Chapter 13: Selfish Little Masochist

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid me, stupid Baker, stupid Katniss. If there's a rational part of me, then it is cowering in the corner. Forget that you never made a move. Forget you didn't show interest. Forget that she might like him too, yeah, sure. Forget that. She should've known. Everyone else did. They assumed at least. Why not she? Maybe I'm not good enough. I'm just to cocky. Or tempered. Well isn't she? And what about him is so damn attractive. Nothing. Stupid blonde.

Stupid, stupid, (ok, actually replace most of the stupids with, well, be creative). Traitor. Betrayal flows through my whole body, even though technically she didn't betray me. Yes she did. She could've said Gale I don't like you. No she couldn't. That's just stupid. Like-

"Gale?" my mother's voice interrupts my rant. Damn. Why didn't I go to the woods? Let some wolves eat me or something.

"What?" I ask in a bored tone. I didn't snap, I am in no mood for a lecture.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I ask with forced nonchalance. "What's there to be sorry for? Have I missed anything?"

"Gale..." my mother says pained. She deliberates, as though searching for something to say. Clearly she has never dealt with a heartbroken son before. One who was forgotten on screen all across the Panem. "Don't act like you haven't been hurt."

"Hurt?" I say, my voice sounding oddly shrill. "Me? Why? Oh, because of Katniss, I see. Well, she's free to do whatever she likes. What've I to do with anything?"

"Gale, she's in a fight to the death," Rory says pointedly.

"No shit," I say. How does kissing and love come into this? Where's all the violence. Well as long as she's alive, I guess. That is what I wanted, it goes without saying. I want her happy. Just not with him.

"So, let her have some... relaxation," Rory says.

"Relaxation?"

"I was going to say fun, but-"

"FUN?"

"Boys..."

"Thats why! Well you give me a word for it Mr. Perfect!"

"Oh, so you can just pin a word on me like that, and since when I've acted like I'm perfect-"

"All the time-"

"And you can't think of a freaking word-"

"Boys!"

"And if I was perfect then why does Katniss want Peeta and not me!" Shit. Didn't want to say that out loud.

"Maybe because you've got a stick shoved-"

"BOYS!"

We flinched. "At least, not in front of present company." She nods at Posy, who in the middle of it all went and sat on the bed. "And Rory, where have you been learning such awful language? Arguing over words..."

I am not in the mood for this. Or anything. I go to bed and will myself to try to sleep. Let someone else worry for her all night along. She doesn't need me.

My mother blows out the candles. She strokes my head like she used to, a long time ago. When she retires, the words bounce in my head.

She doesn't need me. Her family, maybe. But, she doesn't need me. The words reduce me to such a weak state, and I cannot stop the tears. I don't know the last time I was crying so much, but I don't remember the last time I was this vulnerable.

So babyish, and stupid. And unlike me. Look at what girl this girl has done. She's going to change everything, just watch.

Insomnia hits me strong tonight.

I go to the mines deflated. The two men know not to trifle with me today, weirdo's intuition I guess. I take out all my anger on the rocks today. But even that doesn't provide enough of a distraction. I keep replaying images of Katniss and Peeta, together kissing, acting all couple-like. Doing everything I've wished to do. Amazing how the Baker boy got what I wanted. I never should have underestimated him.

I've really underestimated him. As I lay in bed like a corpse, I recall more doses of pain. Katniss and Peeta all cuddled up with each other, her telling the story of Prim's goat, censored of course. That story made me happy, temporarily, I remember her wishing to buy Prim something. And I laughed at Katniss splurging on a pink ribbon. But then thanks to that son-of-a, Katniss got the stupid gift of sleep syrup. Why? There's a feast. Not an ordinary feast that Katniss would not have given a second thought to, no. A special feast. Where tributes have a chance to get what they most desperately need. And this Peeta, got himself blood poisoning. He's right he's causing her a shitload of trouble. Couldn't he just have died, he wasn't helping her staying alive. So miss Katniss put Peeta to sleep with him being all no you won't do this for me, you suck at lying, blech. and then she feeds him "sugar berries" and he looks all betrayed, and he realizes this at the end. So she kisses him and says, "who can't act, Peeta?"

Like he didn't know she was going to get what she wanted.

- - - The Control Room - - -

Effie was in a state. She liked this boy, he was polite, unlike those other mannerless twelves. She didn't want this boy to die. But Haymitch wouldn't send any food. He seems to be having fun playing with their lives.

She had spoken this thought out loud to which Haymitch barked, "I'm not playing with their lives, contrary to popular belief!"

"So what are you doing?"

"I am letting the girl figure out what I am doing!"

"You have enough sponsors, in reserve-"

"For that? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I am giving her a way to live with herself, a solution. And then she will get a reward when the time comes."

Effie was baffled, and stormed out.