I, Synth pt. 13

Ridge and hollow, painted with the early morning light that filtered through the rough walls of my Sanctuary room.

I resisted the urge to run my finger over them, knowing from experience that it would not be appreciated. So instead I lay there and watched them shift with his slow even breaths. Clothed, his thin frame was hidden, likely intentionally, swathed with layers to make him look bulkier. An intimidation tactic, perhaps. And though his ribcage was prominent as he lay there, facing me, his sleeping face peaceful and sated, it was overlaid with a layer of deceptively sleek muscle.

In the weeks that had passed since our return eventually I had come to terms with the urge to feed him.

My eyes closed, a slow blink, before I forced them open once again to watch him.

I was tired, so tired, but I wanted to savor every moment I had before I knew I would never see this sight again, his body, half-covered in a sheet, caressed by the diffuse light of the waking day. Would that we could stay like this forever, that I didn't spend every moment…well, not every moment, but most, thinking about the moments that would never happen.

I couldn't resist. I reached out and, ever so lightly, ran my finger over his side. As I had expected, he woke with a start, his shockingly blue eyes snapping. I met his glare with a sheepish smile as his fingers curled over my wrist, stopping the journey of my finger. He rolled over, taking me with him.

A half-hearted squeak left my throat as I ended up atop him. He looked up at me, his glare softening as his other hand reached up to smooth the hair away from my temple. I tilted my head down and he met me halfway.

"Good morning." I murmured against his mouth.

He grunted, and we didn't talk much after that.

Soon, I thought, when the slanting light had shifted appreciably and I watched his back while he dressed.

And I hated myself just a little bit more.

Holly hadn't been wrong when she told us that Sturges had his hands full. He had literally welcomed me with open arms the moment I walked into Sanctuary, no doubt alerted to our approach by the perimeter guard.

"Good." He had said baldly, clasping my shoulders. I could feel the heat of RJ's glare on the back of my neck. Sturges didn't seem to notice. "Rest up today. I'll catch you up tomorrow." He had released me and walked off, purpose in every step.

The apparatus loomed above me, so out of place on its concrete slab. The technology was uncomfortably familiar, to be honest, like something out of The Institute.

I hitched my tool belt to rest more comfortably on my hips and crouched to fix my eyes on the mess of wires before me.

Even with pulling in engineers from other nearby settlements, like Twilight Drive-in and Red Rocket, we had been putting in long and strenuous hours. The plans weren't exactly intuitive and we spent many a long night poring over them and comparing notes.

Sometimes RJ would be asleep when I got home. Sometimes he would find us where we had holed up, standing against the wall and watching us with a bored expression. Then he'd walk me home through the dim streets; hand on the small of my back.

Valeria thought it was adorable. Marie was resigned.

RJ seemed content to let them think what they would, so I followed his lead.

That didn't mean Valeria let me escape without gossip. I left those sessions with burning cheeks and interesting ideas. This was completely foreign territory to me, despite my implanted memories, which were oddly vague in the lovemaking department. Perhaps the Institute scientists thought that I wouldn't need anything more than the most basic knowledge. I thought it more likely they didn't know much themselves.

I slept, I ate, I worked, and I spent what little time I could with RJ and my friends. Altogether I was not left with much time to do much else. I knew I needed to plan. I knew I needed to gather supplies, but it was so difficult to find time.

Or so I told myself.

No, I wasn't avoiding the inevitable truth; it was just that Sturges needed me. The General needed me, though she had gone off somewhere with Nick Valentine and no one had heard from her in weeks. Not exactly unusual, I had done the same myself recently, after all.

I closed my eyes, letting out a breath before focusing all my attention on the wiring. At least one of the connections wasn't quite right and it needed to be perfect. There would be no trial run with this. Sturges had been very clear on that. It was a one shot, win or lose and the General's life was dependent on the device being in perfect operating order.

My fingers flew, tightening and loosing almost without thought. Around me the other engineers worked, on their knees or perched on rickety scaffolding, none of us speaking much, all of us feeling the pressure of the looming arms above us, waiting. We paused as one of the settlers came by with a dipper of water, but the pause was brief before we were back to work.

Gentle fingers on my back pulled me out of my working reverie. I blinked up, surprised to see that the light had become dim.

RJ stood over me, squinting up at the sky even as his fingers stroked my back unconsciously.

"It's going to storm." He told me.

As if on cue I heard Sturges repeat the phrase and everyone hurried into action, securing panels and making sure all the tools were picked up and stowed. The engineers who had been on the scaffolding reached down for the tarp that had been put aside for just this purpose. RJ and I joined the others in passing it up to them. In short order everything was covered and secured, and just in time as the rain started sluicing down.

Those of us that had stayed behind took shelter under the device, listening to the patter of raindrops on the wide expanse of waxed fabric stretched overhead. Flashes of lightning illuminated us all with an eerie glow, the arms stretching over us contrasting sharply. I had a sudden image of a trap, waiting above us, waiting to close.

My fingers found RJ's and he shot me a questioning look.

I shrugged helplessly but didn't release his hand.

He sighed and used our intertwined fingers to lead me to sit against one of the arms. I leaned against his shoulder, trying to forget my misgivings amidst the low murmurs of our companions as the storm raged above us.

The dining area was warm and loud, companionable. I soaked it in as I sat between Valeria and RJ. Hamilton had finished serving and sat across from us, making exaggerated cow eyes at Valeria, who was trying valiantly to not choke on her food as she laughed at him. I smiled at them, I smiled at Steve, who caught my eye from the next table and gave me a salute with his Nuka-Cola. Inside I was a mess of complicated feelings.

The device was nearly complete and soon I would be out of excuses. Yes, I could be honest with myself and I knew they were excuses. A mix of love and longing and melancholy weighed on me. I wanted to stay.

I couldn't.

I wanted RJ beside me, just like this, his hand resting on my thigh under the table, his eyes distant, clearly not wanting to linger but willing to put up with it for my sake.

I would lose that. No matter what, I would lose him.

I could feel the expiration date on my time in Sanctuary, with these people who had become my family, fast approaching.

My eyes dropped to my plate and I busied myself with drawing patterns in the smears of gravy. The squiggles became circuit boards and I hurriedly wiped them away.

"You're quiet tonight." Valeria commented, nudging me with her shoulder.

My smile must have appeared strained when I looked at her because her brow furrowed and she reached up to place one calloused hand on my forehead. Out of the corner of my eye I saw RJ snap to attention, his gaze narrowing on the side of my face.

I glanced at him, shook my head slightly.

His gaze narrowed even more, if such were possible.

"It's just a lot of pressure." I sighed. "I'm a little tired."

"All the engineers are tired." Hamilton provided helpfully. "I think I saw Delilah snoozing in her soup." His eyes got comically wide. "At least I hope she was just snoozing. Maybe I should check on her." He made to get up but tripped and fell back into his seat when his foot apparently caught something under the table.

"She went to bed half an hour ago and you know it." Valeria told him loftily, taking her hand from my forehead with one last searching look.

He gave her a wounded stare, the validity of which was offset by the hint of a smile lurking at the corners of his wide mouth. She ignored him, her attention on me.

I couldn't look at her. I didn't want her to read the expression lurking behind my eyes.

"You should go to bed." She finally said. "And sleep." This with a pointed look at RJ, who raised his eyebrows but didn't deign to reply. "We don't want you getting sick on us."

"I wouldn't want anyone getting sick on me." Hamilton supplied. "Not again."

We all looked at him.

"What?" He asked innocently. "It's messy and gross."

I heard a soft thump and he winced, the wounded stare returning as he looked at Valeria.

"You deserved that." She told him.

"Well, it is." He grumbled.

RJ took my arm. I sighed and let him pull me to my feet.

"I'll make sure she rests." He said, face impassive.

I made a half-hearted wave as he steered me through the diners and into the dim street.

The rain had settled the dust in the air, and the night smelled fresh and clean. I took a deep breath, letting it settle in my lungs, memorizing the scent of petrichor mixed with the smells of wood smoke and wet metal.

"Maybe you should take a day off." He told me abruptly.

I glanced up at him but his face was shadowed. There was no hiding the tightness of his jaw, though.

I reached up and touched the tight muscles, willing them to relax under my fingers.

I'm so sorry.

"We're so close." I told him. "A few more days and we can all go back to normal."

He walked beside me in silence for a few moments. "Are you sleeping enough?" He finally asked, his voice tinged with an unfamiliar note. I glanced up at him to see a flare of red along his cheekbones. "I can move to the other bed…"

"No." I answered a little too quickly and a little too loudly. I caught a flash of surprise in his eyes. "No." I repeated in a small voice. "I…like having you…I mean…"

"Ah." He replied. "Okay, then."

He looked away. I looked down.

He released my arm to take my hand and we continued into the night.

"It was like she had come home."

I tried not to look like I was listening as I rummaged through a bin of spare parts. It wasn't as though it were intentional. Curiosity kept me searching, though the part I looked for had already come to my hand. It was not my fault they decided to pause right beside me for their conversation, after all.

"I know that look, kid. It doesn't make much sense. The island isn't exactly the kind of place you'd look to for a prime vacation spot but you didn't see her face." Nick Valentine took a long drag on his cigarette. "First time I ever saw such a peaceful expression on her."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Deacon turn his head to watch the woman deep in discussion with Sturges. She seemed to feel his look and turned slightly to give him a nod. He looked away.

"Not a lot of peace to be had." He told Nick, his expression unreadable behind his dark glasses.

"All the same." Nick shrugged, tossing the butt on the ground and grounding it under his heel. "I helped her build a little place, right on the water. Stayed there while we…did what we needed to do. Can't tell you how many times I went there and found her just…sitting, looking out at the fog."

Deacon shrugged, he had been quieter than usual since my return. I wondered if he was upset about something. "To each their own, I guess. Tell me more about Far Harbor. Seems I might have a vested interest."

"Hell of a place." Nick shook his head. "Not at all what I expected."

The two walked away, taking whatever else might be said with them.

I straightened, turning the piece I had found over in my hands as I walked back to the build site.

The General had returned the night before, bedraggled from another rainfall; this seemed to be the season for it, Nick and Dogmeat in tow. I hadn't been there to see it, but Steve, who had been on gate duty at the time, filled me in at breakfast. Everyone in the settlement seemed to be insatiably curious about what the General had been up to, but in this case she was oddly close-mouthed.

She likely had confided in Deacon, they seemed to have few secrets between them, but otherwise I probably now knew more of her activities than most of the others.

Pulling a rag from my pocket I cleaned off the part, shrugging internally. Probably not my business.

Sturges looked up at me with a sober expression when I returned. He was standing at the console we had salvaged from an old factory, typing busily. I showed him the part. "That'll do it." He told me after a brief scrutiny.

I nodded, watching as he straightened and stretched out his back. He looked to the apparatus towering above us, so alien against the desolate landscape. Once again I was struck with the notion that it was waiting. Could machinery like this have awareness?

"What do you say, Sturges?" The General asked, almost making me jump out of my skin. She was so quiet when she approached that she might as well have been invisible.

"Few finishing tweaks, make sure the programming's right, then she'll be ready when you are." Sturges told her. Apparently he didn't share my misgivings, as he gave the device an almost fond look.

"What are my odds?" The General asked. I looked at her to find her face a complex mixture of emotions I couldn't even begin to sort out. I saw hope, worry, despair, pain…more. The human-born were truly complex.

"Should be good, assumin' that source of yours was to be trusted."

She bit her lip, an unexpected sign of vulnerability. "I believe so." She finally answered. "You're sure we can't test it?"

"I'm sure." He told her, with a quick sidelong glance at me. "The folks on the other side may get a might too curious if we try it more than once. Not to mention the power draw."

She sighed, as though she had been expecting this answer and was resigned to it, even while hoping for a better verdict, then squared her shoulders with an effort. "Tomorrow. Or maybe the next day, no use putting it off too long, but I need some rest before…I go."

She turned and stopped, staring at me with a quizzical look in her gray eyes, half-hidden behind the frames of her glasses.

I had a sudden urge to hide.

"I haven't really seen you since my return. I heard there was some trouble at Zimonja? I haven't had time to look through all my correspondence."

My face must have gone pale because she took my arm in a comforting grip.

"Let's go somewhere to talk." She said, looking at me piercingly. "That is, if you can spare her for a while, Sturges?"

He nodded, holding out his hand. I looked at it for a long moment before I remembered I was still holding the part he had asked for. I handed it over and let the General steer me away.

I tried to walk naturally though my chest seemed oddly tight, my stomach roiled and my face felt hot and cold at the same time. She was gripping me in the exact same place the scientist at the Institute had, what seemed like so long ago. But there was no pain in her grasp. She seemed genuinely concerned as she led me to her house, placing me on the couch and leaving me for a moment to retrieve a glass of water.

"Please, drink." She told me, settling in a stuffed chair with a sigh. I had to assume it was her usual and preferred seat. She leaned forward and tented her fingers in front of her mouth, waiting as I took a few deep breaths in an attempt to settle my stomach. I took a sip from the glass and set it aside.

"So tell me, how are the roads?" She asked.

Not Zimonja? I wondered. "We didn't use them much." I replied, grateful for the reprieve. "RJ doesn't like using the main roads. Too much traffic."

She blinked, her gaze wandering from my eyes and up for a moment before she focused on my face again. "Doesn't he? He never mentioned it to me. I know he doesn't like traveling at night. Did you camp very often?"

I shook my head. "Not too often. We were usually close enough to a settlement… Did you know he doesn't like sleeping in the open, either?"

"I seem to recall he's mentioned it." She leaned back, crossing one leg over the other. "You went to Twilight Drive-in first, is that correct?"

She led me through the entire journey with quiet questions, sharing her own anecdotes from time to time. I relaxed and found myself telling her things I wouldn't even have thought of otherwise, like how I was deathly afraid of giant insects.

I told her things I thought she should know, like the trouble I had with Tomas and the promise of sending people from other settlements to maintain their reactor. I told her which settlements seemed to be struggling and which were working more smoothly.

At some point Deacon came in, looking a question at the two of us. The General looked at me searchingly before gesturing him to sit down. The small lull his arrival cause quickly wore off as the General continued her questions and he added a few amusing anecdotes of his own.

"So he takes a smoke break." She told me with a helpless smile at one point in one of his stories.

"Hey, you had it handled." He told her, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth belying the seriousness of his tone, "and those super mutants were seriously stressing me out."

"Thank goodness we didn't run into any of those." I exclaimed.

"None at all?" The General asked me.

I hesitated. "But we did see a synth patrol." I said quickly, rushing the words out before they could stick in my throat.

"Oh?" She asked carefully.

"On the road between Nordhagen and the Slog." I told her. What had happened that last night at Nordhagen I would not tell her, I would not tell anyone. Even the thought of speaking of the Courser brought back the feeling of his gloved fingers curling around my throat. But I could speak of this.

"There's been more sightings recently." Deacon commented. "Outside their usual patrol routes."

"I see I have a lot to catch up on," The General sighed.

"Absolutely piles of paperwork on your desk." He told her cheerfully. "Make sure you take a straw with you when you go in your office."

"A straw?"

"So you can breathe when it buries you." He told her mock-seriously, flashing a small smile in my direction. "You might want to take a flare gun too, in case you need to signal for help."

"Inside, with all that paper?"

"That or a shovel so you can dig yourself out."

The conversation continued along those lines for a while. I told them about the Slog, and my 'illness', in case someone happened to mention it. Of Holly and her infatuation with Wiseman.

She laughed at that one and told me it explained a lot before asking me how the new arrangement of Minutemen patrols and provisioners seemed to be working out

Then I came to Zimonja.

I paused.

"Take your time." She told me gently.

I shook my head. "I arrived to find some of the settlers had attacked the others."

Deacon glanced at me, and I got the feeling that he already knew what I was about to say. I tucked my hair behind my ears and took a deep breath. "The attackers all died, and when they examined the bodies it was discovered they were synths. I…" I stopped, not sure what to say. Not sure what was safe to say.

The General gestured me to continue. "It's all right. Go on."

"I offered to stay and teach, and when they told us it would be best if we left I told them to send the people I was there to instruct to Sanctuary." Now, this would be difficult. I prepared for the ceiling to crash down on my head. "They refused."

The General had leaned forward again, her hands tented before her mouth, elbows resting on her knees. "Did they say why?"

"They were all dead." I said in a quiet voice.

"The synths killed them?" She asked gently.

I shook my head.

"They were the synths." Deacon replied for me, his voice low and pained.

I nodded.

The General stared at us both before taking her glasses off and laying them on the table next to her chair so she could rub her eyes. She looked younger without them on, younger and so very tired.

"Any thoughts as to why?" She asked.

I shook my head again, that tight feeling in my chest returning.

"They don't really need a reason." Deacon told her quietly.

She sighed again, running her fingers through her dark hair. "I can't help but think they don't do anything without one." She murmured half to herself before turning her gray eyes to meet mine. "Thank you for the talk Annette. I enjoyed speaking with you, even if some of the news was…unwelcome."

I opened my mouth. She stopped my apology with a raised hand. "No. I much prefer first-hand accounts to reading piles…"

"Mountains." Deacon provided helpfully.

She ignored him. "Piles of messages." She glanced out the window and I followed her gaze, a little shocked to find that evening was well upon us. "I imagine you're hungry so I'll let you go join the others."

"Yes, General."

She made a little face, but I wasn't sure what it meant. "Deacon, if you'll stay a little longer."

"Yes, General Den, ma'am." He snapped a salute from his seat on the couch.

"Knock it off." She looked back at me, and a mischievous light touched her eyes, erasing some of the fatigue. "By the way, MacCready's hat looks good on you."

Blood rushed to my cheeks and I squeaked a 'thank you' before beating a hasty retreat out the door.

And even though the ceiling hadn't come crashing down, that tight feeling wouldn't leave my chest. I had lied with a simple headshake. I knew why they had died, and their deaths were on my head.

The residents of Sanctuary had been instructed to remain in their homes, the majority of those who had been brought in to work from other settlements had been banished as well. Not that we expected the thing to explode, but they were too valuable to risk.

Personally I would rather be a good distance away, but Sturges had declared me essential personnel and I had never been able to dispute him. Truly, I was terribly curious as to what the device actually did, but I'd rather observe it from a good distance away rather than right up next to it. It still made me feel very uneasy, particularly since it had been powered up and sat there waiting for the command to come to life.

Two days had passed since my unnerving interview, for that's what I realized it had been, in the General's comfortable home.

She had spent the time mostly in her office, venturing out only occasionally to eat with the rest of the population and talk to a few select people. I saw her and RJ with their heads together more than once, her face concerned; his stubborn.

And it seemed as though I could never see the General without spotting Deacon nearby, his face set in inscrutable lines, just….watching.

Above us the sky darkened, signaling impending twilight.

I saw the General glance upwards before turning back to her conversation with Sturges. She wore her sleek armor, tough and close to her body for stealth and ease of movement. A small pistol was strapped to her leg. No doubt she had other weaponry concealed on her person, but I couldn't see it. She shook her dark head at something Sturges said and fiddled with the device on her arm for a moment.

"Annette," Sturges called over to me. "We're ready to fire it up."

I swallowed and nodded, walking hesitantly over to take my place at the smaller console.

For a moment the General stood alone. Though a tall woman at that moment she seemed so small. She looked around, giving me a nod, though I was obviously not the one she was looking for.

"Deacon?" She called.

I had a good view of the whole area, so I saw when he moved from the shadows near the hedge. He walked up to the edge of the concrete platform and she moved to meet him, pulling something from the throat of her uniform as she went.

"I'm here, Den." He said.

"Take this." She told him.

I caught the barest glint of gold on a long chain.

Deacon made no move.

"Please, take it." She said again, almost begging. "I don't know what's going to happen after this thing goes online. I don't know if I'll be coming back." She reached out and grabbed one of his hands, prying open his fist to place that glint of gold inside.

"They've taken so much. I don't want them to have it. You keep it for me."

He looked up at her, his face disclosing nothing. "You're coming back." He said, making no move to remove his hand from hers.

"Then keep it until I do, okay, D? Just until I come back."

His fingers curled closed, the chain dangling over the edge of his hand. She clasped both hands over his fist.

"Thank you." She said.

He leaned towards her for a split second, as though something pulled him closer, before he tilted away, moving back a few steps.

I looked away, fastening my gaze on the console before me.

"In the center now, General." Sturges called.

I glanced over to see her backing into the center of the apparatus, never taking her eyes off Deacon.

The moment she hit the platform the device roared to life.

I had to keep my eyes on the readouts. Any unanticipated spikes and we'd only have milliseconds to shut it down. My hair whipped around and I had to plant a hand on my head to keep RJ's hat from flying off.

Dimly I could hear Sturges shouting something to the General, instructions maybe, but I couldn't quite make out what he was saying.

The wind grew stronger, and I could see my shadow cast against the console, outlined in an eerie blue light. Something snapped behind me.

I wanted to look, but I couldn't.

Abruptly there was a loud rush of air and the console under my hands sparked, sending tendrils of electricity into my fingers. With a pained yelp I snatched my hands away. The blue light vanished, and when I turned the General had vanished as well.

I turned wide eyes to Sturges, who was regarding the burnt out apparatus with a resigned air.

"Well," He looked at me. "Either she made it or she didn't."

"Where did she go?" I asked.

Sturges glanced over. I followed his gaze to see Deacon still standing there, staring at the spot where the General had been only instants before.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Guess it won't hurt to tell you now." He told me, steering me away. "She teleported into the Institute."

"The Institute?" I gasped. "Teleported?"

"Only way in or out." He said.

Had I been in one of those things? I must have if it was the only way. It was only through great effort that I kept hidden the sudden weakness in my knees.

"But…why?" I asked.

He looked at me and shook his head. "That's not for me to tell." He gave me a little push towards my house. "Your fella's probably fretting his head off and you should probably get your hands looked at by that Doctor friend of yours. Go on. We'll have a hell of a mess to clean up tomorrow."

I turned as if in a daze and walked up the short walk to my house. The door slammed open as I approached and RJ strode out. He grabbed me by my shoulders and took a good long look at my face, as though reassuring himself that it hadn't changed in the hour or so we'd been apart.

I managed to summon up a weak smile. "It worked."

He grunted, looking me over and shaking his head.

"I might have burned my hands a little." I told him, holding out my reddened palms.

He swung into action, propelling me towards the door, bellowing for Marie as he went.

I had just enough time for one last look at the dead monstrosity behind me, and the still figure that stood there, unmoving, before RJ pulled me inside and the door shut behind us.