AN: I'm sorry you had to wait so long for an update, but this chapter was somewhat hard to write – though not sure why. I'm trying to move somehow forward without rushing or stalling too much. Bit of a warning, I'm certain Ranger is slightly OOC in this chapter – and Steph is all Dr. Phil and philosophical! Also, kudos to MarshaMac1215 for her review that made me realize I forgot Ranger explaining himself.
As I said before, Reviews, or rather what is said with them, can actually influence this story heavily.
Ranger surprised me to say the least.
I had given him my number almost a week ago and yet he had only called once. At first I was worried and angry, assuming he would fall back into the same pattern as before. But then I realized that he was not doing this with the intention of avoidance but because he wanted to give me my space. He had been carefully asking whether it was ok with me if he stayed a few days longer now that he had found me.
He texted me though. Quite a bit actually. The funny thing was that I knew as a matter of fact that Ranger hated texting. He was a guy that wanted to get things down now and that was usually achieved by phone calls and not texting for an hour.
We had only met once during the week, which surprised me as well. But I refer back to the giving me space thing. It was a nice feeling to be honest, not to feel any sort of pressure to figure things out right now. I knew sooner or later I needed to really sit down and start making decisions, but for the moment it was nice not having to worry about much. It was also a nice feeling to have a familiar face around and knowing that if I needed something all I had to do was call.
About ten days in he called me a second time.
"Hey, what's up?"
"I'll have to return to Trenton. A problem came up that I need to look into. Before I leave I was wondering whether you'd like to have dinner with me?"
"When are you leaving?" I asked, feeling sad that he actually had to go. And wasn't that ironic? First I didn't want to be found and tracked down and now I didn't want him to leave. Maybe I was more screwed up then I had assumed until now.
"My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 7, so I'll probably be gone by five to make it to the airport and my flight on time."
"I'll work until six thirty tonight. But after that I'm free for dinner if you like and if that isn't too late."
He said he'd be leaving by five, which meant he'd be up by three, going for a run and getting ready afterwards. If that would have been me I'd skip dinner and go straight to bed but he surprised me again when he said he'd pick me up from the café after my shift.
For dinner we went to a place by the sea and I was surprised to find Ranger for once not eating his healthy-almost-no-fat food. Instead he ordered a burger and noticed my expression.
"Occasionally I indulge," he said, smiling at me.
"You know if you'd indulge more often than occasionally you might be less grumpy…" I joked at which he laughed.
"Grumpy?" he asked amused and I just shrugged.
"Well, less grouchy or…irritated."
"Trust me that has nothing to do with food or sugar-levels. It is more due to the fact that I constantly worry or worried when I knew you were out and about. I anticipated that one day I didn't get a call from you to come pick you up, but that I'd get a call from someone to ask me to come, identifying your body," he admitted softly.
"I…" I started, but was interrupted by Ranger.
"I know you and Morelli weren't always eye to eye when it came to your job. And I'm not saying I agree with his …wishes that you should stop working that job or stop working altogether, but it is hard to ignore that when you do your thing I'd have a lot better days if I knew you had at least a …sidekick."
"I do, I have Lula," I argued, wondering how quickly that escalated into serious topics.
"Babe," he said, giving me one of these looks. "I mean a sidekick who's… a bit more qualified. A much as Lula is determined and motivated, she isn't even able to use a gun. Don't let me start with her abandoning you occasionally at the worst times possible."
He had a point, I admit that.
"I don't want to tell you what to do with your life or how to do that job, but…I admit it isn't easy doing my job when my mind is with you and whether that phone call is about to come…"
"So you think about me…" I more or less mumbled.
"I always think about you, Babe," he responded. "As a matter of fact it is kind of hard not to think about you with all the mayhem and chaos following you around when you are chasing one of your FTAs," he added grinning.
Oh yeah, that chaos and mayhem was something I really could do without.
"When you are always thinking about me then why did you let things almost end the way they did?" I asked after a deep breath. It was the question that had always been on my mind and where I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to have an answer to. But then again, I wanted the answer, I just wasn't sure I'd like the reason. I hadn't planned on going into this now, but when we were already scratching more serious topics, we might just get this out of the way now.
He didn't say anything for a while. I was almost afraid he wouldn't say anything at all. But then he did.
"Because I was stupid."
That was all he said and I was slightly confused for a moment. I honestly had expected a bit more but then again, this was Ranger, the man of few words.
There was another long silence. He didn't say anything more and I refused to dive into this by fishing for more. So we sat there, me looking at him expectantly and him studying me. Eventually he gave in.
"I am not sure I'm the best option for you."
Well, that surely made things clear as mud now.
"Look I know there are probably a few bad guys out there trying to harm you and people closest to you. But as I said before, that shouldn't matter. I have a few of these in my life as well – though maybe not as dangerous, but still nuts enough. At this point I've been kidnapped, stalked, shot at, arrested, hit, held at gun and knifepoint and a few other things. It can't get much worse to be honest."
"It's just not the guys trying to harm you. I live a life that could …be over anytime. I get sent on missions I can't talk about and that no one else wants to do for a reason. I don't want you to settle for me and at some stage wake up, alone, realizing you threw your life away by taking a chance on me."
That much honesty shocked me, maybe mainly because I wasn't used to it – especially not from Ranger. And what I heard made me sad for many reasons. Ranger was a confident man, and radiated confidence with every fiber of his body. So hearing him think he thought he wasn't enough or not good enough broke a part of my heart.
"I… I don't settle, Carlos. And you are not an 'option'. You're a choice," I said serious and saw him almost smile. Ok, maybe I was sounding rather Dr. Phil in a way. "Your life might not be the average, normal life, but as you might have noticed by now, my life isn't either. As a matter of fact I don't seem to be able to do normal. If it isn't or rather wasn't Morelli, who posed a challenge, it's the FTAs I go after, my family or the job. I might not know what I'm going to do once I'm back in Trenton, but I know I'd like to have you in my life and it certainly isn't because I settle for you or you being an option."
"Babe…"
"I…" I started, interrupting whatever he was about to say. "I used to think I want easy. The easy life, no complications and everything picture perfect. Maybe that is my Burg upbringing – who knows. But over the last few weeks I realized that nothing is ever easy and the harder you have to fight for something, the better it actually is. I know I'm all philosophical now but… maybe I just grew up and realized a thing or two. You and I might not be ideal on paper and probably have the odds against us, but you know what? I don't care. If I don't try it, I won't know whether it will work."
There was another pause with silence for a moment. I was almost certain Ranger needed a moment to grasp the idea that I was now Dr. Phil and your next best self-help book all rolled into one. What a few weeks of solitude could do to you!
"Who are you?" I heard Ranger ask playfully after another minute passed by.
"I'm the grown-up version of Stephanie Plum," I answered laughing, taking a sip from my wine glass. "Well, not too grown up," I added with a smile.
"So no fairytale perfect for you?" I heard Ranger asking and was about to argue instantly, but thought about it for a moment.
"When you think about it, they didn't have it easy either. Snow White was poisoned by her stepmother, Cinderella was more or less a slave – or cheap labor at least – for years and Sleeping Beauty was cursed and slept for years. Rapunzel was looked away in some tower, Mulan had to pretend to be someone she isn't. Sure, they had a happy end, but still had to fight for it and to get there. And wasn't that my point a few moments ago?" I asked smiling again.
Ranger looked at me once again curious, and I couldn't blame him. A part of me was surprised about the new me as well…
"I … I can't promise you forever. I wish I could, but I can't," he finally said and I knew what he meant.
"I don't want forever. Well… maybe I do," I said, smiling. "But for now…. I take the now and we see whether we can't somehow work our way towards forever."
After that our conversation went back to lighter topics and it became a more playful affaire once more. Which was good. I didn't want our last evening together to end with a serious and severe note. At this point I didn't know when I'd be seeing him again.