Title: The Accident
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Francesca Rivera, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Phillip Spaulding, my dead body
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 33, 714 (total)
Summary: The devastation and moral decay of one Natalia Rivera.
Spoilers/Timeline Generally through September '09, though nothing terribly specific I think.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: I got this idea from a throwaway line in one of Rysler's fics that would make sense to no one who wasn't inside my brain. And even by my standards it was a pretty crazy idea. But then I thought it over and with a little bit of nudging. That's crazy became why not? After all what is fandom - and fan fiction - for if not asking, if x changed then what would happen?
Beta: What can I say? aimlessla was freaking awesome for beta'ing this for me, even as much as the whole damn thing traumatized her. I appreciate her invaluable advice, grammar assistance, not throwing her hands up at the pitiable state of my commas and poking her finger at as many of my plot holes as she could find. This one was really above and beyond.
With thanks to Kelinswriter also for offering some general thoughts on the whole thing! Much appreciated, dude!
Warning: This fic has sexual content. Unrelated to that, but additionally it is very dark in nature. Very dark. Do not that this lightly. If you hated "Even If It Killed Her" to the point you stopped reading, you'll like this one even less. No, seriously.

Part Twelve

Olivia pushed through the crowd of children in the living room, carefully guiding them around her one way or another as she made for the door. She ignored the adults. She wasn't ready to see the smug look she was fairly certain Frank was wearing. Olivia wasn't quite certain why he was there, but somehow Frank had become the least of her was just about to the door when it opened and Phillip stepped inside. Her hands clenched into fists at her side. Emma, she reminded herself. This was the father of her daughter. She couldn't - could not - do any of the things she had fantasized about for the past week.

"Olivia-" His voice was calm and cajoling. She hated that even more.

"No," she said moving closer until they were separated by just a few scant inches. "Don't say it. Don't say anything. Just shut your mouth. I don't want to hear how you were just trying to comfort her or be there for her or whatever you're going to say. Just do me a favor and stay the hell away from me." Olivia didn't wait for him to answer as she pushed past him and stormed outside. She had wanted to be there for Emma to celebrate her birthday. Missing her daughters had been like a gaping hole inside of her, but she didn't think she could take this party even for them, couldn't stand to watch Phillip and Natalia together. She had watched Natalia with someone else once before and it had almost killed her. To do it again now when she knew the sweetness of Natalia's kiss, the way her arms felt around Olivia, the gentle look in her eyes that said Natalia loved her louder than any declaration, really would be the end of her.

Olivia didn't stop until she had reached her car. Moments later she sent gravel flying as she took off. There was no point in staying to watch it all crumble, not when she already knew what the end looked like - Natalia happy and content in Phillip's arms.

"Ah, I saw Olivia leaving," Phillip offered as he came into the kitchen and saw Natalia staring into space.

Natalia seemed to give herself a mental shake and came out of her trance. "Let me guess. She wasn't very happy to see you."

Phillip shook his head. "Not so much."

"Did she say anything?"

He thought for a moment. "Not really. She was just angry - scared." He smiled a pained, twisted smile. "Olivia."

Natalia knew what he meant, but couldn't find anything amusing in it. She bit her lip and looked up at him from across the kitchen. "You know I love her."

"I do," Phillip said with a nod.

"More than anything."

Phillip was almost smiling. "Is this the part where you let me down easy?"

Natalia started to gasp, to say something, but she couldn't find the words. Phillip spared her.

"Well, don't worry about it. I know where your heart belongs." He tilted his head back toward the door. "Even if she's a little bit confused right now."

"Phillip-" She wanted so badly to thank him for everything he had done for her, but she couldn't think of anything that didn't sound trite or placating. Phillip deserved more than that. She crossed the kitchen until she was standing in front of him. He straightened. She touched his cheek and placed a hand above his heart, pushing herself up on her toes so that she could kiss him. It was a tender brush of lips, over almost before it had begun, as she sank back down onto her heels. "Thank you," she murmured, her head tilted down.

He nodded, even though she couldn't see him, his hands resting lightly on her hips.

"I should go," Natalia said, starting to step around him.

"You should," he agreed. Then his hands tightened on her, freezing her in place for a moment, closer than they had been before as she was about to move past him. "If things had been different..."

Natalia felt her heart speed up. "But they aren't," she reminded him.

"If they were..." he shook his head. "I wouldn't let you go so easily."

Natalia didn't know what to say to that. 'Thank you' seemed ridiculous and anything else rude. She settled for the truth. "I don't know how I could have gotten through this without you."

"But now you have her back."

"She's who I'm meant to be with. I was made for her."

He leaned back so that he could get a good look at her. "You really believe that?"

"I do."

He shook his head again. "You have so much faith in her." He leaned closer and pressed his lips against the top of her head. "I hope it's justified."

Natalia shrugged helplessly. "I don't know, but I do know that I'll always keep fighting for her. I'll never let her go."

Phillip smiled that pained, rueful smile that reminded her so much of Olivia at times. "Then you should go after her."

Natalia glanced up at him. "I can't leave Em's party-"

"You can," Phillip said firmly. "I know the details of this birthday party almost as well as you do. I'm sure we can manage."

Natalia felt a giddy surge of hope. Part of her wanted to protest, to make certain that he was really okay supervising more than a dozen shrieking-eleven-year-old girls high on sugar. The other part grabbed for the opportunity with both hands and didn't look back. "Thank you," she whispered again and went after Olivia.

It was the only thing she could do.

It was dark inside Olivia's suite at the Beacon and for a moment, Natalia wondered if she was really there. The desk clerk had told Natalia that Olivia was, but there was always the possibility that she was in Diane's room. Natalia didn't hate the thought of her any less than the she did at the moment she was confronted with Diane's reality. It wasn't pretty but her feelings for Olivia had always been messy and complicated rather than straightforward. This was no different.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia's voice startled her coming out of the darkness.

Natalia finally located her through the dim light coming in from the slit in the curtains. She almost smiled at the irony of Olivia asking that question. Phillip had been the one to unknowingly supply her with an answer. "Chasing you."

"What about Emma's party? Aren't you neglecting your duties?" The way Olivia said it - like an insult - scraped along Natalia's nerves, provoking her temper just as Olivia had known it would.

"Emma - and her party - will be just fine. Phillip's still there. He has everything under control." Okay, maybe that was a low blow, but they had always been good at fighting. At the moment, Natalia wouldn't mind a good fight at all. They'd had both kinds in their relationship. The bad kind - like the one they'd had the night that Olivia had disappeared - resulted in a screaming détente that neither knew how to break. The good kind got their blood flowing, hearts beating, until they found themselves kissing instead of yelling, tearing clothing off each other instead of throwing insults back and forth. The first time it had happened, Natalia had been more than a little shocked, but the longer she'd thought about it, the more it seemed a natural extension of their original relationship. It didn't happen often, but when it did the ending was often explosive. Not that Natalia had any hopes of this evening ending that way, but it was a place to start. Fighting was better than running away.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Oh. Phillip's there. How freaking perfect."

"It is perfect. He's there to watch our daughter while I'm here. With you."

Olivia turned her gaze to Natalia. "And what if I don't want you here?" She got up off the bed and stalked toward Natalia. "If I think you should just leave."

"No." Natalia said with a firm shake of her head. "I'm not leaving. Not anymore."

"Get out," Olivia demanded, her voice rising sharply.

"No. You'll have to get security to throw me out. I was too stunned the other day to do anything else, but you're alive. Don't you understand? I spent months thinking you were dead and now you're here. I'm not going to let you go again, now that I have you back. I spent so many days wishing and praying and hoping for something I thought I could never have and you're here. God answered my prayers. You - Olivia. You're the answer to my prayers. Again."

"So?" Olivia demanded. "So what?"

"So you're coming home." Natalia said it with far more bravado than she felt. But then this had worked once before.

Olivia snorted with disbelief. "Are you out of your mind? No. Not this time, Natalia. I can't do this. Don't you understand?"

"I do understand. I get it, but what happened to the woman who just wanted me to be happy? I thought you were dead and Phillip made me feel just a little bit better. Like I could keep going, get through one more minute of the day. There were moments, Olivia. Moments when I didn't know whether I could. Missing you hurt so much. I would think of our daughters, of what losing us both would do to them, but sometimes I just didn't care. I loved you and you were gone. I hated you. And he told me I could get through the day. He did that for me. Can't you understand that without you I needed that?"

"No," Olivia yelled. "No, Natalia, I can't." She seemed to run out of breath suddenly. "I didn't want you to be happy, not so quickly. Not without me. You...you just replaced me with him in your perfect little life. It was like you didn't even miss me. Being without you is like a part of me is missing and you just...got over it."

"Oh, God, is that what you really think?" Natalia asked in disbelief. She laughed; she couldn't help it. It was all so ridiculous. "I was so angry at you," Natalia whispered, wrapping her arms around her waist. "We fought and you left and then you died. You left me. And I couldn't stand it. I missed you so much. All I could think about was what if we hadn't had that stupid fight? Every second of every day was missing you. It was an ache that never went away. There was nothing I could do to make it better because you weren't there and you were never coming back." She glanced at Olivia again. "I hated you for that too. But even as mad at you as I was, I would have given anything to have you back, to know that you were alive. Just to hear you say my name one more time, or hold me. I would have done anything, gone anywhere. I love you, Olivia. More than anything or anyone."

"Then why was he still holding you?" Olivia demanded, Natalia's words finally breaking past her hardened exterior. "I came back. I was there and you were still in his arms. You say he meant nothing, but you can't deny what I saw, Natalia."

For a moment, Natalia was too stunned to respond. "That?" she demanded. "That's what this is about?" She shook her head, her anger draining away and gazed fondly at Olivia. "You're an idiot."

Olivia drew herself up indignantly, but Natalia continued before she could speak.

"But I love you anyway. So much." She stepped forward until she could hold Olivia's face between her hands. "I need you to listen to me. I love you. I don't love Phillip." She swallowed and continued. It was hard to meet Olivia's eyes, but she refused to let herself look away. If Olivia couldn't see the truth of what she was saying, then they would never have a chance again. "The only thing I feel for him-" she frantically pressed her thumbs against Olivia's lips in an effort to silence her as she began to protest "-is gratitude. He held me up and pulled me through, made sure I was there for our daughters when no one else could. I will always be grateful to him for that. I don't know what might have happened, if things, if you hadn't..." Natalia couldn't finish that thought. "But you came back. You're alive and it doesn't matter to me what might have been, because you're here. You're the one I love - the only person I want to be with. Ever. You're all I care about."

Olivia licked her lip, the tip of her tongue flicking against Natalia's thumbs and making her jerk them back. "Do you really mean that?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I do. So much." Natalia hesitated. "Do you believe me?"

Olivia let out a long shaky breathe. "I want to."

"Then do it."

"It's not that easy, Natalia."

"It can be, if you let it."

Olivia crumpled, dissolving into Natalia's arms, tears running down her face. She would have slid to the ground if Natalia's arms hadn't caught her, cradled her, lowered them both gently to the ground, Natalia beneath her.

"Come home," Natalia whispered. "It's where you belong. I want you with me."

"Natalia..." It was a whimper, a plea for something she couldn't vocalize, but needed desperately.

She kissed Olivia's cheek, tucking her head against the side of her neck, breathing in Olivia's scent and being as close to her as she could. "Come home." Natalia repeated.

Olivia sucked in a ragged breath. "I don't know if I can do it," she admitted.

"We'll take it slow," Natalia said. "If that's what you need, that's what we'll do." She nuzzled into Olivia's hair. "Please. I need you. I've missed you so much. I don't want to miss you anymore."

It was the plea that broke Olivia's heart. Above all else, she could never refuse Natalia anything, not when it sounded as if her heart were breaking for what she couldn't have.

"Okay." It was the most terrifying decision she had ever made.

Natalia hesitated. "What about Diane?" She tried to keep the emphasis that she wanted to put on Diane's name off it, but she didn't think she was quite successful. She hated that she had to ask, but she wanted to be clear - clear that Olivia coming home, really meant coming home to be with her.

Olivia let out a soft snort. "What about her?" For a moment, Natalia thought she would leave it at that but then Olivia continued. "She left. She came by before you did. It turns out she doesn't like me very much - not when she realized I have a wife who still loves me. She said I had too much drama for her."

Natalia wasn't really sure how to react to that, besides jumping up and cheering. But it was obvious that Diane had been important to Olivia, especially during her recovery. She could be jealous about that all she wanted, but it didn't change the fact that Natalia hadn't been there and Diane had.

"Are you sad about that?" Natalia asked, unable to resist not knowing.

"No," Olivia said softly, not too quickly, but quick enough that Natalia knew she hadn't had to think about it. "I'm grateful to her for her help, but she wasn't- we weren't together, you know. I just wanted you to feel the way I did. She's not who I want for the rest of my life. "

You are.

The words hung between them unsaid. But it was enough for now. It was a beginning - another one - and it was enough to build on for now.

(13/14)