't see what you saw in her…" and then it dawned on her and she rolled her eyes, "never mind. I would never leave you in a hotel room, babe."

"Can we just compromise?" Taylor asked sitting up too.

Zoe smirked at the notion. "I don't know how we compromise on something like this," she stated honestly. "I just want you to be open and I don't know if that is something you can learn…" She could see the water pooling in her wife's eyes and sighed, "Taylor," she said wiping an escaped tear from her wife's face. She leaned in and kissed Taylor's tear streaked face.

"What do I need to do?" Taylor asked humbly. Zoe honestly didn't know…she only knew that she didn't want to lose her wife. When she said nothing after a while, Taylor stood up from the bed and walked over to the dresser. Zoe was close behind.

"I don't know … but we'll figure it," Zoe vowed. "Because I'm not going to lose you."

Taylor turned and pulled Zoe into her arms. "I'm not going to lose you either."