The Inquisitor was engulfed in her new book for the coming weeks, not even paying attention to Viviennes remarks about her clothes or manners as they stayed at the Circle since Lavellan refused to travel with the tome until she could craft a perfect protection for it.
She read from the moment she woke up until the moment her head fell down upon the old pages as she collapsed into sleep, eating what ever was put beside her and scribbling translations in another book on her right.
One time she scribbled on Josephines arm because the poor ambassador had moved the note book to make space for some tea for Lavellan. Lavellan had scowled and mumbled that she didn't like tea, and reached for her notebook feverishly copying the notes from Josys arm to the paper.
She moaned when the others forced her to walk the gardens or meet people who had come to see her now when she was in Orlais and in a civilized setting. She grunted as Cassandra tried to talk Inquisition business with her or when Varric sat down to spend some time with her telling jokes.
She rose from her chair and left, books piled up to her nose when Dorian and the others tried to make her join a game of wicked grace and finally, one night when Varric for the fifth time made her move out of the room for some peace and quiet she roared;
"Halam sahlin! You will stop interrupting me with your meaningless blubbering or may Dirthamen be your friend so he will shield you from my wrath!"
"Looks who talks like a crazy person," the dwarf sighed and slid a bottle of Junpier brandy her way "Sparks. Give me five minutes, and just listen. If you still don't want to see reason after those five minutes, then I will leave you alone. Just give me those minutes,"
She snarled and slammed back into her chair glaring at him;
"Five. Minutes,"
"I'm glad you are so happy with your new book, and that you and Vivienne have come to some kind of truce. I am just worried, because you are acting crazy,"
"I'm not,"
"Listen, you promised you would listen,"
She pouted, but listened. He was right, she had promised that. Of sorts.
He walked around the table and sat down beside her, slowly closing her books after making sure he had marked the pages she was at. He looked at her, and sighed;
"He won't be in a book, Sparks. He does not want you to find him. I know it hurts, by the Maker, I know, but at this rate he is not the one hurting you. You are. So please, stop it,"
"What are you talking about? I'm just translating a book, a tome of my people that have been lost for eons! This is..." she bit her lip and felt hot furious tears burn in her eyes.
Solas. Blighted egghead. She hoped the Dread Wolf caught …. no... no she didn't. Because he probably was the Dread Wolf and the thought of him catching himself made a silly picture in her head. Oh well, he could catch himself. He could chew of his own blighted head, what did she care!?
"Your not listening again," the dwarf sighed and she snapped back from her rage to reality "You are doing this more often, not listening,"
"Sorry" she mumbled "I just... had a picture in my head of Solas being both him and the wolf and the wolf hunting itself, and him, and then chewing his blighted egg head off,"
It made no sense, she knew it as she said it and she got it confirmed when she saw Varrics long worried gaze.
"... Like I said. Acting crazy. Bull have tracked down a dragon, please go with him and hunt it. It will take just a few days. Some fresh air and excersise will do you good,"
"I need to translate this. You don't get it..."
"No, no I don't. You have not made any efforts to explain either,"
She groaned and sighed for a moment and leaned back, staring at the tome. She wanted to continue to read it. To understand all that had been lost.
"It is a Keepers place to remember," she mumbled unable to meet his gaze "We are entrusted with that, to remember our culture, our history, and to preserve it,"
"But do you need to do that like this?" he asked softly "You need to function as well. I understand it is a big deal, that it is important to you to preserve and understand as much as you can but Sparks... The world is happening now. This,"
He put a hand on the book and caught her eye;
"This is a dead book. I know, I know, don't get mad, just listen. The people in this book, are dead. You are no more like them then I am like the dwarfs that founded Ozammar. And we will never be like our ancestors. We are we, we live in our world, in our time. No one can go back,"
"You could never understand," she whispered with a strained voice fighting back tears "I am Dalish. I... We are the last of the Elhven. We do not surrender what we are. We will remember. We will not..."
He sighed and left his chair to take the short few steps over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders and leaning his forehead against hers;
"Please tell me what this is about Sparks. You are not making sense. You are a smart person, brilliant even. What is this?"
"He is a liar," she croaked with a broken voice "I bought his lies. All of it. I... I want it to be lies. All of it. All the things he said about us, about the People, about our Gods. That we were slaves. That... it can not be. We can't do that. We can't go from... We are not slaves!"
"No, you aren't," Varric mumbled and stroke her hair "It doesn't matter if that was true, Sparks, it doesn't. You aren't slaves any more, no matter what was before,"
"And if he... If it wasn't lies then..." she felt her chest grow tighter "This book... It fits what he said, not from his point of view but it... I... Everything we knew... everything we remembered about our past, about us, was just fairy tales. You can't understand that. You can't... He must have known...he tried to tell me but he didn't say enough... He knew me didn't he? He knew I would need answers. He had them. All this fucking time he had them... and he just left. He left me with all this...shit... running through my head, that I can't make sense of. He took everything I was, and left me with nothing,"
"You are not nothing," Varric mumbled holding her as she fought the panic rising inside of her "And you are freaking out. It... Maybe I can't understand it, but... Staring at the past won't give you much more then seeing the past. There are still elves in the world, suffering, lost, and they need you. It is great if you can maybe translate the book so others can read it and learn something but... Sparks, look at me, Keepers are leaders too, no? The world needs you out there. Living. Not here breaking your mind over him nor history. You are far more then nothing, you are more then most in this world,"
"I'm not" she mumbled "I'm... I am Ellana Lavellan, not some Herlad of Andraste, no Keeper, I'm... It was just chance that landed me here,"
"No," Varrics voice got stern "It was not chance that landed you here. Chance might have put that mark on you, I'll give you that much, but chance did not make you lead us all to victory and save the world. You did that. Don't forget that,"
"I..." she sighed and sniffled a bit "I feel so... This is what I want to do Varric. I want to read, find things, rebuild all the things that just got snatched from us. We deserve more then arravals and fucking shems running us off as soon as we are no use for them. We deserve more then allianages. To be treated like we are dirt. If he..."
"I don't give a flying fuck about what Chuckles thought," Varric said making her head snap towards him in surprise of his words "Chuckles had given up on the elves. It doesn't matter. He isn't here. You on the other hand, and what you do, matters. You are here, you have the opportunity. You have the gusto to make the shems crawl to you to beg forgiveness for past wrongs against your people, if you want them too,"
The last words were spoken with a glint in his eyes and she smiled, a little.
"...maybe... I'm just... I hate winters. I really do. I hate...I can't sleep, maybe that is why I'm so strange,"
"Why not?"
"...I fear I might run into him. Or not. Either way...Imagine that, just for a moment. That a person that hurt you so much you don't know who you are any more might show up in your dreams, for real. And you miss them. You miss them so much that your heart feels like it shatters daily but still... I don't know..."
"I think I understand," Varric mumbled, clutching her hand in his.
She thought he did too.
"But you still need that sleep," he concluded "Maybe you should try having someone next to you, so you won't be so alone?"
"Like who?" she mumbled "You? Will you be my sleep buddy?"
"I don't even dream..." he said with a small smirk "I don't know. All that dream stuff is weird to me. Sleep is sleep, not running around in the fade experiencing stuff,"
"I wish" she mumbled "I wish I could just.. not dream,"
He nodded and gave her knee a pat. She looked at the book and sighed. She was very tired.
"I'll keep you company tonight, Sparks," he said kindly "At least if you wake up, I'll be there to tell you a night time story or two,"