Chapter 13 The anger
The following day, it is a little less though than Kurt expected it to be. He thought going to school was going to be more awkward, but making peace with Blaine gives him new strength to go through it. When he walks in, the perspective of sharing lessons with Sebastian or meeting his best friends' grieved gazes don't matter anymore. The only flaw was that yesterday he wanted to call his friends and tell them about the amazing afternoon he had spent with Blaine, considering that they were the ones to encourage him since the beginning. He didn't do so anyway. Talking to his friends about could end up in discussing glee club and that situation and Kurt didn't want to ruin such a perfect day. Also, to be honest, he still has hard feelings towards them and that wouldn't allow him to be civil to the girls just yet.
For the first time in weeks, maybe months, Kurt managed to sleep in tranquility, letting himself be lulled by the perfect picture of Blaine's beautiful smile. No fear, guilt or sadness; just Blaine and that makes him happy in a way he wouldn't even thought possible. He's not going to let someone break that magic again.
As soon as he walks along the hallways, Rachel and Mercedes appear in front of him, their faces looking like they have no intention to give up on this so easily. Kurt isn't stupid. He knows he won't be able to run from this forever, knows he has to face his friends sooner or later, but today is just not the right time. He just needs a few days to himself, so that he can manage to express with words why his friends' choice hurt him so bad. But time can never be enough when you need some.
"Hello girls." Kurt hisses flatly. He hopes his cold voice will bother them enough to make them go.
"Kurt." They both say, looking serious.
"How are you doing?" Rachel asks like she doesn't actually care. As if it's just some preparation to the actual conversation.
Kurt barely has time to answer, because Mercedes is already interrupting. "You don't actually think we're going to waste our time with formalities, do you? Let's go straight to the point, Hummel. You know I love you and I would do anything for you, but we need that white annoying hamster. No one at school wants to join glee club and if we want to get our shot at Nationals, we have to take advantage of this situation."
"I get it, Mercedes." Kurt replies acutely. "But you should try to understand my perspective too. You know what happened and what it means for me, having to see his face even during the only period I actually enjoyed at this stupid school!"
Before he knows it, Kurt's voice is already loud and angry.
Rachel and Mercedes knew it wasn't going to be easy when they decided to corner him this morning. Kurt has his right to be disappointed with their choice, and the fact that he is a huge drama queen doesn't help it; but they hoped they could convince him that it wasn't a complicated plan against him or something, and that in no other case they were going to welcome Sebastian in their group if it wasn't necessary. Their glee club family is wonderful. The problem is that everyday someone happens to be a little over-dramatic and threatens to quit; which means they could lose Nationals because they might need to replace them with Jacob or worse. Their last chance is to find a plus. That plus is Sebastian, that's it. If an old man who could sing decently would have come to their door instead of the ex-Warbler, they would have made him join even. They just hope Kurt will understand and come back to glee club because as much as he thinks no one gives him the importance he deserves, everybody loves him and respects him.
"Kurt, we're not saying that we like Sebastian. We just needed him." Rachel tries to calm him down with no result.
"The way you didn't need me for years!" Kurt snaps.
"What do you mean?" Mercedes sounds curious but also a little aware. Maybe she knows where this is going and that's making her angrier than she'd ever thought she could feel toward Kurt.
"I mean that Sebastian is just one of the many injustices and humiliating blows I've been thrown during these years in glee club. You've never given actual consideration to my talent. Maybe it's even better now that I quit because you won't need a new excuse to justify the next solo you're taking away from me!"
At Kurt's yelled words, the girls react in completely different ways. Rachel doesn't reply, guilt already invading her, while Mercedes feels hurt and accused of something she had never done herself.
"Don't you dare bring this up, Kurt! If your only problem is just with solos, well, let me get this straight: we could never win with you! Not because you aren't talented, but because your passion for lady songs would cost us victory. Remember what happened when you sang with Blaine at Regionals? Well, we don't want to lose!"
Realizing what she's just said, Mercedes looks down awkwardly. She didn't mean those things, but maybe it's about time to be honest and Mr. Schue never had the guts to tell Kurt why he would never give him a solo even though Kurt was one of the best. It's up to her to tell him now.
That makes Kurt realize that Sebastian isn't actually the main matter here. Mercedes' words hit him like a wave and wound him like blades. It reminds him of what happened months ago, when he auditioned for Tony and they didn't give the role to him because of that. Too ambiguous, too much of a lady. It's different now because he didn't think his friends would think so too. He thought they accepted everything about him and were completely honest. Not even Mr. Schuester had the guts to tell him that was the reason why he never got a solo. They just let him get convinced that he wasn't good enough. They let him think that was the reason why he always swayed in the background. He even cried about that in the past.
"Why did you let me think it was my fault? Why did you let me believe I wasn't good enough when it was just because of your opinion on me?"
"Hold on." Rachel says. "It's not our opinion, Kurt. It's the judges'. We love you and your taste in music won't change that. We just picked up someone as awesome but not as compromising, and I'm kind of a necessary choice of course."
"Save it, Rachel. Don't make me want to punch you." Kurt replies, shocked at the fact that Rachel is slipping so easily into her usual pattern.
Even Mercedes rolls her eyes at Rachel's words, because she managed to get a solo only thanks to the Troubletones. Maybe, Kurt thinks, he could buy his own solo with his return too, but he doesn't think that's possible. They have Sebastian now, so it's not like they need him. Kurt hardly thinks they needed him before Sebastian joined. And he wouldn't accept such a deal anyway. No matter how much he craves a solo at competitions, he doesn't want to get bought so easily. If he is ever going back to New Directions, it will be at his conditions and a solo is not nearly enough.
"Listen, I don't care honestly. I was fooled, humiliated, pushed in the corner. You didn't even find it in yourself to give me a real explanation. Thank Mr. Schue from me for those wonderful years of lies and for making me believe that someone was actually accepting me and counting on my talent. Say hi to Sebastian from me too."
Those are Kurt's last words as he glares at his friends.
They wanted to convince him to come back to glee club, but they only ended up hurting him more. Everybody loves him in there, they love his voice. Even Puck gets moved by him when Kurt sings. They all want to give Kurt his chance to get noticed, but they're sure it means no chance to win. Kurt's looks and the fact he had sung with Blaine was the reason why the Warblers lost at Regionals last year, because Kurt and Blaine actually sounded amazing. There couldn't be any other reasons. New Directions had never completely accepted Kurt's exuberance and Kurt knew too well, even if it's easier for him to pretend he didn't know. Everybody asked him about costumes and make-up because of his incredible taste for beauty, or about singing lessons because they knew about Kurt's perfect angelic voice.
Kurt is walking to his literature class. The walls seem to tighten around him and he feels like screaming all that he feels inside out loud.
He hates it that his day has been ruined like this. He just wants to think about his boyfriend and trust the fact that after the last period, thanks to the Warblers, he'll be able to sneak in his Dalton room and … no, that totally feels like too much. He doesn't even know if Blaine wants to. The idea of cuddling with him, kissing him and hugging him like they had yesterday is enough to relieve him from all that is happening.
The thought of Blaine distracts him from the two jocks passing by and throwing him against a locker almost casually. Kurt stands up and massages his aching shoulder, but he starts realizing that it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Everytime they hit him in the past, he felt hurt inside. It's not like that anymore. He doesn't care because he has Blaine again and he loves him so much that it feels like his heart might explode. The thought alone of how lucky he was to have him back makes everything look irrelevant if compared.
That in mind, he steps into the classroom. He sits at the last row, putting his things on the desk and then feels someone sitting by him, he knows exactly who it is before he checks on it.
"Sorry, this is the only seat left." Sebastian tries to justify when he sees the way Kurt is looking at him.
Kurt nods like he doesn't care and turns away from him, ignoring Sebastian for most of the lesson.
It is hard to focus though when he can feel Sebastian's gaze on him all the time. It annoys him so much.
Sebastian doesn't understand how Kurt can be so cold after what he said to him. He opened up to Kurt, told him part of his life that no one knew, he had told Kurt he loved him. He thought giving an explanation about his asshole attitude would be enough but he was clearly wrong. The love Kurt feels for Blaine is stronger than that. Sebastian will have to start again but this time, he'll do it the right way. He'll support Kurt, help him love him again. He's going to keep his unkind behaviors anyway though; as hard as Kurt tries to hide it, it's clear that he fell for Sebastian's bad boy attitude.
Sebastian Smythe always gets what he wants and at the moment, Kurt is everything that he desires. He wants Kurt's blue eyes to look at him in wonder again, like they did every time they made love. He wants Kurt's thoughts to be focused on him again, no Blaine, no guilt. He's going to get it. If someone can get Kurt back, that is surely him.
"Alright, guys. I want to spend a few minutes discussing your last assignment for this year." The teacher calls their attention.
Even Kurt and Sebastian turn to him while they are trying to ignore each other as best as they can. Kurt chews the top of his pen as he waits for an explanation, while Sebastian turns to stare at him long enough that Kurt feels the gaze on him, but not enough to get caught when Kurt turns around to insult him. If he's planning on driving Kurt's mad, he's on a good way to accomplish his goal.
Kurt still feels those green eyes on him, but everytime he turns, Sebastian is looking at the teacher or doing something else. Therefore, Kurt has no excuse to tell him to stop. Or maybe it's just him and Sebastian isn't actually staring. What if he's becoming paranoiac?
When the teacher has everyone's attention, he explains further.
"Since next month the school year will almost be over, I want you to write down an essay. No restrictions over the book you choose to make it about, but I'd rather it to be a part of this year's program, nineteenth and twentieth century. It doesn't have to be something we've studied here though. I want to evaluate your ability to pick up a piece and work on it without any further indication from me."
Kurt is taking notes and writing down some ideas on the books he could analyze. He turns to check on Sebastian for a moment and sees that the other boy is writing down a list too, although Kurt can't focus on the words from there.
"One more thing, I want you to work with your current deskmate. I think that getting used to team work is important for your future opportunities. See you tomorrow."
Both Sebastian and Kurt turn to look at each other with a shocked expression over their faces. They'll be forced to work together for a month at least. They're going meet out of school, all alone at their places.
Right now, the only thought Kurt is capable of producing is that there's something messing up to turn his life into living hell. Sebastian finds himself thinking the opposite of course. Karma must be on his side because this is his chance to get Kurt alone.
"Listen, Kurt," Sebastian tries to ease the tension.
"Don't you dare." Kurt cuts him off immediately.
Sebastian raises his hands in surrender and smiles, pretending to zip up his mouth. He gathers his things and stands up, walking away from Kurt, who sits there paralyzed in shock.
"Stay after school tomorrow. We're going to talk about this." Kurt says as soon as he awakes from this mental coma, the awareness of having to fight for a good grade settling inside him. Sebastian turns around and smiles, therefore he adds: "Don't get any strange ideas, meerkat. I need excellent grades for my senior year."
"Yeah, sure." Sebastian smirks and walks out of the class.
Kurt follows later, headed to his next lesson.
He spends his next periods thinking about some way to escape the situation, but he can find none by the end of the school day. He can't refuse in front of his teacher because he doesn't have a good reason for it. At the end, he realizes he can only accept the events. Maybe they'll manage to end it on one encounter. Resigned to his destiny, Kurt walks to his car, ready to go to Dalton, where his perfect boyfriend is waiting. That is going to improve Kurt's mood.
In the meantime, a group of girls are chatting in the choir room, not really caring about how loud they are. At some point, one of them starts yelling against the other two standing opposite to her.
"You're just two useless idiots!"
"Santana, we didn't mean to say those things to him, but it was about time he knew anyway." Rachel says.
"He's never talking to us again." Tina speaks quietly, afraid of becoming a victim of Santana's insults.
"We'll find a way, Santana." Mercedes sits between Brittany and Quinn.
"I want my dolphin back." Brittany says as Santana holds her hand.
"He won't come back, girls. We might as well accept it. You two, just don't talk to him. You only make it worse."
Rachel and Mercedes look down, sad and embarrassed. The things they said to Kurt were true, but they also exaggerated about those, because they were angry. The situation was less controversial than that. They can only hope that Kurt misses them enough to forgive them.
"This reunion is over. Let's just hope our elf comes back because we need him."
Santana walks away with Brittany after those words. The other girls get out too. They're going to be sad for the rest of the day and will hardly manage to get rid of the feeling.